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Old 06-11-2003, 16:18:51   #8
Resource Consumer
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Al Khobar, Magic Kingdom
Episode 12
Scene - Brianís bedroom

Present Ė Brian and Brit Babe, in bed

BR : Do you know what the best cigarette in the world is Deidre?

BB : No.

BR : The one afterwards.

Takes 2 cigarettes out of the pack puts both in his mouth and lights them.

Offers one to Brit Babe

BB : No thanks I donít

BR : Why the f**k did you let me light two then

BB : I just thought you liked smoking two at once. Is this really necessary for the part of Deidre, Brian?

BR : Absolutely. I told you. The Vegetarians are close to planet Ė they have to be. I am playing the voice of planet and this helps you get into the role and me get intoÖ um my role.

BB : Is that why you made those funny moaning sounds? To sound like planet?

BR : Of course. OK. Letís try it again

BB : Are you sure. So soon?

BR : The lines, Deidre, the lines..

BB : Oh right.. Ö. In the commons at Fruit and Veg Stall we have a tall and particularly beautiful giant carrot, planted at the timeÖ.. Brian, surely carrots grow in the ground not above it?

BR : Do they? Canít say Iíve ever noticed. Every one Iíve ever seen has been above the ground. Look, the bozos who buy this game donít really care about details like that. All they want are a few shoop-shoop noises, a few tasty pics of you and a p.. enhancement every month or so to freshen the game up. Thatís all they want. Remember, this gameís gonna make you a star.

BB : You really mean it Brian?

BR : Absolutely. BIGMAC is going to be so huge. Youíll get offers of all sorts of work like opening supermarkets, parking lots. Posing naked, tastefully of course, on Tow Trucks. Then thereís the acting Ė thereís always a demand for Scottish accents over here. Your name will be up in lights, Deidre..

BB : You really thinkÖ.

BR : Iíve just thought. In the next Star Trek sequel, you could play a new, young, nubile Scottish Engineer. The other Scottish guy there could be your uncle.


Meanwhile at the local pub

Present Ė Carmen behind the bar, Drunk Harry, Jeff Morris and Tim Bug

JKM : Cheers Tim. Hereís to the new name.

TB : Thanks Jeff. Sid said he would be along later.

JKM : Yeah. Brianís working late with Brit Babe helping her with her lines.

TB : How are things going your end?

JKM : Tim. Knock it off will you. Iím tired of being the butt of all the jokes around here.

TB : I meant. With the game?

JKM : Oh. Actually, Iím a bit worried.

TB : Why?

JKM : Those two.

TB : Carmen and Drunk Harry?

JKM : Yeah. I think they screw up the play balance. They have too many natural affinities. I bet theyíll ally together in almost every game. Drunk Harryís anyoneís friend whoíll buy him a drink.

TB : Iíve heard Carmen scr..

JKM : Donít even think about it Tim, I know.

TB : And Brian?

JKM : Sid says he just screws up the game

Enter Sid

TB : Your round

Sid gets the drinks in.

SM : Hi Carmen, how are things?

Carmen : OK Sid. Fine. Iím making really good progress with my lines

SM : Letís hear them, then.

Carmen : Superior wines and superior spirits have, when taken together, a geometric effect on overall strength and balance. Well-tanked troops fall down many more times than linear consumption would seem to indicate.

Drunk Harry : Aaagh

Passes out

Carmen : See. I think Brian is a genius.

SM : Well, Iím not sure if heís quite the man he was. I think heís losing his judgement.

JKM : Why do you say that Sid?

SM : Well. Look at that new unit. The Tambourine Buster.

TB : Itís damned effective, though.

JKM : Yeah. You drop it on a city and itís full of people chanting and dancing. Drops minerals and nutrient production to zero and the city disbands itself. Brilliant.

SM : Yeah. But why not just nuke the city. It was good enough for Civ2. My classic game, by the way.

TB : What a lame idea. Why donít we sell the idea of nukes to the CtP gang? Theyíre bound to include it and then people will say the game really sucks. Machiavellian, hey.

SM : Alright, what about all these daft ways to win? Like Intransigence.

TB : A great idea. Everybody meets and if no-one agrees with anyone else then everybody wins. Great. Really ups the diplomacy and keeps the game short.

SM : Or the Network Nose.

JKF : Brilliant. It allows your city to smell an oncoming Compost Heap and gives early warning.

TB : Isnít that the Skunkworks?

SM : Sometimes I think you guys have been around Brian too long.

Back at BRís house
Scene - Brianís bedroom

Present Ė Brian and Brit Babe in bed

Door opens

Enter Mrs Brian

Mrs Brian : Whatís this? Who is this? Brian, explain.

Both jump out of bed and quickly pull on clothes. Unfortunately for Brian the closest item is Brit Babeís Woodnymph outfit.

BR : I can explain

Mrs Brian : OK. Iím listening.

BR : Well, umÖ., itís for a computer game. Deidre here is playing the leader of the Vegetarians on Alpha Centauri and I am the voice of the planet. Anyway, they work together to bring about a harmonious ecology..

Mrs Brian : ďharmonious ecologyĒ. Thatís what you call it. Looks more like you were playing Doctors and Nurses. Get out, Brian. Go off with Deadbrain here

BB : Deidre

Mrs Brian : Once a man changes the relationship between himself and his environment, he cannot return to the blissful ignorance that he left. Motion, of necessity, involves a change in perspective.

BR : Hey thatís good. Iíll write thatÖ.

Mrs Brian : out


Outside in the street

BB : Sorry Brian. You canít stay at my place.

BR : (sighs) Well, Iíll stay at the office then.


In the office. Late

Enter JKM, somewhat drunk

Sees Brian in Deidreís Woodnymph outfit.

JKM : aaaaaagh. A bug, a bug. Itís a giant bug.

Exit JKM screaming.

Don't forget to tune in for another episode of FIRAXIANS - the everyday life of a computer games company.
Episode 13

Scene Firaxis HQ, Early morning.
Sid arrives, opens door. Enters office.

Present Brian. Still wearing Deidreís Woodnymph costume.

SM : Brian. What happened to you?

BR : Mrs Brian caught me and Brit Babe at it. She threw me out. I slept here.

SM : Does Brit Babe often make you dress like that?

BR : No. It was an accident. Sheís running around dressed as a games designer at the moment

SM : (thinks) Wonder what Brian looks like in leather?

SM : Whatís that on your hand Brian?

BR : A goldfish bowl

SM : Why?

BR : I was hungry

SM : Sorry?

BR : I was going to have a goldfish sandwich. I put my hand in to get it, but I canít get it out.

SM : I can see the fish is still there.

BR : Little bastard keeps nibbling my fingers.

SM : Nasty

BR : But Sid. Sitting here last night alone has given me a great new idea

SM : Yes Brian?

BR : Drones and ways to stop them rioting.

SM : How?

BR : Put one of these on each of their hands. They canít do anything. No drone riots - canít even visit the bathroom

SM : Great Brian. Got a name for this improvement

BR : Yep. Punishment Sphere Ė believe me I know Ė itís even worse with the goldfish.

Enter Brit Babe

BB : Brian Iíve brought your clothes

BR : Thanks Deidre

Brian rather self consciously tries to put on his clothes but the goldfish bowl provides something of an obstruction.

BB : Iíve been to see Mrs Brian to sort things out with her.

BR : and?

BB : No dice. She said that her private residence was off-limits to me and that I had violated faction privileges and

BR : That sounds cool Ė wish I could write it down. Damned fishbowl.

BB : Brian

BR : Yes Deidre

BB : sheís leaving you

BR : Yippee

BB : umÖ. With Mr Former the gardener

BR : What that jerk Terry. The no good son of a bitch

SM : Brian Iíve got an idea - adjusting terrain. We could have these units that do it like in Civ2 and Iíve thought of a really cool name based on your gardenerÖ

BR : Right on Sid. No Good Sons of Bitches. Do you think thatíll work?

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