PDA

View Full Version : My New Career - Not Rearing Pigs


Resource Consumer
09-07-2007, 12:54:42
Rt Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State,
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA), Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR

9 July 2007

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for 3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this? My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was 1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any. If I get 3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get 6,000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about 240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about 2.4 million from your department.

Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases? Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current DEFRA advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above, you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

mr_B
09-07-2007, 12:59:33
:lol:

Drekkus
09-07-2007, 13:00:28
:lol:

Is this an EU sponsoring thing, or did you brits think this one up on your own?

Funko
09-07-2007, 13:02:38
:lol:

Debaser
09-07-2007, 13:08:26
:lol:

MDA
09-07-2007, 13:29:34
:lol:

MOBIUS
09-07-2007, 13:30:33
Definitely an EU thing.

Beats me why all the farmers vote UKIP in this country...:lol:

Funko
09-07-2007, 13:42:45
Is rearing pigs like rearing sheep? :funko:

C.G.B. Spender
09-07-2007, 13:44:30
He could feed his pigs with the crop our farmers get paid not to grow.

It's farming 2.0!

Funko
09-07-2007, 13:44:59
Can I get paid to not eat the pigs he doesn't grow?

C.G.B. Spender
09-07-2007, 13:48:24
No, you pay

Funko
09-07-2007, 13:50:09
If I eat them, is that free?

C.G.B. Spender
09-07-2007, 13:51:01
Only if your mum decides to retroabort you

Dyl Ulenspiegel
09-07-2007, 14:02:19
Good letter. :D

"My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for 3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs."

Just that I have a little doubt about this. That's one of the few sectors that have seen very little intervention from CAP. Cattle, on the other hand...

Lurker the Second
09-07-2007, 18:16:52
:lol: To think I almost missed this gem b/c of all the spam. Classic.

Scabrous Birdseed
09-07-2007, 18:20:09
As I understand it the CAP is next going to pour a lot of money into farmers not growing wine. Think about it! You could move to tuscany and earn money doing absolutely nothing at all.

Resource Consumer
09-07-2007, 18:28:36
Originally posted by Lurker the Second
:lol: To think I almost missed this gem b/c of all the spam. Classic.

Philistine - you do not appreciate good spam

C.G.B. Spender
09-07-2007, 18:29:09
He should pay us for not producing spam

Lazarus and the Gimp
09-07-2007, 18:43:14
The letter writer's a bit slow off the mark. Milliband is now the Foreign Secretary.

C.G.B. Spender
09-07-2007, 18:44:06
I misread it as "Milzbrand"

Resource Consumer
09-07-2007, 18:45:15
Originally posted by Lazarus and the Gimp
The letter writer's a bit slow off the mark. Milliband is now the Foreign Secretary.

Ah - added dimensions - but not rearing pigs could become a diplomatic issue

Lurker the Second
09-07-2007, 19:08:15
Originally posted by Resource Consumer
Philistine - you do not appreciate good spam

I hate the Phillies. In fact, I hate almost everything about Philadelphia.

Resource Consumer
09-07-2007, 19:08:53
even the butter?

Lurker the Second
09-07-2007, 19:11:26
Let's not talk about the butter.

Resource Consumer
09-07-2007, 19:13:32
ok - i'll leave that to Elton

maroule
10-07-2007, 07:55:11
and Marlon Brando

Resource Consumer
10-07-2007, 08:18:56
cut your fingernails