View Full Version : Hey Laz

09-02-2006, 15:43:38
Your fame would appear to be spreading. I just got sent your "Evil, Evil Finland" piece as a forwarded email from a Finnish acquaintence of mine who has absolutely no idea who the hell you are.

Congratulations or something.

09-02-2006, 15:48:01

09-02-2006, 15:48:23
Did you say "I know who wrote that..."

I be the response would be.. "yeah, sure".

09-02-2006, 15:48:53
Can you post it again?

09-02-2006, 15:52:09
Originally posted by Funko
Did you say "I know who wrote that..."

I be the response would be.. "yeah, sure".
Aye, then I referred her to the Lazblog. Chances of her speaking to me again: slim.

09-02-2006, 15:52:28
:lol: Wow, Laz is now officially the finish All your base internetjoke.

09-02-2006, 15:52:35
Originally posted by Funko
Can you post it again?
By: Lazarus and the Gimp
Topic:Evil, evil Finland

It can't have escaped anyone's notice that the net is crawling with Finns.
Despite the fact that their total population is laughably small, at any given
time around 60% of people online anywhere turn out to be Finnish. Even if you
seek refuge on forums entirely dedicated to ancient mongolian skin complaints,
at some point a Janni or Tommi or Aaasol will show up and be irritatingly

Sinister, isn't it? Fortunately my army of gimp researchers are on the case and
are now ready to reveal the TRUTH about evil, evil Finland. Here we go....

1- The Winter War. What the hell happened there? When Joe Stalin's T-34's rolled
into central Europe the Wehrmacht and Waffen-SS screamed like girls and ran
away. However all it took was a few dozen of Santa's little helpers lobbing
snowballs and the Russkis bottled out in Finland. What really happened? Is the
truth too horrible to reveal.

2- Linux. Open-source coding meant that the entire structure of Western
capitalism was under threat. Fortunately all that happened was that a few dozen
ubergeeks experienced immediate and uncontrollable climax while the rest of the
world yawned and loaded up Windows. Try harder, evil Finns.

3- Anyway, I've heard that Linus Torsvald smells of chisels.

4- When Tolkien wanted to create a people who were inhuman, pointy-eared and as
camp as Butlins, whose language did he base their speech on? Yup- you guessed

5- Mobile phones. Utterly dominated by those skulking trolls between Sweden and
Russia. Their phones get smaller every day- ideal for those spindly elven
fingers, but damning the rest of humanity to cordless communication serfdom. Do
you think you're going to get away with it?

6- It's an established fact that if you want to be a great distance runner you
have to come from a hot country. So where do Paavo Nurmi and Lasse Viren come
in? I can now reveal that their "training" regime consisted of them having raw
chillies stuffed up their bums and having starving packs of wild dogs unleashed
on them. It won them loads of gold medals but at what cost, Finland? At what

7- Rally driving is totally dominated by Finns. This is because Finland's
national sport involves using high-powered 4-wheel drive cars to run over elks.
The record is held by Hannu Mikkola who successfully ran over 24 inside 2
minutes. He would have got more but his wheels got jammed by bits of snapped-off
antler and leg.

8- Norway is famous for it's fjords. These are made by Finns who sneak across at
night and steal bits of the coastline, taking it back to Finland to make small
hills. At the current rate of theft, by 2500 AD Norway will be only 200 metres

9- Take a look at a map of Finland. Go on, take a look. Absolutely millions of
lakes. That can't be right.

10- It's believed that the preponderance of lakes in Finland is due to them
being stolen from other countries by Finns, along with their partners in
lake-crime, Canada.

11- Anyway, what do you get in lakes? Abandoned shopping trollies, spindly
things with chewing mouth-parts, and bodies. Add it up.

12- Santa Claus. Finland has been hailed as the home of Santa Claus since the
20th century. During that time, children's toys have displayed rising levels of
dead spiders, razor blades and grit.

13- Finland's national dish is an elk scrotum fried in batter.

14- The last Suomithreadi contained detailed instructions on how to make
home-brewed Rohypnol, as well as an incantation for summoning Satan.

15- Finns attract sharks. I have no figures to back this up.

16- Derby County FC. The reason for Georgi Kinkladze's recent poor form is that,
in their last match agaist Liverpool, he was beaten to death with his own leg
while the referee's back was turned. The culprit was Sami Hyppia. A Finn.

17- Where's ottok? What have you done with him?

18- If all the world's Finns were laid end to end they'd cause a really nasty
traffic jam.

09-02-2006, 15:59:06
:lol: Stupid Finns.

09-02-2006, 16:00:11
it's a crime that laz is not emplyed in some journalistic capacity by someone

09-02-2006, 16:00:17
It says so much that there are no finns here at CG.

Lurker the Second
09-02-2006, 16:10:56
Like what?

09-02-2006, 16:11:43
They're all in the traffic jam?

Lurker the Second
09-02-2006, 16:14:12
Those bastards.

Lazarus and the Gimp
09-02-2006, 17:04:22
I've had it mailed to me too. Oh, the irony.

09-02-2006, 17:08:30

09-02-2006, 17:09:14

09-02-2006, 17:30:29
Always thought Laz should write bathroom readers

though it would be rather sad if someone heard me laughing in there