PDA

View Full Version : A fragment


Acaptus
02-01-2003, 05:07:02
Good morning everybody. None of you know who I am. Well you do, you just don't know you do. Actually, I wasn't really all that well known over there, so odds are you don't remember who I am.

Anyway, I need some place to share my writing and the place I was doing that at wasn't quite appropriate. I'll probably participate in many a political debate here as well, ranting about utopian futures.

Well, here's a story fragment that I wrote a long time ago and have been trying to perfect ever since. I'm not sure what will come after it (or before, maybe it's the end of the story) so... I think I've run out of things to say...



Naturally, the room was small, cramped, and dirty. The sparse furniture was made of a synthetic material that was probably produced several dozen lightyears from here in a factory that was most likely identical to one, two, or three hundred thousand others located on the planet in all features save name. Though given the size of the galaxy and the lack of creativity of humanity, that too, could have been the same. An atmosphere of shadowy confinement pervaded throughout the unstylish, empty room. Despite the lack of anything, the poor lighting would probably agitate one afflicted with claustrophobia.

At the moment, there were only three prominent features in this room, though that was certainly more than there normally were. The first was the small gun held in the rigid hand of a shorter than average, thin man. The gun was gray metal and rusted, obviously quite worn. It had seen many a day, many a murder; been an accessory to countless crimes, one more mattered little.

There was nothing unique about this gun, though its bearer had taken special care to pick it out. He had made sure that whatever weapon he purchased, it was a projectile weapon, and not a laser. With a laser, there was little satisfaction in the kill, or so he theorized. He needed to hear the loud crack of the pistol as the hammer triggered the explosives, wanted to watch the bullets pierce flesh, spray blood. That was definitely part of the appeal and a laser, while it would have been equally effective at ending the life of its target, would not have produced the same effect, and would not have been as stimulating.

The man holding the gun was hard to look at. While he bore no mark of identification, his inimitable presence could not be hidden in a crowd Ė that was Theces Pyorial. Theces was a stark contrast to the muddy gray and brown of the dark room. His clothing shimmered with color and brightness, purple appearing to be his favorite. Jewelry, some tasteful, some extravagant and gaudy, hung from his neck, wrists, and ears, reflecting a thousand times every fragment of light that touched the gold or gold facsimile upon him. His faced was injected with an extraordinary amount of color and shade dyes, enough to kill the average human. The dyes themselves were of such great variety and potency that they appeared to fight for dominance over his visage, creating an image of a face that had little resemblance to the human he was.

Thecesí expression was contorted even more so by the multitude of emotions that he felt. There was excitement over the recently committed act, fear of the consequences of his actions, hatred and pity for those that he had used his weapon upon. And suddenly the gun held tight in his hand as if in rigor mortis came to his attention. It seemed silly, hanging out there like an extension of himself. He laughed on the inside, remembering a friend who had once told him of the phallic nature of all weaponry. Theces made a mental note to try that some time. The bracelets he wore struck each other as he lowered his arm, creating a sound that was almost, but not quite, musical.

And then there was the product of his insane act. Two bodies lie on the floor, one male one female, each with a bullet to the head. Though he was far from an expert marksman, he had prepared himself. Theces had waited, ready to ambush, knowing exactly when and where they would enter the shabby home. He had stood in front of the door, with the gun pointed right where he knew the manís head would be. They were so predictable, so automatic, he thought with malice. As he took aim and fired, the energies of the empyrean had flooded through him and into the pistol, driving the bullets forward with unerring accuracy.

The male had come in first, wearing an all-covering brown environmental suit. It provided adequate protection against the corrosive chemicals of the factory, but against a supersonic bullet, it offered no resistance; nor could his skin, skull, or brains do much to deter the agent on its mission. His death was immediate. The female body arrived shortly afterwards. Seeing her dead husband gave her time to react, but the reaction was purely emotional, not mental. Her face warped into an expression of shock, her eyes pleading to Theces for an answer. And then she too fell.

The crime had not been entirely premeditated. It was both a calculated action and a crime of passion. The emotion of passion was a powerful feeling that Theces could grasp, love, and live off of for a considerable length of time.

As he stared at the two bodies before him, Theces began to wonder where this well of emotion had come from and how it had grown. In a flash of awareness, he realized precisely what he had done, and consciousness left him. What prompted this state of unconsciousness was unknown to him, but when he awoke, he no longer stood in the doorway to his parentsí home.

Opinions? *runs for cover*

Darkstar
03-01-2003, 06:50:53
I'd change the 'furniture was made lightyears from here' to something less first person oriented.

And I'd suggest changing Theces to something else. Sounds like Feces. Unless that was what you wanted...

Why do people think lasers would be more deadly? They'd be less, in general. You have to be super accurate with them, and they self cauterize the wounds. That means unless you aren't going to get a kill just by hitting someone in the liver or stomach... unless they die by body shock. Projectiles are much better suited for causing massive physical damage. Although the lack of recoil on a laser gun would be nice, I suppose. No surprises for untrained shooters, other then them pulling the aim point when they squeeze the trigger or something, I suppose.

Other then that... seems a nice enough gritty piece.

Acaptus
03-01-2003, 19:50:06
Nah, I'm terrible with names and not too attached to this one. But that's not what it's supposed to ryhme with. The first e should be like the e in red. How would I spell that so that others read it that way?

And this takes place waaaaay in the future (it's actually not my universe) so they have the technology to produce lasers that can be on par with projectile weaponry.

Lazarus and the Gimp
03-01-2003, 20:10:23
Originally posted by Acaptus
I'll probably participate in many a political debate here as well, ranting about utopian futures.



Don't bet on it.

Lazarus and the Gimp
03-01-2003, 20:13:26
Originally posted by Acaptus

Thecesí expression was contorted even more so by the multitude of emotions that he felt. There was excitement over the recently committed act, fear of the consequences of his actions, hatred and pity for those that he had used his weapon upon. And suddenly the gun held tight in his hand as if in rigor mortis came to his attention

You've got a conflict between the description of heightened emotions and the detached tone you use. Try switching to shorter and grittier sentences to create tension.

Acaptus
03-01-2003, 20:21:09
Never did like that paragraph much anyway. It just states how he feels and doesn't show it. Any suggestions on how to shorten the sentences without losing content?

Darkstar
07-01-2003, 01:18:58
Well, rule of basic English is: if there are two consonants behind the vowel, it's a short vowel. So change Theces to Thecces.

If you want to say that about lasers, fine, but it still isn't true. That is way the military isn't interested in lasers for killing people, but are interested in lasers for killing tanks, planes, ships, and missiles. There isn't much that is critically important to a human. I could take a mega-watt laser and shoot you through the EYE, and you'd survive. Be blinded, and in a bit of pain, but you'd SURVIVE. That doesn't happen with projectiles...

Acaptus
07-01-2003, 04:03:52
It does say "equally efficient" mind you.

And with a strong enough laser, things explode. You produce enough heat and the water in your cells will boil. Lasers can do bad things to a person if they're powerful enough. Microwave lasers would probably be better at performing such a feat, however.

Nav
07-01-2003, 12:27:55
Darkstar, it's science-fiction not science-fact. ;)

Darkstar
08-01-2003, 07:50:46
You said lasers. Not masers. Large difference. Now, the army is looking at masers for torturing, I mean, killing people.

Nav, you saying his lasers don't travel at the speed of light, so people can see them streak along? :D

Nav
08-01-2003, 20:04:26
Didn't stop Battlestar Galactica. ;)

Darkstar
10-01-2003, 07:08:21
Well, there's science fantasy and Scientifiction. ;)

Qweeg
10-01-2003, 14:59:11
I liked this story, very dark. The implications of the scope of its setting (galactic) was well done, I liked the reference to the paradox of endless possibility leading to endless repetition, and I don't think the idea of a serial-killer/psycho-path in such a sci-fi setting has been seen before by me (of course, I don't know if that's all that the story is about- as many psycho's have been encountered generally in sci-fi)

Your style is quite good, specifically in that you have a style, and don't worry to much about rules, rules are for followers man, artists, creators, inspirers, inventors, these people flic the rules a finger man- just so long as people can clearly read what's going on is what I reckons important (and spelling, people get so inexplicably pissed if you don't check your spelling, who knows why:confused: )

Anyway, keep up the good work, and do add to this if possible.

Well done.

Darkstar
13-01-2003, 16:24:46
Spelling is important in that your audience has to read your work. If something is mispelled, they might have to puzzle out what is meant, and that takes away from them experiencing the story. Take away from that, and you ruin their fun. No fun, no reason to read the story...

Qweeg
13-01-2003, 16:54:20
man, artists, creators, inspirers, inventors and me as well.

Darkstar
13-01-2003, 17:03:34
I'm an official NASA Innovator. And they still expect us to know how to use a spell checker. ;)

Acaptus
13-01-2003, 19:51:35
Originally posted by Darkstar
Spelling is important in that your audience has to read your work. If something is mispelled, they might have to puzzle out what is meant, and that takes away from them experiencing the story. Take away from that, and you ruin their fun. No fun, no reason to read the story...

I'm usually quite stringent about grammar usage and spelling. I correct my friends when they're talking and typing, just because that sort of stuff gets to me. But I have no idea how to use semi-colons, those things confuse me.

Oh good, I've got a style. What defines a person's style anyway?

Qweeg
14-01-2003, 10:21:36
The things you do distinctively I guess. My comment on spelling wasn't specific- I didn't notice bad spelling in your work, actually I was being 'cute'. It is annoying when Word allows the wrong but correct spelling of a word, not even green-lining it. These details are ultimately not the stuff of any story, they can be corrected, but if your stories crap- then its crap- which yours is not.