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paiktis
08-01-2011, 02:50:34
i must stop drinking

Lazarus and the Gimp
08-01-2011, 09:31:08
You really, really need to stop drinking.

Dyl Ulenspiegel
08-01-2011, 14:22:08
Yup.

Provost Harrison
08-01-2011, 14:32:06
Sorry paiktis, I don't understand what you are getting at...

paiktis
08-01-2011, 15:45:53
i must stop drinking

Provost Harrison
08-01-2011, 16:31:58
Well that clarified everything...

paiktis
08-01-2011, 16:37:26
i must stop drinking

paiktis
08-01-2011, 20:00:02
i must stop drinking

Provost Harrison
08-01-2011, 21:01:07
Ah I'm kidding ya, it sounds like you're saying several things at the same time.

Personally I've never been a bit wine fan myself anyway...always was more interested in beer :b:

paiktis
08-01-2011, 21:54:41
i must stop drinking

paiktis
08-01-2011, 22:40:02
i must stop drinking

paiktis
08-01-2011, 22:56:06
i must stop drinking

paiktis
08-01-2011, 23:00:46
i must stop drinking

paiktis
08-01-2011, 23:02:27
i must stop drinking

Lazarus and the Gimp
08-01-2011, 23:39:58
I bet life's never dull when you're mental.

paiktis
08-01-2011, 23:45:36
i must stop drinking

paiktis
09-01-2011, 00:03:58
i must stop drinking

paiktis
09-01-2011, 00:05:14
i must stop drinking

paiktis
09-01-2011, 00:11:32
i must stop drinking

Greg W
09-01-2011, 00:30:48
So, to summaries:
Paiktis: drunk, shagging, angry, lost.

I think that your main problem is that you don't like yourself and what you have become. And you're worried about letting someone in who might then turn around and truly love you for who you are. And you can't handle that because you don't love you. You're worried they will eventually leave you, like your father did.

Or you're just worried about letting yourself love someone cos you're worried that with you being who you are, all fucked up inside, you will eventually fuck it up. No relationship has ever really gone right for you, so you're sure that eventually it will go wrong because it's what happens to you.

Thus you hide in alcohol and bimbos because then you don't have to face something deeper and more meaningful. Occasionally you flirt with something deeper, but something always goes wrong (witness the old family friend). You're lonely, so desperately want to find something meaningful, yet whenever you get close, you shy away cos you're worried it will all go wrong.

I think all of this makes you angry too. Thus all these rants at Pakis. I think that while you are genuinely angry at a lot of this stuff, you're using it as an outlet for the rest of the anger inside you at the rest of your life.

Or of course I am just full of shit. Which is entirely possible. :D

mr_B
09-01-2011, 13:42:32
dr Greg
the man with all the answers

Dyl Ulenspiegel
09-01-2011, 16:34:34
Gaylord knows.

Koshko
09-01-2011, 23:07:22
Was it bittersweet or a hemorrhage in your hands?

Greg W
09-01-2011, 23:37:09
Damn, and now he goes and edits it all out. :(

mr_B
10-01-2011, 00:37:54
no answer on that one dr Greg?

Greg W
10-01-2011, 03:43:58
Probably embarrassment. :o

paiktis
11-01-2011, 21:24:44
It was embarassment. I edited them the next day I didn't even remember what I wrote but I remembered a feeling of them all being sleazy and very very angry.
Again thanks for always replying to me seriously Greg.
I don't love myself in all reality I loath myself and I find myself wishing more and more that somehow all those cigs and alcohol and (very mild) occasional anti-anxiety pills will make at LAST my heart stop and the pain will stop.
I'm not suicidal, never been so, but I don't exactly lead a very healthy lifestyle.
I don't think I can find one thing in my life that I like right now and then I get overexcited when I meet the next girl although even THAT has subsided now and I leave opportunities without doing anything.
I don't think I deserve anything good, it's true I'm POSITIVE I'll fuck it up, I don't think there's anything really lovable in me, I think I'm a dishonest person (my father told me that after we didn't agree on something) and I never stop beating myself to the ground probably because that's what everyone else was doing one way or the other.
I don't like what I've become because I feel like I have betrayed myself. I can see all the reasons why this has happened but the road to hell is paved with good intentions anyway.
I fear myself and my anxiety levels.
I re-read your post and those are rock solid words and true.
I mean I can see a glimmer of hope in my life every now and then but I think what's the use? It's for sure that my stress will screw up everything eventually. The only thing I was ever able to hold was a job and that barely now.
I'm positive they will all leave me (in a way I make sure of that). I never had unprotected sex, ever, ever, except with that old family friend?
Not because of fear of disease or anything but because I didn't want my girlfriends to "steal away" my child as well when they would leave me. It sounds very screwed up but that is my persistant fear and unfortunately my reality.
With that girl I didn’t mind, actually I wanted her to get pregnant (I would never do that on purpose though, of course) because I thought at least my son would grow up in a correct and HAPPY family even if I dissapeared?
Anyway I really don’t have the strength for a lot of things, I don’t get as excited as before. Before I had the writing, that kept me somehow on my feet. That has gone now.
I just don’t have the strength for a lot of things now. Anyway, for what is worth thank you for replying to me with the words you did. They sounded very very true and not at all cruel. Just reality.

paiktis
11-01-2011, 21:25:18
n/t

mr_B
12-01-2011, 04:00:11
Last edited by paiktis; 12-01-2011 at 02:10:29.

Greg W
12-01-2011, 04:31:08
No worries, mate. I always take them seriously because I have had to vent on the 'net every now and then. And having everyone just joke around isn't constructive.

As to your reply... First up, I am constantly amazed that I manage to hit close to the mark most of the time. I don't know how I manage this to be honest. I'll keep offering it, from advice to just listening... whatever is useful.

I think you need to make some of the rest of the things in your life right before you will ever manage to sort out any serious relationship. Be happy in your job, your neighbourhood, your family (even if only your mother's side). Change whatever you need to change to get to that point. The building a new place for yourself and your mother and moving from where you are is a great start. Try and find happiness again in your job. Change jobs if you need to or maybe try a different approach. I know you tried that with the government job and it it didn't seem to work that well, but maybe something different again.

When (and if) you sort those things out, you can maybe begin to feel a bit better about yourself. Don't constantly stress yourself about your past. What's done is done and you need to forgive yourself for past mistakes. We all make them, we all learn from them. It's a part of being human. As long as you allow them to not only haunt your past, but also influence your future, then you will always be a slave to past mistakes.

Discover that what you do now is up to you. You are not forced to be your father, you are not forced to make the same mistakes of your past. You can change yourself and you can be a better person. Do not expect instant perfection, just expect to change a little every day and maybe one day int he future you will wake up and realise that you are not that bad person you worry you are, that "you" that you hate.

And then, maybe, you'll be ready to open up to someone. Because one day you need to admit your faults, your fears, your anxieties to someone. You might scare them away, or they might embrace you. But first you have to show them the "nice" person inside you. The person that doesn't want a child raised in a bad environment. The person that wants a good family life but is afraid of it. The person that cares for his mother.

But, you're going to need to get yourself into a good space to be able to do that. Oh, you could do it beforehand, but then you'll just end up relying on the person you open up to to provide your happiness. Instead you need to have a happy base to work from. A good job, neighbourhood, social activities, friends, whatever it needs to lead a happy life.

Yes, it will take strength to do all that. But I believe that to go through all you have been through and to not be the same man your father was... Well, I believe that takes some strength to do that. i think you have more strength than you realise. It's just that so much has gone wrong for so long that you can't find it any more. It's still there though, I think you just need to start doing things to rediscover it.

paiktis
16-01-2011, 11:13:34
I'm going to write a bit here if that's alriught.
What has happened yesterday, it frightened me.
i drink, on a daily basis.
and i smoke a lot.
basicall now my hands are trembling.
but what happened yesterday was very violent.
very extremely dangerous
and it hasnot hja[[ened in 5 years.

there are a lot of things in my life that are chaning.
not for the better or worse (if health is in accound it's for worse)
I SO HATE MYSELF NOW.
what happened is i drove drunk and i dont mean i drove a little drunk i drove heavily drunk, double vision.
nothing happened, my mermory remains but that is a slap on my face.
the reasons that drove me to that are mayby irritating but in no way esxcuse what has happened. nothing excuses it.
i put myself in danger, i put other people oin danger.
if this even comes to go to happen one more time, im selling the car.
i just want it written here, so that i can come back and remember it again and again and everyday that this is a fight for survival now, and notjhing less.

paiktis
16-01-2011, 11:21:56
i donmt care about having a car. maybe i'm goin to sell it anyway.,
then i'll sell the house and buy one other in another neighborhood and just find a little cotrner of the world where i can really just relaz and feel peaceful.

paiktis
16-01-2011, 11:22:26
I am never, ever going to do this again.

Greg W
16-01-2011, 12:20:43
Good idea. Very, very good idea.

Dyl Ulenspiegel
16-01-2011, 18:10:17
Excellent idea.

Now get yourself a picture of a dead architect for the avatar, and you will feel better.

paiktis
22-01-2011, 00:59:20
Well I didn;t sell it. I even managed to go out with her and not drink more than 2 beers!!!!!!!! And managed to get her back home safe.
Alocohol, too little alcohol didnbt manage to cover my holier than thou attitude but she didnt seem to mind that much. she was acting like a little girl.
I'm thinking for a change i'm going to take it slow. she reminds me of another girl i had which kind of cared for me (she cared for me hugely), i kind of want that. she's beautiful and silly! that kind of makes me feel secure.
i drove very safely with only two beers. i dont care if they stop me or fine me, two beers is nothing. evereything clear on the road :)

paiktis
22-01-2011, 01:00:48
and i think im giving up my other girlfriend 'cause it doesnt seem right. or only visit her once or twice. then stop./

paiktis
22-01-2011, 01:03:58
i still have craving for that old family friend, went out with her brother but for the first time i was able to talk with him about girls. and not mind. he kind of smirked cause he knows that i dated his sister but all is ok. he is my friend and his sister my ex. so it's ok. i still have feelings for her but anyway. control uber alles.

paiktis
22-01-2011, 01:14:12
i really want her to do well though. he told me that she found some temp job and i was happy 'cause she wanted that very much :)
she had told me she felt she had nothing to offer me, no job no nothing and that she felt like i was adult like her parents and uncles, work, appartment etc and she felt she was inferior to me.
and no more false words were spoken cause she was my whole world.
anyway. happy she found a job :) i still love her. i think i always will.

Greg W
22-01-2011, 10:24:29
Ironic. Neither of you thought you had anything to offer the other. And yet you probably both craved something the other one was offering.

paiktis
22-01-2011, 15:25:05
Yeah I think I have this one pinned down.
She was able to live carefree like I couldn't do (soldier of life attitude) she had a happy large family whereas I had nothing.
OTOH, I was able to stand at my own feet very soon, was able to land good jobs, had independence very early on,was very "steel" to what regards independence and sustainability etc
Anyway, this all translated to the most incredible sex I had ever had. She said the same so I won't dispute it.
Then she acted like a little girl in a situation, I let my fearsome self come out and it dissolved.
I had the feeling, like I couldn't take the heat of her immaturity. And she couldnt take the heat of my controlfreakness.
May she be well though.

paiktis
22-01-2011, 15:31:36
basically we never talked. we just had sex all the time.

paiktis
22-01-2011, 15:49:58
and then there were other things too.
I was just coming out from the only meaningful relationship I ever had, a relationship of equals and she had her heart broken long ago but wasnt mended.
I think I was loving something else besides her and she was just in a haze.
both recognized that, in time.
oh yes. and she was very very very attractive (to me).