View Full Version : Well, fuck me with a feather!

Greg W
09-04-2007, 11:47:45
Call me the queen of drama.

I had dinner last weekend with an ex of mine who I am trying (somewhat successfully) to remain friends with, and a mutual friend. She was taking a rather unusual amount of snipes at me at dinner, and after I left to go home, she appoligised and SMSed me to say that she was sorry for being so rude, but there was a reason for it. And she didn't want to bother me with it, cos I have enough on my plate at the moment.

Being a typical Sagitarian in many ways, this only made me worry more. So we agreed to meet up today so she could tell me. We exchanged small talk for a few hours (we did go out for 8 months), and then the bombshell. We broke up in October last year, and in December she had suffered a miscarriage. And yes, it would have been mine.

Let me tell you, you could have knocked me over with a feather. And a small one at that. We ended up going out for a few drinks after that, with me tagging along mainly to try and lend whatever support she needed or wanted from me. She was a bit of a mess, and I was rather dazed. To say the least.

Now that I am safely at home, I am just a little numb. I've never been aware of any girl falling pregnant to me. And certainly not then miscarrying.

And now, I am just a little lost for words. I am not entirely sure what I feel. On one hand, it's over now, there's nothing I can do. And yet, for a few months, she was carrying my child. How much did me breaking up with her contribute to her miscarriage? How much am I to blame for what happened?

Yes, these things happen, and I wasn't to know, but still. It's a shock, let me tell you.

self biased
09-04-2007, 13:45:54
beware: teh wimmens can be wily. until you see and speak to a doctor, assume nothing. you'll save yourself the entire life-altering experience of figuring things out for yourself.

Lazarus and the Gimp
09-04-2007, 17:28:19
These things happen. If the relationship wasn't working, would ending it have been any more traumatic than stringing it out?

Given that it happened two months after the break, a rational person would normally have got well over the worst stress by then. It's not your fault in any way.

09-04-2007, 19:26:04
Originally posted by self biased
beware: teh wimmens can be wily. until you see and speak to a doctor, assume nothing. you'll save yourself the entire life-altering experience of figuring things out for yourself.

This is the voice of experience I believe. At least from what I recall from poly.

12-04-2007, 15:11:25
Also keep in mind that the miscarriage rate is 15-20% for women int heir 20s, not counting the ones that happen so soon the patient just thinks she has had a late and heavy period. The majority of these happen in the first trimester.

If she was pregnant, your breakup had nothing to do with her losing the baby. The reason is almost always due to genetic errors that make the fetus only capable of reaching a certain point in development.

Don't blame yourself, its hard, but not your fault.

12-04-2007, 16:05:41
So her reason for being rude to you was because she miscarried your baby? Nutter.

12-04-2007, 16:17:39
Originally posted by HelloKitty
almost always due to genetic errors
Don't blame yourself, its hard, but not your fault.

well, WHOSE faulty geneseses were they, huh????????


12-04-2007, 21:18:42
Am I the only one here that been thinking for the past few days that being fucked with a feather would be a wholly unsatisfactory experience...?

12-04-2007, 21:19:33
Depends on where you put it.

Jon Miller

12-04-2007, 21:28:11
Not for a man. No.

12-04-2007, 21:41:40
I have heard of guys putting things up the uretha (sp?). It seems to me that this would be unpleasent, but...

In fact, I have seen a porn where a moderately attractive woman jams a small dildo down there. I would imagine he had to work his way up... I would be afraid of my penis breaking or something.

Jon Miller

12-04-2007, 21:49:50

KG, please don't share your wierd porn collection with JM anymore.

13-04-2007, 06:58:17
self: yours was a freak accident. I seriously doubt he was dating a 40 year old psycho behemoth. In addition, she wasn't trying to rope him into anything.

I don't know whether to say "I'm sorry" or "whoa" .. or anything that might make you feel better, Greg. However, there is no reason to assume that the stress was the reason. You shouldn't beat yourself up over it. ALso think of it this way: if she had stayed pregnant, you might have a child and not even know about it.

And Kitty is right, miscarriages for women (esp. their first or early on in life) are high.

Greg W
13-04-2007, 10:44:25
Thanks for all the advice and support! Over the last few days I have come to accept it much more, and while I don't agree that I definately had no fault, I also don't think I am definately at fault. After all, I wasn't to know, so it's not as if I did it deliberately.

At the time though, it was a little hard to get that level of objectivity. It's still sitting there in my head causing a little havoc every now and then, but it's getting better.

Really, in the end, I don't want a baby to an ex, so in that regard it's a good thing. I think my main problem is just feeling bad for her. I'm just too empathetic (and I'm waiting for someone to quote that without the 'em') for my own good.

13-04-2007, 10:50:45
Nothing wrong with feeling bad for her, that's normal, even for yourself a little bit.

But there was no way you could have known, so you can't be guilty for acting as if nothing had happened, as far as you knew, it hadn't.