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Qweeg
05-12-2001, 13:46:55
Well i posted it. This would be a good place to write any opinions you may have- of... er, it.

Funkodrom
05-12-2001, 14:06:35
I have read One so far.

It needs some editing. Found myself getting a bit distracted by some grammatical problems.

I like that it's written in the first person about someone with, so far, no redeeming qualities. Just a matter of factly bad person. He doesn't care or really think he's bad, he's just doing his job. Also like the realistic use of technology. really grates with me when I see technology used badly by authors.

It's grabbed my attention, I want to find out what the guys are covering up and where Raccini came from, what he's doing, what the Outpost is and what SMST is.

Qweeg
05-12-2001, 14:24:57
Thanks Mike, yup- those grammatical errors'll get me every time. I usually don't spot em till at least everybody i made read the thing has read it so...

Great then:) i'm very glad the attention seeking 'plot'seems to be working so far.

Funkodrom
05-12-2001, 14:33:23
Read 2 now.

Didn't really notice any errors in this bit, perhaps because I was getting more used to them. :D I love this kind of shadowy conspiracy thing looking forward to the next part.

Guy
05-12-2001, 17:33:24
Noisy'll have a conniption when he reads this, but I like it! I like the way everything is introduced de facto, without any exposition, it draws you along quite nicely if for no other reason than to find out what all the abbreviations stand for. I like the clear, business-like prose style that you have and Mike's right, it's fun to be inside the head of a bad yet human character.

I'm ready for more!

Noisy
05-12-2001, 22:19:59
Originally posted by Guy
Noisy'll have a conniption when he reads this ...
<snip>

Too true, mate.

:mad: :clueless: (* Pulls hair out and runs around in small circles *)

Qweeg: If you want it editing, just let me know.

Qweeg
06-12-2001, 13:35:31
yes well great, good to know that my spelling anyway is worth talking about, next time maybe i'll just write my version of a thesaurus dictionary,

Fuk U Ven,

Did you get that one? or does the spelling completely obscure the point.

Funkodrom
06-12-2001, 14:14:49
No, but it can be distracting and spoil the flow of your reading when you notice an error. Well it is for me anyway.

Qweeg
06-12-2001, 14:23:24
*comes back after long sulk, but is quite amused by the play on words and thus decides to let the last post lie*

Fact is Noismaker, if only the spelling caught your attention then i have failed.

Go on then, knock y'self out and paint the thing in red marker pen, somebodies gotta do it i spose, there is the proffesion called 'Proof Reading' after all.

Funkodrom
06-12-2001, 14:25:34
Profession. *duck*

Qweeg
06-12-2001, 14:28:51
WHY YOU LITTLE:mad:!!!!$%^&(*"&$(%%!!:mad::mad:

Funkodrom
06-12-2001, 14:49:56
Glad I ducked then. ;)

Guy
07-12-2001, 15:36:13
As Qweeg shows once again that when the word "genius" is used, the word "unstable" can't be too far behind.

Noisy
09-12-2001, 18:07:30
Qweegy-boy. Keep your pants on! :o

I think I only spotted one spelling mistake on my first read, but some of the grammatical constructions had me going. As Mike "Mr. Conciliator" H said, the style is fine, but having to stop to figure out why something doesn't look quite right breaks up a story that otherwise flows well. I like the way that the sentences are kept short - that really gives it a punchy feel.

Qweeg
10-12-2001, 13:48:23
If its the gramma then yeah, some of the characters speak with a kind of accent, its a word order that suits a language other then english

"becous also Meestir Noisy i must to how you say--- keeeeeeeel you! ."

kind of thing, that and sometimes I like to add impact to a line by using a kind of 'style of clunkyness'. I don't know where i got this 'clunkyness' from but i like it, and it is important to me for you guys to get that when reading this stuff. Having reread the text myself i'm now not sure whether the clunky gramma is coming over as a 'style' or being confused with poor writing on my part... do you know what i mean? if so... does it?

Guy, who you callin a genius:mad:! oh no wait- thats good... (fonely twer true).

Guy, who you callin unstable:mad:!?

Guy
10-12-2001, 17:56:30
What can I say, Qweeg, all my compliments are backhanded, that's why I overstate the good halves.;)

As for your grammatical style, I think it works fine. It can be disruptive, but yours isn't that bad. And anything between a pair of quotes is fair game, as far as I'm concerned: characters can speak however you want, it doesn't faze me at all. I like idioms in speech, it makes it more real.

Does your style work? I think so, because it's got me interested and I want to see more. The errors are noticable, but not to the point where it was painful to read. There are a lot of nice touches (grammatical idiosyncracies included) that makes it feel very grounded and realistic. I especially liked the way the main character didn't get much of the humor put forth by his colleagues, it's a nice way of having your cake and eating it too.

In short, don't sweat it and keep doing what you're doing. The other stuff is what editors are for.


Now quit throwing rocks at my window, it annoys the cat.

Funkodrom
10-12-2001, 19:01:38
Yeah, there are a couple of things I'd change but I like the style of it, hell I always gramatical errors to be making.

Mostly what you are writing comes across as your own style and that's good, certainly wouldn't criticise that. Maybe an example?

The first thing that I noticed was:

"Coegan had been careful to park two buildings along the street to avoid the obviousness of our destination"

I understand what you are trying to do with that I think, trying to avoid cliches and predictable language. I don't think this sentence really works. What you are trying to say is "to avoid giving away our destination" or "to avoid making our destination obvious." but that sentence doesn't mean either of those, it doesn't really mean anything. When I read it it brought me to a halt for a second whilst I tried to work out what you really meant.

Qweeg
11-12-2001, 13:48:02
Guy! >tink<

Guuuuy! >tlink< >clink<

Oh- GUUUYYY!!!!!! >Cra-Smash!<


oops, er.... nuthin:nervous:


Mike, yeah i see what you mean... with that example it really never occured to me that sentence even seemed strange! rereading it now i'd definately change that line (that and a little paragraph i should have removed coz i think it muddles the readers 'story-world' view, but forgot).

Now i've reached a stage in the story where i'm a lil'stuck, trying to work out how to move to the next stage. All i know now is how i want the story to end- but how to get there? >shrugs<

Better say this in case something got lost in the typing up there;
Despite shouting at Noisy i am not averse to critisism of my, er... 'work', far from it, i already know i'm a little 'textlexic' shall we say (no i have no real excuse like dyslexia, i'm just abit lazy)
i require new and interesting criticisms that are fresh and new to keep me going, but i wasn't actually pissed with Noisy, (a smidgeon peeved maybe) i just enjoyed the opportunity to write 'Fuk U Ven' in that context, so much so in fact i just did it again:D

its the Irony of it you see- the shere beutiful Irony!

Anyway, please keep an eye out for when i figure out and post the next parts of story so you can say precious-feedback stuff about it some more.

Funkodrom
11-12-2001, 14:22:11
"Now i've reached a stage in the story where i'm a lil'stuck, trying to work out how to move to the next stage. All i know now is how i want the story to end- but how to get there? >shrugs< "

It doesn't seem to me that there is a quick ending to this.

Guy
11-12-2001, 14:46:42
No, I would see this, in fact I want it to, take quite awhile to work itself to a conclusion. A simple mystery isn't much of a mystery and the more layered a conspiracy is, the better I like it.

I run into the same problem quite a bit, though. There are lots of stories that I know the beginnings and ends to down to the n-th detail but have absolutely no idea how to get from one to the other. Most of my stories are in fact written from both ends towards the middle, which is why I get so frustrated when my characters go a different way. I'm having that problem with the one I'm writing right now, I know where it's going but not how to get there. I'll probably post what I've got so far sometime this week or next to see if it's worth trying to figure out.

Qweeg
12-12-2001, 13:22:50
Nice one Guy, there's not enough a story posting going on here yet:)

This story will have to go through some serious contortions before it finnaly arrives home, thats for sure- so i will continue to try an get it there with minimal spinal injury.