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Japher
22-05-2009, 03:36:50
Our secretary is an idiot. She isn't trainable, constantly complains that she doesn't make any money, can't work a computer to save her life, can't file worth a damn, and is never at her desk to answer the phone.

Yet the bosses keep her on.

This thread will serve as the log of the stupid things she does. I'll call her Secretary.

Today Secretary threw a temper tantrum at the printer, which is located outside my office, because it would print her documents, about 100 files of 2-3 pages documents. She kept printing them. Because the power save was on the lcd screen wasn't on and she couldn't see that the printer was warning her that it was out of paper, despite the flashing red light. She figured it out after about 20 minutes (I knew after 2 because the printer also beeps loudly when it runs out of paper). Of course she loaded it with "the good paper" and then proceed to print the entire queue she had given it. Which was about 700 pages more than she needed before I decided to cancel the print requests.

Then, she spent about 30 minutes trying to figure out who created a sub directory (which she calls menus) in a root directory she had no business being in. I've been editing a large number of documents, and for doc control purposes have been saving the edits in to a sub directory while keeping the originals as and where is. I heard her ask and then complain to the two bosses, which took about 15 minutes each. She finally asked me, and I told her it was mine and not to touch. I closed out of all my files and then noticed by the end of the day that the last modified time was recent, and I hadn't touched it. I went in and found that she was formatting them, for some reason. She is now locked out of that directory.

Tomorrow we will see how long it takes her to figure out that I locked her out of it.

:bounce:

mr_B
22-05-2009, 05:34:03
waswas

devilmunchkin
22-05-2009, 05:43:05
But the movie "Secretary" was sooo good. Can't we give her another name like Mildred or Bertha?

JM^3
22-05-2009, 05:46:00
No one ever likes Mildred or Bertha.

JM

devilmunchkin
22-05-2009, 05:59:50
exactly!

didn't there used to be some game for stating the obvious? like own goal or something?

Funko
22-05-2009, 07:47:33
A PHd. :D

King_Ghidra
22-05-2009, 08:16:04
or 100-0 if you can, as David Pleat would say, induce it

Japher
22-05-2009, 12:36:48
Bertha fits her stature

MoSe
22-05-2009, 12:50:42
Die Dicke Bertha?

http://de.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dicke_Bertha

Provost Harrison
22-05-2009, 16:06:50
Originally posted by Funko
A PHd. :D

Don't know that one, could you explain it to me? :D

MDA
27-05-2009, 16:02:47
so, would "own goal" be a PhD response?

The Mad Monk
28-05-2009, 16:59:57
What's wrong with Mildred? :(

Immortal Wombat
28-05-2009, 18:07:32
she's the worst witch ever

MDA
29-05-2009, 15:58:55
Mildred the Mildly Retarded Witch

Japher
29-05-2009, 17:06:49
Just went to send a client some equipment specifications, went into the networked folder I we store them in to pdf' them and they were gone. In their place were templates of the equipment specification that Beatrice was working on... guess she forgot to change the name of the file before saving... or moving it to another directory... or anything.

Luckily I had a hard copy. She wasn't too happy when I asked her to retype them.

Provost Harrison
30-05-2009, 09:48:00
Can't you sack the retarded bitch or anything?

Caligastia
31-05-2009, 02:39:00
:violin:

I used to work with a LAN admin who was so clueless that she gave everyone rights to everyone else's home directory on a new file server. And if that wasn't bad enough, she also changed the login script mapping so that everyone would see the root directory first. Not only did they have access - the fact was also waved in front of their faces!

Japher
04-06-2009, 13:24:25
Can't you sack the retarded bitch or anything?

I didn't hire her, I just have to tell her what to do and how to do it... sometimes that is an impossible task. The others are starting to realize this. Yesterday she almost had a nervous breakdown at the copier because it was giving her some strange error; "replace toner". She is also having a hard time adjusting margins on documents and has just asked me to print out all the drawings for a project, in triplicate, despite the fact that I pdf'd them for her so that she could print them. I don't mind helping ppl out with their job, but I do mind doing it for them.

Japher
04-06-2009, 19:52:20
aaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhh

I feel like Laz right now

Funko
05-06-2009, 07:55:28
You hammered your hand?

Nav
05-06-2009, 08:55:53
guess she forgot to change the name of the file before saving... or moving it to another directory... or anything. I do that all the time, and it's annoying as hell. ;)

Japher
12-06-2009, 19:25:22
I would have kept up with this thread but it was just to difficult. I really am questioning her ability to read right now as she can't take any written instruction, doesn't correctly follow verbal instruction, and if you stand there and tell her what to do as she does it you have to tell her 2-4 times in a row because she does it wrong each time.

Today she wore flip-flops to work. I know it's "casual Friday" but flip-flops? I always knew when she was walking around, it was worse than tic-tacs in the pocket.. flip! flop! flip! flop!

Oerdin
12-06-2009, 19:29:37
I sense sexual tension.

fp
12-06-2009, 19:30:54
A good old-fashioned grudge fuck will make you feel a lot better, Japher.

Japher
12-06-2009, 19:31:57
that's disgusting

she left early too, thank goodness

Oerdin
12-06-2009, 19:35:08
Sometimes fucking the dumb ones is the best thing for you.

techietone
13-06-2009, 15:24:43
:violin:

I used to work with a LAN admin who was so clueless that she gave everyone rights to everyone else's home directory on a new file server. And if that wasn't bad enough, she also changed the login script mapping so that everyone would see the root directory first. Not only did they have access - the fact was also waved in front of their faces!

Thats a Sackable offence in my book

Caligastia
15-06-2009, 01:59:24
Fortunately, her contribution to the ethnic diversity of the company makes it all worth it.

techietone
15-06-2009, 08:28:06
Fortunately, her contribution to the ethnic diversity of the company makes it all worth it.

so sad this modern world, doesn't matter how good you are at your job its what boxes you tick in HR that matter

Japher
15-06-2009, 15:25:15
She's out today and possibly tomorrow. Apparently she was so pissed that her husband would rather spend money of HS girls softball than take her on vacation that she had to withdraw money from her retirement savings and buy a fifth wheel. It's okay though, she won't need her retirement, that's what long-term disability and medicare are for. Sponge.

Note, her husband does not have a daughter, does not teach at a high school, and has no affiliation with the school, church, or any other organization that would involve him spending money on girl's HS softball. He volunteers to coach it though, and I think that is disturbing.

MDA
16-06-2009, 11:08:38
he's lying and spending it on his mistress

Oerdin
16-06-2009, 16:33:32
DIng! Ding!

Japher
26-06-2009, 17:02:05
So, you cashed out your retirement account 10 years before you decide to retire to buy a 30something foot RV because the 20something one you had rotting in your backyard wasn't good enough. Now don't think I give a shit that you need to rent a bobcat to dig up your yard to lay concrete so you can park your retirement account on wheels and you don't know how to use a bobcat and you are worried about running into your house.

Guess what, I don't care. You probably will run into your house and take out a gas main and blow the damn thing up because your chain smoking sister who is trying to kill her transplanted kidney is to damn stupid to understand what that funny smell is.

Anyway, have a good weekend.

Japher
26-06-2009, 17:12:27
And this stemmed from her not asking the question.

She asked, "do you have anything for me to do?"
Me "No. Why? Are you leaving?"
Her "No, but I might leave around 4pm, we are renting a bobcat......"

Ok, "No" was the answer why are you still talking?

I guess I'm an ass, but was getting some good work done. Now my concentration is broken I will probably have an unproductive afternoon.

Provost Harrison
26-06-2009, 17:22:27
You have productive Friday afternoons? I don't believe you :p

Japher
26-06-2009, 17:28:30
I get my best posting done on Fridays.

MDA
26-06-2009, 17:28:37
so you're listening to all the intimate details of her personal life and still not getting any?

Provost Harrison
26-06-2009, 17:29:15
By the sound of it I don't think he wants to get any from her!

Japher
26-06-2009, 17:29:32
And even worse, I don't want any of that. If I did I wouldn't be complaining.

MDA
26-06-2009, 17:35:04
By the sound of it I don't think he wants to get any from her!


Then why is he listening?

It's horrible Japher, you didn't just let her prattle on and on while you made sympathetic noises, you listened and remembered... Venom will take your man card if this continues.

Japher
26-06-2009, 17:35:47
I did it so I could tell you.

MDA
26-06-2009, 17:38:11
wouldn't it be less painful to donate part of your liver to me?

Japher
26-06-2009, 17:55:38
My liver is damaged by choice.

Japher
26-06-2009, 18:08:56
uggggggggggggggg...

My other coworker is gone, and has been since I got back from lunch at 12:15, I left for lunch at 11:30. I had to ask when he'd be back, because it's 2:00 now and she tells me something and then finally tells me she doesn't know, but adds, "he's been gone a while, he left a little over an hour after you left for lunch." If that were the case I would have seen him now, wouldn't I? And if she's insinuating that I take long lunches, as she stuffing her face, she can shut it since I generally eat lunch at my desk while she goes out for 2+ hours!


I'm not going to talk to her anymore today.

The Mad Monk
04-07-2009, 17:08:08
She's out today and possibly tomorrow. Apparently she was so pissed that her husband would rather spend money of HS girls softball than take her on vacation that she had to withdraw money from her retirement savings and buy a fifth wheel. It's okay though, she won't need her retirement, that's what long-term disability and medicare are for. Sponge.

Note, her husband does not have a daughter, does not teach at a high school, and has no affiliation with the school, church, or any other organization that would involve him spending money on girl's HS softball. He volunteers to coach it though, and I think that is disturbing.

Go easy on him. He has to live with her, afterall.

Does he look like Al Bundy, by any chance?

Japher
09-07-2009, 15:02:47
He looks like Ben Stein.

She's faking sick today :beer: and I'm off tomorrow and all next week :beer:

MOBIUS
10-07-2009, 13:07:22
Fortunately, her contribution to the ethnic diversity of the company makes it all worth it.

How did I guess that this particular employee you would be complaining about would not be white...:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

Caligastia
11-07-2009, 01:44:31
How did I guess that this particular employee you would be complaining about would not be white...:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

Well, DUH!!!

Caligastia
11-07-2009, 01:46:30
I'm curious. On a scale of 1 - 10, how much pleasure does calling me racist give you?

Venom
11-07-2009, 02:35:28
Punch them about the face until they quit or die.

Japher
21-07-2009, 13:27:26
She's taking half a day off to take her 20-something yo son to a job interview.

I just find that odd.

Funko
21-07-2009, 13:32:41
:lol:

Japher
21-07-2009, 13:42:58
I'm not sure if it's the son that got laid off from a legitimate job or the one that got fired from Taco Bell.

If I had to guess I would say that it's her who has the job interview. Things have been rather slow lately, mostly for her, and she asked me a couple of weeks ago if she should be looking for a job...

Japher
04-08-2009, 12:34:07
She's out again today. Says she's at the hospital because a bug bit her and she won't be in or available to be contacted by phone. It's not a nice day out.

Still, for someone who's job it is to show up to work, she is doing a lousy job of it. Especially since she normally shows up late.

Japher
04-08-2009, 14:19:51
It would appear that the boss doesn't believe her.

Provost Harrison
04-08-2009, 16:16:55
*token reply so Japher doesn't feel so bad* ;)

Provost Harrison
04-08-2009, 16:17:35
I can imagine she is writing on another bulletin board somewhere: "He's such a lazy cunt. All he does it post on bulletin boards. And they're really dark bulletin boards" :D

Japher
04-08-2009, 16:24:41
I use light style

Provost Harrison
04-08-2009, 16:38:32
I use light style

WHAT?! :eek:

Cort Haus
04-08-2009, 18:33:01
I use light style

Oh dear.

Japher
04-08-2009, 18:49:17
what?

Sir Penguin
05-08-2009, 03:48:17
I use light styleThe style of the just.

SP

The Mad Monk
05-08-2009, 05:19:50
Just what?

Tizzy
05-08-2009, 08:47:40
Light FTW

Japher
05-08-2009, 13:37:21
Nobody at work today, everyone off doing something. Just me and coworker Lazy Lady. I don't really talk to her any more. She told me that she might be leaving early, it depends. Have no idea why, don't care. Days when nothing to do are days you shouldn't take off.

She'll leave an hour after lunch I bet. Though, if she takes a 2.5 hour lunch that may be at a normal time.

Japher
05-08-2009, 13:57:09
She just needed help replacing the ink cartridge in the fax machine. You take one out, you put one in, how hard is that? Besides, why is she even doing that? No one is faxing us and we aren't faxing anything.

I think I know what bugs me about her. It's that she's so bad at everything, and lazy. However, she is even bad at being lazy. She should just wear a shirt that says "Doin' it Wrong", because it won't matter what she's doing for the sign to be right.

I wonder if she knows about Spider Solitaire.

mr_B
05-08-2009, 14:18:28
summary pleezzzz

Funko
05-08-2009, 14:28:54
However, she is even bad at being lazy.

That is criminal.

Japher
05-08-2009, 16:43:18
I'd call the cops if I could be bothered.

Japher
05-08-2009, 16:44:21
Right now she is trying to print labels. Guess what? She is having "issues" with the labels.

Good Grief.

Provost Harrison
05-08-2009, 22:31:27
Stop trying to label her!

Funko
06-08-2009, 08:06:12
Hey, everyone has issues trying to print labels...

Japher
06-08-2009, 14:13:59
She just took out a loan to buy a truck to tow the trailer they cashed out her retirement fund for. They still haven't sold their old trailer, which was going to help pay for the truck to tow it. However, they have now decided sell the SUV they had, that apparently couldn't tow the trailer, to pay for the trailer.

In my world, if you are going to sell something to buy something you sell the something first, before you buy the other something. Especially in a buyers market.

JM^3
06-08-2009, 14:24:03
Make bets on whetherini 10 years the old trailer will still be sitting on her property?

JM

Japher
06-08-2009, 16:40:35
I'm making bets on how poor she'll be at the end of the year because of her increasing number of payments on debts and the unrealized tax penalty she'll have to pay for taking money out of her retirement account. She's going to owe more than she has.

The trailer may be parked outside the office come March.

Japher
06-08-2009, 16:44:15
She's still working on those labels... my lord

Provost Harrison
07-08-2009, 09:24:53
Even now?

Japher
07-08-2009, 13:56:40
She figured out the labels!@

Still, she just spent 15 minutes explaining why she took the day off because of a bug bite.

Here's a little advice to those of you who lie to get out of work; never say you got bit by a spider to avoid work if your boss is a genius with degrees in zoology.

Funko
07-08-2009, 14:22:35
:lol:

Japher
07-08-2009, 14:31:34
Unfortunately for the coworker, she has no idea of what zoology is, what degrees are, and how that relates to a spider.

JM^3
07-08-2009, 14:35:18
And so she stays happy...

JM

Funko
07-08-2009, 14:36:52
Making up anything extravagant to get out of work is stupid. Pick something common and unpleasant that you can get over in a day, like the shits.

Greg W
07-08-2009, 14:47:28
Good old food poisoning! :beer:Unfortunately for the coworker, she has no idea of what zoology is, what degrees are, and how that relates to a spider.If ignorance were bliss, she'd be Happy the Dwarf on uppers!

Japher
07-08-2009, 14:53:18
She's not very happy, and I find that to be her crux. She has so much grief in life, outside of work, that it makes it impossible for her to handle her work. I really don't think that she's untrainable (she's isn't smart, but I've worked with stupid people successfully before) but it's more that she is so concerned with her personal life that she is unable to focus on her work.

Her two son's didn't fall far from the tree, both are unemployed, one is unemployable and violent. The other one is early 20s and in love, so he's pretty much worthless. Both live at home and count on her and her husband's pitiful salaries, and her husband's job is always in jeopardy of being made redundant. If I had that kind of stress at home it would make work harder. I've contemplated asking her not to take personal calls at work, because that gets her mad or flustered. But, I rather enjoy watching the drama.

JM^3
07-08-2009, 15:11:48
Making up anything extravagant to get out of work is stupid. Pick something common and unpleasant that you can get over in a day, like the shits.

Yeah, and it is common enough too...

I sometimes just go to work anyways, but that is because no one asks me to do anything most of the time.

JM

Japher
11-08-2009, 17:03:26
We have a client in today so we ordered in lunch. Coworker was sent to pick it up, 45 minutes ago. Subway, less than 1/4 mile from here. She is an idiot.

Japher
11-08-2009, 17:14:42
My boss had me call to find out where she went, she didn't answer the phone.

Japher
11-08-2009, 17:22:37
Apparently she went to a Subway 4 times as far because she had to do some errands and she didn't fax in the order as she was asked to do. When you are asked to run and get a client lunch, don't run errands! Some things you shouldn't have to tell people.

I wish I could fire her.

Greg W
12-08-2009, 01:55:02
Shoot her instead. In true HARDMAN fashion... :cute:

Funko
12-08-2009, 07:47:23
That is unbelievable. Subway for a client lunch?!

Japher
12-08-2009, 12:20:39
eh, more of a business partner than a client... still... I agree, very sad

Funko
12-08-2009, 13:28:29
Does she actually get bollockings* every day when she does this stuff?

What happened with her faking a bug bite to get a day off?


*shouted at

King_Ghidra
12-08-2009, 13:48:18
The other one is early 20s and in love, so he's pretty much worthless.

:lol:

As a general comment, you're a lot funnier than you used to be, japher. Almost to the extent i thought your account had been hacked.

Funko
12-08-2009, 13:54:43
:lol:

Japher
12-08-2009, 15:03:14
She pretty much gets ignored by the rest of the guys in the office.

She gets paid dirt, so they have no intention of getting rid of her; no one else will work for that.

Funko
12-08-2009, 15:10:09
You get what you pay for.

Funko
12-08-2009, 15:11:04
It's worth whatever she gets paid to entertain us here.

Greg W
12-08-2009, 15:13:13
Pay peanuts - get monkeys. :beer:

MDA
12-08-2009, 16:29:47
or Jimmy Carter

Japher
12-08-2009, 16:40:45
He said Monkeys

Funko
13-08-2009, 08:15:26
What a racist.

King_Ghidra
13-08-2009, 08:41:56
missed beast :(

Japher
13-08-2009, 12:26:58
She pulled up in a car I've never seen. What's with these rednecks? More cars than they have sense and always broke. Shessh

Japher
13-08-2009, 17:39:22
She's going for a record today; she left about 10 minutes before I did for lunch, and I ended up taking 1hr20min for lunch because I took my 4 yo to a Chinese buffet, and she's still not back from her lunch.

Japher
13-08-2009, 17:50:06
Right on, 5 minutes shy of 2 hours

Which is pretty sad when your job is to answer the phones.

Funko
14-08-2009, 08:02:22
Impressive

Japher
14-08-2009, 16:59:48
She's out all next week and took a half day today. According to my calculations that puts her over he allotted paid vacation for the year (2 weeks), she accomplished this in 2 months. I would say something, but I would sooner pay her not to come to work.

Oerdin
14-08-2009, 18:10:18
Right on, 5 minutes shy of 2 hours

Which is pretty sad when your job is to answer the phones.

She should work out a way to do it from her cellphone and that way she'd never have to go to work. The hard part would be forwarding calls to other people's lines though.

Japher
14-08-2009, 19:13:48
She can't figure out how to use the blue tooth that was given to her so she wouldn't miss a call when she's in the office.

I'm amazed at how many calls she misses because she's not at her desk. It's funny when she's at the copier and hears it. She a big lady, and trying to make it to the front of the office before it goes to voice mail is a feat for her. I would tell her she could make take more calls to go to voice mail... but I'm a dick.

Japher
24-08-2009, 18:29:18
She's back. Told me to ask my wife what dish she's bringing to the company picnic. I told her that I don't need to ask my wife that because I cook. She replied with 'well, if you want to pick something up at the store'. I told her to go to hell, well in a nicer way than that.

Still, it's nice to feel smart a couple of times a day, and she's still better than a company I worked for a few years back. I only worked there for a little over a year before I realized how petty the place was. They would lie and cheat for personal benefit at work and at home (many people there were having affairs with each other, I was sure if I dug too deep I would find that they were breaking laws, both civil and criminal, so I left).

Anyway, one of the long time HR persons (lets call her Marry), who really was in charge of benefits and nothing else, retire last year after 20+ years with the company. They invited her back for the company picnic a few weeks after her retirement which other retirees are invited to. When the CEO got up to make his speech he thanked all the retirees who showed up, except for Marry who shredded all her documents upon leaving. WTF?! Marry, who we who hate the company trust, claims she didn't shred anything. We are all sure that the head of HR did this, due to our infoulable assumption making process, in what would be a criminal offense. Such petty BS, and now intentional law breaking and blame placing. Awesome, at least I don't work there.

Funko
25-08-2009, 08:03:15
What are you going to make?

Japher
25-08-2009, 12:12:32
One of my bosses is a vegetarian and the other is Cajun. So, seeing as no one in the midwest knows what a vegetable is and the veggie boss usually gets stuck with one salad and a carrot stick I figure I'll take some portobellos to grill and I make a mean eggplant parmesan.

Japher
25-08-2009, 12:58:34
She got in at 8:25am, 25 minutes late by my watch, and just sat down at her desk, it is now 8:54am. What did she do for the last 28 minutes? That's a very good question.

Yesterday, her first day back from vacation, she came in early because she had to leave early. How early? She was here before me, and I get in a quarter to 8, but she could have been in 5 minutes earlier for all I know. Still, she left just after 3pm. Now, as I see it, the less time she is here the better for me, but when your job is to answer phones during business hours you can't really comp that time by coming in before business hours. My opinion, hourly employees shouldn't be allotted comp time.

Since it's no of my business I just vent about it here.

When she was on vacation the only issue the rest of us had was trying to get the messages left for the company on her voice mail. We figured that out. Still, it really showed her lack of need.

Oerdin
25-08-2009, 16:13:58
If she wasn't there you'd be unhappy because you'd have nothing to bitch about. ;)

Japher
26-08-2009, 12:20:26
You're probably right. However, she's not here and I'm still bitching. This time she called in and said she'll be late but she doesn't know how late because she stayed up too late. Holy irresponsibility batman!

Reminds me of that show Flipping Out where his intern apologized for being late because in order to get out of bed each morning he has to win a game of checkers he has on a phone app, and that morning it took him 3 tries. His boss, the star of the show, is known for his OCD so he completely understood and told the intern he was doing a good job.

Japher
26-08-2009, 15:13:33
Well, I forwarded the message she left me to my coworkers, of whom only 1 is in today (the other is in India and another is taking his daughter to college) and he didn't seem to happy. She calls at 10:10am and says that she is running some errands and the she'll be here in about 20 minutes. She then calls my coworker to tell him the same thing, to which he replies "well, you don't get paid for that." It is now 11:15am and there is no sign of her.

Oh well.

Funko
26-08-2009, 16:12:47
Amazing stuff.

Japher
26-08-2009, 17:56:20
She was coming in as I was leaving for lunch, 1130ish. I got back and she was gone until about 5 minutes ago. It is now 1:55pm and she has just sat down at her desk for the first time today, that I know off. And, assuming she followed her normal "get in to work" routine, I am probably right in that assumption.

Japher
26-08-2009, 18:07:53
Correction... she has now just sat down. She went to the restroom and then screwed around in the kitchen. It is now 2:07pm, and she has yet to do any work.

mr_B
26-08-2009, 18:12:01
Amazing stuff

Japher
26-08-2009, 18:14:57
isn't it?

we work next to a marketing firm and there's a new girl that parks next to my car every day... she's pretty

JM^3
26-08-2009, 18:16:57
Correction... she has now just sat down. She went to the restroom and then screwed around in the kitchen. It is now 2:07pm, and she has yet to do any work.

That's like me!

JM

Japher
26-08-2009, 18:18:05
Holy shnickies! She's doing something!

Of course she is doing it wrong. She's printing letters, but of course I took out the nice fancy paper and put in the cheap stuff so I could print sudoku puzzles out. She's going to have to reprint everything. Really, she a) shouldn't leave the good paper in the tray over night and b) check the printer is properly fed before printing.

mr_B
26-08-2009, 18:23:29
:lol: @ Jon

JM^3
26-08-2009, 19:03:53
So she comes to work late and is useless.

You talk about her and do soduko puzzles.

JM

mr_B
26-08-2009, 19:07:53
:lol:
what kinda work are you in Japher?

Japher
26-08-2009, 19:10:52
I do the Sudoku puzzles in the bathroom. I actually get some work done, not much lately as there hasn't been much. Still, my reasoning is that if you can't be arsed to show up to work when there is nothing to do how do you behave when there is something to do? Work ethic is work ethic.

3:08: she just realized she had the wrong paper in there, that only took 45 minutes.


mr. B; I'm a technical/engineering consultant to the biochemical industry. Basically, I design fuel ethanol plants.

mr_B
26-08-2009, 19:16:49
by answering phonecalls?

Japher
26-08-2009, 19:24:15
huh? Her job is that of the secretary/receptionist

Japher
26-08-2009, 19:46:30
and I am in no way trying to validate my laziness

JM^3
26-08-2009, 19:54:12
Well, this is probably the best thread on CG right now, so no complaints here.
JM

Greg W
27-08-2009, 03:08:43
What do you mean "probably"? :hmm:

The Mad Monk
27-08-2009, 05:08:14
Switchgrass?

Japher
27-08-2009, 20:05:59
She hasn't been all that annoying today, she must not be feeling well. On the downside, my hot Saab girl didn't come to work today, I hope she's doing ok...

Provost Harrison
29-08-2009, 01:09:19
Saab girl? Is she a car?

Funko
01-09-2009, 07:23:30
A girl who has a car he wants to shag.

MOBIUS
01-09-2009, 12:48:39
He wants to shag the car?:drekkus:

Provost Harrison
01-09-2009, 13:02:18
Is she called Christine?

Japher
03-09-2009, 13:45:44
fat people shouldn't wear purple... that's all I have to say about that

Japher
14-09-2009, 13:06:46
She did fine last week... Seeing as it was a 4 day week and I was out 1.5 days with a stomach bug. MIA today though.

Japher
15-09-2009, 15:11:17
she's out sick today, this pissed off one my coworkers because she hasn't worked a full week in over a month and a half

Funko
15-09-2009, 15:19:05
Nor have I.

Provost Harrison
17-09-2009, 02:34:49
Me neither...

Funko
17-09-2009, 08:09:16
European Holiday Allowance FTW.

King_Ghidra
17-09-2009, 14:07:06
There is a new tester at work, a girl who is a little bit weird. She does not work for me directly but as i'm head of test i have to guide her a fair bit and she sits next to me for the time being too.

This, sadly, just happened:

Her: What is this email about that's been sent to everyone - "Football Friendly, HPI vs Audatex"
Me: Well the clue's in the subject.
Her: I don't get it.
Me (incredulous): Are you actually asking me what "Football Friendly, HPI vs Audatex" means?
Her: Oh, I get it now.
Me: If you need any more help i'll be right here.

Fistandantilus
17-09-2009, 14:43:18
I think she didn't get it, just pretending.

King_Ghidra
17-09-2009, 15:33:49
:D I did wonder. She stopped asking though, that was good enough.

Scabrous Birdseed
17-09-2009, 15:55:40
Come on, someone who's not into sports won't know that a friendly is a noun rather than an adjective in this case, and it is confusing if you read it that way. There's no reason you have to know anything about sports at work unless, you know, you happen to work with the sports section of a newspaper or something.

Coincidentally, that's what I did over the summer - and one of my co-workers turned out incompetent enough to have to be placed out of sports editing and into general news. I think the classic quote was "What sport does Manchester United play in? It's Ice Hockey, right?" - not a good level of knowledge if your job is to do the last bit of fact-checking, filler-picking and news-weighing for the night.

Funko
17-09-2009, 16:28:21
But even if that were the case one would presume there was some content in the e-mail that might have made everything a bit clearer if she'd just read it.

Japher
17-09-2009, 16:31:03
My coworker doesn't check her e-mail... not sure if she knows how.

She did try to schedule a meeting once and instead canceled one, and actually did schedule a meeting, but she was the only one notified... Outlook perplexes her. Well, computers perplex her. She actually people to review a document she had worked on. We were instructed to go to her private directory and check it out... moron.

Japher
18-09-2009, 17:45:35
Hour and 45 minute lunch today... she must of powered it down to eat that quick!

Funko
21-09-2009, 08:13:53
When will she do todays personal errands?!

Japher
21-09-2009, 13:08:49
Today she is claiming that the network is down... no one else is having an issue accessing it.

JM^3
21-09-2009, 18:42:44
Have you checked to see if her computer network cable is unplugged?

JM

Sir Penguin
21-09-2009, 19:10:59
Have you checked to see if her computer power cable is unplugged?SP

Japher
21-09-2009, 20:30:05
Doesn't really matter, it's not like her productivity will be effected.

Caligastia
21-09-2009, 21:42:50
Reboot her mousepad.

Funko
22-09-2009, 08:20:38
How crude.

Japher
25-09-2009, 17:43:55
Long Friday lunch for her today. 1hour 45minutes and counting.

MOBIUS
25-09-2009, 21:34:03
Doesn't really matter, it's not like her productivity will be effected.

Affected.:cute:

mr_B
25-09-2009, 22:07:35
:lol:

Japher
28-09-2009, 16:56:38
She's out sick today, that makes me happy

MOBIUS
28-09-2009, 19:12:40
But she's not really sick, is she?

It's a Monday, after all.

Japher
28-09-2009, 19:27:19
One of the bosses commented on how she's been sick a lot since she ran out of vacation time

Greg W
29-09-2009, 02:13:51
All the stress of not having a vacation to look forward to can do that to you. :(

Oerdin
29-09-2009, 07:06:53
One of the bosses commented on how she's been sick a lot since she ran out of vacation time

My employer did away with vacation and sick days and now everything is all in one pool precisely for that reason. ;)

Funko
29-09-2009, 08:21:31
You poor Americans and your rubbish holiday allocations. :(

Japher
30-09-2009, 19:10:26
She just spent 15 minutes trying to fix a stapler jam in one of them large 50+ paper stack type of staplers. She was banging on it so loudly that one of the other engineers went over to help her fix it. That stupid stapler jams so much that manufacturer has actually written directions on how to remove the staple in case it jams on the bottom of the stapler... The adds to my theory that she's illiterate.

Caligastia
30-09-2009, 20:15:51
You should find some way to test that theory.

Funko
01-10-2009, 11:12:39
We should get her to write for Lazyview, an expert if ever I heard of one.

MDA
01-10-2009, 11:17:32
if it needs to be tested, its not a theory

it's, hahahaha

Funko
01-10-2009, 11:20:36
OK well let's make some predictions from the theory and devise experiments to try and disprove them.

MOBIUS
01-10-2009, 12:15:24
Can't you just shoot her?

That is why you lot are allowed to use guns, isn't it?

Funko
01-10-2009, 12:17:41
Huh? Did you think you were at Poly?

MOBIUS
01-10-2009, 12:18:45
:lol:

It would fix the problem, no?

Funko
01-10-2009, 12:23:53
What problem?

A source of entertainment for us would be gone. And Japher's job would be a bit more boring.

MOBIUS
01-10-2009, 12:25:47
Of course! What a spoilsport I am...:(

Japher
01-10-2009, 13:09:03
And Japher's job would be a bit more boring.

A lot more boring. She spent the majority of the afternoon yesterday putting up posters in the back room no one goes in. The posters were the labor law and fair wage law ones that almost every company displays somewhere. She spent a long time "reading" the one on workers comp... She has told me that her plan is to go on long term disability and then government disability in lieu of retirement. Not sure if that's lazy idiot or perfect genius.

King_Ghidra
01-10-2009, 13:37:58
definitely genius

MOBIUS
01-10-2009, 13:39:37
Definite genius, as they have a habit of telling people their master plans before they are defeated.

I can't believe she admitted that to you...

Japher
01-10-2009, 16:49:16
KG is probably the first person to accuse her of being smart. She talks too much about things she shouldn't. She has even ratted herself out before.

Caligastia
01-10-2009, 17:21:16
Maybe she's smart like an idiot. Kind of like being crazy like a fox.

Japher
09-10-2009, 12:42:56
Yesterday she I heard the copier jam as it was printing off a crap load of paper. I wasn't sure if I printed something so I go out to check on it and it jammed because there was about a ream of paper of the load out tray. I look at the paper and it has a name, an address, and a phone number of someone on it... all of them have it (not the same one, but just three lines of personal information). I go out to her and let her know her printing jammed because she needs to clear the load out tray more often. I also ask why she is printing out one name and address per page. She tells me she's making labels for Christmas cards. I say, "that's great, but why are you printing reams of paper to make labels?" She tells me she needs to put their names into the label file and that was easier than looking in the contacts file (Outlook). I tell her she's wasting a ton of paper because she can't be bothered to tile windows, shameful. And, I walk away.

She ended up printing about another 200.

Dyl Ulenspiegel
09-10-2009, 14:27:50
KG is probably the first person to accuse her of being smart. She talks too much about things she shouldn't. She has even ratted herself out before.

Some smart people have the habit of switching off their brain completely when at work. So they look like complete retards, but only at work.

Maybe she accidentally switched her brain back on for a second.

Funko
09-10-2009, 14:29:36
Hey Japher!

Japher
09-10-2009, 14:30:44
:bouncmsk:

Funko
09-10-2009, 14:35:02
poly

mr_B
09-10-2009, 14:36:22
:lol:

Japher
13-10-2009, 20:14:49
One my coworkers was off last week and spent most of that time outside in S. Minnesota. So, he came back with a pretty nasty cough. Secretary has started to fake a cough. It's real obvious, and real annoying. I wonder if her sick days got renewed, or else this could be the last we see of her all week. Which wouldn't be a bad thing.

Caligastia
17-10-2009, 03:00:04
I'd tell you about what an asshole my boss is, but I don't want to be typing for the next 3 hours.

Japher
05-11-2009, 16:17:01
I heard her read the other day, so that theory is busted. Still, it was about at a 5th grade level, maybe. She was sounding out words, and it didn't seem as there was any understanding being gained by the reading. Horrible.

Also, her skills with MSWord is borderline non-existent too, I found out. I asked her to unbold a word as I was standing there and she didn't know what "unbold" meant and then instead of unbolding it, after I told her what it meant, she pasted some random crap in over it... wtf?

Immortal Wombat
05-11-2009, 19:19:09
to be fair, "unbold" isn't a word, ctrl-b and ctrl-v are right next to each other, and your stong manly presence can be quite distracting.

Caligastia
05-11-2009, 22:28:00
Define "stong".

Funko
06-11-2009, 09:11:44
to be fair, "unbold" isn't a word, ctrl-b and ctrl-v are right next to each other, and your stong manly presence can be quite distracting.

:lol::lol:

Provost Harrison
06-11-2009, 16:12:36
Define "stong".

Hybrid of "stinking" and "pong", ie, Japher fucking stinks :p

Japher
06-11-2009, 20:16:42
She just did something foul in the bathroom... My office is between the bathroom and her desk and she walked by... oh, boy. I had to go get the spray from bathroom and spray the office down.:gasmaske::brwncard:

Japher
06-11-2009, 20:25:40
Oh God, she just went back in... she spends a lot of time in there.

JM^3
06-11-2009, 20:50:12
She needs privacy?

J

Caligastia
06-11-2009, 21:51:20
Hybrid of "stinking" and "pong", ie, Japher fucking stinks :p

:lol::lol::lol:

Caligastia
06-11-2009, 21:51:45
Oh God, she just went back in... she spends a lot of time in there.

Are there any women that don't?

Provost Harrison
07-11-2009, 01:48:58
Are there any women that don't?

A good point :D

DaShi
08-11-2009, 22:44:29
A lot more boring. She spent the majority of the afternoon yesterday putting up posters in the back room no one goes in. The posters were the labor law and fair wage law ones that almost every company displays somewhere. She spent a long time "reading" the one on workers comp... She has told me that her plan is to go on long term disability and then government disability in lieu of retirement. Not sure if that's lazy idiot or perfect genius.

That's what my dad did until he went stircrazy.

Provost Harrison
09-11-2009, 01:15:54
Sponging workshy bitch methinks :D

Japher
09-11-2009, 13:34:02
Still doesn't answer the question.

She's not in today. Apparently she has a dad, and that dad had a heart attack. I'm in disbelief. This lady would have ran out of relatives by Senior year of high school, with the amount of excuses she makes.

DaShi
09-11-2009, 19:25:51
This kind of reminds me of when a lab I worked at hired the son of an investor as a lab tech. However, I wouldn't call him incompetent, more naive and inexperienced. He came in wanting to change everything in the lab.

I believe that his first brilliant idea was to convert and old office into a "reading" room. He was obsessed with the idea of the lab having a hammock. Anyway, he kept talking about it, but no one really took it seriously. Eventually he bought a hammock himself and began installing it into the abandoned office. Unfortunately, this office is across the hall from the office that our university liaison uses when she visits to assest our finances and whether we're following university regulations. Needless to say, she wasn't too pleased to see him nailing a hammock to the wall.

Unlike Japher's receptionist, he was quite good with technology, but just didn't seem to know what good technoloy was. He became enamored with any new equipment that was made fancy to appear "state-of-the-art." He tried to convert us to electronic notebooks and even brought a vendor to come and give us a sales pitch, but that didn't take. Then he bought these electronic pipetors with digital displays. We had to return all of them because they either were accurate or precise enough, I forget which.

Despite all this, his strong suit was that he was a people person. Very outgoing and easy to talk to. I'm sure with more experience he'd do well in business and other such fields, which is what he really wants to do. However, I think he suffers from Addison's disease because the stress of his job and failures eventually caused him to pass out regularly.

Japher
09-11-2009, 20:27:20
He sounded fun. At least he would take initiative.

My coworker... well, she couldn't spell initiative, even with spell check.

She did come in after all, about 30 minutes ago (no idea why). The phone hadn't rung all day, except when she called. Then, when she got up to go to the bathroom it rang. Just her luck; the one thing she could have done all day and she missed it.

It really is weird.

I like the hammock idea btw

MDA
11-11-2009, 17:45:24
Looks like she just registered, Japh.

Japher
11-11-2009, 18:15:34
Oh, oh... she's discovered the interwebs!

Greg W
12-11-2009, 01:00:29
It's alright, it'll take her months to discover how to post...

Cheshire Cat
12-11-2009, 15:42:04
I like the hammock idea btw

I'd prefer a real ham to a mock one

Japher
19-11-2009, 20:31:25
She's in the bathroom crying, has been for the past 15 minutes. It's her 5th time in there today, which isn't out of the norm, but she isn't usually crying...

Her husband's company offered buy outs to those above him a couple of weeks ago, and then last Friday they announced layoffs at one of their larger offices in the area. She seemed to think he was bulletproof. We all thought it was a bad sign.

Not sure if that is what she is crying about, but I would think if it were anything else she'd just go home.

I'm a heartless bastard.

MDA
20-11-2009, 12:01:33
hand her a box of donuts and a tissue

Tizzy
20-11-2009, 12:07:51
Sod that, give the doughnuts to me

Japher
20-11-2009, 20:27:14
She just took out a loan to buy a truck to tow the trailer they cashed out her retirement fund for. They still haven't sold their old trailer, which was going to help pay for the truck to tow it. However, they have now decided sell the SUV they had, that apparently couldn't tow the trailer, to pay for the trailer.

They also paved a new pad for the new trailer and truck. And now, guess what guys, both trailers are up for sale. Anyone?

MDA
20-11-2009, 21:04:49
:lol:

Provost Harrison
21-11-2009, 04:52:13
Sound like fuckwits. Problem is, fuckwits seem to be reproducing more than non-fuckwits...

Oerdin
21-11-2009, 09:39:35
They also paved a new pad for the new trailer and truck. And now, guess what guys, both trailers are up for sale. Anyone?

Now that is awesome.

MDA
23-11-2009, 12:02:11
Sound like fuckwits. Problem is, fuckwits seem to be reproducing more than non-fuckwits...

Not guilty!

Also, if a fuckwit is who you are when you're alone, then there's not much chance of reproducing? :drekkus:

King_Ghidra
24-11-2009, 16:34:04
Welcome to our newest member, The Coworker

The Coworker has not made any friends yet

:D

Japher
30-11-2009, 17:52:45
Background: I'm a LinkedIN junkie. I'm an internet junkie. I created the LinkedIN page for my company and while not an open networker I LinkIN with almost anyone who sends me an invite, unless they are sketchy (like the guy from Saudi Arabia whose hobbies included amateur radio building and small arms smuggling). As a curtesy to others I turn off automatic updates so that people don't see who I am linking to automatically and they don't see me screwing around with my profile for no good reason. About a year ago Coworker was put in charge of building an online presence for the company, she has done nothing. She created a LinkedIN profile for herself, went to a meeting on networking, Linked in with me and two of my bosses, and has since forgot about the task in lieu of donuts and soda pop from Walmarts.

Today: She LinkedIN with an accounttemps representative. I wonder if she's looking for another job.