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-   -   u r all gay twats (http://www.counterglow.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26027)

alsieboo 01-02-2005 06:17:52

u r all gay twats
 
Now I've got your attention, please read and comment. be as cutting and truthful as you have to be.

“So, here I am” Celia said to herself as she stepped off the train. “I did it. I can’t believe I did it! I actually told my mother a convincing lie and I’m now about to spend the weekend with the most gorgeous man I know…well, ish. Just because I haven’t met him in the flesh, doesn’t mean we don’t know each other.” She looked around the platform, trying to see amidst the mass of people if her mystery man was there. She stretched and strained, pacing the platform, eventually deciding to try inside the station, asking herself again, why she was doing this? The reason being, of course, that he is sweet, caring, considerate, funny, a good conversationalist, not to mention a body builder with a cheeky grin and a glint in his eye, if his pictures are anything to go by.

Scanning the inside of a busy train station for someone who even vaguely resembles a bunch of pictures you’ve seen on the internet is no mean feat for a vertically challenged female! After a couple of minutes Celia positioned herself by the main entrance and waited. And waited. And waited some more. After an hour she was doubting everything but him. “Did I get the wrong day? Maybe I’m early. What if I’m late?” she gasped “He might have been here before I arrived, waited for me then left, assuming I’d stood him up!” Celia was working herself up into such a frenzy she hardly felt her phone vibrate in her coat pocket. It was only when it nearly fell out she realised that he was calling her. “Oh my god! It’s him, he’s calling me, what should I do?!” Luckily, that choice wasn’t hers to make and he got diverted to answer phone. Celia looked at her phone and wailed “What happened!! He’ll think I’m ignoring him now!” she sighed, exasperated, and slid her phone back into her pocket and leant against the wall. Closing her eyes, trying to think of a plan for the rest of the weekend a hand brushed the hair from her face and whispered in her ear “You wouldn’t be Celia, by any chance?” Her eyes flew open and she turned to face the owner of the voice. She was confronted by a tall, tanned, muscular man with cropped dark hair, wearing a tight fitting black top accentuating his rippling chest.

She looked him over, her eyebrow raising as she inspected his physique. Extending her hand she said “You must be Craig…charmed, I’m sure.” He raised her hand to his lips and planted the softest kiss, looking up to meet her gaze and giving her a smile that melted her legs. “Sorry I kept you waiting so long,” he purred “let me buy you brunch to make up for it, there’s a wonderful deli just around the corner from here, you’ll love it” picking up her bag and taking her arm, the mystery man led her away.


I've sorta run out of ideas now

HelloKitty 01-02-2005 06:51:56

Have them pass PH on the street and she falls for his near passed out charms!

Darkstar 01-02-2005 07:05:33

Have the FBI and local police come in, and arrest TV4Fun for grooming a minor.

Oerdin 01-02-2005 07:19:44

That would be a nice touch to have TV4Fun arrested in your school writting. :lol:

notyoueither 01-02-2005 07:30:13

I think the internet has turned into the Cinderella ball for a lot of people. Prince, or Princess, Charming has to be just around that next link.

Darkstar 01-02-2005 07:47:14

That is a promise of many of the "match-making" services.

HelloKitty 01-02-2005 07:48:51

And remember, in your story, just as in real life, TV4fun = transvestite for fun!

Lazarus and the Gimp 01-02-2005 08:35:04

“So, here I am” Celia said to herself as she stepped off the train. “I did it. I can’t believe I did it! I actually told my mother a convincing lie and I’m now about to spend the weekend with the most gorgeous man I know…well, ish. Just because I haven’t met him in the flesh, doesn’t mean we don’t know each other.”

Too much back-story in too short a piece of internal dialogue.

Beta1 01-02-2005 08:35:04

too long - summary please!

HelloKitty 01-02-2005 08:36:38

Quote:

Originally posted by Beta1
too long - summary please!
Young girl
Internet date
Van with tinted windows
Meat grinder.

alsieboo 01-02-2005 13:34:17

trust you all to give me feedback after I've handed it in.

Thanks Laz, I need to take some of it out anyway because I'm over the word limit.

King_Ghidra 01-02-2005 14:31:33

Quote:

Originally posted by alsieboo
Now I've got your attention, please read and comment. be as cutting and truthful as you have to be.
you story doesn't have an end - i guess you wrote the rest later

your main character is completely faceless, we don't know what she looks like (other than she is short) , we don't know what she likes (other than muscular men) or dislikes, we don't know what makes her happy or sad, we don't know why she has to lie to her mother (presumably she is young or living with her mother for some reason) we just know she went to meet a strange man for some unknown reason (presumably sex)

basically you wrote a story about yourself and because it was about you you didn't bother to decribe yourself or your motivations - because you already know those, don't you.

alsieboo 01-02-2005 15:40:52

damnit, you weren't supposed to notice.

MDA 01-02-2005 18:47:14

Do people really say "Charmed, I'm sure."?

zmama 01-02-2005 18:50:54

Yeah, the pretentious snobs at Shiny and Rachel's wedding. :rolleyes:

Had to be nice to them though...Shiny's parents boss and wife

Venom 01-02-2005 18:52:55

I bet I called them mother fuckers.

zmama 01-02-2005 18:55:35

They'd been to "Haaahvard" ! I was supposed to be impressed.

HARRHARRHARR

Venom 01-02-2005 18:56:45

oooh. Uppity wankers I hope I called them mother fuckers.

Lurker 01-02-2005 19:05:22

I doubt they let you get close enough to them that they'd hear you.

zmama 01-02-2005 19:32:26

They didn't look too thrilled to be near any of us :lol:

Venom 01-02-2005 19:40:31

Who can blame them?

sleeping_satsuma 01-02-2005 20:31:10

I liked it Allie- considering the pretentious wank/illiterate drivel most 16 year olds write, I think you've actually got a very mature and writerly tone going. Reminded me very much of Mills and Boon- which is a compliment because once you start one of those books, you CANNOT PUT IT DOWN!! And they are actually very skilled at getting a lot of information into a small space.

I think K-G raised a valid point in that you were writing about yourself, but I think thats where most people start, and gradually you learn to divorce your characters from you. I disagree with Laz about too much back story, I thought it was just enough. You do need to illustrate the main character a little more, but basically, top marks girlie! :D

Lazarus and the Gimp 01-02-2005 20:33:40

I've no problem with that amount of back story being present. I just wouldn't put it all in the second sentence.

MDA 01-02-2005 20:41:27

[copycat post]Reminded me very much of Boone's Hill, once I start on a bottle, I CAN'T PUT IT DOWN![/copycat post]

I thought it was good. You don't get much about the girl's character, other than the feeling that she's not of the right age to be spending a weekend with an adult male interest. It definitely added tension/suspense.

Venom 01-02-2005 20:48:02

Isn't it Boone's Farm?

MDA 01-02-2005 20:54:31

you're right. Boone's Farm, Strawberry Hill.

The strawberry stuff was the drink of choice for most of the girls I knew in college.

Venom 01-02-2005 20:55:52

Maybe you should make your own Boone's Hill.

MDA 01-02-2005 20:58:08

Daniel Boone's Strange Brew.

I'm hoping to brew some beer when I have a real house to stink up with the mash.

Venom 01-02-2005 21:05:18

I hope ATF raids the shit out of you.

alsieboo 01-02-2005 21:16:38

I think I get my first draft back tomorrow, so I can get it looking decent

Lurker 01-02-2005 21:16:53

With many accidental discharges of weapons, no doubt.

Darkstar 01-02-2005 21:21:44

Now, that's a cross post! :D

alsieboo 01-02-2005 21:23:54

DS, you going to give me the pearls of your wisdom?

Venom 01-02-2005 21:26:02

Oh dear god. Ask for leprosy. Ask for paralyzation. Ask for anything but that.

alsieboo 01-02-2005 21:29:08

too late

Lurker 01-02-2005 21:49:44

Hit the fucking edit button NOW!

Lurker 01-02-2005 21:54:32

Completely off topic, but I liked this pic:

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/...-nepal.184.jpg

zmama 02-02-2005 00:47:01

:lol:

I LOVE it!

sleeping_satsuma 02-02-2005 00:53:07

Quote:

Originally posted by Lazarus and the Gimp
I've no problem with that amount of back story being present. I just wouldn't put it all in the second sentence.
I thought it was a nice touch actually. I think weird shit like that in my head all the time

anyway I'm the friggin English tutor so you lot can shag off, and leave me alone with Alison, so I can tutor her in the ways of righteousness

*growl*

TV4Fun 02-02-2005 00:53:56

Very well done.

Immortal Wombat 02-02-2005 01:12:34

Quote:

Originally posted by MDA
Do people really say "Charmed, I'm sure."?
Does it count in an ironic context?

notyoueither 02-02-2005 09:37:27

Quote:

Originally posted by sleeping_satsuma
I thought it was a nice touch actually. I think weird shit like that in my head all the time

anyway I'm the friggin English tutor so you lot can shag off, and leave me alone with Alison, so I can tutor her in the ways of righteousness

*growl*

RAWR!?

alsieboo 02-02-2005 11:53:52

This is my partly finished second draft, all I have to do is add in an atmospheric scene in the deli.


Escape

“So, here I am,” Celia said to herself as she stepped off the train, “I did it. I can’t believe I did it! I actually told my mother a convincing lie and I’m now about to spend the weekend with the most gorgeous man I know…well, ish. Just because I haven’t met him in the flesh, doesn’t mean we don’t know each other.” She searched the platform, eager to know if her mystery man was there. She stretched on her tiptoes, pacing the platform, eventually deciding to try inside the station, asking herself again, why was she doing this? The reason came to her immediately, because he was sweet, caring, considerate, funny, a good conversationalist, not to mention a body builder with a cheeky grin and a glint in his eye, if his pictures are anything to go by.

Scanning the inside of a busy train station for someone who even vaguely resembles a bunch of blurred images you’ve seen on the internet is no mean feat for a vertically challenged female! After a couple of minutes Celia positioned herself by the main entrance and waited. And waited. And waited some more. After an hour she was doubting everything but him. “Did I get the wrong day? Maybe I’m early. What if I’m late?” she thought to herself and gasped “He might have come before I arrived, waited for me and then left, assuming I’d stood him up!” Celia was working herself up into such a frenzy she hardly felt her phone vibrate in her coat pocket. Only when it nearly fell out she realised that he was calling her. “Oh my god! It’s him! He’s calling me, what should I do?” Sadly, that choice wasn’t hers to make and he got diverted to answer phone. Celia looked at her phone and wailed, “What happened!! He’ll think I’m ignoring him now!” She sighed, exasperated, slid her phone back into her pocket and leant against the wall. Closing her eyes, she tried to think of a plan for the rest of the weekend. A hand brushed the hair from her face and whispered in her ear “You wouldn’t be Celia, by any chance?” Her eyes flew open and she turned to face the owner of the voice. She was confronted by a tall, tanned, muscular man with cropped dark hair; she noticed immediately that he was wearing a tight fitting black top accentuating his rippling chest.

She looked him over, her eyebrow rising as she inspected his physique. Extending her hand she said “You must be Craig…charmed, I’m sure.” He raised her hand to his lips and planted the softest kiss there, at the same time looking up to meet her gaze, giving her a smile that melted her legs. “Sorry I kept you waiting so long,” he purred, “let me buy you brunch to make up for it. There’s a wonderful deli just around the corner from here, you’ll love it.” Picking up her bag and taking her arm, the mystery man led her away.

A few hours later, a drowsy Celia was stirring. “Where am I?” she slurred, looking around her unfamiliar surroundings. The mystery man appeared behind her, holding a tray of food. “You’re at my flat Celia. You passed out on the way here and I had to carry you in. Are you OK? Here, have some water, it’ll help you feel better.” He placed the tray by her feet and handed her the glass. “Ugh, I feel terrible, I’m so sorry. I hope I didn’t cause any trouble!” she managed to croak between sips. “No, no trouble at all. I just want to make sure you were OK.” He smiled. Soon Celia was drifting back into a deep sleep.

The harsh sound of the doorbell roused her, making her semi-aware of what was going on around. She heard two pairs of footsteps coming towards her, and felt the presence of two bodies looming over her. “How much did you give her?” This was a female voice, unknown to her. Celia was startled, but couldn’t open her eyes to see the owner. “Enough.” That was Craig’s voice. What was going on? “How much is enough Mark? You can’t be too careful with Rohypnol” Rohypnol? Isn’t that the date rape drug? Thought Celia.
“I told you: enough. She’s still out cold, isn’t she? That’s good enough for me.”
“Have you been checking her pulse regularly like I told you to? She’s no use to us dead.”
“Yes Isobel, I’ve done everything you told me to do. Wouldn’t want to let you down now, would I?” Celia caught the mocking tone in his voice, which seemed to go unnoticed by ‘Isobel’
“Good, good. Maybe you aren’t as worthless as I thought you were.” Celia’s body twitched, everything she thought she knew about this man was dissolving into a dark nightmare and the impending sense of doom was growing in her.

MDA 02-02-2005 12:40:17

Quote:

Originally posted by Immortal Wombat
Does it count in an ironic context?
I didn't think of that. Good point.

King_Ghidra 02-02-2005 12:52:22

let the gang bang commence

HelloKitty 02-02-2005 12:56:55

You should pull a Crying game on the rapists.

King_Ghidra 02-02-2005 12:58:37

well we don't know they're rapists, maybe they want to adopt her and make her a princess

Venom 02-02-2005 13:13:35

Did someone say gangbang?

King_Ghidra 02-02-2005 13:19:45

yeah, your momma

Venom 02-02-2005 13:21:27

She would.


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