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Drekkus 02-02-2005 11:59:01

Chilli tastin'
Somehow this made me think of one of those things that seem to happen Lurker every now and then.

> Please take the time to read this slowly. If you pay
> attention to the first
> two judges, the reaction of the third is even better. For
> those of you who
> have lived in Texas, you know how true this is! They actually
> have a Chili
> Cook Off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up
> a major portion
> of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this
> behind closed doors because, if your like me, you will be
> howling out loud.
> Notes from an Inexperienced Chili Taster named FRANK,
> who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently,
> I was honored to be selected a judge at a Chili Cook
> Off. The original person called in sick at the last
> moment and I happened to be standing there at the
> judges table asking directions to the beer wagon, when
> the call came. I was assured by the other two judges
> (NATIVE TEXANS) that the chili wouldn't be all that
> spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer
> during the tasting. So I accepted."
> Here are the score cards from the event:
> __________________________________________________ __________________
> JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
> to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
> Texans are crazy.
> __________________________________________________ ________________
> JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
> JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
> seriously.
> FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children, I'm not sure what
> I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
> who wanted to give me the Heimlich Maneuver. They had to rush in
> more beer when they saw the look on my face.
> __________________________________________________ ________________
> JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick, needs more beans.
> JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
> FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
> like I've been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now,
> get me more beer before I ignite. The Barmaid pounded me on the back,
> now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
> shit-faced from all the beer.
> __________________________________________________ _________________
> JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> JUDGE TWO: Hint of limes in the black beans. Good side dish for
> fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
> FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I was
> unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally,
> the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300lb.
> Bitch is starting to look HOT, just like the nuclear waste I'm
> eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
> __________________________________________________ __________________
> JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
> adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
> JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef,could use more tomato. Must
> admit, Cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
> I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and about four people
> behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when
> I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved
> my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a
> pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses
> me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw
> those rednecks!!!
> __________________________________________________ __________________
> JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
> of spice and peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and
> garlic. Superb.
> FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it
> will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind
> me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought.
> Can't feel my lips anymore and I need to wipe my ass with a
> snow cone.
> __________________________________________________ _________________
> JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
> peppers.
> JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
> can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note
> that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of
> distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
> FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
> I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
> the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
> covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
> pants are full of lava like shit to match my damn shirt. At
> least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
> getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
> through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
> __________________________________________________ _________________
> JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe
> for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
> JUDGE TWO: This final entry is good, balanced chili. Neither mild
> nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3
> passed out, fell over and pulled the pot down on top of himself.
> Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have
> reacted to a really hot chili?

miester gandertak 02-02-2005 12:03:35

poeh poeh lot of text, you know there are people who work.
not me but there are some

Gary 02-02-2005 13:42:24

Have always liked this one. Coincidently 'twas chilli for lunch today ! Not a bad one actually. Could have had more bite though, but that's canteen chilli for you.

Lurker 02-02-2005 16:34:20


But no true Texan would put beans in his chili.

zmama 02-02-2005 16:53:51

Still a sight better than what the peopple in Cinncinnatti do....*shudder*

Funkodrom 02-02-2005 16:55:55

What's wrong with beans in chilli?

To me they are what make it chilli rather than just some meat in really spicy tomato sauce.

zmama 02-02-2005 17:03:18

Real chili, texas style is made with small cubes of meat...and the beans are cooked and served on the side.

Funkodrom 02-02-2005 17:06:55

I knew the cubes of meat thing.

Odd. Aren't the beans a bit boring on their own?

Do texans think chilli is a texan dish rather than a mexican origin dish?

zmama 02-02-2005 17:07:05

This is what they make in Cincinnati

zmama 02-02-2005 17:08:01

It is tex mex...Its not really a mexican dish

Lurker 02-02-2005 17:11:40

I like beans in chili, regardless of what Texas thinks. In fact, I think I will make some for the game on Sunday.

zmama 02-02-2005 17:13:38

You and half the population of the US ;)

And I like beans too

Funkodrom 02-02-2005 17:14:57


Originally posted by zmama
This is what they make in Cincinnati

Aside from the pudding spices and serving it on spaghetti that looks really good.

Never done chocolate in beef but apparently it's a fantastic combination.

Funkodrom 02-02-2005 17:16:01

In general I would have thought that if you aren't doing whatever it is like they do it in Texas that's a good thing.

zmama 02-02-2005 17:17:01

Yeah the chocolate is a deep rich putting coffee in with meat does too

Funkodrom 02-02-2005 17:18:58

Oh and fresh green chillis kick the arse of powder.

zmama 02-02-2005 17:23:13

Maybe...but I don't think you can get the variety of powdered chilis like we can. A different thing than chili powder.
Powdered chile=one variety of chili dried and sometimes smoked

Chili powder=cumin, salt, garlic, onion, oregano, and chile peppers

Funkodrom 02-02-2005 17:29:50

Oh yeah, I forgot your chili powder was a mix of stuff.

Here chilli powder is just ground dried chilli peppers and you can get different heats/strengths etc based on what chilli they dry/grind. Probably not as many as you. None of them are as good as fresh at least IMO. Although you can use it to cheaply add a bit of extra kick to your fresh ones. :)

The dried ones you sent me are pretty good as well though.

Drekkus 02-02-2005 17:42:40


Originally posted by zmama
Chili powder=cumin, salt, garlic, onion, oregano, and chile peppers
cumin??? :hmm:

zmama 02-02-2005 17:44:35

Komijn :p

Japher 02-02-2005 17:45:01



I want chili

zmama 02-02-2005 17:46:38

And pronounced either Koo-min or Q-min

Not the dirty stuff you were thinking!!!

miester gandertak 02-02-2005 18:16:24

met een vleugje konijn

zmama 02-02-2005 19:07:20

konijin chili

could be good!

Japher 03-02-2005 06:30:48

I still want chili...

what time is it?

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