Counterglow Forums

Counterglow Forums (http://www.counterglow.com/forum/index.php)
-   Games (http://www.counterglow.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=7)
-   -   Jeff Morris leaves Firaxis (http://www.counterglow.com/forum/showthread.php?t=16378)

Scabrous Birdseed 05-11-2003 15:14:04

Jeff Morris leaves Firaxis
 
--to join Epic Games, according to poly.

Aredhran 05-11-2003 22:54:36

Wonder if he's still got his head in that paper bag and the SMAC cd's up his ass...

Does anybody got the Firaxian's story archived somewhere ?

Venom 06-11-2003 13:20:52

I thought I saw Brian Reynolds walking down the street yesterday. I tried to run him over but he jumped behind a parked truck.

Resource Consumer 06-11-2003 14:51:53

At Red's request (I had to dig around somewhat for this) and a tribute to the inspirational Mr Morris

The everyday life of game company folk.
Episode 1 of 4027

Scene - Firaxis HQ
Present - Sid and Brian

SM : Brian, what do you think of my ideas for a civII rip o.. er, I mean follow up.

BR : OK as far as it goes, I think it should have more babes in it, though

SM : How do you mean?

BR : Well. Have you seen our new production assistant?

SM : The Brit girl?

BR : She's Scottish, actually. I celebrated St Patrick’s day with her ;)

SM : So what do you propose?

BR : Well, let's make her leader of the vegetarians.

SM : The what?

BR : You know the one's that live in the trees. You know, she really goes in the open air.

SM : You haven't?

BR : That's for me to know....

Enter JKM walking oddly

SM : Hi JKM. What's up?

BR : Jeff, you're sure walking funnily.

JKM : It's odd. A guy ran up to me in the street and said he was from the future and knew what I was working on.

BR : You mean one of the CtP crew?

JKM : No. Didn't recognise him. Anyway he took out this CD. Didn't see the title but it was called SMEG or something. He stuffed it...

BR : He didn't...

JKM : He did. I doubt if I'll be able to sit down and check for any bugs now.

Doorbell Rings

Sid opens door. Chinese pizza delivery boy enters.

Boy : Pizza...

SM : Just drop it on the table, son.

JKM : Christ this is killing me. I doubt if I'll be able to eat anything

Pizza Boy : What do I care for your suffering...

BR : Hey, son, do you want to be in a computer game?

Tune in later for the next episode of Firaxians...

--------------------------------------
Episode 2.
BR : Morning Sid, I've had some new ideas about the factions

SM : Good we need more - we've only got two.

BR : Yeah but I'm proud of both the Vegetarians and the Pizza Delivery Boys

SM : Brian, I'm not sure about the names.

BR : Nah. Sid. They'll be great.

SM : So what's the idea today.

BR : Well. No new factions yet. I'm not sure that we need them. It's about the Pizza Delivery Boys.

SM : Yeah

BR : Have you noticed that when one pizza place opens, another one inevitably follows and then another and another...

SM : So?

BR : We give them +1 growth to reflect real life. That'll shut up those whingers who are bound to complain that the game doesn't have enough realism.

SM : Great idea Bri. But I'm sure we need more factions.

Enter JKM

SM : How's the bugs, Jeff.

JKM : still can't sit down. I'll QA standing up in the local pub, if you don't mind Brian.

BR : fine by me

Exit JKM

SM : Well I had one idea. Why not a bunch of survivalists - we can give them military advantages.

BR : booooring. Every game has something like that. We need a new angle. Got it - the Flower Sellers.

SM : What?

BR : The Flower Sellers. They get +1 planting flowers.

SM : We've already got the Gaia... I mean Vegetarians.

BR : Oh yeah. Forgot. Have to watch the play balance.

Later.....

Later. Enter JKM ( somewhat drunk) and Carmen the barmaid from the local pub

JKM : I don't know but I've been told,
Carmen the barmaid really goes,
she's gorgeous with a ready wit,
dig that crazy latin b....

Carmen : (kneeing JKM in the groin) Any more of that and I'll do it again

SM : What's up Carmen?

JKM : oooaaahhh

Carmen : He's drunk and tried to grope me. No man does that.

BR : I've got an idea...

SM : No Brian, please

BR : Carmen, what do you look like in leather... oooaaah

exit Carmen

*********************************************
SM : Feeling better now Brian

BR : Yeah. We've now got three factions. Makes me feel really a whole lot better - the Vegetarians, the Pizza Delivery Boys and the Barmaids.

SM : Wonder what Carmen looks like in leather?

Tune in later for the next episode....

-------------------------------------------
Episode 3. Downtown. SM and BR have just finished lunch
SM : It's OK Bri. I'll pay the check. Don't want you getting distracted from your creative musings.

BR : Still keen on the Flower Sellers

SM : We agreed.

BR : OK, OK. Let's go.

Go Outside. A group of Hari Krishnas are chanting, dancing and rattling tambourines.

SM : Got it. We could have a faction that's really peaceful.

BR : (not listening) I wonder how these guys stop from treading on the ants. They must get some occasionally. And the haircuts. Yep, must get a haircut like that.

SM : Are you listening Brian. A peaceful faction...

BR : Sorry. Was just thinking we should have a peaceful faction

SM : Brilliant idea Brian. We could call them the P...

BR : Hari Krishnas. That's it - oh I'm so brilliant today - right on form. Or the tambourines? No Hari Krishnas it is. We give them +1 chanting and dancing which reduced their drone riots. Or maybe an extra talent. That's detail and your department Sid.

BR turns to lead Hari Krishna

BR : Do you want to be in a computer game?

********************************************

SM : Here's the car, Brian

BR : What's this - you've got a ticket Sid.

SM : Damn. We only overstayed by 5 minutes. Look there's that bastard of a car park attendant I'll give him a good slapping.

BR : Cool it Sid, calm down

SM : I mean it's just this rampant money grabbing capitalism. It makes me sick. It really does. Wait, that's it I've got a great idea for a faction. It's so modern life, it's so...

BR : You don't mean...

SM : Yes. We can have a faction that is so utterly capitalist, so grasping and we can call them the...

BR : Brilliant Sid. The Car Park Attendants.

Sid drives the car out. Camera pans back to reveal the sign reading "Morgan Car Parks"

----------------------------------------
Episode 4.
Firaxis HQ. Monday Morning

TT : .......and

BR : That was it. She just led me on the little minx. I mean, I bought her a hamburger, fries the lot.

TT : I thought she was a vegetarian.

BR : Oh. That might explain it. I'll buy her a bonsai tree for lunch then.

Enter SM

SM : Hi Bri. Any luck with the factions?

BR : No luck anywhere. Particularly with that production assistant last night.

SM : Never mind I have. I've got two ideas.

BR : Great Sid. About time you started to pull your weight around here with JKM a bit under the weather after that CD thing. Let's hear them then.

SM : Well. I drove past the university yesterday and I thought what about an academic faction. Lot's of science etc.

BR : Could work I suppose.

SM : Yes. Make them very experimental and science orientated.

BR : No. Got it. We make them all students. I mean imagine they could have immunity from drone riots as many of them are used to living on nothing. Yes, and they can have +1 vacations. Sid, you always inspire me to great ideas. The Students it is. Did you have any more.

SM : Well I thought we could have a religious party.

BR : Sid. We should keep religion out of it - might damage sales.

TT : Yawn.

BR : Sales are our life blood. We need a hate figure. I mean fundamentalism is a good one for people to pick on, but we don't want to end up on the receiving end of a fatwa. No Sid, go away and think about it some more.

SM : OK Brian.

BR : Gotta go - late for a meeting.

********************************************

BR : so I give you 10 percent of all I earn and you do what...

EA Rep : Precisely nothing. That's why it's a great business, this publishing.

SM : (thinks) Jesus. I hate publishers.

BR : I've just had an idea Sid. Why don't we give them 20 per cent and they can do it twice as well or in half the time.

SM : Because Brian, we don't have any money in the bank. We're next to skint and we can't even afford the medical bills to remove the CD from JKM.

JKM : (thinks) Jesus, I hate bank managers.

SM, JKM, BR (in unison) : That's it. Bank Managers

BR : Oh I'm so good at this. Everyone hates bank managers. What a wonderful faction. We can give them -1 imagination.

SM : Brian. It's your best idea yet. We now have 7 factions, we can now think about what to do with them

EA Rep : (thinks) Are we doing right by associating with these bozos. Maybe CtP would have been a better deal.

Resource Consumer 06-11-2003 15:00:21

--------------------------------------------
Episode 5
Outside the Hospital

BR : You gonna be OK now?

JKM : Yeah. I just want to see if they can do anything about it.

BR : I'll wait here. I hate hospitals. Anyway, I've got my notebook and I need to put some more flesh on the bones of the game.

********************************************

JKM : I have an appointment with the rectology department.

Receptionist : Up..

JKM : I damn well know it is

Receptionist : ....stairs

*******************************************

JKM : Good morning Doctor

Doc : Good morning. We are in a mess aren't we...

JKM : Is it permanent.

Doc : Well you can play it many times without getting scratched, but really you should buy yourself a CD player.

JKM : You mean I'm stuck with this thing...

Doc : No. We can operate but there's been a lot of this about and there's a waiting list. That guy Shelley from CtP was in here the other week and someone had inserted a whole boxful.

JKM : My God.....

Doc : Not pretty, have you ever thought that you're in the wrong job.

JKM : I'm very well qualified for this one. I did 2 years apprenticeship at Cleeneezee and then moved to the fumigation department of the Local Authority.

Doc : So what's your job now?

JKM : The same, but in the private sector. I fumigate the offices of a computer games company. I don't see why they need them so clean though. They run around all day chanting bugs, bugs, bugs - makes me itch just to think about it.

********************************************

meanwhile.....

BR : (thinks) think I'll call Sid. See if he has ANY ideas

Reaches for mobile phone but battery is flat.

Jumps up out of car

BR : Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. Yes we give all the faction leaders mobile phones and every so often the battery runs out. And there are no shops on Alpha Centauri so they have to build another battery and it takes a real long time. Yeah, cooking.

BR : Diplomacy. We can make phone numbers a tradable good. Oh yes. I must call Sid...

enter JKM

BR : still there?

JKM : I'll have to lay in the back still. No sitting down.

BR : Jesus, they left it there.

JKM : Yep.

BR : So why are you smiling?

JKM : Apparently Bruce Shelley got a whole boxful....

BR : hahahahahahaha. That's a good idea for a secret project - a Brucebox - completely removes drone riots....

JKM : Step on it Bri, we've got a meeting with Sid and Tim over lunch.

continue....................................

---------------------------------------------
Sid and Tim are already at the Chinese restaurant.
SM : Tim. I'm getting worried about Brian.

TT :Why. Yawn...

SM : I think he's losing the plot. Look it's my name that'll be in the title. You heard him promise didn't you?

TT : Well I thought we should have had Brian's name in the title. Then we could have called it BRAC. Or we could have had mine and called it TTAC...

SM : Hey, that's better phonetically...

TT : But I think Jeff would prefer his there and we could call it JKMAC.

SM : Tim. Sometimes I wonder about you lot. Why do you think Jeff got attacked?

TT : I don't know. He hangs around some funny places with some odd characters. Perhaps he had an argument with one of them?

SM : But why the CD. Odd? And all that business about the future. I think Jeff's losing it as fast as Brian.

TT : I saw him yesterday. Scratching himself and muttering "out you damned bugs, out"

SM : odd

TT : and, you know, what's really odd. I've never seen him turn his computer on. He just walks around with a face mask on with an ant puffer.

SM : Sounds like one of Brian's ideas. Watch out, they've arrived

Enter Jeff and Brian

SM : hello Jeff and Brian
TT : hello Brian and Jeff
BR : hello Tim and Sid
JKM : hello. I'll stand if it's all the same to you.

SM : Right we're here to assess progress

BR : None

SM : What. none?

BR : Nope. She didn't eat the bonsai tree and I haven't got any further with her.

SM : The GAME Brian.

BR : Oh that. Well I have had a couple of snazzy ideas.

TT : Yawn

BR : Yeah. We can improve areas outside of bases and then we call them supermarkets.

SM : What's the point of that?

BR : Well everyone does their shopping out of town nowadays, don't they. So you build a supermarket outside of your base and then you go and park a shopping trolley on it and it conveys resources back to your base. Neat.

SM : A shopping trolley?

BR : I've got a great idea for the graphics too. We could use one of those ones which has room for the kid to sit on and with a big stick going in the air. That'll stop other players Distribution Managers from nicking them...

SM : Distribution Managers?

BR : Yeah. It's a great new unit I've thought up. It goes around the map and collects all the shopping trolleys.

SM : Brian....

BR : But of course you can only get it after you've discovered Currency... as you need a coin to get the shopping trolley in the first place. There's also a potential bug in that the currency could get returned to the Distribution Manager before Currency has been discovered.

JKM : bugs, bugs, bugs. Where?

SM : But Currency was in Civ2?

BR : But this is Civ2 too

TT : Civ22? Have I been asleep for a while.

SM : OK, have it your way Brian. Now what about the title.

BR : Obviously, Brian Reynolds Alpha Centauri.

SM : Not again. We don't want Bric-a-BRAC jokes

BR : Nor do we want to be seen encouraging drug use...

SM : So what's the alternative

TT : I've got it. I've been thinking about the marketing. We need to tell people how mindblowingly brilliant this game is. How about Big Incredible Great Mindblowing Alpha Centauri.

JKM : Bug Infestation Greatly Marrs Alpha Centauri?

BR : I prefer Tim's version. Apart from the lack of Brian Reynolds in the title

SM : I'm sure someone's done that one before. Never mind, have it your way, Brian.

BR : Are we ready to order...

SM : Yes. I'll have the spring rolls.

TT : Yawn

JKM : I'll stand

BR : Sweet and Sour Pork for me. I've just had another idea for air units. Man I'm inspired today. These really fast attack aircraft - pretty deadly and great for beating up the shopping trolleys and distribution managers.

SM : Sounds good. What would we call them?

BR : Noodlejets.

Tune in later for more BIGMAC game info

Resource Consumer 06-11-2003 16:15:45

Episode 7. Thursday Morning
Scene Firaxis HQ.

Present : Sid, Brian, Jeff Morris, Tim Train, Chris Pine and the Brit Babe

SM : Look we've gotta sort this f**king planet stuff out. I mean we've got to decide what it looks like first and worry about the creepy crawlies later

BB : Eeeeek. Hate creepy crawlies

BR : I have got planet all worked out.

SM : Yes?

BR : We make it exactly like Earth?

SM : Earth?

BR : Yep. We make it exactly the same and we can use all the same maps and everything.

JKM (still standing) : how can it be earth. It's supposed to be Alpha bleeding Centauri. I mean people will notice.

BR : Not if we turn the map upside down

CP : So the South Pole is in the North and the North Pole is in the South? Brilliant.

BR : Yep.

CP : And you still can't get over either of them?

BR : Well I never have.

SM : Brian. They'll notice - even the gaming community are not that dumb. That's not going to work. We will be crucified, pilloried and laughed at. We need to have random maps certainly and, for those that want it, a defined ALIEN map.

BR : I don't see what's so great about random maps anyway. I never liked them in Civ2. I always used to play on the same map and load it in.

SM : Didn't you find it monotonous to always know where everything was?

BR : No

SM : Why?

BR : Kept forgetting. That's why I kept loading the map in.

TT : Yawn

SM : Keeping you up are we Tim?

TT : Sorry, late night last night. I was out with Carmen

BR : Hey Deidre. Go and get us some coffee, hey.

Exit Brit Babe

SM : So what does she look like in leather?

BR : Who Deidre? No idea - she won't wear animal skins. Must be allergic or something

SM : No Carmen. Is Deidre really her name?

BR : Who Carmen? Don't think so. I usually call women Deidre, though, it saves remembering all their names.

SM : Do I take it there will be a faction leader called Deidre in this game?

BR : They're all going to be called Deidre. That we can save on memory and disk space.

CP : We're gonna have 7 faction leaders called Deidre?

BR : Yep. And we're gonna use the same photos for all of them.

SM : Brian. Have you thought of taking a holiday?

BR : No. There's too much to do keeping the ideas flowing. Now what about the creepy crawlies?

SM : Well I was thinking that we could have the concept of an alien lifeforce linked to planet that used psi attack.

BR : Sci attack? Like hi-tech stuff? I like that, but it's not the organic thing we were looking for..

SM : no, psionics - mind power

BR : Bet we've got enough in this room to melt any planet. Hehe. No wouldn't work. Look at this for a minute Sid and tell me what you think.

Hands drawing to Sid.

SM : You could be onto something here Brian. Did you just draw this from imagination.

BR : No, from this

Hands photo to Sid

SM : But that's a photo of the compost heap in your garden

BR : Exactly Sid. I think you are at last getting on my wavelength. What does a compost heap do - it rots down matter in a planet friendly form. So, my vision is for all of these alien compost heaps whizzing around the planet. Then when it comes to attack...

SM : they have psionic power.

BR : No the smell overcomes all defenders that haven't upgraded to gasmask armour. That's the new angle we've been looking for - sensual intercourse with the planet.

Enter Brit Babe

BB : Coffee. Brian isn't that what you suggested last night.

BR : No.

SM : Deirdr.... uh, Brit Babe, can you set up some auditions with people who want to be faction leaders, please. Brian. We are NOT having 7 faction leaders looking all the same and being called Brit... uh, Deidre. That is final.

BB : Yes Sid.

Exit Brit Babe

BR : OK Sid, but I'm only counting the pennies. Remember there's Jeff's operation to consider. Well that's a good mornings work. We've sorted out planet. I think we're really making progress here. Lunch, Sid?

CP : Jesus

JKM : I'll sit this one out.

TT : zzzzzz

Tune in Later for FIRAXIANS......
--------------------------------------------
Episode 8
Present Sid, Brian and Brit Babe

SM : Brian. Let's see about who we can get for these faction leaders.

BR : Well, we've already got Deidre here, the lead Hari Krishna, the pizza delivery boy and Carmen the barmaid. So we only need leaders for the Bank Managers, Car Park Attendants and Students

SM : Brian. Are you sure that we really have the right people and, frankly, the right factions.

BR : Of course we have. Look Deidre is perfect as Deidre. It's as if the part was made for her.

SM : It was. I think we should audition her anyway.

BB : Isn't that what happened last night?

BR : Yes. Look Sid she's perfect. She'll even pose naked..

SM : naked?

BB : Uh ha. But tastefully of course. Wouldn't like the folks back home to think I did this sort of thing..

BR : ... a lot

BB : no, just this sort of thing.

SM : Brit Babe. Just read out a bit of this spiel - let's see how you do

Hands paper to Brit Babe

BB : The preval...

SM : In a Scottish accent, remember.

BB : the preval. What's that word.

SM : Prevalence.

BR : This is a bit unfair. I couldn't say that. And certainly not in a Scottish accent.

BB : OK. The prevalence of anorexic environments

SM : that's anoxic, not anorexic.

BB : Your hurting my confidence. Brian, do I look overweight to you.

SM : Just read the damned lines.

BB : The prevalence of anoxic environments rich in organic material combined with the presence of nitrated compounds has led to animated compost heaps roving across the planet. Och Aye.

SM : Brian, Brit Babe. I think that one needs some more work all round.

BB : OK Sid, your place or mine.

Tune in later for more auditions in FIRAXIANS
--------------------------------------------
Episode 9.
Scene - Sid's Office.

A knock on the door

SM : Come

JFM enters, in apparent discomfort.

SM : What is it Jeff. Can't you see I'm busy. I've got the auditions later and I can't trust Brian to do them alone. He'll hire a complete bunch of f**kwits.

JFM : I think you're already too late Sid. Brian has used his executive authority. He's filled all the slots. That's sad because I wanted to play the leader of the Bank Managers.

SM : No. This is a nightmare. Who has he hired?

JKM : You'd better come and see for yourself.

********************************************

scene - Brian's office

BR : Congratulations all of you. I am so pleased to welcome you on board. I know we're gonna make a great game.

Enter Sid

SM : What's going on. I'm told you've hired everybody already.

BR : Yep. The creative juices were really flowing and I've found just the right people. No need for all those expensive auditions. Waste of time. let's just get on with the game. Let me introduce you:

Carmen, you already know. She's a barmaid and she's playing the leader of the Barmaids. The pizza delivery boy who is playing the leader of the Pizza Delivery Boys. You remember the head Hari Krishna - he plays the leader of the Hari Krishnas and, last but not least, Deidre who plays Deidre, leader of the Vegetarians.

SM : But who are the others?

BR : Had to work a bit harder on them. I agree they're not so naturally cast as the others. However, I think you'll see my logic.

SM : I fear I'm finding that incredibly difficult these days Brian.

BR : Look. Let me introduce you. First here's Drunk Harry - he's playing the leader of the Car Park Attendants.

SM : Dare I ask why?

BR : Because Drunk Harry, here, is so useless that he'd fall asleep on the job and never give anyone any tickets. He introduces a human side to the Car Park Attendants.

DH : Hic!

SM : I don't believe this.

BR : I couldn't find a real bank manager to be leader of the Bank Managers, but I thought a good shopkeeper would have a good enough grasp of business practice. My first choice was Mr Banerjee from the newsagents - he was willing but he has all the early starts to mark up the papers so it wasn't really practical. Anyway, he suggested his brother, Ranjit. He ran a couple of shops back in India - good experience. Just what we needed and he's just arrived over here.

Ranjit : Very pleased to be meeting you, Mr Sidney.

SM : This sort of makes sense, I suppose.

BR : There's only one problem, though. Those are the only words he can speak in English. Still, we'll work around that and get Brit Babe to give him some lessons.

SM : So, who's the kid?

BR : Oh, you noticed. Well, unfortunately, the university is on vacation at the moment so I had a bit of difficulty finding someone to play the leader of the students. But, I had a stroke of luck, my neighbour's kid Tommy. He'll be perfect.

SM : But he looks about 7

Tommy : ... and a half

SM : Brian. I am going home to lie down. We need some serious thought about where we are going with this game. I'll call you later

Exit Sid

slams the door

BR : Well that went really well, I thought he might have been annoyed.

Drunk Harry : Hic!

Tommy runs up to Brian and whispers.

BR : out in the corridor, 2nd left.

BR : Ok. Assemble later and I'll give you some of your lines to learn.

FIRAXIANS - the everyday story of a f**ked up games company

Resource Consumer 06-11-2003 16:18:14

Scene Firaxis HQ. Monday Morning.
Sid enters

BR : Morning Sid. Better now.

SM : Morning Brian. Yes. Look it was wrong of me to challenge your genius. Let’s get the show back on the road.

BR : Good, I was seriously worried about you for a while. Why the change of heart?

SM : I had dinner with Bruce Shelley over the weekend. Man is he in trouble.

BR : Why, the CDs playing him up? CtP lagging behind? You think we can steal a march or something?

SM : Maybe, he seemed to stand up an awful lot. But it’s more the content of CtP.

BR : Do tell

SM : Well some of the wacko units he’s added – lawyers, for example. Slavers. Made me realise that we were on the right lines.

BR : Yeah. People would just laugh at us if we did anything really stupid like that.

SM : So, any more progress?

BR : Working on the dialogue mainly. I’ll have a few lines to give to the crew soon.

SM : Brian. I’ve just realised. We haven’t got anyone to do the voice of planet.

BR : No problem, Sid. I’ve already thought of that.

SM : Who?

BR : Me.

SM : You. But, sorry Brian, you don’t sound anything like the way I imagine planet to sound.

BR : Sid. See this plastic cup. I bite on it so it comes up and covers my nose then I pitch my voice up a little higher.

SM : Will that work?

BR : Absolutely. With a little tweaking of the recording levels so it distorts it’ll sound out of this world, all distorted and crackling. And what’s better people will think we f**ked it up. Meanwhile we’ll all be rolling around the floor laughing at their stupidity.

SM : Brian. That’s brilliant.

BR : I’ve also been doing some work tweaking the Pizza Delivery Boys.

SM : How?

BR : I think they should be made slightly sort of communist. I’ve even found a great quote from Marx to use at the beginning.

SM : “The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggle”?

BR : Nope.

SM : “The workers have nothing to lose in this but their chains. They have a world to gain. Workers of the world, unite”?

BR : I’m impressed. That’s not it, though.

SM : So what is it then?

BR : “I wouldn’t join any club that would have me as a member”

SM : Marx said that?

BR : Yeah. But it wasn’t in one of the films, though.

SM : Films?

BR : Multitalented guy. And history proved him right.

SM : How?

BR : Sid. Our local tennis club is not very exclusive, right.

SM : They even let us in.

BR : Right. Now follow the logic. Our club would have Marx as a member, yeah?

SM : Yeah, I suppose.

BR : So when did you last see him sipping orange squash or playing mixed doubles, hey?

SM : Never

BR : Right. Our club would have him as a member but he hasn’t joined. See, history proves him right again. What genius.

Enter JKM

BR : Jeff, do you play tennis?

JKM : Not any more.

SM : What’s up Jeff?

JKM : Ha, ha Sid. Very funny?

SM : I meant any bugs?

JKM : None whatsoever. I went right through this place over the weekend – all sorts of bug sprays, sodium chlorate, formaldahide, weedol and paraquat. There won’t be a living thing left now. I can help with some of the creative things if you like.

SM : Well Jeff, what do you want to do.

JKM : Well, graphics, design, scribbling on bits of paper. I was quite good at that at school.

BR : You should leave the real creative stuff to me, but you can try at drawing out the concept of a noodlejet.

SM : Brian are you still serious about that one.

BR : Yep – I’ve extended the concept a bit, though. The idea is that it flies off to the target and wraps itself around it thus immobilising it and allowing other units to attack.

JKM : Great Brian. I’ll see what I can do. Thanks for trusting me.

Exit JKM

BR : Sid, I’ve also done something towards the tech advances.

SM : Great. Which one.

BR : Well, there is this one called Petty Minded Bureaucracy

SM : Sounds good. Go on?

BR : Well it’s the free tech that the Car Park Attendants get.

SM : What do you do with it?

BR : Well this allows you to introduce parking restrictions on your neighbour. I mean that really enhances the diplomacy and we can add personal contact.

SM : How?

BR : Well if your mobile phone battery is dead, then you have to go and ring your neighbour’s doorbell to ask him to move his units.

SM : Or you can enter into a contract with the Car Park Attendants to get them towed away?

BR : Right on Sid. And of course there’s a new unit – the Tow Truck. Tows away opponents units on your land back to the planetary parking lot.

SM : The planetary parking lot?

BR : Yep. It’s one of those cool map features I’ve been working on. I might even put it underground. If it's in your territory you get +1 parking.

SM : Anything else new.

BR : Well, I’ve done the dialogue for this advance and Drunk Harry’s coming in this morning to try the voiceover.

SM : Why so early?

BR : If we don’t get him early, we don’t get him at all.

Enter Drunk Harry

Brian hands him the paper

BR : OK Harry, go for it.

DH : “Tickets exist to be issued. And issued they will be - if not to one driver than to some future. By what right does this obstruction deny us our birthright. None I say ! let us take what is our right, issue tickets, and tow away.” Chief Parking Attendant Drunk Harry. Hic!

SM : Sheer poetry, Brian.

DH collapses

Enter Brit Babe stepping over Drunk Harry

BB : Who’s poisoned my lovely bonsai tree

SM : My God, it must have been Jeff on his bug hunt.

BB : I’ll kill him, I loved that tree, I’m gonna stick it right up…(charges out of room)

BR : That’s great Deidre. Your really getting into character. I knew that you wouldn’t let me down. Isn't she great Sid?

SM : Wonder what she looks like in leather?

Enter JKM, very slowly

JKM : Do you know what that crazy Brit just did?

SM : I can guess.

Holds up story board with a picture somewhat resembling a plate of spaghetti.

JKM : Look, Sid, Brian. A noodlejet.

SM : Well it’s…interesting

BR : No good, Jeff. Sorry.

JKM : Why?

BR : Looks exactly like another unit.

SM : Yeah, the Compost Heap. The confusion would be terrible.

BR : No hold it. I’ve had another idea. Why don’t we make all the units look like the Compost Heap then your opponent wouldn’t know what you’re up to.

SM : Brian. Time for lunch I think. We’ll discuss this one.

Tune in tomorrow for another episode of FIRAXIANS
------------------------------------------
Scene - Tim Train’s office
Present – Tim Train, Jeff Morris (standing)

TT : Jeff, how are you doing nowadays?

JKM : I thought I got rid of the bugs with all that serial pesticide over the weekend. But, hell no, Sid and Brian are still running around talking about bugs.

TT : No. I meant in yourself?

JFM : Haha. Actually, you get used to it. The CD is hell, but I kind of like the Bonsai tree. I’ll just have to get it pruned once in a while. Actually Tim…..

TT : Yes

JKM : I meant to ask you. You’ve got kind of a funny last name. I wondered why?

TT : It was originally Smith, but I enjoyed Railway Tycoon II so much I changed it.

JKM : Oh

TT : Actually, I’ve shortened it. It’s really Tim Express-Train. But I’m gonna change it again.

JKM : Why?

TT : Well BIGMAC is gonna be such a huge hit I want to have a name that’s associated with it and not some hulk rusting in a railway shed.

JKM : What do you have in mind?

TT : Well I was toying with Tim Compost-Heap but I think maybe people will laugh. The other one I liked was Tim Car-Park-Attendant but that made me sound as if I was Korean.

JFM : Something that’s really and deeply associated with the game, you say?

TT : Yes

JFM : How about Tim Bug?

TT : Short and to the point, I like it.

Enter Brit Babe

BB : Hi. What’s cooking.

JFM : Tim’s changing his name.

BB : What to Tim?

TT : No I’m already called Tim.

BB : I’m changing my name too

TT : Actually, we don’t know what your name is anyway.

BB : Promise you won’t laugh..

JFM : Promise.

TT : Promise.

BB : Ok. It’s…er…… Miriam

JFM/TT : mwahahahahahahaha

JFM : So why does Brian call you Deidre

BB : Because he’s a jackass

TT : So what are you gonna change it to?

BB : Deidre

*******************************************

Cut to Brian’s office.

SM : So how are we going to deal with outbreaks of war? I mean, it’s a bit lame the way we’ve got it now where they say “I don’t like you any more and my big brother’s gonna nuke you”.

BR : That was Tommy’s idea. I thought we should encourage him.

SM : No Brian we’re going to have to do better than that.

BR : Well I’ve got one idea.

SM : Yes

BR : Well I have a lot of trouble with the people opposite my house. Always mowing their lawn, or playing with the dog and screaming kids. While all I want to do is just sit quiet on my veranda.

SM : So what do you do?

BR : I go over and tell them that unless they keep the noise down I’ll tell the local authority who’ll, in order of importance, dismantle their lawnmower, take away their dog and have their kids put to sleep. Then I’m gonna take apart their house brick by brick.

SM : Fighting talk. I think you’re onto something there Bri. Does it work?

BR : Seems to. They never seem to stick around long.

SM : My only worry is that it’s a bit too long-winded.

BR : I agree. I am just imagining a shorthand way of saying it. I’m sitting outside the house and they start. I walk over and say “veranda upon you”

SM : Why?

BR : Because it always happens when I’m on my veranda.

SM : Great Brian.

Enter JKM

JKM : Have either of you seen the secateurs?

Tune in Tomorrow for another episode of FIRAXIANS

Resource Consumer 06-11-2003 16:18:51

Episode 12
Scene - Brian’s bedroom

Present – Brian and Brit Babe, in bed

BR : Do you know what the best cigarette in the world is Deidre?

BB : No.

BR : The one afterwards.

Takes 2 cigarettes out of the pack puts both in his mouth and lights them.

Offers one to Brit Babe

BB : No thanks I don’t

BR : Why the f**k did you let me light two then

BB : I just thought you liked smoking two at once. Is this really necessary for the part of Deidre, Brian?

BR : Absolutely. I told you. The Vegetarians are close to planet – they have to be. I am playing the voice of planet and this helps you get into the role and me get into… um my role.

BB : Is that why you made those funny moaning sounds? To sound like planet?

BR : Of course. OK. Let’s try it again

BB : Are you sure. So soon?

BR : The lines, Deidre, the lines..

BB : Oh right.. …. In the commons at Fruit and Veg Stall we have a tall and particularly beautiful giant carrot, planted at the time….. Brian, surely carrots grow in the ground not above it?

BR : Do they? Can’t say I’ve ever noticed. Every one I’ve ever seen has been above the ground. Look, the bozos who buy this game don’t really care about details like that. All they want are a few shoop-shoop noises, a few tasty pics of you and a p.. enhancement every month or so to freshen the game up. That’s all they want. Remember, this game’s gonna make you a star.

BB : You really mean it Brian?

BR : Absolutely. BIGMAC is going to be so huge. You’ll get offers of all sorts of work like opening supermarkets, parking lots. Posing naked, tastefully of course, on Tow Trucks. Then there’s the acting – there’s always a demand for Scottish accents over here. Your name will be up in lights, Deidre..

BB : You really think….

BR : I’ve just thought. In the next Star Trek sequel, you could play a new, young, nubile Scottish Engineer. The other Scottish guy there could be your uncle.

********************************************

Meanwhile at the local pub

Present – Carmen behind the bar, Drunk Harry, Jeff Morris and Tim Bug

JKM : Cheers Tim. Here’s to the new name.

TB : Thanks Jeff. Sid said he would be along later.

JKM : Yeah. Brian’s working late with Brit Babe helping her with her lines.

TB : How are things going your end?

JKM : Tim. Knock it off will you. I’m tired of being the butt of all the jokes around here.

TB : I meant. With the game?

JKM : Oh. Actually, I’m a bit worried.

TB : Why?

JKM : Those two.

TB : Carmen and Drunk Harry?

JKM : Yeah. I think they screw up the play balance. They have too many natural affinities. I bet they’ll ally together in almost every game. Drunk Harry’s anyone’s friend who’ll buy him a drink.

TB : I’ve heard Carmen scr..

JKM : Don’t even think about it Tim, I know.

TB : And Brian?

JKM : Sid says he just screws up the game

Enter Sid

TB : Your round

Sid gets the drinks in.

SM : Hi Carmen, how are things?

Carmen : OK Sid. Fine. I’m making really good progress with my lines

SM : Let’s hear them, then.

Carmen : Superior wines and superior spirits have, when taken together, a geometric effect on overall strength and balance. Well-tanked troops fall down many more times than linear consumption would seem to indicate.

Drunk Harry : Aaagh

Passes out

Carmen : See. I think Brian is a genius.

SM : Well, I’m not sure if he’s quite the man he was. I think he’s losing his judgement.

JKM : Why do you say that Sid?

SM : Well. Look at that new unit. The Tambourine Buster.

TB : It’s damned effective, though.

JKM : Yeah. You drop it on a city and it’s full of people chanting and dancing. Drops minerals and nutrient production to zero and the city disbands itself. Brilliant.

SM : Yeah. But why not just nuke the city. It was good enough for Civ2. My classic game, by the way.

TB : What a lame idea. Why don’t we sell the idea of nukes to the CtP gang? They’re bound to include it and then people will say the game really sucks. Machiavellian, hey.

SM : Alright, what about all these daft ways to win? Like Intransigence.

TB : A great idea. Everybody meets and if no-one agrees with anyone else then everybody wins. Great. Really ups the diplomacy and keeps the game short.

SM : Or the Network Nose.

JKF : Brilliant. It allows your city to smell an oncoming Compost Heap and gives early warning.

TB : Isn’t that the Skunkworks?

SM : Sometimes I think you guys have been around Brian too long.


********************************************
Back at BR’s house
Scene - Brian’s bedroom

Present – Brian and Brit Babe in bed

Door opens

Enter Mrs Brian

Mrs Brian : What’s this? Who is this? Brian, explain.

Both jump out of bed and quickly pull on clothes. Unfortunately for Brian the closest item is Brit Babe’s Woodnymph outfit.

BR : I can explain

Mrs Brian : OK. I’m listening.

BR : Well, um…., it’s for a computer game. Deidre here is playing the leader of the Vegetarians on Alpha Centauri and I am the voice of the planet. Anyway, they work together to bring about a harmonious ecology..

Mrs Brian : “harmonious ecology”. That’s what you call it. Looks more like you were playing Doctors and Nurses. Get out, Brian. Go off with Deadbrain here

BB : Deidre

Mrs Brian : Once a man changes the relationship between himself and his environment, he cannot return to the blissful ignorance that he left. Motion, of necessity, involves a change in perspective.

BR : Hey that’s good. I’ll write that….

Mrs Brian : out

SLAM


********************************************
Outside in the street

BB : Sorry Brian. You can’t stay at my place.

BR : (sighs) Well, I’ll stay at the office then.

********************************************

In the office. Late

Enter JKM, somewhat drunk

Sees Brian in Deidre’s Woodnymph outfit.

JKM : aaaaaagh. A bug, a bug. It’s a giant bug.

Exit JKM screaming.

Don't forget to tune in for another episode of FIRAXIANS - the everyday life of a computer games company.
--------------------------------------------
Episode 13

Scene Firaxis HQ, Early morning.
Sid arrives, opens door. Enters office.

Present Brian. Still wearing Deidre’s Woodnymph costume.

SM : Brian. What happened to you?

BR : Mrs Brian caught me and Brit Babe at it. She threw me out. I slept here.

SM : Does Brit Babe often make you dress like that?

BR : No. It was an accident. She’s running around dressed as a games designer at the moment

SM : (thinks) Wonder what Brian looks like in leather?

SM : What’s that on your hand Brian?

BR : A goldfish bowl

SM : Why?

BR : I was hungry

SM : Sorry?

BR : I was going to have a goldfish sandwich. I put my hand in to get it, but I can’t get it out.

SM : I can see the fish is still there.

BR : Little bastard keeps nibbling my fingers.

SM : Nasty

BR : But Sid. Sitting here last night alone has given me a great new idea

SM : Yes Brian?

BR : Drones and ways to stop them rioting.

SM : How?

BR : Put one of these on each of their hands. They can’t do anything. No drone riots - can’t even visit the bathroom

SM : Great Brian. Got a name for this improvement

BR : Yep. Punishment Sphere – believe me I know – it’s even worse with the goldfish.

Enter Brit Babe

BB : Brian I’ve brought your clothes

BR : Thanks Deidre

Brian rather self consciously tries to put on his clothes but the goldfish bowl provides something of an obstruction.

BB : I’ve been to see Mrs Brian to sort things out with her.

BR : and?

BB : No dice. She said that her private residence was off-limits to me and that I had violated faction privileges and

BR : That sounds cool – wish I could write it down. Damned fishbowl.

BB : Brian

BR : Yes Deidre

BB : she’s leaving you

BR : Yippee

BB : um…. With Mr Former the gardener

BR : What that jerk Terry. The no good son of a bitch

SM : Brian I’ve got an idea - adjusting terrain. We could have these units that do it like in Civ2 and I’ve thought of a really cool name based on your gardener…

BR : Right on Sid. No Good Sons of Bitches. Do you think that’ll work?

-------------------------------------------

Resource Consumer 06-11-2003 16:21:12

Some time has elapsed since Firaxians I. The game has been released and Mrs Brian has run off with Terry Former the gardener and opened a landscaping business.

Scene Brian’s office.

Present : Sid, Brian, Jeff

SM : So, Jeff and Brian, a job well done.

BR : Yep. BIGMAC is now a best seller.

JKM : (sitting). And I’ve had everything removed from well..., you know, I’ve got rid of all the bugs in the office - life is good.

BR : So, time for the next project. What’s it to be?

SM : Well, I’ve hired this guy to do the MAC application.

BR : You mean McApplication? Deidre can do the accent perfectly now you know.

SM : No the MAC application for BIGMAC

JKM : You mean MACBIGMAC or BIGMACMAC?

SM : Whatever.

Enter Brad Oliver

SM : Let me introduce you to the boys – Brian, Jeff.

BO : Hi guys. Sid, look, I’m gonna have to change my name because, when they write me into the soap people, will think I smell.

SM : No problem. Tim Bug’s always changing his name. What do you want to change it to?

BO : I was thinking of Brad Alien-Crossfire

BR : No good. That’s what Tim has changed his name to

SM : I thought he changed it to Tim Even-More-Bugs.

JFM : Same thing.

BO : Well how about Brad Mac

SM : Sounds like a burger.

BR : Sounds like a computer game.

JFM : Sounds like a bug.

Enter Tim Even-More-Bugs

TT : Hi guys. Brian, I like your new secretary. She’s pretty tasty.

BR : Yeah. Scandinavian.

SM : Bet Deidre’s jealous. Does she have anything to do?

BR : Deidre’s job now is mainly watering the office plants.

SM : And your new secretary? Does she go as well as Deidre?

BR : Haven’t found out yet? Scandinavian cool and playing hard to get. She’s pretty hot at work, though, 100 words per minute.

TT : That’s fast

BR : I’ve got her typing up all the things we didn’t put in the manual

SM : My God. That’s a herculean task. Why?

BR : Well, I thought we could release the manual separately and call it a hints guide or something.

JKM : That’s neat. Do you think those assholes will fall for it?

BR : Assholes? Oh, sorry, customers. Yeah, sure they will. Actually, I’ve got an even better idea.

TT : Yeah?

BR : A follow up to BIGMAC. New techs, new factions – a real money spinner

SM : Sounds good Brian. I can tell you’re getting back into form.

BR : Well, actually, it was the new secretary that gave me the idea. She keeps turning me down and I needed something to show her what a genius I am. So I thought why not extend the game – my crowning glory.

TT : But what else can we do with the factions?

SM : (thinks) Oh dear, I think I know.

BR : Again. I thought what about a really automated efficient group of people, who play it dead cool. I’m thinking maybe that they should get –1 growth as they aren’t interested in sex.

TT : Like Cyborgs?

BR : No. Scandinavian Secretaries.

Sid slowly bangs head on table.

BR : And we’ll have 2 lots of aliens.

JKM : Great, so there will be plenty of bugs in it, then.

-------------------------------------------
Episode II
Scene Brian’s Office.

Present Sid and Brian. Brit Babe is watering the plants.

SM : Brian, I’m still not too convinced about this. It’s very unconventional.

BR : Sid, we’ve got to be leaders, innovators. Was Civ innovative?

SM : Yes

BR : Civ2?

SM : Absolutely

BR : Civ..er.. um SMAC

SM : it was a bit different

BR : So why don’t we make Alien Crossroads even more innovative?

SM : But nobody’s ever done anything like this before

BR : Exactly. We’ll get the Nobel peace prize

SM : Well you’ll have to tell Jeff

Enter Jeff

JKM : You wanted to see me?

BR : Yes Jeff. No need to stand.

JKM : I know but I’ve got into the habit.

BR : Yes it’s about these bugs

JKM : I got them all – every damned one of them!

BR : I know..

JKM : I kicked their butts right out!

BR : We want them back in

JKM : What?

BR : Put them back in and introduce a few new ones while you’re at it

JKM : Why?

BR : Do you not think the world is a cold hard place, Jeff?

JKM : Yes

BR : Would you not like to introduce some warmth and colour into otherwise drab existences?

JKM : Er….yes, I suppose

BR : And do you not see that bugs are the way to do that

JKM : No. How?

SM : What Brian is trying to say Jeff is that if we introduce a perfectly balanced game, good AI, no bugs then people are just going to buy the game take it home and play it. They will not be getting value for money.

JKM : How?

BR : Because if we screw up the AI and infest it with bugs then all those poor assh… customers will go to alpha.owo or that COAL place to whine about it. They can make friends with their fellow whingers. They can compare .SAV files, they can play spot the bug. Hell, some of them might even try multiplayer. Think how much richer their lives could be and all it needs is just a few bugs. You can do that for them.

JKM : I’m so sorry, I never knew.

SM : What?

JKM : About all the misery that I caused by taking out bugs from games. How people must hate me out there? Don’t worry Brian, Sid, I’m reformed. I’ll go and get the bugs in this instant.

Exit Jeff

******************************************

Later.

BR : Sid, why are you scratching?

SM : I was going to ask the same thing Brian.

BR & SM : JEFF

---------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 3
Scene Brian’s Office

Present Brian, Sid

BR : and the man says to the attendant, right….

Enter Brit Babe

BR : of course as we know 5000 lbs of pressure can suck out almost anything..

BB : Brian. No

BR : I was just telling Sid my funny story…

BB : …about the man and the underwater toilet. No, I don’t think so Brian. I think there should be some changes around here

BR : Like what?

BB : You get rid of that blonde bit with a voice like a vacuum cleaner.

SM : And replace her with who?

BB : Me. I can do all sorts of accents now. I don’t mind smoking 80 ciggies a day and impersonating a household object. All I do is water the damned plants round here anyway.

BR : But you do it very well Deidre.

BB : Doh

Exit Brit Babe

BR : She’s getting more pushy, haven’t you noticed. She wants to design a game of her own now.

SM : Is it wise to let her?

BR : I’m not sure, but if I don’t then the cold blonde one’s the only game in town. Deidre had this idea for one called “Trees”.

SM : “Trees”? What happens

BR : Well, you take some seeds and plant some trees.

SM : and?

BR : She hasn’t got any further yet, though. I kinda like the concept but I agree it needs more work.

SM : Brian, do you think maybe we are carrying too much deadwood on the staff?

BR : How do you mean, Sid?

SM : Well, the headcount may be too large. Especially now we’ve added the Social Work Department to get the bugs back in the game.

BR : Well Jeff does seem to be a bit distracted lately.

SM : You can say that again. Have you got rid of all yours yet?

BR : Yes. I had Jeff fumigate the whole place. I suspect, though, he may have done Deidre’s bonsai tree in again so he’s keeping a low profile.

SM : Very wise. Are you sure we should keep him on the staff?

BR : Well…

Enter Jeff, removing his cycle clips.

SM : So you’ve taken up cycling again?

JFM : Hi. Sorry I’m late – had a puncture

BR : Bad luck Jeff. We’ve got a repair kit somewhere in the office. Talk to the Scandinavian bird but, for your own good, keep out of Deidre’s way.

Exit Jeff

SM : Well, now that we’re going to issue a game with lots of bugs. We need a fall back position so we can slowly take them out later to keep the whiner…er…customers happy.

Enter Jeff with bicycle wheel, repair kit and bowl of water. Jeff locates puncture

BR : Well, I envisage a program of a dozen or so updates to the software.

SM : You mean a series of patches.

JKM : I’m just doing it. Patching this tyre I mean. There – good as new.

BR : Jeff, that’s brilliant.

SM & JKM : What?

BR : That tyre, where you’ve patched it, it’s better than the rest of the tyre. It looks better than new in fact. Yes, you have enhanced it. Yes, it is an Enhancement.

SM : What are you on about Brian?

BR : We won’t patch the game. We’ll leave it as it is and let the assh… customers have a field day.

SM : No?

BR : No, I’ve got a better idea.

SM : What?

BR : Well anyone who hates the bugs so much is obviously a pathetic loser and doesn’t understand the first thing about the novel therapeutic concepts we are putting into this game. Right?

SM : Yes

BR : So, we need to do something that will make them happy. Jeff just gave me the idea.

SM: What the Enhancement?

BR : Yes. If they complain, we’ll send them a bicycle and tell them to go out, get some exercise and get a life.

Resource Consumer 06-11-2003 16:22:36

Episode 4.

Scene – Brian’s Office. Present – Brian, Sid, Jeff.

SM : Well that didn’t work too well did it?

BR : Assholes.

JKM : All I did was tell them that they should be grateful that we put all the bugs in.

SM : Seems a lot of people are really pissed off about it. They just don’t understand us.

BR : We’re going to have to rescue this PR disaster. I’ll put Tim onto it – an interview online about SMACX should do the trick nicely.

SM : Is that wise Brian?

BR : Why?

SM : Well we have all this furore about bugs and we are going to counter with an interview with someone who insists on being called Tim Even-More-Bugs.

Enter Tim

TEMB : You called?

BR : Yes. Tim, can you set up an online interview. You know the usual crap. A few crumbs about Alien C ….Promise them the moon and….

SM : Give them Alpha Centauri?

JKM : Give them CIV again?

BR : Absolutely, Jeff.

TEMB : OK, I’ll get on with it.

Exit Tim

------------------------------------------

Tim is sat at the computer. Brian, Sid and Jeff are in attendance.

TEMB : (types) Ready when you are. Oh…first question.

BR : What’s it say, Tim?

TEMB : We understand that Alien Crossfire is sort of "your baby". Who from the SMAC team is also working on this?

BR : Is he kidding? We’re just gonna stamp this out the door and see who falls for it.

SM : Tell him we are putting all our intellectual firepower into it. The same quality team that brought out BIGMAC

TEMB : Next. “How did you come up with the name Alien Crossfire? Was it just a coincidence that it has the same initials as SMAC? In the end, what should we call it to differentiate it from SMAC (Alpha Centauri, that is)?”

BR : Differentiate it? Well there’ll be more bugs of course.
----------------------------------------

The next week.

BR : Jesus. I just don’t understand these guys.

SM : What?

BR : We send Tim out to talk to them and tell them all about the goodies that we are going to put in it.

SM : Yes?

BR : And they still whinge. They think Tim’s saying there’s no bugs in it.

SM : Well he is isn’t he.

BR : Yes...er...No. Look, we know there are bugs in it. Lovingly crafted ones, ones that bring a smile to a crying child, ones that glow in the dark - all sorts. We have done this so subtly there are even bugs within the bugs. But these are not bugs in that sense – these are features. The assholes just don’t get it.

SM : So, what do we do Brian? This is turning into a real PR disaster.

BR : We bring out the heavy hitters.

SM : Who?

BR : Jeff again. But this time we go for the sympathy vote. Let’s make the people love him.

------------------------------------------

Scene Brian’s office. Present Brian, Sid and Jeff.

Jeff is typing at the computer.

JKM : OK. Ready. First Question.

BR : OK.

JKM : What made you get involved in QA ?

BR : OK. Jeff, type this.

JKM : Ready

BR : “I needed a job to support my poor blind invalid mother and my eight children. I also wanted the opportunity to become a game god by working with a genius like Brian Reynolds”

JKM : How long have you worked in the QA field?

BR : “We at FIRAXIS are a civilised company. We make many facilities available to our staff. We have a water cooler, coffee machine, hot and cold running European secretaries. We even have an indoor bonsai garden looked after by one of our up and coming game designers. We do not make the staff work in a field”

JKM : Brian, as a matter of interest, what’s QA?

BR : Something computer people talk about. It probably stands for something dumb like Quorn Angst. I’ll ask Deidre she should know.

SM : Perhaps it’s Question Answering?

BR : Yes, that’s it – and us three are the Question Answering team. Huh, the dumbos thought they’d catch us out with that one.

SM : OK, next question.

JKM : Is there something about Firaxis' staff or setup that you feel makes them a good QA team?

BR : They're really into this QA crap, aren’t they? OK, tell them this. “We have two of the true Game Gods, who are good at answering questions. We also have Jeff Morris and Tim Train who do interviews and answer questions. In fact generally we are excellent at answering questions.”

JKM : Do you find it easier to test a strategy based game compared to other genres?

BR : Stuffed if I know. Any ideas, Sid, Jeff?

SM : Just waffle Jeff.

JKM : I’ll talk about bugs

SM : What have you written, Jeff

JKM : “Since working on BIGMAC, I have learned a lot about bugs. “

SM : Profound, Jeff.

JKM : Here we are, last question. How would you define Quality Assurance?

BR : OK. Try this, Jeff. “Quality assurance is what I say it is. I assure you of the quality”. Now ask them, if they want any info about Alien Cowshed.

JKM : Yes please, they say.

BR : Typical. They come running back for more. Well, tell them they’ll have to wait – we are currently in negotiations to make BIGMAC really big.

SM : This is new on me Brian?

BR : Sid, you and I need to talk, there is something I must tell you......

Cue mysterious music

FIRAXIANS - the story of a games company that thinks big and talks too much.

-------------------------------------------
Episode 5.

Scene – Brian’s office. Present – Brian and Sid.

SM : OK, Brian, let’s hear it?

BR : OK. Sid, what’s the best way to knock out a few more bucks from BIGMAC

SM : The sequel?

BR : Nope

SM : Making the customer pay for enh….patches

BR : No. In fact, I have this idea to make them pay for patches that don’t do anything at all.

SM : Brilliant idea Sid. Will they fall for it?

BR : Of course. But there’s more.

SM : Yes?

BR : Merchandising.

SM : Merchandising?

BR : Yeah. I had the idea here late last night. You know, I sleep here, now don’t you?

SM : Brit Babe and the Scandibird still holding out on you?

BR : Afraid so. Well, I was here alone and feeling kind a lonely and….well look at this.

Brian opens cupboard and removes a lifesize inflatable doll.

SM : What’s that for?

BR : If you don’t know now Sid, you never will.

SM : I mean, what relevance is it to us?

BR : Well, I was missing Deidre and…. Then I got the idea

SM : What?

BR : Inflatable Deidre dolls.

SM : Will that work?

BR : Yes, but we need expert help. Have you seen my two new staff members?

SM : You mean the new secretary in the Union Jack minidress and the guy in the black mask with asthma and the fluorescent light tube?

BR : That’s right. These guys are experts at spin-off merchandising. We’ve already got loads of spin-off products ready to roll.

SM : Like the Deidre sex-doll?

BR : Right

SM : What else?

BR : Santiago BDSM gear, Zak glasses, Lal turbans, Morgan Savings Accounts and….

SM : Yes?

BR : Yang pot noodles.

SM : Brian, we won’t get away with this.

BR : of course we will. It’s the oldest trick in the book, I’ll prove it. Look at these.

SM : What are they Brian?

BR : Miriam’s fingers.

SM : But what do we do with them?

BR : We sell them as holy relics

SM : But she’s only supposed to have 10 Brian – you’ve got a whole boxful there.

BR : The cust…er..assholes will never notice.

--------------------------------------------
Episode 6 :

Scene Jeff and Tim’s Office

JKM : It’s getting a bit crowded here these days

TT : Well, it’s Brian’s Harem I suppose – means we have to double up. Don’t you think that three secretaries is a bit much and that new guy in the mask scares the hell out of me.

JKM : I think we should have more. I hear Brian’s auditioning some more to act as the new faction leaders. Should be fun? I’d like to have a go at being in the game as well.

TT : You. Can you act?

JKM : Well, I can do impressions.

TT : OK, go on.

JKM : OK. “You dirty brother you killed my rat”

TT : That was the worst James Cagney I’ve ever heard.

JKM : No, that was my brother talking to me after I started in the pest control business.


TT : You don’t have much luck do you – your brother’s rat, Brit Babes bonsai tree.

JKM : Believe me – the tree was far worse.

TT : Do you still have all that protective gear?

JKM : Don’t use it now that we put all the smiley bugs into the game. If I do need something, I Improvise.

TT : How?

JKM : I’ll show you

Takes paper carrier bag out of his desk and puts it over his head.

JKM : Can you now tape up the bag and tape up my sleeves. Tightly and….

TT : OK Jeff, will do.

Tapes it up very tightly seriously restricting Jeff’s movements

TT : That’s really very good, Jeff, you won’t have any problems there. Shouldn’t you have some holes for your eyes?

JKM : mmm mm mmm

Enter Brian

BR : Jeff, what are you doing?

TT : He’s showing how he improvises with protective clothing.

BR : But that’s brilliant.

TT : What?

BR : The alien faction. We’ll use Jeff with a bag on his head. Hey, he can do the voice as well. Come on let’s tell Sid.

Exit Brian and Tim

JKM : mm mm mm mmmm mmm mmm

Walks into furniture and falls over rubbish bin.

JKM : (thinks) Wonder what I’d look like in leather?

--------------------------------------------

Resource Consumer 06-11-2003 16:23:04

Episode 7

Scene Brian’s office. Present Brian

Enter Sid and Tim

BR : Good morning Sid and Tim, what’s up.

SM : We’ve got problems Brian

BR : What?

SM : Well it seems that someone’s worked out we used a whole load of CivII code in BIGMAC

BR : How could they have done that? We disguised it really carefully and even put extra bugs in. Was it the infinite missile range bug? I knew I should have asked Jeff to take that one out.

SM : no, not that.

BR : So…..

A large crash from outside is heard

Enter Chris Pine

CP : Morning

SM : Morning, how many this time, Chris

CP : Going for five

TEMB : What, bugs?

CP : Balls

BR : He only asked!

SM : Chris means his juggling balls, Brian

BR : Sounds impressive. You should talk to Deidre and Aki about that

SM : Shouldn’t Jeff be here

Another crash from outside. Jeff – in costume lurches and stumbles through the door

BR : Morning Jeff

JKM : mmm mm mmm mm

BR : Stanislavski. Jeff, you show real dedication. I like it.

SM : Let’s get down to business. How do we fend of these lawsuits that we nicked the CivII code?

BR : Sid. Wait a minute, does this mean we are going to see all of our hard earned profits get gobbled up by bloody greedy lawyers?

TT : We could say we were very sorry and promise not to do it again

SM : Yes, but Tim that would mean all of our profits getting syphoned off. Brian is right, we’ve just got to get the best lawyer we can and try and fight it. It’ll be expensive.

BR : Jesus. That’s not fair. I mean we have at least repackaged something. At least made it look a little different. Meanwhile half a planet away, there’ll be some bunch of guys duplicating games onto CDs as fast as we can write them. Just isn’t fair.

SM : It’s not a fair world Brian. But we have to fight….

BR : Wait, Sid. I’ve got an idea. If they sue us for the original they can’t really sue us for the expansion as well can they.

SM : Well, the settlement might require royalties, but probably not…

BR : OK. So we make the expansion pack brilliant and then clean up with that. We even sell off BIGMAC cheap with a $10 off voucher.

SM : OK, Brian but we need to make the expansion pack really good.

BR : I’ve just had an idea Sid.

SM : Yes

BR : When were talking about these guys burning these CDs illegally. Jesus that makes me mad and.…

SM : Brilliant, so we have a Pirate faction?

BR : No. Bloody Greedy Lawyers. They’d soon sort out those bastards. We give them –2 efficiency for all that paperwork and +3 economy for their fat fees. To counterbalance we reduce their diplomatic standing as no other faction will like or trust them.

SM : What do you think Jeff and Tim?

TEMB : It might work.

JKM : mm mmm mmm mmm

BR : Sid, see, Jeff’s getting into this one as well – he doesn’t want to incriminate himself.

Resource Consumer 06-11-2003 16:24:04

Scene : Firaxis’ secretaries’ Office

Present : Brit Babe and Aki Hansen

AH : Have you ever seen Brian in such a foul mood

BB : Yes, often

AH : When?

BB : When he doesn’t know what to do, when he doesn’t get a joke and when he doesn’t get his leg over.

AH : So, most of the time then?

BB : Yep. However, he’s really pretty pissed off today. I heard him and Sid shouting earlier. That’s pretty unusual.

AH : I think Sid’s cute. I wonder what he looks like in leather.


Scene : Sid’s office.

Present : Sid and Brian

BR : Look Sid, let’s approach this calmly. I am sure you’re overreacting.

SM : Brian, the guy’s a jerk. We hire him to run a website and what happens? As soon as he shows up he deletes half the threads on the forums and then closes them.

BR : Well, that was on Jeff Briggs’ instructions. We really want to get this e-commerce up and running. Besides did you really want to listen to those bozos on there whining on about bugs, Austrian elections and deleted threads. I certainly didn’t. In fact, when it was quiet I used to creep on there and delete a few myself. Now they have to e-mail us and if they complain about a game we delete it for their own protection. Great system.

SM : commerce – shmommerce. What are we gonna sell there. We’ve only got the BIGMAC extension and my new game.

BR : Anteater? Great name for a game Sid, but I don’t see what anteaters had to do with the civil war.

SM : It’ll take to long to explain to you Brian. But look, we’ve alienated a lot of the gaming community. They’ll never buy another game from us

BR : Cause they will

SM : That’ll mean less money for us

BR : So what’s money. They’ll beg us to write another one, jerks.

SM : It’ll reduce your appeal to Deidre

BR : Sid, we’ve got to fix it. What shall we do?

SM : I thought maybe that you could show up on some of the forums and talk about BIGMAC. Something like that?

BR : I know, I could go and talk about BIGMAC. How does that sound?

SM : Brilliant Brian.

BR : Just like I did before, before BIGMAC was released.

SM : That’s it.

BR : I can talk about ICS

SM : What infinite city sprawl?

BR : No. Ignoring Customers Systematically. The bozos won’t know what hit them.

Resource Consumer 06-11-2003 16:24:28

I can't find parts IV and V - but that's most of it.

MDA 06-11-2003 18:12:09

Whoa. Flashback!

self biased 06-11-2003 21:04:48

dear lord! you expect me to read all that?

Venom 06-11-2003 21:06:36

That is some old skool shit right there.

chagarra 07-11-2003 01:13:40

Memories.....

:D

Shining1 07-11-2003 10:08:37

Thanks RC!:D

MDA 07-11-2003 16:06:30

Quote:

Big Incredible Great Mindblowing Alpha Centauri
I'll bet BR thought the BigHugeGames name was HIS idea. :D

Aredhran 07-11-2003 23:47:44

Awesome ! I was laughing out loud, alone in my hotel room as I was reading this.

:lol:

Resource Consumer 08-11-2003 19:37:19

The trouble is a lot of newer members won't get all of it. It was the start of the "in jokes"

MDA 10-11-2003 18:11:07

I have the the first part of the SMACjunkie Newbie story somewhere...

Qaj the Fuzzy Love Worm 10-11-2003 18:54:04

Quote:

Originally posted by Resource Consumer
The trouble is a lot of newer members won't get all of it.
Especially parts IV and V :)

Are the files archived at AC*L?

Resource Consumer 10-11-2003 19:42:40

I think they have been removed offline. Those ones are, though, pretty short. I don't remember much of IV and V predomintly consisted a letter from Deidre (and Brian Junior) to Brian

Qaj the Fuzzy Love Worm 11-11-2003 05:16:08

ACOL doeshas IV. Whaddaya know, the old corpse has a glimmer of life in it after all :)

FIRAXIANS IV - The Next Generation

Quote:

Episode 1.
Some further time has elapsed.

Scene : Firaxis HQ, Monday morning

Present : Brain and Sid

Enter Aki

AH : A letter for you Brian

Slams letter down on table

AH : From HER

SM : Do I detect some tension here?

BR : For me. Airmail. It’s from Deidre - Aki gets jealous but still plays hard to get.

SM grins slightly

Brian opens letter

SM : How’s Brit Babe doing now Bri?

BR : I’ll read the letter to you Sid

(reads)

“Dear Brian,

Just a little note to let you know that both I and Brian Junior are doing well...”

SM : Brian Junior! So that’s why she disappeared in a hurry. It’s kinda cute that you call him Brian Junior.

BR : Actually that was Deirde’s idea, I had my own suggestions.

SM : Which were?

BR : My first idea was to call him Deidre to keep everything simple but Deidre wouldn’t allow that - said it was a girls name. Damn, life would be really simple if we just called everyone Deidre. Then I wanted to call him Brain - after my Father.

SM : Your father was called Brain Reynolds?

BR : Yep. I was going to be Brain Reynolds Junior but they loused up and misspelled it as “Brian” on the birth certificate. Deidre said that ”Brain” sounded stupid. Frankly, I think it sounds cleverer than Brian.

SM : Continue please Bri.

BR : (reads)

“..are doing well in this rather nice castle you have rented for us in Scotland.”

SM : Why Scotland, Brian? Surely you are not worried about the wrath of Mrs Brian anymore.

BR : Worried about all the others, hee hee! No, actually, it is to do with Deidre’s career. I still have plans of launching her as one of the great Sci-Fi actresses of all time. I’m still playing the Scottish angle and hope to get her a part as a Scottish engineer in this new film.

SM : Which film is that Bri?

BR : Star Tricks : The Next Ejaculation

SM : An odd title.

BR : Yeah. I know, the script is kind of weak and Diedre’s not all that happy about taking her clothes off as much as they would like or about some of the scenes with the Aliens. Man, those guys are deformed. But, hey, this could be the start of a whole series. I promised her a career as an actress and I still intend to deliver. Women are SO ungrateful.

SM : Continue, Brian

BR : (reads)

“..Brian Junior appears to be quite a precocious child. He can already say simple words. I tried to explain to him about his daddy and showed him a copy of Alpha Centauri. He pointed at it and guess what his first words were? “Bugs”. Isn’t that sweet. I will be sending him to kindergarten shortly as there is little more that I can teach him at home. He was assessed by an educational psychologist last week who said that he can probably already write better code than his father. Doesn’t that make you proud Brian?

I have to go now as I must do my exercises for the Star Tricks film.

Yours

Brit Babe”

SM : Sounds like we’ll have to offer him a job before he goes to school.

BR : Maybe we could. Tommy has gone away to boarding school so we need someone to lead the Student faction.

SM : Brian that’s over now. And I’ve finished Anteater...I mean...Antietam. Now we need a new big idea.

BR : Well, I’ve been working on Deidre’s old trees idea. You know, the one where they plant trees.

SM : And?

BR : Now, you can plant trees and cut them down again. With the wood you can either build foresters huts or woodcutters huts and do some more.

Enter JKM

JKM : hi Sid and Brian

SM : Hi Jeff

BR : Hi Jeff, glad to see you’re walking well again.

SM : Brian, is there any conflict in this game?

BR : Only when someone tries to build a road then you get ecoprotesters in the trees. Now, and this is the fun part, you can cut the trees down with the ecoprotesters on them. They could make a wonderful screaming sound as they plunge earthwards. Actually that was Jeff’s idea.

SM : What’s the big fun in that Jeff?

JKM : Sid, believe me, after the recent past I can see the fun in that.

the search for the next big idea continues .......................

Resource Consumer 11-11-2003 12:12:55

Thanks Qaj. I reckon that was the last one. I think there was an idea to do V with Brian coming back as a head of BigHugeConsultants but I don't think I ever finished it.


All times are GMT. The time now is 00:04:55.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.2
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
© Counterglow 2001-2012. All rights reserved.