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View Full Version : My name is Qweeg.... and this is my story.


Qweeg
13-06-2002, 17:16:09
I'm thinking to call it.............

In the shadow of Tor (http://www.counterglow.net/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=5099)

Notice how I didn't childishly spell the word 'story' with a 'w' in a perfetic attempt to pre-empt any condescending comments this time.

I plead guilty to the charge of seriously actually writing this thing, and stand ready to accept the consequences fully.

ps- its quite long (And I've said that Before! AHAHAHAHAHA!) and if your name is Noisy- there are only ashes and woe here, go away.

Funkodrom
14-06-2002, 08:22:15
It is quite long... I'll read through it properly when I have time to give you decent feedback.

King_Ghidra
14-06-2002, 08:35:26
Really good. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Frankly with some proofreading i don't see why that shouldn't be published somehwere. You should try pimping it around Qweeg, i think you'd find it would be picked up.

Well done!

Qweeg
14-06-2002, 12:56:43
Thanks Ghid:) now that's the kinda reply that makes it all worth while to spread my ego across the net!

*resisting temptation to ask for detailed feedback*

Venom
14-06-2002, 13:37:05
INCOMING CONDESCENDING COMMENT!!!!

Qweeg, you suck and so does your typing.

Drekkus
14-06-2002, 13:48:20
"They were cresting the hill now, the horizon of the monotone dusty grey slope ahead of them drawing closer with the gentle parabolic motion that accompanied the soft beating of the animals feet."

Very elekwent. Maybe I should read more. :)

Drekkus
14-06-2002, 13:49:14
fucking hell. I just browsed down.

ARE YOU INSANE?????

Qweeg
14-06-2002, 14:17:58
Well it didn't take me just yesterday afternoon if thats what ya mean Drek:) its just that I only recently thought- what the hey, dump it on the net (That was after I read Venoms expressed desire that "this damn story never sees the light of day":D )

And don't you dare go there about my spillinge you lil... I word-ified the whole thing damnit! untill only the pretty green underlines were left. Rereading the whole thing though- Ghids point about the proof readings well taken.

Hey what do'ya think of the fancy title? huh:)? yeah... no expences spared!

Noisy
14-06-2002, 16:22:47
:p

Noisy
14-06-2002, 16:24:44
Had to re-load the printer twice!

Lady_of_Chicken
14-06-2002, 19:16:49
Sorry Qweeg! Didn't mean to post in your story thread.

Want my feedback? Is it okay via email?

Guy
14-06-2002, 20:22:21
Goddamn, Qweeg.

I'm about two thirds through so far, going to have to print it out to read the rest, my eyes are going crossed trying to read on a screen.

Thus far, impressions are very, very good. You already know about the proof-reading, so I won't belabor that. There are some awkward phrases here and there but for the most part this is great stuff! I got lost in some of the political background, but then I'm trying to read fast between other things here at work. The concept is great, the presentation is good, I like the characters, the pacing seems right, there's a lot to draw you into the story. Well done!

I'll add comments after I've finished reading, but so far I agree with King_Ghidra: this is as good if not better (grammatical mechanics aside) as most stuff out there, if you can finish it, you can get this published.

Qweeg
15-06-2002, 12:02:03
Doh! I just noticed I could have attached it as a file after all, and didn't have to chop the thing up- oh well, didn't see the attacha-browser coz its so damn dark in here these days... i- is that you Guy...

Its weird, when I read my own stuff it alternates between flakey and fantastic depending on whether I have intoxicated myself or not . I do most of the writing under the influence of mildly hallucinagenic herbs and tobacco long into the early hours of the next day, puts me in that writing frame of mind I find, though I'm sure you couldn't tell.

Guy, LoC, and dare I say it- Noisy....;) I eagerly await your observations.

-the five triads... um

Noisy
16-06-2002, 08:40:15
Bastard!

Send me the file now so that I can proof read it.

-- I figure - if I can get myself established as the proof reader, then I get to see the next bits the soonest. --

Nav
16-06-2002, 10:03:43
Excellent!

this wants to be published now on the front of the site.

-- I figure - if I can get myself established as the publisher, then I get to see the next bits the soonest. --

;)

Noisy
18-06-2002, 07:14:16
More! Now! Give!

Guy
18-06-2002, 17:07:13
Awrighty, read it through twice, once just for enjoyment purposes and again to turn a more critical eye towards it. First off, I think that all the big things you've nailed pretty well. The only complaints I could come up with were fairly minor.

The good:

I liked the characters, Lam is impulsive and spoiled, Raal seems to have some ulterior motives, Alys is a mystery, and whoever it is in the last bit promises lots (I'm thinking that it's Alys's memory we're seeing, but will wait and see). It's a bit too early in the story to be looking for anything too deep in this bunch, but what we've seen so far has lots of promise.

The setting is awesome. You did a very good job of evoking a sense of place and of giving it some real bite. The idea of a terraformed moon is fun and your descriptions of the day/night/twilight cycles and auroras are both poetic and nicely different from most sci-fi fare (planets whose only difference from earth are the number of moons they have). You also do a good job of hinting at the history of the place, so that we feel a nice solid structure beneath what we're seeing.

The language is very cool. All the throwaway terminology you've put into this (alterflora, skyler, Si, Plastiks, etc.) is great for setting the atmosphere and giving the reader lots to chew on and wonder about while things develop. I don't know how much time you spent coming up with it all, but it feels like a lot, which is good because it gives the feeling that you've got everything well mapped out in your head whether we get to see it all or not.

The bad:

Like I said, not too much to complain about here. My main problem came in Raal tat Huep's section where the political situation was described. I had to re-read it a few times and it still hasn't quite gelled yet. At the beginning, it sounds like we're on the verge of a massive alliance being formed with all that's lacking being a few formalities. Two paragraphs later, though, it sounds as though the various states are at the brink of war. And I was never clear on who the Union was or who Towers belonged to or whether the Domain was orbital or planet based or both (they're called the "orbital society" at one point, but then reference is made to the northern hemisphere). It's entirely possible that the fault lies with me and that I'm just not getting it, but it seems to me this section could be a little clearer. Everything else in the story is very well presented and easy to grasp, just this bit about who the political players are and where they all stand was blurry to me.

The only other complaint that I could come up with is that the description is a little skewed toward the mechanical. I could probably draw you a blueprint of the elevators and a UTV from your descriptions, but I don't have a clear image of what an osmec looks like. This is really minor, though, and more of a nitpick than an actual complaint.

That's it, hope it's helpful, and now I'll just add my voice to those clamoring for MORE, DAMMIT!:)

Qweeg
19-06-2002, 13:00:18
Ohhh *claps hands rapidly* I'm so pleased!

I think the parts about the political situation was weak too, and I'll try an clear it up, some of the confusion you have about the politics is actually intentional- I'm trying to reflect a messy situation saturated with divergent interests but still- its not confused in the way I was intending.

With the osmecs- well, being essentially a lazy person, I like to give the imagination of the reader free reign where the story-concept allows, therefore the only requirement for the way you visualize an osmec is that it have a long tail and the two-legged reverse-kneed bodyshape of a bird or dinosaur. and a long neck and pointy head.

With the feedback thats come in I'll probably tidy up what I've written so far- and then start with the next bits.

I'm really looking forward to showing what happens next and really appreciate the encouragements and scooby-snacks:)

-of course, being essentially an insecure person I believe you're all just humouring me;)

DaShi
19-06-2002, 13:28:31
Damn! I got it all wrong. I imagined the osmecs as donkeys. :mad:

Qweeg
19-06-2002, 13:37:36
Ah- perhaps I will review that bit after all.
"doh", may I add.

King_Ghidra
19-06-2002, 13:52:23
Originally posted by DaShi
Damn! I got it all wrong. I imagined the osmecs as donkeys. :mad:

then you have your own problems to sort out

Funkodrom
19-06-2002, 14:13:48
I printed it out, nearly broke the BIG stapler sticking it all together, I'll read it as soon as I get time.

Qweeg
19-06-2002, 14:37:49
Originally posted by Lady_of_Chicken
Sorry Qweeg! Didn't mean to post in your story thread.

Want my feedback? Is it okay via email?

did you get my PM?

Guy
19-06-2002, 15:56:53
Originally posted by DaShi
Damn! I got it all wrong. I imagined the osmecs as donkeys.

The first time I read it, I thought they were birds, the second time I decided they were actually long tailed camel-things. Now that I see what I was supposed to be imagining, I've given up and replaced them all with Pokemon.:p

Funkodrom
20-06-2002, 08:16:50
Just read the first few pages and I imagine the Osmecs are crosses between Taun Tauns and Velocirapters.

Qweeg
20-06-2002, 12:39:58
I knew I shoulda just said 'horses', but no... I just had to be diff erent.

Nav
20-06-2002, 12:53:16
Yep I always thought they were horses! :nervous:

Funkodrom
20-06-2002, 12:57:27
I just read the thread and it looks like I was kinda right. It was the bit about sitting like birds and the tails resting on the ground that gave me that impression.

DaShi
20-06-2002, 14:34:06
I just read the first few paragraphs. Over the next year, I should finish it.

Funkodrom
03-07-2002, 10:07:01
I forgot to post my comments.

Finished it. Enjoyed it. Wondering whether little girl is Alys, that could be too obvious. Want to know what happens next.

Only bad bit was the political bit, didn't really understand all that was going on there. Perhaps it'll become clearer later.

Qweeg
03-07-2002, 13:48:32
Thanks Funko, point taken about the political bit- to be honest their is additional... 'plot-engineering' to be done;)

Currently re-editing, but slowly.

Qweeg
05-09-2002, 14:02:34
Update.

I recently lost a whole bunch of stuff that I'd written for this Tor story, and had been looking forward to posting for feedback (thank you very much stupid lousy Linux system that I had to stupid lousy re-partition with all those music and text files left un-extracted)

Now I am starting from where I left off all over again- from what you have read already, but seeing as how the plot has been re-engineered, what you have read so far is now incorrect anyway (the political mess has been totally re-thought, not that you'd notice coz it wasn't a very clear mess in the first place).

I'll post a piece of the new stuff soon, though it'll be extracts from later on in the story.

Guy
05-09-2002, 15:58:36
Cool. :)

Noisy
05-09-2002, 19:30:41
Sorry to hear that you weren't able to execute a recovery.

Guy
05-09-2002, 20:01:03
Addendum:

Cool that we'll be seeing new stuff soon, not cool that your computer ate the story.

On the other hand, re-writting from scratch is a good editing tool, generally you end up with a much tighter piece in the end. Your mind is locked onto the important bits and, as you've already struggled through it once already, you focus on the story rather than the words in the re-write. Well, I do, anyway.

mumin
05-09-2002, 20:21:33
Strange. The few times I had to re-write anything I thought it kinda sucked in comparison to the first version. Perhaps that's an oberver effect.

Qweeg
06-09-2002, 13:22:07
I agree with you Guy, once I stopped whincing everytime I remembered a bit of what I had written that I really liked- I realized that now, knowing what I have to put down again, it's like applying a blast of WD40 to the ol' noggin, write-wise anyway. Of course some stuff might get lost, and not quite get re-done exactly the way it worked first time round.

Introduction

I've decided to put this bit on this thread becouse its a fragment from the story, and alot of stuff that happened between this bit that follows, and the last bit you read- got lost in the crash. I just wanted to post this lot before it too gets lost, never to see the light of day. As I said, the plots been changed a little- but you should be able to understand what's going on here, it should make sense by itself

I'd appreciate any feedback to know exactly how clear the situation is.

PS Management: it really sucks how we can't just attache word documents, and how even text files bigger then the upper case letter A are too damn big to post, it makes the attachment feature pretty useless actually, I think anyway- cept for little avatar pictures maybe.

cheers.

Qweeg
06-09-2002, 16:30:10
The Red District

Hundreds of them filled the sky, hovering over the monolithic grey terraced towers of the hab complex like a swarm, the sound of their beating wings a constant thrum discernable through the hollow roar of the airwagons vtol engines, they hovered amongst the rooftops and antennas above the street. Up close their similarity to wasps was unchanged, except for their dull brown colour, their sense and control unit housed between two high-frequency plasto-muscular packs to which were attached broad thin paddle-shaped wings, and behind which hung the long abdomen of the drones power unit.

Lam admired the hundreds of surveillance drones as he and the others ran across the plascrete rooftop beneath the airwagon. More militiamen poured from its open sides, and the long black guns that swung beneath the doorways and nose like bulky metallic limbs gave them cover. Other airwagons, and the darker, sleeker silhouettes of gunships, hovered above the cityscape up there. They were like fat queens, flying above the legions of hovering drones that tended to the towers and ziggurats of the city as if they were the structure of some giant plascrete honeycomb, spread beneath the bright pale sunlit sky.

Torrore Huegal was calling orders to the militiamen who now, keen eyed and with weapons raised, were securing the periphery of the landing zone, looking over the edge of the buildings walls and down into the chasm of the habitation-blocks open spaces. Walkways along the walls of the front of each floor formed balconies, behind, which were, lined the regimented entrances of the hab-units themselves. The whole structure was cast in the pale beige of cheap dust based plascrete.

The team had distributed themselves across the roof, and the dark metallic airwagon that had bought them from Elisbelt/Norte began to ascend, across the drops that surrounded the wide flat space, the other four blocks of the hab-complex could clearly be seen, in the middle of each stood the low square building of the access sheds, and above other choppers were now lifting off, having unloaded their teams of militias they would now thunder back across the Red District to collect more.

Hebel and Hafai had remained close to Lam and the Boss Huegal throughout the landing, and they crouched now- loosely surrounded by most of the rest of the thirty-man team not on periphery. Torrore took his command icom from its holster and projected a wire frame hologram of the building below onto the ground. "You know the scheme- " began the boss as the captains gathered round "we go floor by floor, Heske, Alaban- I want you to take your groups and secure the stairwells and periphs, Oedonal- Farrindon, you'll take floor by floor north and south side respectively. Helen, your squad's up here for support. Lam, Heb, Haf, you're with me and Troziki" The party broke up, there were no questions, the scheme indeed was well known. They would descend their quadrant like all the other teams in all the other quadrants, and of all the other high-density hab-complex's in the maze-like canyons of the Red District. Floor by floor, they would evict all they encountered until they reached street level and joined with the other militiamen, as well as RPF squads waiting to contain the evictees and supporting REC armoured units. Then, they would secure their building while squads descended into the subterranean levels.

"Remember," reminded Troziki "any suspected Brigade assets are to be brought to my attention, understood?" They said they understood. Troziki was MOS, and unlike the militiamen- wore no pale yellow flack-jacket over his fatigues, although like everyone but Torrore, he held an RFL57. Led by Keske and Alaban, the squads of five approached the access-shed, they found the door unlocked, and trotted into the building in single-file, careful not to glut themselves in the relatively small access building. Lam and Helen's squad remained while they waited for Heske and Alaban
to report on the lower floors. Some of the drones across the city were equipped with audio-field projectors, and were playing messages into the streets and alleyways below them.

'This area is prohibited; this area is no longer subject to the Emergency Asylum Convention of Terra 2387. You are here by ordered by the State of Tor Federal Authorities to vacate this area immediately. Notice has been given, notice of intention to evict was posted TD 305.12.17- We and the agencies assisting us, have the authority to use force to ensure that you vacate the area immediately, please be co-operative and vacate the area immediately, facilities have been arranged to ensure your welfare, this area is prohibited-'

The message then repeated itself.

The Lams group trotted to the edge of the building to look down at the floors below. Lam used his weapons scope, sighting along its barrel to the balconies of a neighbouring block, he grunted at what he saw.

On various parts of the balconies, hung the banners and flags of the Brigades, and the affiliation sigils of various Starchilde societies. Painted on walls, and down the large flat sides of the buildings were large murals and jagged graffiti featuring more of the same, some of them (depictions of weapons, or heroic men and women bearing weapons, or marshal-logo's incorporating weapons) were quite artistic, although unashamedly steeped in 'Junkwave' ideology and the designs of fiery extremism.

The Eviction, planned with the involvement of so many TMF militia units, had caused the majority of the population of the Red District to leave in fear beforehand. In the weeks leading up to the operation as the medias became flooded with speculation and rumour over the new administrations intentions towards the district, more and more of them had flooded the streets and walkways of the pedestrianised area, carrying their meagre possessions with them and heading to the demarcation fence, where they would be sorted at checkpoints and eventually bussed out of the area, although some would be spirited away immediately in black government cars with black windows, most of them- especially the mothers, children and the old people, would be taken to the new internment camps west of the Elisbelt/Norte situation-base. Unfortunately that meant that most of what remained were what MOS intelligence officers had been referring to as 'the hardcores', and their chosen form of decoration had been a feature of the Red District and its lawlessness for years. Lam read the banners and murals of red, black, gold and green as they fluttered in the gentle breeze.

Qweeg
06-09-2002, 16:31:34
"'Guild of Deputies 101st, Remember Gurhegaz'" commanded the angry red letters on one black banner.

"'12/17, Bundy's Grim Survivors Don't Die But Multiply'" painted in giant black Times New Roman on the forehead of a stylised skull surrounded by yellow flames.

"'Cleaver Gang Politicoz Brigade/Hail to the Forty Thieves Brigade/Guild of Vengeance Brigade, NRNS 4EVR U FUCKRZ!'" said Lam, reading the red letters bordering one rectangular green field with a firmly clenched red-fist logo in the
middle. "NRNS... hmm, is that some new lot? I've never heard of the NRNS before." "No Retreat No Surrender" informed Boss Torrore beside him, surveying the balconies through his sight-recticle, a plastec arm that reached forward from his earpiece, presenting an enhanced image through the recticles lens. Militiamen began to pour out of one of the hallways leading from the opposite buildings stairwells, and they started to bang on doors, and then break down doors. After only a few screams and shouted orders, groups of defeated looking people (many with shaggy hair and wearing scruffy clothing) were soon being led out in groups, their hands on their heads they were escorted to the stairways. "These people really need to get over whatever's up their asses," said Lam. "Looks like Eugenes team is getting on with it" said Torrore distractedly, still scanning the other block.
"I don't like this," muttered Hebel "there's way too much potential for surprises, those bastards are waiting for us, everything's too quiet." Comms chatter from the teams was streaming into all their headsets, as they crouched by the walls and surveyed the scene. Three of the wasp-like drones the REC was using to provide field-intelligence were descending into the cross-shaped chasm between the four quadrants of the complex. Torrore shone feed from his command-icom against a wall as it was streamed in from the nearby drones (beamed of course via operations control, the REC/Command Class Gravcruiser Supremacist, out in the Freedom State) so that they could all see what the drones saw. The Boss switched from one drone to another, until they were looking at the balconies and walkways of their own building, thermal overlays highlighting un-stealthed bodies, and green overlays representing Boss Torrore's militiamen as they began to secure and clear the first floor.

Things proceeded according to plan as the militiamen made their way downwards, floor by floor- clearing the forty apartments of each of dozens of squatters that had refused to leave even when the sirens had wailed for hours over the seemingly
abandoned city that morning. They were however, as far as Lam could see from the stream of reports, feeds and checks coming in from the squads and drones- groups of juveniles throwing rocks and molotovs- defiant and rebellious until the militiamen chased them and caught them and beat them up a bit at gun-point and ordered them out, and a few huddled families and groups of apparently orphan children and a few lone elderly tramps. The feral people barricaded themselves in the old apartments and hallways, Lams squad moved down to the lower floors and found the hallways filled with trash and graffiti and the smell of urine, and smashed panels containing ripped cabling, inside the apartment themselves tended to be similar, with the inclusion of old and broken furniture, empty holo-screen mountings, bottles, cans, food-packs and other detritus.

"These people live like animals," said Lam in wonder, as they made their way to one of the buildings control rooms, apartment 39 on its seventh floor. "They are animals" said Torrore uncompromisingly, finding time to reply now that the task was in full swing, he continued "they don't belong here, on our world, we paid and worked to create this place, this scum get flung here from earth uninvited and think they can sit in our city and flick us the finger" he was talking with a smug smile on his face, deeply satisfied as they watched yet another set of squatters, two women and a man- being led away along the walkway by some of Oedonals men. "By the end of the day- there'll be bulldozers," joked Hafai quietly. Troziki, who had his own command-icom, was shinning feed directly into his cornea, (as was his secretive habit) seeming to stare at a crystal button at the end of the pen-like device, he said "don't all lets start giving each other blowjobs just yet-" "I never intended to-" began Lam.
"So far I'm seeing non of the things we expected to find here, weapons dumps, bomb-factories, hack-labs, there's not even anything significant from the Blis industry, you know how much Blis is being smuggled out of here from somewhere every year now Lam?" demanded Troziki, becoming passionate about his subject "fifty kilos, Lam, fifty fucking kilos- poisoning the nation and feeding them money. We have to hurt these bastards today, Boss Huegal, the word is out, the most finds of Brigade assets will certainly be smiled upon by my office." He let his icom retract back into his sleeve as they came to the control room. The door had been ripped off long ago, and inside the room was gutted, the console smashed, the walls stained with an unpleasant looking brown substance. They didn't bother to look further.

As they made their way back along the walkway, this time to help the other squads as they continued their eviction, Lam heard a scuffle in one of the apartments they passed. He stopped and looked, Hebel and Hafai and the rest walked on, Lam entered the apartment. It consisted of a hallway leading in past a small cubicle of a kitchen, and three small rooms and a washroom, a larger room at the end with a square window too dirty to see through. The whole apartment was as run down as the rest, but had been kept habitable, a small generator was in on of the rooms since utilities supply had been cut to the district three years previously, when the Emergency Asylum Convention had been discontinued by the newly formed Torian government. The sounds of struggling was coming from the larger room, and was now joined by the sounds of a woman's voice raised in distress. Lam entered, and found two of Oedonals men struggling with a woman, one of them on top of her and the other holding her down against the bare mattress on the floor. They looked up. Heh, you want some of this rich-boy," said one of them with a jagged smile, breathing hard. He got up, protectively grasping his member, said "she looks tight but... not for long" he winked. Lam shivered slightly, and almost heaved in the mans face, the disgust hit him like a fist in the gut, and an overwhelming sense of disappointment, and rage, and self-disgust at the hint of primal arousal he felt at the suggestion. He wanted to get out of there, he looked down at the woman- girl, he corrected, was about to say something- there was a white flash.

Qweeg
06-09-2002, 16:32:04
An almighty bang filled the world, the building shook, the ground rumbled, Lam and the rapist fell to the ground, covering their heads with their arms, the girls screamed and sobbed, but the sobs were lost in another explosive crack and then a profound rumble from outside, the building shook again. "What the fuck was that!" shouted somebody on the command-stream in Lams earpiece, possibly Torrore, but possibly one of the other bosses. The two rapists scrambled from the room, and Lam was left staring at the girl, who had now drawn herself up into a ball against one grimy wall. "Somebody bombed quadrant three, the other building, lookit!" replied Farrindon. Lam flicked his earpiece's sight-recticle in front of his eye, and let it shine the image of the upper floors of the building opposite, an expanding cloud of dust and smoke billowing around the corner of one end. The link his earpiece was connected to was showing them all what Farrindon was seeing, when Torrore cut in on the team link "All, I want defensive profile at this time, secure and present at floor seven, Now! Repeat, defensive profile- heads down stay alert!" Lam had got up to a crouch, gently reaching for the girl "I... I'm not going to hurt you I... I'm sorry, did they- are you alrigh-" "Lam!" Hafai had burst into the room behind him, RFL57 bared, he glanced at the girl and dismissed her, grabbing Lam by the shoulder and pulling him up "What the fuck are you doing- you trying to give me heart attack" he demanded angrily, before dragging him out of the apartment. "But the girl..." started Lam
"You can have your fun later Lamberf, the bastards just hit Magnaz's team" said Hafai sharply, his voice louder then usual as they rushed along the walkway, crouching low behind it.
"They were going to rape her you fuck! I don't want to have fun with her!" Lams outburst was outraged. Hafai may have ignored him, it was hard to tell, as that was when the arches started to flash across the sky, jagged blue streaks that snapped and stabbed at the hundreds of drones above not just the hab-complex but across the horizon of buildings, and leaving small smoking black objects to tumble from the clear blue air. The drones were being fried, Lam and Hafai looked around, trying to find the source of the flashes. "They've got tezla-canon," grumbled Hafai. Lam was breathing hard, still furious and off-balance. Tezla-canons were a form of air-defence that was highly effective against the synth-muscular bodies of the surveillance drones, against any other aircraft they were useless, humans had been making aircraft to bear lightening for decades, but tezla-canons, using lasers to direct their arches- hadn't been expected to be in the arsenal of the Brigades, indeed they had never been used beyond Terra. "Whoever's got tezla-cannon has got more then one," somebody said over the stream in Lams ear.

They were running towards Hebel at the buildings middle junction now, a small grassy area in front of a group of shop-fronts that bordered the stairways and elevator lobby. They got down under cover of plascrete corners, finding Torrore and Troziki and Helens team crouching cautious and alert as they all looked over corners towards the opposite building. Out of site, a strange thrashing sound shivered loudly, like an industrial sandblaster, before cutting out sharply, and then came whooshing sounds, terminated by explosions. The other squads ran into view and took up defensive positions around the mid-section and behind the walls further along the walkway. Lam was very exited, his breath was ragged from the sprint, and the air was full of the smell of explosives and dust from the now gaping dusty hole that had been apartments in the opposite building. They saw a few dark figures moving along the balcony of the damaged building, they were wearing pale-yellow tunics, and pointing their weapons towards an unseen enemy higher up in the building beside them. Sharp cracking sounds reverberated in the air, corresponding to the figures running and pointing their guns, and falling back and seeking cover, and moving forward again and finding cover. Little puffs of dust were coughing out of the walls near the fighting militiamen, and as the gun-battle intensified it soon became clear the other militiamen were pinned down. "Helen, Farrindon- provide assistance" "Am so" responded Farrindon shortly, out off site and clearly engaged in the exchange. "Yes Boss" responded Helen shortly, waving her team to attack, from their positions behind the walkway wall.

The battle raged, two gunships roared by overhead, more whooshing sounds in sync with the streaks of white vapour that shot from the aircrafts sides and thundered into the side of the building from where the Brigades gunmen were attacking. An almighty series of explosions and four or five columns of black smoke obscured the sky. The tezla-cannon lightning was intermittent now, but looking around, Lam reckoned they'd probably done their job, the sky no longer held quite so many drones, and it would take hours to replenish them, the enemy wanted to degrade the RECs tactical surveillance power. Gunships and airwagons still populated the sky in their tens, and many of them were firing down into the city. "Looks like it's started for real now" said Hebel. Stream was coming in from a media reporter on the other side of the hab-complex at street-level, Lam watched through his recticle as the woman's narrative ran over the scene of a hulking grey REC Citi-Tank, RPF HEPP-Commandoes milling around looking agitated and aggressive, waving the cam-wearer away from the view and hefting their guns, while in the background, columns of dusty smoke rose from amongst the apartment blocks

'-early this morning, the state authorities composed of the Regional Police Force, Regime Executive Command armour and Territorial Militia units and un-marked individuals believed to be from the Ministry of Security, began their eviction operation in the long out-lawed Red District, and this- as feared by critics of the new administrations policies, is the result. Military chiefs say Freedom Brigade strong-holds dotted throughout the area are mounting violent resistance to state agencies, and that the gun-battles now raging in several areas of the district are expected to dissipate shortly-'

Qweeg
06-09-2002, 16:32:39
Lam flipped the link as a command-alert signal beeped in his ear "Oedonal, Heske, Alaban, secure lower building. Boss's squad in support" said Boss Huegal. Lam, the Uncles and Torrore and Ian Troziki moved out- shadowing the teams as they checked and cleared the lower floors of the building. By the time they had got to ground level- the gun-battles had petered out, now only a few sporadic bursts of small arms fire, stream informing him that so far the remains of nine Brigade terrorists and two militiamen were dead, five wounded.

Lam thought back to their time at the Elisbelt/Norte base. For the two days after they had arrived at the base in the big, blue buses the TMF was using to collect those to be involved in the operation, Hebel and Hafai had done a lot of greeting of men and women that Lam had never met like old friends, talking loudly and spending way too much time drinking beer in the Sparbax Bar, talking loudly about old times, and singing course 3rd-Waver songs and introducing Lam to large scarred and tattooed men, who were also affiliated with the Areni chapters of the Territorial Militia Faction and seemed to know more about the Uncles past then Lam did. Lam recalled the flags some militiamen had bought to the event, the Torian flag of white, blue and green horizontal bands with the red circle and semi-circle bulls-head logo of the Tor state, and the indigo blue field featuring a red square and the number '60' that was the flag of the Territorial Militia's 'The Sixty' chapter. He thought back to the group image that had been taken, him and the Uncles and Boss Torrore Huegal (who he'd been introduced to by then) and the others, comrades raising pints and edges and corners of the flags in patriotic pride, broad smiles on their faces, in the middle of a wide expanse of flat plascrete, and distant aircraft, jeeps, technicians and engineers, and ware-houses and pre-flight equipment and security fences, all the other paraphernalia of a busy airbase. The 'Enterprise' Lam had thought then, the good old boys of Old Tor, 3rd and 4th Wavers joining with their government to take hostages of order and decency back from the Fallouter-trash, and un-hijack the hijacked Red District.

How different things seemed now, the face of the girl who'd almost been raped still clear in his mind, mixed with the fierce sense of loyalty for his fellow militiamen being shot at by the unseen cowardly scum who would rather kill then obey the law. He hated the loss of his sense of righteousness now, hated Oedonals rapists from taking away his clear-cut appreciation of the situation- and Hafai's lack of concern for the heinous crimes their comrades were committing. He had not seen the men since, but as they continued the operation- he began to notice more the viciousness with which the militiamen were beating the few unlucky squatters they discovered now, and started to feel uneasy foreboding when he saw another group, five women and three boys, all being led down from an upper floor that Lam was sure had already been cleared, the squatters looking beaten and abused, the militiamen looking gloating and lecherous. Then he saw the executions, along the lower walkways, men and women and two of the boys he'd seen before were made to kneel, and summarily executed with RFL57s by Alabans squad, their bodies left like discarded bundles of rags, dark red puddles of blood spreading from their heads.

"Boss Huegal" said Lam to Boss Torrore Huegal, as their squad oversaw the clearances "I think some of our men are... taking liberties, with the squatters I mean..." he found it difficult to speak on, not liking the way he sounded as if he was
defending the squatters "That's what we're here for Boss Aqtain," replied Boss Huegal, most of his mind on watching proceedings "These bastards must be made to understand their status when they put themselves outside of our laws"
"But perhaps... I mean, we shouldn't let the men rape anyone... this is.... unseemly..." persisted Lam; unconsciously using the language his father spoke so effectively with. Boss Aqtain looked at Lam for a moment, and then glanced at Hebel and Hafai, who shrugged and half-smiled from their positions by the balcony wall looking, down at the street where their militiamen were herding a few squatters with rifle-butts, swung boots and harsh commands. "Boss Aqtain, surely the son of a man of your fathers status and capabilities, will understand that human rights are a precious commodity, guaranteed to the citizens of Tor, which these people are not- Don't concern yourself with the fate of these scum, who have been abusing the hospitality of our humble new nation for over twenty years, murdering, marauding and terrorizing farmers, landowners, terraformers and mine-crews across North Coast and Areni, save your concern for our own people." "But surely there is no need for us to execute anybody.." started Lam. Torrore Huegal exploded in temper "Those scum are throwing things at as! Shooting at us! And you say we should not execute them!" the rest of the command-squad stopped what they were doing briefly and glanced at the huge man, his silver-grey facial hair fierce with angry teeth bared in a sneer, the rage in his eyes made Lam step back. Hebel, ever protective, stepped forward a little but their manner showed only appeasement of Boss Huegal. One took Lam gently by the shoulder, pulling him away. "We have been given the authority, to use force and measure deemed necessary to protect ourselves and complete this eviction, do not question my command again rich-boy or I will personally see you out of our peoples militia with immediate effect, understood!?" Torrore Huegal glared at Lam for a moment, and then dismissed him from his mind as he turned to survey the squads again, barking orders that the next difficult bastard should be made an example of by being executed by bayonet.

Lam was incredulous, but he'd gotten the message, he held his tongue and his anger in check, and walked off with the Uncles. "Don't worry about ol Torrore, eh boy" advised Hebel "He just don't take kindly to liberal attitudes towards the no-marks. He doesn't really hate you."

Qweeg
06-09-2002, 16:33:11
The squads finally cleared out the bottom floors of the block, escorting out the last few bedraggled squatters that had not run of their own accord when the gun-battles had started. Lam and the Uncles exited on street level, looking up at the nine-story hab-buildings on either side of the narrow street. At one end of a street, a group of HEPP Commandoes stood around a CitiTank, ordering the stragglers on, they were dressed in the full night-blue armour of the Heavy Enforcement Police Protocol, seemingly designed to not only protect them, but make them look ultra-assertive and fierce. The CitiTank, four snub-barrelled turrets mounted above each of its four corners like miniature gunnery-bunkers, the body of the vehicle was sloped and angled to deflect the blast-force of mines or anti-armour, and the six rows of large armoured wheel-assemblies splayed beneath the tank at that angle made it look like some kind of giant angular beetle, raised up on it's stubby roller-skated legs, and hungrily surveying the line of evictees as they shuffled along.

Hebel gave him a cigar, and lit it for him- and the three of them stood for a moment, watching as Boss Torrore Huegal and Ian Troziki, and some of the rest of the command squad storm past on their way to speak with the HEPP-Commandoes. Lam spotted the two rapists he knew of, talking with Oedonal and some others by the shell of a long burnt out car. He started walking towards them, thoroughly intending to punch the men out- Hebel and Hafai let him go, anticipating a show- and not overly concerned for Lams safety (the men wouldn't dare to strike even an honorary Boss, let alone an Aqtain). Lam set himself in front off the one who had spoken to him before "You, rapist - yeah that's right you fuck" flung out Lam in a flagrantly up-for-a-fight manner. The man, tall and course faced turned- puzzled "Hey rich-boy... what's our problem?" when he saw the expression on Lams face. Lam was about to tell him his problem when there was a sound, and the top of the rapist's bare head disappeared in a spray of red. He stood for a moment, a flap of his scalp looking almost like a high Elvis-bouffant, before it started to pour blood. The man looked dizzy, then a large hole smashed into his forehead and he was flung back, arching blood. All hell broke loose, as the other rapist, standing next to the puzzled looking Oedonal called out "Sniper!" and ducked for cover. Everybody hit the deck, and within moments the air was filled with the sharp fire-crack of RFL57 slug-weapons, and the answering hollow knocking sound of the sniper weapons bullets slamming into plascrete.

Hafai flung himself down beside Lam, edging him rapidly under the cover of the burnt out car-shell "The Boss is down! Boss is Down!" somebody shouted in a ragged voice, Hafai started shooting toward the top of a distant eighteen-storey hab-complex, his RFL57's recoiling forcefully and spraying ammo-casing so close to Lams face he had to raise an arm. He edged out of Hafai's way some more, and unleashed a random burst of his own in the same general direction as Haf was shooting. Some militiamen were already back on their feet (and some were very still on their backs, sides or fronts) and firing upwards towards the building in half-crouches.

"This is Huegal Team requesting immediate strike, X513 and Y231, Maximum Ordinance repeat request Maximum Ordinance to X513 and Y231 over!" it was Ian Toziki's voice, only he had the authority to request an air strike from the Gravcruiser Supremacist. Lam had just started to think of getting to his feet, wondering which of the many gunwagons above would be ordered to hammer the building with rockets and minigun, and listening in on the frantic stream coming in from the Supremacist when the world went white again, and the air turned very hot, and hard, and the ground dropped away beneath him, and he was tumbling...

Guy
06-09-2002, 21:16:48
Printed it, will read it over the weekend. You've been busy! :)

Guy
10-09-2002, 14:02:50
Read it, liked it. Again, your strengths really show through this in the terminology and details that you toss around. It gives a real sense of place to the action that I really like. That being said, it probably wouldn't kill you to refer to the RFLMAO57whatervers as a 'gun' once in a while. ;) The situation is somewhat cliche, but no less valid for that. It's certainly a very human thing. About the only complaint I have about this piece is that it occasionally gets confused as to where the characters are. There were a few times where it sounded like they were down on the ground only to find out a few sentences later that they were still on a balcony. Other than that, good stuff, keep it coming!

Qweeg
10-09-2002, 14:11:30
Thanks man, by the way about the RFL57s... it's 'Weapon' or 'Piece', never a 'Gun'. Any similarity to this statement and Pacino's words in the film 'The Sent of a Woman' is purely intentional.

What was cliche about it, was it becous it had people fighting eachover for some obscure political/historical reason, and was it maybe too typicaly human, in a way that if you wanted to look at that you could just go watch CNN for kicks instead of reading something with 'Sci-Fi story' written on the front.

Guy
10-09-2002, 14:40:39
I puposely said 'gun' because I knew it would get that kind of reaction from you. :)

The obscure political/historical fighting I thought was pretty good. I like the prejudice and the implications about colonization that the situation brings up. What I thought was cliche was the rapist and the human rights abuses, though again, its also very human and so a valid inclusion in the action. I guess I've just read that scenario so many times that I'm tired of it. It's not really that it's wrong, just that it's not interesting to me other than as window dressing on a bigger issue. I guess I'm mostly just hoping that this isn't going to be a 'Disillusionment of Lam' story a la Platoon or some such, at least not as the main focus.

You're right, I'm looking for something more from a sci-fi story, some bigger issue than politics as usual, though that makes for great gingerbread.

This isn't a big enough piece of the overall story for me to make too much of a judgement, and the first section that you posted in the other thread was great, the cliche remark is just my reaction to that specific scenario presented in this piece.

Lady_of_Chicken
10-09-2002, 16:07:16
***waving the white flag***

Okay, I just love it when the muse gets all happy and busy for somebody else...I'll never catch up to anything regarding writing--either my own or reading somebody else's stuff!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


If a day equals weeks for LoC, then I should be able to read and enjoy this in, oh, say THREE days!

Skimming your story and looking forward to reading, Qweeg. :)

Qweeg
11-09-2002, 15:04:36
Thanks Loc, by the way- your Critiques are highly valued, I even critique your critiques... for the fun! :)

Guy, I'm glad you said that. I want the story to be more about... Fantastic Events then human darksidey typ-business (war, oppression, nationalism, 'ethnic-cleansing'-type situations, blahdy blah blah) and am hoping the real theme is up to being Fantastic(if I ever get round to writing those bits again).

There is some disillusionment in store for Lam obviously, but a story would'nt be a story without a little disillusionment... I think anyway ;)

And you always know humanities bottomed out again whenever a bunch of people (usually soldiers and unruly mobs) start raping and eating eachover (I saw this documentary about the battle of Stalingrad you see). I didn't really like including those scenes actually, and don't tend to re-read them becouse they made me feel uncomfortable that such things be allowed to happen in... well, My World I guess, it happened on My Watch- and I am ashamed of that really.... but I thought it was important to show some grittyness and ugliness of war.

I'm glad you picked up on the implications as to the way Tor was colonized though- even if I write little more of this story, I will rewrite The Colonization (a brief history) bit again.

King_Ghidra
11-09-2002, 15:19:03
you should read the book 'Stalingrad', it is magnificent.

Guy
11-09-2002, 15:27:45
Nothing wrong with that. Keep on rollin', my friend!

As a suggestion, an SI perspective on what happened there might have grabbed my attention a bit more, either interwoven into Lam's perspective or as a follow on piece to that. Just a thought.

The disillusionment of an SI, now THERE'S a story! ;)

Qweeg
12-09-2002, 12:21:44
You know your right, it's just that such a piece of writting would have to be immensly clever, using the BBC NEWS 24 vibe as a substitute for 'Realism' may not be sufficient, I'd have to apply 'genuine imagination'- perhaps even 'incredible imagery'.

I'm scared.

Guy
12-09-2002, 13:07:05
:D

Lady_of_Chicken
16-09-2002, 19:22:39
Originally posted by Qweeg
Thanks Loc, by the way- your Critiques are highly valued, I even critique your critiques... for the fun! :)



Now that's loony...and unfair! If you are critiquing my critiques, how can I make my critiques better if I don't know what the critique of my critiques is?

Never mind. :rolleyes:

:lol:

Qweeg
17-09-2002, 13:05:35
I strive to confuse :)