Thread: Chilli tastin'
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Old 02-02-2005, 11:59:01   #1
Drekkus
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Chilli tastin'

Somehow this made me think of one of those things that seem to happen Lurker every now and then.


> Please take the time to read this slowly. If you pay
> attention to the first
> two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For
> those of you who
> have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They actually
> have a Chili
> Cook Off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up
> a major portion
>
> of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this
> behind closed doors because, if your like me, you will be
> howling out loud.
>
> INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
>
> Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Taster named FRANK,
> who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently,
> I was honored to be selected a judge at a Chili Cook
> Off. The original person called in sick at the last
> moment and I happened to be standing there at the
> judges table asking directions to the beer wagon, when
> the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
> (NATIVE TEXANS) that the chili wouldn't be all that
> spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer
> during the tasting. So I accepted."
>
> Here are the score cards from the event:
> __________________________________________________ __________________
> CHILI #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
>
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
> to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
> Texans are crazy.
> __________________________________________________ ________________
> CHILI #2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
>
> JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
>
> FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children, I'm not sure what
> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
> who wanted to give me the Heimlich Maneuver. They had to rush in
> more beer when they saw the look on my face.
> __________________________________________________ ________________
> CHILI #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
>
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick, needs more beans.
>
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now,
> get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back,
> now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
> shit-faced from all the beer.
> __________________________________________________ _________________
> CHILI #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
>
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Hint of limes in the black beans. Good side dish for
> fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I was
> unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally,
> the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300lb.
> Bitch is starting to look HOT, just like the nuclear waste I'm
> eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
> __________________________________________________ __________________
> CHILI #5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
>
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef,could use more tomato. Must
> admit, Cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
> I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and about four people
> behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
> I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved
> my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
> pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses
> me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
> those rednecks!!!
> __________________________________________________ __________________
> CHILI #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
>
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
> of spice and peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and
> garlic. Superb.
>
> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it
> will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
> me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
> Can't feel my lips anymore and I need to wipe my ass with a
> snow cone.
> __________________________________________________ _________________
> CHILI #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
>
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> peppers.
>
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
> can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note
> that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of
> distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
>
> FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
> I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
> the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
> covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
> pants are full of lava like shit to match my damn shirt. At
> least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
> getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
> __________________________________________________ _________________
> CHILI #8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED HOT LOVERS CHILI
>
> JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
> for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
>
> JUDGE TWO: This final entry is good, balanced chili. Neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
> passed out, fell over and pulled the pot down on top of himself.
> Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have
> reacted to a really hot chili?
>
>
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