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Old 06-11-2003, 16:21:12   #9
Resource Consumer
Guardian of All Things Holy
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Al Khobar, Magic Kingdom
Some time has elapsed since Firaxians I. The game has been released and Mrs Brian has run off with Terry Former the gardener and opened a landscaping business.

Scene Brian’s office.

Present : Sid, Brian, Jeff

SM : So, Jeff and Brian, a job well done.

BR : Yep. BIGMAC is now a best seller.

JKM : (sitting). And I’ve had everything removed from well..., you know, I’ve got rid of all the bugs in the office - life is good.

BR : So, time for the next project. What’s it to be?

SM : Well, I’ve hired this guy to do the MAC application.

BR : You mean McApplication? Deidre can do the accent perfectly now you know.

SM : No the MAC application for BIGMAC


SM : Whatever.

Enter Brad Oliver

SM : Let me introduce you to the boys – Brian, Jeff.

BO : Hi guys. Sid, look, I’m gonna have to change my name because, when they write me into the soap people, will think I smell.

SM : No problem. Tim Bug’s always changing his name. What do you want to change it to?

BO : I was thinking of Brad Alien-Crossfire

BR : No good. That’s what Tim has changed his name to

SM : I thought he changed it to Tim Even-More-Bugs.

JFM : Same thing.

BO : Well how about Brad Mac

SM : Sounds like a burger.

BR : Sounds like a computer game.

JFM : Sounds like a bug.

Enter Tim Even-More-Bugs

TT : Hi guys. Brian, I like your new secretary. She’s pretty tasty.

BR : Yeah. Scandinavian.

SM : Bet Deidre’s jealous. Does she have anything to do?

BR : Deidre’s job now is mainly watering the office plants.

SM : And your new secretary? Does she go as well as Deidre?

BR : Haven’t found out yet? Scandinavian cool and playing hard to get. She’s pretty hot at work, though, 100 words per minute.

TT : That’s fast

BR : I’ve got her typing up all the things we didn’t put in the manual

SM : My God. That’s a herculean task. Why?

BR : Well, I thought we could release the manual separately and call it a hints guide or something.

JKM : That’s neat. Do you think those assholes will fall for it?

BR : Assholes? Oh, sorry, customers. Yeah, sure they will. Actually, I’ve got an even better idea.

TT : Yeah?

BR : A follow up to BIGMAC. New techs, new factions – a real money spinner

SM : Sounds good Brian. I can tell you’re getting back into form.

BR : Well, actually, it was the new secretary that gave me the idea. She keeps turning me down and I needed something to show her what a genius I am. So I thought why not extend the game – my crowning glory.

TT : But what else can we do with the factions?

SM : (thinks) Oh dear, I think I know.

BR : Again. I thought what about a really automated efficient group of people, who play it dead cool. I’m thinking maybe that they should get –1 growth as they aren’t interested in sex.

TT : Like Cyborgs?

BR : No. Scandinavian Secretaries.

Sid slowly bangs head on table.

BR : And we’ll have 2 lots of aliens.

JKM : Great, so there will be plenty of bugs in it, then.

Episode II
Scene Brian’s Office.

Present Sid and Brian. Brit Babe is watering the plants.

SM : Brian, I’m still not too convinced about this. It’s very unconventional.

BR : Sid, we’ve got to be leaders, innovators. Was Civ innovative?

SM : Yes

BR : Civ2?

SM : Absolutely

BR : um SMAC

SM : it was a bit different

BR : So why don’t we make Alien Crossroads even more innovative?

SM : But nobody’s ever done anything like this before

BR : Exactly. We’ll get the Nobel peace prize

SM : Well you’ll have to tell Jeff

Enter Jeff

JKM : You wanted to see me?

BR : Yes Jeff. No need to stand.

JKM : I know but I’ve got into the habit.

BR : Yes it’s about these bugs

JKM : I got them all – every damned one of them!

BR : I know..

JKM : I kicked their butts right out!

BR : We want them back in

JKM : What?

BR : Put them back in and introduce a few new ones while you’re at it

JKM : Why?

BR : Do you not think the world is a cold hard place, Jeff?

JKM : Yes

BR : Would you not like to introduce some warmth and colour into otherwise drab existences?

JKM : Er….yes, I suppose

BR : And do you not see that bugs are the way to do that

JKM : No. How?

SM : What Brian is trying to say Jeff is that if we introduce a perfectly balanced game, good AI, no bugs then people are just going to buy the game take it home and play it. They will not be getting value for money.

JKM : How?

BR : Because if we screw up the AI and infest it with bugs then all those poor assh… customers will go to alpha.owo or that COAL place to whine about it. They can make friends with their fellow whingers. They can compare .SAV files, they can play spot the bug. Hell, some of them might even try multiplayer. Think how much richer their lives could be and all it needs is just a few bugs. You can do that for them.

JKM : I’m so sorry, I never knew.

SM : What?

JKM : About all the misery that I caused by taking out bugs from games. How people must hate me out there? Don’t worry Brian, Sid, I’m reformed. I’ll go and get the bugs in this instant.

Exit Jeff



BR : Sid, why are you scratching?

SM : I was going to ask the same thing Brian.


Episode 3
Scene Brian’s Office

Present Brian, Sid

BR : and the man says to the attendant, right….

Enter Brit Babe

BR : of course as we know 5000 lbs of pressure can suck out almost anything..

BB : Brian. No

BR : I was just telling Sid my funny story…

BB : …about the man and the underwater toilet. No, I don’t think so Brian. I think there should be some changes around here

BR : Like what?

BB : You get rid of that blonde bit with a voice like a vacuum cleaner.

SM : And replace her with who?

BB : Me. I can do all sorts of accents now. I don’t mind smoking 80 ciggies a day and impersonating a household object. All I do is water the damned plants round here anyway.

BR : But you do it very well Deidre.

BB : Doh

Exit Brit Babe

BR : She’s getting more pushy, haven’t you noticed. She wants to design a game of her own now.

SM : Is it wise to let her?

BR : I’m not sure, but if I don’t then the cold blonde one’s the only game in town. Deidre had this idea for one called “Trees”.

SM : “Trees”? What happens

BR : Well, you take some seeds and plant some trees.

SM : and?

BR : She hasn’t got any further yet, though. I kinda like the concept but I agree it needs more work.

SM : Brian, do you think maybe we are carrying too much deadwood on the staff?

BR : How do you mean, Sid?

SM : Well, the headcount may be too large. Especially now we’ve added the Social Work Department to get the bugs back in the game.

BR : Well Jeff does seem to be a bit distracted lately.

SM : You can say that again. Have you got rid of all yours yet?

BR : Yes. I had Jeff fumigate the whole place. I suspect, though, he may have done Deidre’s bonsai tree in again so he’s keeping a low profile.

SM : Very wise. Are you sure we should keep him on the staff?

BR : Well…

Enter Jeff, removing his cycle clips.

SM : So you’ve taken up cycling again?

JFM : Hi. Sorry I’m late – had a puncture

BR : Bad luck Jeff. We’ve got a repair kit somewhere in the office. Talk to the Scandinavian bird but, for your own good, keep out of Deidre’s way.

Exit Jeff

SM : Well, now that we’re going to issue a game with lots of bugs. We need a fall back position so we can slowly take them out later to keep the whiner…er…customers happy.

Enter Jeff with bicycle wheel, repair kit and bowl of water. Jeff locates puncture

BR : Well, I envisage a program of a dozen or so updates to the software.

SM : You mean a series of patches.

JKM : I’m just doing it. Patching this tyre I mean. There – good as new.

BR : Jeff, that’s brilliant.

SM & JKM : What?

BR : That tyre, where you’ve patched it, it’s better than the rest of the tyre. It looks better than new in fact. Yes, you have enhanced it. Yes, it is an Enhancement.

SM : What are you on about Brian?

BR : We won’t patch the game. We’ll leave it as it is and let the assh… customers have a field day.

SM : No?

BR : No, I’ve got a better idea.

SM : What?

BR : Well anyone who hates the bugs so much is obviously a pathetic loser and doesn’t understand the first thing about the novel therapeutic concepts we are putting into this game. Right?

SM : Yes

BR : So, we need to do something that will make them happy. Jeff just gave me the idea.

SM: What the Enhancement?

BR : Yes. If they complain, we’ll send them a bicycle and tell them to go out, get some exercise and get a life.
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