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The Mad Monk
02-01-2006, 18:06:01
My Kids Are Perverted

Ok, so I'm an assisstant teacher in three Japanese middle schools. The grade levels are ichinensei, ninensei, and sannensei. Translated this just means "1st years", "2nd years", and "3rd years", and it's equivalent to American 7-9th grades. So the kids are about 12-15 years old.

For the ichinensei, they JUST started learning English. So this means they know nothing. Well, they know "Good Morning" and "I go to school by bike", but that's about it. Some of them don't even know that. It's not a bad thing, try to think about how much Spanish/French/German you knew after 3 years of it in High School. I took HS Spanish for 3 years and all I took out of it was "Yo quiero taco bell". My apologies to Mrs. Gonzalez, Ms. Kuchinski, and Mrs. Mach.

You know what's kind of funny though? Some kids can't say "Good morning", but damn near all of them can ask if I have a big dick. Or, "bigu dikku" in Engrish.

Y'see, Japan's an island no bigger than California, where everything is filtered. There are so few foreigners here, their only impressions of things outside of Japan comes from the media. And to be honest, they don't really give a damn about anything other than America. So yeah, try to imagine a country where the perceptions of you are created by your movies, music, and MTV. And when you stop crying and shaking at the sheer horror of that thought, I'll be here waiting.

....Okay? Ok. So anyway, the whole "black men have big dicks" stereotype stretches far and wide, even to the nation's 12 year olds. Part of why I'm here is not just to kind of sort of help teach English, but to "broaden cultural perceptions". Break stereotypes, challenge preconcieved notions, all that jazz. That's good and all, but this is one stereotype I think I'm just gonna let slide.

So anyway, I get asked "bigu dikku" A LOT. Every 2-3 days in fact, which is amazing considering I got asked this question about 2-3 times *in my entire life* in America. Locker room jokes aside. How do you answer that anyway? To a 12-15 year old? I wave them off and say "No no no." Then they say "Oh, sumaru dikku?" (trans. "Small dick?") and OF COURSE that's wrong so I have to correct them. It's just a no-win stiuation.

On the days I'm avoiding them asking me that, I'm avoiding them actually trying to grab it. I shit you not, I have to play Dodgedick with Japanese Jr. High kids on a weekly basis. Boys and girls! Age, gender, doesn't matter, they all want a stab at it. The boys are actually more persistant though. I had one boy grab for it, and when I said "No!" he put his hands together and, in English, said "Please!" Oh hell no. I was sitting next to a 12-year old boy who kept grabbing at it, and when I told him "No!" he asked "Why not?" I wondered if there weren't some cultural bounds I wasn't understsanding, so I said clearly "age 10 years and become female since birth, then we'll talk." His solution was to ask the girl sitting next to him to trade seats, grab my dick, and tell him about it.

That is so NOT what I meant.

I wish I could say it stops there, but actually, it gets worse. Let me introduce you to a game Japanese kids like to play called "Kancho."

Actually, it's not so much a "game" as it is kids clasping their hands together, sticking out their first fingers, and shoving them up your butt. I'm really not joking.

You know, before we come to Japan, they tell us a lot of ultimately useless stuff. What kind of computer to bring, if our DVD's will work, clothing sizes, that kind of nonsense. Nowhere, and I mean nowhere, in the 3-4 months of orientations did anyone ever mention that at some point, a Japanese kid may try to stick their fingers up our butt. That's something I would have liked to know, personally.

It's called Kancho, and just about any kid can be a Kancho Assassin. Even the sweetest little girl may be prone to jam her fingers up your ass the second you turn around. This happened to one of my friends, which just goes to show - don't trust anyone. I'd say the little girls are the most dangerous cause they have natural ways of lowering your defenses.

I was pretty lucky. Before I came, I bought a really big, really baggy pair of pants. The kids try to Kancho...but they just have no idea where my ass is! It's beautiful! I had one kid try and find his fingers hit nothing but jean fabric and air. Yes! But I've actually gotten pretty good at dodging it, much like Spider-man I have developed a Kancho Sense that tells me where and when it's coming before it comes. I parry fingers like a pro. My record is still 100% Kancho Free. Ha! America 2, Japan 0.

All in a day's work I suppose.

Next: In The Ghetto

Return to the "I Am a Japanese School Teacher" Index

http://outpostnine.com/editorials/teacher.html

Looks like a fun place to work.

...

:nervous:

Gibsie
02-01-2006, 19:12:45
Nuke the fuckers.

Colon
02-01-2006, 19:21:31
Doesn't work.

Oerdin
02-01-2006, 19:29:36
His solution was to ask the girl sitting next to him to trade seats, grab my dick, and tell him about it.

:lol: Those ever resourceful Japanese. :lol:

mr_G
02-01-2006, 23:12:26
I want to be a Japanese School Teacher

TV4Fun
02-01-2006, 23:15:45
So yeah, try to imagine a country where the perceptions of you are created by your movies, music, and MTV.I live there, it's called America.

mr_G
02-01-2006, 23:16:56
and?

TV4Fun
02-01-2006, 23:21:56
I've been seriously considering moving to Canada.

mr_G
02-01-2006, 23:25:16
yaaay great Dutch influence but fokking cold

TV4Fun
02-01-2006, 23:28:53
I grew up in Alaska.

mr_G
02-01-2006, 23:30:33
that's russia

mr_G
02-01-2006, 23:30:54
comrad TV

TV4Fun
02-01-2006, 23:34:07
No, it's actually the american-owned part of Canada.

mr_G
02-01-2006, 23:34:56
bought from the russians?

TV4Fun
02-01-2006, 23:35:48
yes.

Sir Penguin
02-01-2006, 23:41:27
I've been reading that column for the last 30 hours or so. OMG, it's awesome.

SP

Oerdin
03-01-2006, 06:25:08
I have horrible metal images of drunken Koncho games being played at future CG meets.

Beta1
03-01-2006, 06:34:43
thats a mental picture I really didn't need.

Especially with school starting again in a few days

MoSe
03-01-2006, 09:58:59
So yeah, try to imagine a country where the perceptions of you are created by your movies, music, and MTV.

all scaled down to 3rd world standards, that's what we realised by the first invasion wave of Albanians in Italy

Drekkus
03-01-2006, 12:05:19
When your bigu dikku in japan, tonight
Bigu dikku in japan, be tight, bigu dikku in japan

mr_G
03-01-2006, 12:18:09
hahahahahahaha Louis the funneeeh

King_Ghidra
03-01-2006, 12:50:14
i heard about kancho before, you can get some funny t-shirts with pictures of people getting ready to kancho

edit: found the link:
http://red-bazooka.com/bazooka/t/kancho/kancho.html

http://red-bazooka.com/bazooka/t/kancho/kancho-big2.gif

Funko
03-01-2006, 13:04:18
Funko 1 - 0 K_G.

:nervous:

King_Ghidra
03-01-2006, 13:10:20
:lol: :brwncard:

Drekkus
03-01-2006, 13:35:07
Can I conclude from this that funko has had his fingers up KG's butt?

Aredhran
03-01-2006, 13:54:30
::shudder::

Venom
03-01-2006, 15:29:40
This thread started out funny, now it's just in a really bad place.

Venom
03-01-2006, 15:50:19
Gaijin Smash

I must find a way to use that in conversation today.

mr_G
03-01-2006, 15:55:06
say what?

Venom
03-01-2006, 16:01:05
GAIJIN SMASH!!!!!!!

Japher
03-01-2006, 16:05:25
Gay Gin?

Oerdin
03-01-2006, 16:36:05
Is that a Gin which has been pussified with fruit juice or something?

HelloKitty
03-01-2006, 19:49:13
Its been a long time since I heard of Kancho. We were introduced to it on one of my grandparents visits when I was about 5.

KANCHO FTW!!!

The dick grabbing is somewhat suprising though.

Great site.