View Full Version : Away from theology

01-04-2009, 22:08:27
Into every day stuff :D

Right, what do you think about that "taking a break from eachother" when in a relationship?

I have never done it. It was always 110% full forward thrust untill it breaks.
Now me girlfriend said that there is toxicity (I like that word) between us and it maybe would be wise to take some time apart. If I wanted to.
Of course since it was proposed by another (than me) I didn't want to. Then I wanted to. Because I know it is the right thing to do, I just couldn't accept it when someone else says it you see. It had to come from me. Anyway.

I of course without admitting it, accepted. (Is there a reason she sometimes calls me "kid").

Which brings me to some other thought. All the others used to call me their MAN. She calls me kid. That's not good.
I said, if you think of me as a kid I might as well start doing childish things. Then she stopped calling me that.

Anyway back to the point of that "taking some time apart".
I think I get the base point of it. You detoxify yourself from bad thoughts. And you see more clearly your feelings towards the other person (that's gay stuff).

So what am I supposed to do now?

I guess to wait. Ok so I wait. Sometimes I feel happy (when other girls are hitting on me) and free and like wow I fucking escaped, on to new glories and catastrophies.

And other times (when I am lonely at night) I feel like I miss her very much and all the good things come to my mind like that she understands me, she is solid, she loves me... and I miss her a lot.

So we must wait I guess.

I hope that the deal is that we don't go around messing around and cheat. because the relationship is on freeze right? It's not like it is vanished.

Provost Harrison
01-04-2009, 22:28:38
Oh Lord give me strength...

02-04-2009, 11:14:16
what for?

02-04-2009, 11:16:39
Originally posted by paiktis
I hope that the deal is that we don't go around messing around and cheat. because the relationship is on freeze right? It's not like it is vanished.

No, there's an episode of Friends that's very clear on that point.

02-04-2009, 11:47:47
I've seen it. Ironically she said I was Ross (although I see myself more like Chandler) and I think she's Reichel (although she sees herself more like Monica).

02-04-2009, 12:03:19
Your relationship sounds crappy.

02-04-2009, 12:03:36
"here is the Bings' answering machine, you can talk after the bing" <BING!>

02-04-2009, 12:05:55
Originally posted by paiktis
she said I was Ross ... she sees herself more like Monica

So, you think you're Chandler and Rachel, while she thinks you're brother and sister?????????


02-04-2009, 12:06:38
BTW, I see myself as Tom Selleck


02-04-2009, 12:07:27
A shit actor with to much body hair?

02-04-2009, 12:09:12

02-04-2009, 12:39:46
Originally posted by MoSe
So, you think you're Chandler and Rachel, while she thinks you're brother and sister?????????

Well I was talking about how each one sees him/her self and how the other sees him/her. It was not in the context of dualities/couples.

Obviously she sees me as a bit more responsible than I see myself and I see her as a bit more "perky" than she sees herself.

She does consider me a part of her family though I think. Which constitutes a problem with me because I'm not terribly fond of her family (they're just not connected to this world) and of families in general.

As is the greek gagrene, her mother (which suffers from depression and is a sick, sick person) lives on top of her house. Her sister, which reminds me of a lamb, has not worked a day in her life and she is by all accounts, off the wall.

Father has abandoned them for good, had a second family somewhere and chose that second family.

So she is a bit at a difficult situation. And her past gives me or gave me reason to be a bit suspitious.

But it is the present that bothers me.

Her mother gave a house for free to her sister. But my girlfriend has to pay a lot of money each month on a home loan for her house.

Which is below her mother's.

Her mother also changed professions after retirement choosing the profession of my girlfriend in order to work together I think and I think that the house, the job change and all that are ways to keep her with her for all eternity.

She sees all that of course. But she has nothing else. As my father used to say you don't get to choose your family. Only your friends.

Anyway it is complicated. She is not happy and that manifests it self in small psychosomatic things.

On the other hand either I'm not ready to pull my own weight or I'm not sure about her because at the beggining I was let's get the hell out of this sick environment and she was like let's go!

Then friction developed between us and we embarked on a very antagonistic trip (jobs/friends/families etc) which really didn't do anyone any good.

I have fond feelings for her and she said she never loved before me (which are big words) but also for the first time I thought that maybe we could do something together, something with potential.
There is understanding between us but something got screwed up on the way and I wouldn't say that the road back to where we were is blocked for ever but that it hangs on the balance of us finding a balance between us.

And I don't think that can be done with the current setting.

02-04-2009, 12:51:43
Amazing stuff as usual. When/if you'll publish an autobiography you have a buyer.

Greg W
02-04-2009, 13:28:45
I'd say that a bit of space to get some perspective is a good thing. Just use it to evaluate things, as no doubt she is doing. And let her know in small way that you are thinking about her and do miss her. Basically, give her her space, but remind her every now and then via a quick call or an sms (I don't know what the bounds of "having some space" means) that she is important to you.

Well, as long as she is I guess, don't bullshit the girl if it's not true. ;)

And not too much, cos you're supposed to be having some space. Delicate balance to try and come to, letting her know you're there and missing her, and yet giving her some space.

Judging that is where you're on your own. :D

02-04-2009, 13:33:14
I can only say on this subject that i would never agree to do it.

Perhaps i'm overly conscious of power relations in a relationship, but consenting to such a thing just sounds like crypto-emasculation. What happens when she wants to call another? Are you the dancing monkey to her whims for the rest of your relationship?

02-04-2009, 14:50:49
Well I haven't really consented. In big part it's what I want to do too. Dancing to her tune is something that I can't do because I don't think that can make relationships work.

I have actually, because I'm rather impulsive sometimes, said some times that we have broken up.
She counts them and she said that it's been now three times that I have said we have broken up and that these times have been devastating to her.
The first two times she chased me the third she accepted but said she wanted to stay friends with me and never lose me.

I try to act smart here and being rather impulsive in my reactions that's difficult for me to do.
After the third time that we had broken up (these periods don't last more than one day) I said screw it, I'm going to get what I can get and just lay back and enjoy it.
However things didn't work out so well.

I see that she is in very very big part entrapped in her situation.
Her mother reminds me of a spider woman, waving her net and waiting for boys to be trapped there.

What I mean is this: her sister hasn't worked at all in her life. She has a relationship with a little guy I would call a "saint".

He goes there almost every other day and just hangs around with her and her mother (her sister also lives above the mother's house). He gives me the impression that he is like the house pet.
It's like her mother "lives" through her daughters and wants men to go there and be entrapped in her web.

My girlfriend, which mind you is far more worthy than any of the other two (works crazy hours etc, has money autonomy etc) seems to be completely at their mercy.

On the one hand she wants to escape (and has made attempts that I find almost unacceptable sometimes) on the other hand she seems completely abandoned to them at times.

Her mother used to adore me (what a great man, what great ethics, how much he loves my daughter etc etc).

Then get this. Our mothers marginally know eachother. When there was friction between my girlfriend and me her mother would call out of the blue my mother and complain!

Of course my mother would say "yeah right, bye". Although then she would call me and inform me.

That's kids stuff.

Also at first my girlfriend was amazed with my mother and she used to tell her everything and be very close to her. (I can see that, my mother has this knack of making people open up and also, no offence, she is way more solid and healthy than my girlfriend's mother).

Now as soon as her mother realized that, of course I do respect her as the mother of my girlfriend but I 1) have clear boundaries and 2) I do intend to take her daughter away from her, she changed her tune completely.

I became from the best guy in the world, to someone her daughter should abandon immediatly!

And here comes the beauty of it. My mother started picking up things of what was going on and whereas she was neutral to all this she now is rather sceptic.

My girlfriend acted childisly. When she saw that I was not interested in acquiring a new family she cut off contact with my mother whereas before she was trying to be her best friend.

My mother just laughed about it but started sensing something was going on that had a sickening pathology.
She says that my girlfriend is entrapped there and only I can helpe her get rid of all that and that my girlfriend wants to get rid of all that.

But now I just don't know. Only the thought of going back there at that spider house makes me feel a bit sick. And although we have come very very close to eachother, spititually, erotically what have you, the whole deal, I just don't see that there is a way to break that circle.
And after all maybe she doesn't want to.

02-04-2009, 15:14:33
Anyway there's other stuff too.
Her mother letting strangers (immigrants mostly) live in her appartment, persuading the daughter to do the same.
Things that go against common sense.
And there's this atmosphaire of them being "saints" that help other people and want depserately to be recognized as mother teressas. Watcing sick films of boys raping boys in some arab country and saying this is life ( - oh fuck off!)

The word I'm looking for is sick. And those things don't change because we would change a house.

So, on to other stuff.

Provost Harrison
02-04-2009, 20:52:46
Originally posted by MoSe
"here is the Bings' answering machine, you can talk after the bing" <BING!>

"Iiiii'm dreaming of a whiiiiite Christmas"...etc, etc.

Greg W
03-04-2009, 02:31:12
Hmm, well there's a slightly different spin on things.

One thing you do have to realise, you can't save her from her family. She has to want to do that herself, and has to ask you if you're to help. You jumping in and helping without invitation won't help and will probably only lead to problems.

Also, nobody should dance to anyone's tune in a relationship. If it's not a meeting of equals, then I'd run like hell.

You do seem to attract the odd ones though. I wonder if it's somehow something subconscious, that you look for people with pasts/families/relationship issues as troubled as yours?

Anyways, not that I am in any way a psychologist... :cute:

04-04-2009, 01:36:13
Greg thanks for always replying seriosuly to my threads.

I don't think I attract girls with troubled histories... I mean what is troubled history?
What is a good family and what is a bad family?
I grew up without any tensions and in a house fullof love and support. What is that? Is that problematic?

Then for some time I did try to find out who my father really was, why he has abandoned me etc.

I did change... psychologically from all that. But that was a journey I had to take. It was not a choice, it was a necessity.

Now I'm finally starting to get back where I started and seeking that thing from my relationship. That is a calm, trustworthy, loving environemnt. That's who I am. That's where I grew up in. These things don't just vanish into thin air.

I think I've done my "circle" of infuriating, hatred, lashing out whatever. Ok. I wanted to see what my father really was like.

Now I feel more relaxed, more focused more down to earth. Back to my basic foundations.

Less bitter, less angry less lashing out.

I have a feeling that my next relation would be with a girl that shares not only these qualities but that also has grown up in them. Like I did.

A friend has said that the real journey is coming back to where we started and seeing the whole thing like it was our first time. I'm very close. I feel it.

Greg W
04-04-2009, 02:07:54
No worries at all. I know what the need to vent is like at times, and unknown people can be a great release. Especially as you don't have to face them the next day. :D

More just that most of the girls you tell us about seem to have some fairly major issues is all. And I guess I kind of projected your father issues a bit further back than what they went, but your recent past has certainly been turbulent. Traumatic perhaps? Or of course that's just from reading too much into your posts here...

Maybe just recently, trying to see what your father has been like you had been looking for the wrong sort of girls? Don't know, it was just a passing thought really.

One thing I have learned too. Single women at my age (37) are usually single for one of a few reasons (yes, gross oversimplification I know). Either some arsehole has done the dirty on them, or abused them or just generally treated them like shit and left them in a state where they don't want to trust men again. Or they're not the type of lady that men would want to settle down with - left on the shelf as it were.

And yes, that's a vast generalisation, and I am sure there's a lot of women out there that don't fit that mold. The hard part is finding them, picking out the good ones from the bad.

Cos, basically, the good ones are mostly taken. So, good luck finding the right one. Don't know what your age group is (I have the impression somewhere early 30s but could be wrong), bus good luck.

One thing I did learn too. Don't try too hard to find it, or you'll end up getting the wrong lady because you want it too much. Just relax and be happy in yourself, and then something will come along. Quite possibly because you'll be subconsciously putting off a vibe that you're ready, but not desperate.

And I guess, don't stress too much about her having the correct past. What matters is who she is now, not who she was back then or how she grew up. Yes, if her past impinges on her present then it can be an issue (it sounds the current girl may fit this), but if they have moved on, then it's not so important.

But then, I think you knew that anyway. :)

Lazarus and the Gimp
04-04-2009, 07:20:49
So you're currently seperated from a nutty girl with an overly-intrusive nutter family?


04-04-2009, 08:34:32
Remember to take a dump first though.

13-04-2009, 21:36:40
Well, I resolved in not calling her and things just slided out into oblivion. I don't have craving for her or anything else. I suppose it was not meant to be and that I made that really clear before I took the distance from her. And then split.
My recent past was indeed turbulent. Anyway I have resolved in not drinking and that has given me back control. A good and a bad thing. But anyway it is easier that way.
What happened to me I think is that I (not intentionally) tried to become my father (drinking, instability etc etc - although I never got violent) like if I could "run him though my system" I could somehow exorcise him from me.
This metamorphosis has lasted 3 years now and I'm really fed up with it. And yes I'm sure my relationship with my father (be that real or imaginery) affected hugely my "romantic" life. There's certaintly a huge connection there.
But I'm fed up with it and I now I want to relax and just get back to who I am. Who I was before. I mean I will certaintly take with me a lot of things that have happened these past years. I'm not the same person I was before. But I will leave the bad aspects behind. It's a road to nowhere really.
Besides I think we all know if a girl maybe is meant for us and when it is something to pass the time or have a thrill so to say. Or maybe we don't know and we find out on the way.
Anyway, I'm again on the "free market" and have a lot of potential girlfriends but this time I think I'm going to wait for a little while because I have singled out one that I think will be different.
I mean I can just go ahead and barge in into some other girl but I prefer to be alone (for a little while) than go through it again and again and again. For the first time maybe taking some time will do me good.
I disagree a little bit on the 37+ girls having something wrong with them and they're alone. For example you can say that in my age group which is early thirties all girls want to get married, or want to have kids. It depends. Some do some don't and even those who do they have entereily different levels of tolerance to which they would succumb in order to get married or have kids.
It's all relative I think.
One of the happiest couple I happen to know got married at 40 years old. They have a baby boy now and they're quite happy. They were together for a year before that. They say that life "held" what was good and what was worthy for all those years and then it gave it all together at once...

Greg W
14-04-2009, 01:56:59
As I said, it was a generalisation. Just seems to be I meet all the nutty ones. :o

They're out there I am sure, it comes down to finding them. Time alone is good, to a point. As I once advised a friend of mine, you can't enter into a relationship until you are happy within yourself, otherwise you'll be looking for that in a potential partner that will make you happy. And that kind of reliance isn't a good thing.

And I guess the most important thing is remembering that you don't have to be your father. Seems you have discovered that, which is a good thing, you just have to lice it now. :)

15-04-2009, 21:42:24
Originally posted by Greg W
As I once advised a friend of mine, you can't enter into a relationship until you are happy within yourself, otherwise you'll be looking for that in a potential partner that will make you happy. And that kind of reliance isn't a good thing.

Greg check out Sil Silversteirn's "the piece that's missing meets the big O". I translated from greek so maybe the original title is different. That was one of the favorite books of my ex - girlfriend. (I do come across beautiful and full people, not stable but hugely interesting).

Anyway find it and read it. It has everything to do with what you stated. When and if you read it I will tell you what I think about it.
It is about wholesomeness, and the journey to self completion and (the point I disagree with) a healthy relationship.

I think that self improvement, self realization, self completion and wholeness is a myth. I don't agree with what is maybe generally accepted that one has to be whole to be with someone. I believe that people are imperfect by nature and that self improvement is masturbation (to state something from fight club).

We will always have a piece that's missing we will never be full and complete circles. Two full circles may travel together but they will never be one.

You admire someone for his/her's strengths but you love him/her for his/her's weakness.

And I guess the most important thing is remembering that you don't have to be your father. Seems you have discovered that, which is a good thing, you just have to lice it now. :)

Yeah I suppose... although the speed with which all this has happened was intoxicating and I do risk a relapse. Generally high emotions, strong emotions are very intoxicating. I'll try anyway. At least not to screw my life up as he did.

Greg W
16-04-2009, 02:31:31
Er, I meant "live it now", not "lice it now". :cute:

Oh, I wasn't trying to say you had to be complete. Just happy within yourself. If you're miserable by yourself and you need the other person to feel happy, then that's the bad I was talking about. May not have explained it very well there.

It's just more that to enter into a relationship and build a healthy foundation for a future together, you have to be fundamentally happy with who you are. If you're not and are looking for someone to help fix the bad things in your life, that's when I think it can lead to dependancy and dominance within a relationship.

And again, that's not to say we have to be complete without someone else. We just have to be happy and secure in who we are as a person.

Never read any books on this stuff (or anything to do with philosophy, psychology or related themes), this is all just from my own experiences and observations, about myself and some friends of mine and our searches for someone else.

16-04-2009, 21:56:41
I think I agree with that. To feel and be happy and secure with ourselves in order to be in good foundations with someone else. Some people just have been handed a much greater pain and task in coming to this self happiness and self security. I think I agree with that.

16-04-2009, 23:13:42
Are you still talking about this shit?

17-04-2009, 16:12:39

17-04-2009, 19:00:15
yeah yeah still talking about that shit.
And tomorrow I'
m going to meet my fathyer and all his family. Yers in aigina. So, I'm fairly drunk but I want to have a recollection of what I was thinkin before I embark on this trip.

I WILL tear down all totems. I will see truth for whatr it is even if it destroyes the today me

17-04-2009, 19:02:23
So I'm going to meet him. And I don;t care about mothers, or girlfriends or families. ALthough yeah i care about my family but i'm going to see my father nevertheless and spend pasha with him and his family. I will fucking do it. I hope I will. What is there to gain? I met my fair share of women and black vipers floating in my mind but I have I have I have to see him. Hvae to gto there even if it destrpyes me... it will destrpoy me...

17-04-2009, 19:04:14
and the epitaph is floating inj the streets of athens and i will take alexandros and see him. i will exorcise him from my head he will no longer be that fearful monster. i will see him and have the great ressurection with him and his family. and maybe then i will agree that i'm nothing so special and maybe i will settle down. god, i hope i don';t lose myself. i like myself, and my potential

17-04-2009, 19:05:23
i want to see my half sisters being normal and not being like me.

17-04-2009, 19:06:46
what will this entail?
you know, because everyone up to now wanted to save me.
so fuck that.
i'm going there and fuck all that shit. I'll fuck them all downm there in aigina. Noithing will get solved. Nothing wi;ll ghet changed. Maybe I don't go.
Maybe I cast them all in oblivion.

Or betrter yet I go and I have full control.

17-04-2009, 19:11:31
i'll go and have full control

17-04-2009, 19:12:06
with 2 litres of ouzo! ha!

i think my father will probably protect me from myself... yes i think he will

17-04-2009, 19:13:24
his wife no. his chidlren... i don't know... i have to see my siblings for what they are. if they are trucvk drivers them fuck them .
i have to see what my half blood is.

yes. and then fuck it all. if i want to get drunk i will. i will not be the good son.

17-04-2009, 19:18:15
i will go there to extinguish all fear

17-04-2009, 19:23:02
let's have a diary of what went on so i can get back to it.

_ hi dad


_ where are you?

_in aigina

_ how long will you stay there?

_untill monday, tusday

_i will come, of course if i'm invited

_(trembling voice) have you no shame? to tell such things?

_so how do i come there?

_you take the ship alexandros. not any other. it will get you to saint marina

_saint marina? is that in aigina?


_do you have internet?

_not right now

_alright when will you come?

_maybe tomorrow maybe i have to gather my courages

_yes, you take alexander ship and you come here

_ is it so easy?

_easier than that. it's easier than what you think

_maybe i'll come

_wish that you would come. you call me from saint marina, i'll come and get you

_i'll come if i'm welcomed

_how can you say such things?

_maybe i'll see you tomorrow

_i'll be happy if you came here

_maybe i'll see you tomorrow

17-04-2009, 19:24:53
alexandros. the son of philip and olympia.

He told me. Not to pursue my right as son of many children's father.

You are in the court of macedonia. You are alexandros. he said. isn't it obvious that my second wife will try to murder you

17-04-2009, 19:29:06
she can try all she want.

with some ouzo on my side and my father on my side she can try

do i hold back or not

17-04-2009, 19:30:47
he said, he said he said

but my last girlfriend's wife of her father... she did play a nasty trick on her

i must hold back i must not say any information.

how can this be?

i have to go there with my car

and get a hotel room

not to stay at their mercy

17-04-2009, 19:31:39
i have to have control.
untill the state says different.

i have to see th truth but at the same time protect myself

17-04-2009, 19:32:39
like ulysees i'll be tight at the mast and hear the sirenes. but there's no rope to tie me. not my mother, not any girlfriend. i'll go alone with no rope. and only I must tie myself to the mast

17-04-2009, 19:34:01
a mouth that must not be opened. even if it means ridicule

17-04-2009, 19:36:08
and my sanity at their (or is it my) mercy

17-04-2009, 19:37:42
i wish alexandors would ship out today. but it doesn't untill tomorrow morning. should i go to pireaus and wait? or consult my mother? pack my things. not any girlfriend. not now. just to go there. and see. not put anything in danger.
just to see.

17-04-2009, 19:38:28
to see their mangly montrous faces that they dared abandon a kid for 30 years.

17-04-2009, 19:38:54
my rage

17-04-2009, 19:39:17
is huge

17-04-2009, 19:40:12
it will consume them

17-04-2009, 19:40:51
and me

17-04-2009, 19:41:28
apothanato i psyche mou meta ton allothriskon

17-04-2009, 19:49:15
of course nothing will happen.

i think i'll go but i'll smell the scent of crysanthemes

17-04-2009, 19:53:41
i have to be comsposed.

do you let a lion smell a stake that's dripping with blood

17-04-2009, 19:54:13
only if the lion is full, and it's not. it's hungry

17-04-2009, 19:55:29
or do you become a golden buddha and slap th light's sun on their faces.

because christ you have chosen a different path.

17-04-2009, 19:56:11
which path?

the path of forgiveness. but it's all wrong. all wrong

17-04-2009, 19:58:34
i must not sacrifice myself

17-04-2009, 20:04:34
i don't know what to do

17-04-2009, 23:27:37
You might want to get checked out for OCD.

Greg W
18-04-2009, 02:18:21
I think he's just a young man battling with his demons.

I don't know what's best for you, Paiktis. Well, resolution obviously, but how to reach that...

My father walked out on me and my disabled brother (and mum of course) when I was mid teens. To be with my mum's best friend, who he was almost certainly having an affair with at the time, and if not then she'd certainly got her bait set to catch him beforehand.

As a kid, I was unaware of many of the things that had gone on around me. I didn't know about the supposed affair, or the many that had definitely gone on beforehand. At the time I wasn't even aware of the damage that it did to me, the scars that it left on my psyche that didn't appear until many years later.

And the older I got, the more I learnt, from friends of the family, from my mother and from my own observations. And the more I learnt that I quite simply didn't like him as a person.

The way my mother described it, to him cheating was as normal an occurrence as breathing. As shown by him once telling my mother that if she "ever decided to have an affair, he owed her a few." The same man that invited a girl and her boyfriend around to our place while I was still in diapers and lay on the floor with her draped across him while the boyfriend and my mother fumed.

Don't know how she put up with him for so long, I guess that having a disabled son meant she devoted her life to him and my father was secondary. Eventually after he tried to have my brother placed in a home without my mother's permission or knowledge and told my future in-laws that he wouldn't be contributing "even a single cent" towards our upcoming wedding, well, that was enough for me.

So I cut off all contact with him, and haven't regretted it since. Must have been a good 10 years ago now. From him I learnt to loathe cheating in a relationship and probably a lot of other things in terms of relationships and what it means to not be a good person (and thus to break the chain and be a better person myself).

I don't know if there is a moral to this story, other than that we can choose who to allow into our lives and what impact they have on us. We won't always understand the motives or morals of those around us, including our family. We just have to accept that they are who they are and that we are unlikely to change them. We just have to accept them for what they are and decide how much we will let them effect our lives.

19-04-2009, 23:46:03
Thanks for telling this. Well I am an "educated" man whatever the hell that means and I can tell you that these sort of things, I mean relationships with our parents hugely affect our love lives.

Do you remember a song by the doors "I'm the lizard king, I can do anytyhing"?

I feel like that sometimes. Anyway there is no sure way. There is no definite plan. Sometimes I feel we have to throw it all away you know. But since my mother is a child psychotherapist, I know how tough it can be for a family to have a member which has special needs. You feel that you are for life engaged in providing for that person. That's if you are a good person. I I think you are.

I am battling with my demons and there is no sure end. Anyway I didn't go there because I have everything arranged with the state you know, the right of a child of a family of many children. I wouldn't want to jeorpadize that.

Anyway you are solid Greg but you're never going to be "like other people", I mean whatever that is. Even if you look at Laz, from what I gather he had some serious issues with his mom's condition but he wasl lucky enough or I don't know "programmed" this way? to have aloving spuse and build a family.

I can say that there is no definit plan. Just stand on your own two feet, cherish and progress at your job (sometimes I feel that's really all I have you know... being respected for that etc) Job gives you money, gives you autonomy and then you can do what you want.

For sure there is no definit plan.

20-04-2009, 00:43:02
And anyway I will tell a very painful truth but that's the truth as I see it, for me.

Whatever happened happened you know. I know my mom or dad wasn't more responsible than me. Ok. I know my mom raised me all by herself. I know my dad abandoned me fair and square.

I know that all the relationships I've had were based on me and me alone.

I know all that. However there comes a time when the dark becomes quit when there're nothing else there and you feel the need to press against a father. And he's not there. So you lose your grip. Sometimes it's good. Sometime's you wish you hadn't.
But at the end of the day it all comes down to you. It would be great, terrific to have that backing, to know you can press against someone but unfortunately he's simply not there. Because you don't want to, because you're not allowed to... whatever.

But with each relationsip at leat I feel I'm getting closer and closer and closer... to what? being a whole person? I don't know. But closer to that end... whatever that means.

You lieve and you learn and whatever, that black hole in your soul, you're just have to patch it up yourself. We're hugely more attractive than other people. I don't know why. Maybe because we are our own men. Keep up that road. It will eventually lead you somewhere where hapiness is all yours. All yours. Based just on you.

20-04-2009, 00:53:16
Will there be reconciliation after that?

I think not. I think forgiveness is not for us. Only god if he exists. We just have to find our equal, worthy, versatile and mirror copy of ourselves. She's out there. I'm positive we have to stand on our two feet first. But also that she would have to complement us completely. Once this is done there will be no reconciliation with the past. Just a full thrust forward. And our self centerness will evaporate like think air in front of our children. I sincerely believe that. Some people have lived that at an earlier age some at a later. But it's a one way street really. The more we learn how to navigate ourselves the more closer we'll get to that road. And as I have found out life is full of surprises. You plan and god laughs. You go with the flow and you're almost there.
ANyway it's passover here so maybe some of what I say drifts to the metaphysical. But I sincerely believe that. Based on life.

I've tried to burn my life to the ground. There was an eagle flying, a flame still burning that didn't let me. That's a hand outstretched for someone. And there's a myriad of "applicants". Just make the best choice you can. The heart knows reasons that reason knows not. So follow that. That's what I tell myself anyway.

Greg W
21-04-2009, 02:18:49
Yeah, I tend to agree with a lot of that. Especially about me never being like other people. I'm speshal! :D


Don't worry, that's just Aussie humour. We love taking the piss out of ourselves sometimes too. :D

To be honest, I've never missed having a father to lean against, but we're all different in that respect. I think that needing to look after a disabled brother for much of my life has made me very independent. Perhaps too much so, I don't know.

For me, I have beliefs quiet similar to existentialism. We are (mostly) what we see and do, we are made form the things we experience in life. Thus we are in the end in control of who we are. We can't change those around us, but we can change how we react to them and how we allow them to effect us.

So, yes, go with the flow and live and learn. And try to become a better person from it.

Anyways, got to run off to work, worse luck.

30-04-2009, 06:39:56
Well I had developments.
I finally went to meet him.
It was ok. I guess. My half sisters are absolutely godesses. We are a handsome lot as it appears.

It's a very hard road but let's walk it. Let's find out that "other" family.

30-04-2009, 06:44:12
He IS a full blown alcoholic.
I feel jealous that my half sisters (the ones I saw from all his children) had a father.
I absolutely hate the fect that his wife estranged him from me, that he couldn't get himself composed so to be next to me.
I hate all that.

Most of all I don't like how all these things are flying around inside me and are not settled.

30-04-2009, 06:46:10
He loves me very much. But how much trust can you have on a person that's unstable as fuck. And that he has a viper of a woman... anyway.

The trip is not finished. I have yet and will see my half brother my oldest half sister and his fucking wife.

30-04-2009, 06:51:53
oh yes. and they are poor. He doesn't have a job. His wife supports them all.
I also met my little first cousine. She's fun.
Yeah. Anyway. Much poverty. Everything he has is from his mother.

I guess we can't judge.... everyone's hs had a tough time...

30-04-2009, 06:55:34
my half sister likes rock like i do. goes to concerts. she's cool. my other half sister is very suspicious i think. that's ok.
i have to see my little half brother who is taller than me 1.90 easily. spends a lot of time at his computer.

but that which enrages me is that none of these assholes had had to go through what i went. or maybe not?
who knows.

anyway there's something sacred in the relationship of father and son and everyone respects it.

you just if i could mellow out a bit. not be so judgemental. just to forgive.

30-04-2009, 06:57:46
for example iwas with this girl yesterday (not a big deal - just for fun) and she asks me if i have simblings (sister or brother)

what do i reply?

30-04-2009, 07:04:09
because i have grwon up as an only child. and what suddendly i have 4 simblings? which i never saw?

and ok, well there is a sense that started to develop spontaneously, like i am the oldest brother and sort of I don't know an immideate trust with my half sister (the one who is more like me in personality). anyway i asked my mother about that and she said that it's nature's way for simblings to feel that trust.

and my father said i should you know keep an eye on them.

i can't do that. they're strangers. but anyway they are my sisters after all in way.

fucked up situation. i hope but anyway that is too harsh to think.

30-04-2009, 07:49:05
Originally posted by paiktis
for example iwas with this girl yesterday (not a big deal - just for fun) and she asks me if i have simblings (sister or brother)

what do i reply?

The truth.

30-04-2009, 08:22:57
ie. I've got some half-sisters and a brother, but I only met them recently.

01-05-2009, 11:10:36
i have two problems with that.

1) I am an only child. That's how I grew up. And I don't know them almost at all.

2) If I say the whole truth, ie I have 4 simblings but I only met them recently I start up a whole conversation.... which I don't want to start at any rate... because I don't know how to keep myself composed.

I am or I was something and I am nomore... It's very very very strange.

anyway eventually I said that to the girl... she says i'm very interesting and I feel myself doing the same thing again. throwing myself at a pretty girl's embrace just to forget.

anyway we are having a good time.

but it's all up in the air, really and I don't know.

Immoral Wombat
01-05-2009, 11:22:04
Just give her one from me - that's all I care about!:)

01-05-2009, 11:39:40
i met her at a party and as it has become custom lately she started converation with me. we ended up going to some bar and we met again yesterday. i don't want it to go any further. i want to build rooots not to be wherever the wind blows.
my father said i can have any girl i want. i have these big penetrating eyes that can conquer anybody, he said.
but where that leads? again and again and again like a vicious circle.
then we have to give pleasure to ourselves.
anyway she's funny and pretty and makes me feel good.

01-05-2009, 11:46:11
oh and he has done his cheating around...
anyway today it's at another party with some other girls there.
just to have a good time. i'm not going to sit and cry my fate

Provost Harrison
01-05-2009, 12:16:35
There are a lot of people called "paiktis" posting in this thread :D

02-05-2009, 00:48:33
no just me!!!

it's unbelievable how your roots can define you. I'm thinking about that...

it's the best luck to find a girl that will stand by you.

the only time i was in love was with a girl that had burned her roots. is that coincidence?

she seemed so free. but a feminist. goddamn that ideology.

i have concluded that my instict works. i might have disproportinate reactions but my basic instict is right.

i just feel scared because the years go by and by and by

and i must do what i have to do.

and that is to sit against my other family all 4 members of it, against my father and against his wife and say my truth, as it is. And say that I have conquered the right of child of many children. and be composed and stand my ground.

because he has said a ton of lies to cover himself up.

i have (not to expose him) but to state my truth.

i have said to a cousine of mine that i didn't want to see my father and his family. that it would belike i'd go swim in a sea of vitriol.

i must swim that sea and come out of it.

02-05-2009, 00:51:41

02-05-2009, 00:57:59
oh yeah whole.

let's see what's the worse thing that can happen.

There's nothing that can happen really.

Even if they call the ministry they can't do shit. except make my moral assassination. but fuck that.

the lawyers have said that i should sit quit untill i take the oath in the ministry.

i have to be a very big realist here. I first take the oath and then i tell them.

One is an alcoholic. he loves me but he is very selfish. he knows it's his wife who supports him.

his wife has had a nervous breakdown. she can't be trusted. and she sees things from her own truth. that's ok.

the law is me. and stands by me.

but i'm just picking at straws here.

i must just be composed not expose myself. take the oath, then do whatever i choose.

first the oath, then the revelation.

02-05-2009, 01:03:48
yeah i will not live in a shadow anymore.

i will tell them fair and square.

untill i arrive there i have to have many girls.

i'll call the one i like more. and press it all the way

02-05-2009, 01:12:33
it's not like they can do shit even if i tell them now.

but i'll have stress going to the new job. i wouldn't know if his wife called the ministry and said whatever shit she might think up.

on the other hand i have a burning desire to go there and tell them and fuck it all really. absolutely everything all

02-05-2009, 01:17:21
in good time...

let's focus on the girl for now.
let's focus on good things. the lighten up acropolis, the flirt with the girls, dricing 120km at the peripheral. good things. let's live the moment.

and panathinaikos beat olympiacos at the european semifinals. so it's aaaal good

Greg W
02-05-2009, 03:40:15
Originally posted by paiktis
i just feel scared because the years go by and by and byYep, tell me about it. 37 years old, divorced twice and no kids. I am one of those men that really wants kids too, and while a man can have kids at any age, the older I get the younger the mother would have to be, relative to me.

In the end, whatever will happen will happen. I worried about it for almost 5 years after my divorce, and it drove me to the brink of depression. Now, as much as it pains me, I just let it go and accept whatever life throws my way. If it happens, it happens, if not, c'est la vie.

Provost Harrison
02-05-2009, 11:41:05
Well it looks like I'm shit out of look on that one myself. I'm not going into the details of it again, but I'm almost 32 and my love life has not improved. Looks like one area of my life I have to count as a write off.

02-05-2009, 12:57:43
can somebody summerise this thread?

Lazarus and the Gimp
02-05-2009, 13:09:31
People get maudlin and ramble.

Provost Harrison
02-05-2009, 13:19:35
Jesus, he was even starting to have me going for a minute there. Paiktis, get some fucking Prozac man!

02-05-2009, 16:14:53
the best advice i can give to someone who rambles on the internet is - stop drinking.

03-05-2009, 01:17:49
sound advice but currently unapplicable

nice phrase "maudlin". i had to look it up.

in any case, those were big days and i feel like i have nobody to tell it to. in all forceful honesty

besides i know something's wrong with me. it's like i seek perfection in everything. my dear image. so as not to break. anyway.

about that kid situation. on one hand i think that a kid would be the only thing that could make me think straight. then i say, i'm so unstable why bring anybody in the world.

but do you see the gypries. they have so many kids and they're not really unhappy. it's like mary go round situation.

then i really can't believe that a girl would ever be able to tolerate me. because i will never be able to trust her. or rather, it isn't an issue of trust. i get so easily bored. or maybe it's trust.

in any case if i ever had a kid i'd love it to be with someone who is really cut out for raising a family. i'll try and be a good father but in case we split i'd want to know my kid is in good hands.
only one girl filled that part. and funily enough i never said that to her. but i'd be calm if i had a kid with her.
stable. stood her ground. and family was running in her veins.

in any case, it's easy to find a girl, it's difficult to remain.

Greg W
03-05-2009, 03:42:48
Yeah, I was kinda thinking that you looked too much for perfection. In prospective partners, and also within yourself. I think you have to realise that you're not perfect and accept yourself for who you are. If there's things about yourself that you're not happy about, then change yourself, but don't rely on outside help or influences to make yourself feel happy.

Which I think is kinda what I have said before in some ways, but it's early.

I do think that you need to resolve exactly what you want out of your father and his "other family" too. I think that you know he's not going to be a reliable, stable figure in your life, so what are you after? Reasons for what he did? Absolution for your own feelings of guilt towards him and his influence on you? I'm not sure about just what your aims are, nor that you even really know yourself.

And what do you want from your half siblings? Do you want to become a big brother for them? Or just a friend? Or just to know them and how your father has effected their life, and maybe try and stop them being as messed up as you are?

I think that you feel you need something from your father, but I am not sure that you even know what it is. From the sounds of it, seeing him and them is breaking some kind of law? Doesn't sound good in that respect, I must say.

03-05-2009, 22:25:57
I'm not breaking any law. It's just that I have used a law that gives special privileges to the child of a parent with many children and my father didn't want me to use it.

I don't know what I'm seeking. Their "recognition" I guess or their "death" (inside of me).

Some knowledge perhaps... of how it was to have that man as a father?

to inflict them pain? by stating that i have used that law?

03-05-2009, 22:27:00
somehow to make them pay for something though. for sure.
(not my half simblings)

03-05-2009, 22:28:43
or to just reach an inner point isnide of me that I simply reconcile myself with what has happened. (ie my father abandoning me and building another family).

i just can't accept that a man can act so irresponsibly and threaten whoever he wants and get away with it.

03-05-2009, 22:29:55
but i do want to get to know my half simblings. just to be around.

03-05-2009, 22:31:41
also since my father has terrorized me my whole life to "defeat" him...

though i saw him so fragile and i don't care anymore so much.

03-05-2009, 22:33:17
i guess what i'm looking for is some inner peace that i am positive he stolen it from me. from a certain point on maybe i'm using him as a scape goat. i don't really care. on one hand i have a wish to hurt him and on the other hand i have a wish to "have a dad".

03-05-2009, 22:34:53
it's like i have shadow hanging over me and i want to shake it.

03-05-2009, 22:39:26
i'm not sure how

Drake Tungsten
03-05-2009, 22:42:22
I think coming out of the closet would be a positive first step. :)

Drake Tungsten
03-05-2009, 22:45:42
I see myself more like Chandler

If this isn't a sign of latent homosexuality, I don't know what is.

03-05-2009, 22:48:46
I wish the best for you paiktis. But you definitely do seem to have father issues that it might be best to see a professional about.


Provost Harrison
09-05-2009, 12:53:10
farther issues or father issues? Or perhaps a bit of both? ;)

09-05-2009, 12:56:27
Shit on her. If she comes back for more then you know it was meant to be.

09-05-2009, 20:28:19
Originally posted by JM^3
I wish the best for you paiktis. But you definitely do seem to have father issues that it might be best to see a professional about.


Thank you.
I do and I have and I want to try and get rid of all that. But how exactly is a big question.

To tell you the truth I feel a little bit angry that my half sisters or noone really called me.

It's like they wait everything to come from me.
And I'm so sick and tired of acting like a victim.

If it was clear cut, i.e. my father would shut down the door then it would be liberating. But it's always half measures, half love and half threats and I don't know.

Maybe Greg has found a much more serious approach to the whole thing.

Now my mind has kind of shifted from my father to my half simblings. I can't categorize this relationship.

And I was out with a girl I really really liked (which increases the stress) and I didn't know you know that she would want to go out with me and then she proposed to do it and I was like... wow, I din't know I could hit that high. But it's all about self confidence.

Then I start telling her all these and she was sympathetic but it was like I with my own hands dug the ground underneath my feet. When we started talking she asked my if I have sisters/brothers and I said yeah 4 and after some time she asked me how are they called and I didn't remember at first and she was like come on...
And I was like... I din't know stumbling too quickly on my truths.

And she is THE league you know, the top league at the newspaper. Cool rock girls that make you explode in your pants. And I had no idea that I could aim so high but I can and then I fell apart. And it fucking has something to do with this situation I'm going through.

I can't get my story straight, I don't know what to say and more importantly what to believe and it tears me up.

09-05-2009, 20:38:05
and whereas i was the cool tall impenetrable motherfucker that had taken this hot rock chick to the concert and instead of listening to the concert we were talking and everyone was looking at me and my girl was saying my name again and again and I was so cool then thoughts started entering my mind when the talk moved on to personal things.

like you know if i indeed had 3 sisters i'd be the older brother for them and i would be different. like more protective more serious.

and what kind of brother doesn't even remember automatically the names of his sisters? of course i only saw them once but still. and it wasn't like i didn't remember i made it appear so.

that makes me a bad person.

whereas if i was to cool only son i'd know who i was and i'd have the deal sealed.

it hasn't gone but and in a way i feel liberated to have said the truth but... i don't know.

i was soemthing and now a little rat is eating inside my core foundations and trying to replace it with something else. whereas god knows i only want to have fun.

09-05-2009, 20:42:12
i mean like out of the blue i started talking about my younger brother whom i never saw saying he's taller than me and shit like that. like there is no direction to my thoughts.
still we were 5 hours with the girl and maybe i was a bit more autious cause we work together and somehow my mind played games to "stop" me from going all the fucking way. who knows. but i'm getting dead tired of all this. i should pouish it all the way and see everybody from that other family and tell them they can call me whenever they want. if they need help or something like that. i'm the older brother i feel deep inside me that it is what i must do.

09-05-2009, 20:44:53
when somebody needs my help i become a totaally different person. even my father has said that he feels secure when i'm around.
but what kind of person doesn't get along with his sisters and brothers? a bad person.
i feel my guilt for my father abandoning me being passed on to my brothers and sisters. and I don't want to act like my father. i want to be there for them if they need me.
why not. just to say it.

09-05-2009, 20:51:34
like hi how you're doing... and if they have a question about i don't know whatever cause they're young and incredibly beautiful and they'll end up with all the clowns if they don't know to bust some balls. and i don't know what that viper of wife has said to her little son (and i respect totally the relationship of mother - son) i'm never going to badmout her in front of my brother but he's 14 and he has an older brother he can count on if he wants to. not be afraid of him as maybe he has been taught.

09-05-2009, 20:54:33
or i revert back to my old self. only child fuck you all.

09-05-2009, 20:55:53
altough i'd want to try and be a brother.

09-05-2009, 21:05:57
and it's not like myh father doesn't get eaten up by all this.
i've said i'd go, i didn't go and my father ended up in the hospital.

09-05-2009, 21:08:19
it's like we meet and get along for our father but we want to do it too because there is a craving for one another. we are blood after all.

09-05-2009, 21:10:45
but if his fucking wife tries to say anything to me I'll very politely burry her. i'll keep in mind she's the mother of my brothers, so I won't erupt.

09-05-2009, 21:13:47
i was talking to a friend today, she has one of the hardest lots in life. not only his father abandonded her but also her mother. they both got married other persons and had two more girls.

She can't even claim the right of family of many children. 'cuase there's no parental anchor. so screw it all really.

i have my answers ready if anyone cares to ask the questions.

but still and still and still my dad betrayed me at the first time.

o fuck it.

it feels much more comfortable to be who i was all those years. and yet i don't really care about it anymore.

09-05-2009, 21:15:32
i went to work the other day after i met them and for the first time i was with the feeling that i had a dad next to me. lasted only one day. but it was earthshattering.

09-05-2009, 21:18:50
or i play the ultimate card. i go there with my mother and meet that other family. let's get it all out in the open. but we're all going to be polite and bullshit fakers.

maybe I'll just find a again a girl that has burned her roots and do the same and not screw it up this time. the only time i felt happy in my life.

09-05-2009, 21:19:36
bonnie and clyde

Provost Harrison
09-05-2009, 22:55:50
Sorry Counterglow, I should never have bumped this thread. Now look what has happened :(

10-05-2009, 05:12:44
Aye, twas a shit thing you did.

Greg W
10-05-2009, 11:01:54
Originally posted by paiktis
I can't get my story straight, I don't know what to say and more importantly what to believe and it tears me up. Well. Briefly, you are who you are, and you are in the position you are in and you shouldn't be ashamed of it. If someone asks, it's up to you how much you tell them, but start with the truth. Yeah, it's complicated, but so is life, really.

You may or may not want to tell them how much this all worries you, but be honest about your siblings and your father's second family. In the situation with the girl you were in, tell her you have 3 half-sisters and a half-brother by all means, but back it up by telling her that you have only met them a couple of times, and you're all trying to work out what kind of relationship you are all going to have.

What I would suggest, if it were not going to be very difficult to work out, is to sit down with your siblings and explain that you want to have a little brother and little sisters, but because you've barely met them, you don't know where to start. But that if they ever need you, you'll be there for them, cos family is something you believe in and they are your family.

Dor yourself, don't worry so much about deeply analysing what you want, just start with the idea that you want to be their brother and see where things go. Worrying will only make things harder for you all.

I would suggest not taking your mother there. That will in all likelihood really screw things up. It won't be pleasant for your mother, your father, his new wife and likely for your siblings as well.

As for your father, I see it being very hard for you to find a positive resolution there. On the one hand you seem to really want a father figure in your life. But on the other hand you don't seem able to let go of the betrayal you felt when he left you. How do you reconcile those two things?

You need to accept him for who he is if you want him as a father. That means, flaws and all. You may never understand why he did what he did, but you need to get past the anger and betrayal you feel if you're ever going to have anything resembling a "normal" father-son relationship.

You also need to realise that regardless of what part your father and your extended family play in your life, you are still the same person. They don't define who you are, you do. They may influence you, they may or may not play a part in your life. But they're not the defining factor(s) in who you are.

11-05-2009, 08:30:49
Originally posted by Provost Harrison
Sorry Counterglow, I should never have bumped this thread. Now look what has happened :(

This is a valuable thread.

Greg W
11-05-2009, 13:53:15
It's one of the few with posts in it after all.

Provost Harrison
11-05-2009, 20:17:43
Yeah, but 99% of them are by paiktis...

Greg W
12-05-2009, 01:10:01
This place has always been about quantity over quality...

12-05-2009, 07:57:13
But Paiktis is the best poster. So this has it all.

Greg W
12-05-2009, 13:02:18
Indeed. :beer:

16-05-2009, 23:12:36
Thanks for the compliments. I'm just tired of faking it. When it hurts, I speak about it and I try not to use metaphors or transfering it to another topic.
I try to say what hurts me and try to find where that tangled up thread that's in my mind begins and where it ends.
I try to do that without stop living.
I agree that just thinking about it will only make it worse. Sometimes though I feel I need to put my thoughts in order 'cause they very often seem to go ahead of me.
Well my dad did call. I didn't reply and I felt like I was cornerned. During that whole day I was emotioannly shit and physically paralyzed. Is that a characteristic of post traumatic disorder?
Who knows.
Anyway I decided to just relax not go out. Just hang around. As a result I gave my everything to work. That means living off work. Everything goes there and there's pseudo of everything. Pseudo hatreds, pseudo relationships, pseudo anything. Luckily we are professionals enough to get the work done. Oh of course quality has gone up 100%.

Anyway the next day dad called again. I sent an SMS saying I don't want to speak to you now. If I want to, I'll let you know.
Thankfully he respected that.

Then I reverted back to being the good son of my mother, Which is suffocating of course. In my quest to find a girl that would be "serious" I let it slpi that I fancy someone from a very friendly family of my family. My mom rushed to fulfill my request (I think she dies to see me "well" not getting involved in screwy relationships)

But to tell you the truth I GOT BORED.

I'm not part of the "holy family" any more (which is a work by engels and marx, very interesting btw).

And that family is very polite and all the children are very well brought up and blah and fuck it. I need something much more "dirty" than that by now.

16-05-2009, 23:15:26
Happy people with no problems. BORING.

Provost Harrison
16-05-2009, 23:17:01
Shit, it's starting again!

16-05-2009, 23:18:41

Provost Harrison
16-05-2009, 23:19:26

Provost Harrison
16-05-2009, 23:19:48
Sorry, I thought this was "Word Association" for a minute there...my apologies...

16-05-2009, 23:20:53
Well not really starting again because I'm not in any emotional vortex now. I could even throw in a joke or two.
Just FUCKING ANGRY because that guy from that family called and I didn't want to go out oh yeah and then some cool friends I got called too. And I said to the first guy right, let's go out because I thought He'd bring his sisters with him (one of whom I kind of find ok). But he didn't. He's a nice guy and thank you very much but I could have arranged swomething hugely more thrilling that saturday night.

16-05-2009, 23:21:31

16-05-2009, 23:33:01
the time I got out with them three was because I had my eye on his sister. Of course I was extra polite to all (plus families know eachother) but he kept talking and the girls just sat there and were laughing to whatever I said. And ok. I don't need a friend I need a girlfriend.
Did the signals got mixed? He's a cool polite person whom I respscte but he's younger than me and kind of sees me as his guru of some sort.

But I can't have an honest conversation with him because if I start telling things he'd realize there are 3 girls I play with at this time and I want to be with his sister. So I can't be honest. I can be helpful to him of course if he wants my advise. But it will be like my little cousin to whom though I have no problems being honest about my erotic escapades while at the same time pushing him forward with the girls.

16-05-2009, 23:38:12
Plus being with his sister... what the thell does that mean? I know the family, and I know she's pretty and does really seem like a stable person.... but it's too... religious school.
Plus my grandmother found out I fancied her and explicitely fobid me to do anything.
"They are inocent, excellent, untouched (sic) girls. You're wild."

16-05-2009, 23:39:37
You'll mess it up one way or another and the great decadesw old relationship of our families will be desotryed because of it. SO do with other girls, not them. SOmeone we don't know.
clever woman

16-05-2009, 23:41:54
I respectfully comply

Provost Harrison
16-05-2009, 23:43:56
I like your honesty. I was once honest about my life like this on Apolyton and got my fingers burnt. I vowed I would never divulge personal information like this again.

16-05-2009, 23:47:02
Not think it's worth it anyway. Too suffocating and too slow.

16-05-2009, 23:48:07
Originally posted by Provost Harrison
I like your honesty. I was once honest about my life like this on Apolyton and got my fingers burnt. I vowed I would never divulge personal information like this again.

HOw did you get your fingers burned if you don't mind my asking?

16-05-2009, 23:56:38
Besides I'm not saying anything incriminating really. I really do respect them. From a point on this is my life I do whatever the hell I want and pay the consequences as always. It's not the ideas of a sweet intelligent caring but old woman who are going to push me away from something I want. I do hugely respect her but it's my choice not to get entagled in that. If I saw anything that would flicker like a jewel I'd go barging in like a bull on a glass shop.
I'm not saying the girl is not worth it. But it will be a long wait with too many people in between. I'd feel like I'm on a religious campus you know.
I might have been like them before but I am not anymore now.
I do respect them hugely and want them as my friends. Probably with my next girlfriend we could all hang out. They're terrific people really.

16-05-2009, 23:58:06
But shy.
I have long ago abandonded that destructive trait.

16-05-2009, 23:59:17
Time is running with blinding speed to just sit and wait and comform and hope and expect and whatever. If there's no action might smile and move on.

Of course there can be action if I want to, but takes some things that if I use them, in that particular setting, I might put some people in akward positions. Like, I get bored and I leave. My family will be very ashamed. Their family will be heartbroken and maybe angry. Like I have fooled them And I do really respect them to do something that I don't feel.

I could try to single her out make my intentions perfectly clear and see where it goes. But once I make myself clear I don't really wait. Then again, I don't know... she seems like a very good girl. I'm still a player. I couldn't really do anything bad. I'd feel very bad because my family hugely respects them and I respect her father, her mother, her simblings and her of course. I can't be playing there. It really isn't fair.
And I don't know of a way to single her out. I think she's so shy she'd freak out.

17-05-2009, 00:08:15
Of course she digs me like almost all do. But I just don't get that spark you know... Plus the times I saw them we were all families together and anyway. I can't and don't want to take responsibility.

Greg W
17-05-2009, 08:33:29
So on the one hand you want the girl with the stable family, happy within herself and with a good upbringing...

And on the other hand, you can't go out with a family friend who's just that for you?

I realise there's a lot more to it than that, but it does sound a bit odd. Do you want to settle down, or stay the person your grandmother thinks (or knows) you are?

Provost Harrison
17-05-2009, 09:18:46
Originally posted by paiktis
HOw did you get your fingers burned if you don't mind my asking?

Well I posted about my "absence" of a love life over there and for years and years over there I've had no end of sarcastic comments, jabs and crap like that. It's the kind of environment that Apolyton has why I very rarely post there any more...

17-05-2009, 20:20:36
Small wound really. I wouldn't be that worried about what some people say there but rather worried to do something about it. Get drunk, play a part and you got it. Or go see a prostitute. (I'd imagine it's legal).

17-05-2009, 21:22:02
Originally posted by Greg W

And on the other hand, you can't go out with a family friend who's just that for you?

That sounds terribly opportunistic I know. I have become very self centered. It's that indifined sense that there's imminent danger from anywhere anytime. It has to do with my father. And also that noone really cares about anybody but for himself.
Also because you know I can't trust myyself. I can't trust that I can be calm in any given situation. So I literally try too hard to make things happen before that black cloud returns. Because it always returns.
Anyway, yeah that sounded very opportunistic and self centered.
I have some ideas why I think like that. Anyway.

17-05-2009, 21:25:09
Originally posted by Greg W
Do you want to settle down, or stay the person your grandmother thinks (or knows) you are?

I want to be free. From all. And most of all from my fears and anger. I can't tolerate a myriad of things. I don't want to compromise. I'm very edgy and there's an accumulative speed for doing things maybe because I spent a long time just watching life go by.

17-05-2009, 21:28:01
And I'm very very pissed off at that.

Greg W
18-05-2009, 01:48:27
You know what, Paiktis? I think you need to realise that you can be whoever you want to be, and that your past cannot drag you down merely because it is your past. No matter who your father was or what he did to you, you have the choice to either follow in his footsteps, or take your own path.

No, it's not easy, but it can be done, and you're the only one that can do it. You're in charge of your own destiny and only you can decide what that's to be.