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alsieboo
14-11-2005, 00:08:37
I know I'm probably opening myself up for a lot of jokes and shit, but this is a serious issue and I really would like someone elses opinion.

I'll try and keep it to a minimum, but there's a guy at work(R1), we were getting on really well, and yes, we did flirt, and I was flirting with another guy (R2) at the same time, nothing too much, just a bit of banter, and I could see he was getting jealous, but thought nothing of it. Anyway, the second guy gave me his number, and that night R1 asked R2 to give me his number so he could "get in there before anyone else does". He seemed sweet enough, even if he was constantly texting me. Anyway, we texted each other, things did get a bit dirty, then we arranged to meet up outside of work and go to the cinema. Nothing happened, I felt his leg up a bit, but there was nothing more than that. Anyway, he'd already told me he though I was the girl of his dreams and he was falling for me, but on the day we met up, I couldn't help but think something wasn't right. He picked up on that and asked me what was going on because he was 'confused' I told him I didn't think we'd be right together and we shouldn't happen. He sort of accepted it, and then he kept texting me things, saying I'd ripped his heart out etc and I was being a tease, so I phoned him up and straightened things out. Unfortunately the next day, he started texting me again, started being innappropriate, and at work he'd keep talking about sex and saying "Bad thoughts, naughty thoughts, save them for later" and making out it was me who put them in his head when I'd hardly contributed to the conversation. This carries on, he texts me every night, asking if I'd wanted to sleep with him that day, if I still did, if I'd have phone sex with him, if I'd have text sex, if we'd make a fuck buddy arrangement, if he could set me up with this female friend of his, if he could watch/join in/film it, and he kept talking about buying me a video phone for my birthday, and taking me out in the car he's going to buy, it got pretty intense. Every time he said something like that I'd tell him as bluntly as I could that is wasn't going to happen, there was no us in any way shape or form, he accepted it, then the next night he'd forgotten. We had a big argument a week ago where he said after two weeks of me telling him 'no' he was confused, I was leading him on and we needed to sort out what was going on. I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't like the way he was behaving, it was verging on harassment and he needed to cool it. He told me he couldn't help it, he was sorry, he just needed to know, and I told him not to talk to me for the rest of the weekend. Get into work a couple of days later, he's the same as ever, laughing and joking, then the text comes that night "are we still friends, I didn't mean to hurt you, it wasn't directed at you, old feelings resurfacing" I tell him we are just about still friends, as long as nothing like that ever happens again. Later on that week the sexual innuendo is back, and I don't know about the texts, because I got a new number. During those weeks, he finds out that R2 and I have an 'arrangement' and he's jealous, so he gives this girl R2's number and gets her to really put it on in the hope R2 will forget about me and go for her, leaving the way open for R1, even though I've told him more times than I can remember that it's not going to happen.

Sorry if that was too long, but is there anything I can do? I have told my manager, but she's only keeping an eye on the situation. My parents want to go to the police, my uncle wants to break his legs..thing is, I don't want to be accused of leading him on just because he did have a couple of pictures and some dirty messages before we met up.

MOBIUS
14-11-2005, 00:19:31
DARKSTAR!;)

Debaser
14-11-2005, 00:22:36
Tell him this bit "My parents want to go to the police, my uncle wants to break his legs..", he'll stop then.

Koshko
14-11-2005, 00:24:04
You are always in relationship related problems. Maybe you should just become a hermit or something.

Sir Penguin
14-11-2005, 00:25:15
Sorry if that was too long, but is there anything I can do?
Use paragraphs.

As for the problem, the solution has two steps: 1. file a sexual harassment suit and get the jerk fired (or at least publically scorned), and 2. stop sending pictures and dirty messages to co-workers. Shit, stop sending pictures and dirty messages to people you don't know extremely well, it's like giving away Ginsu knives at a maximum-security prison.

SP

Colon
14-11-2005, 00:27:05
Originally posted by Koshko
You are always in relationship related problems. Maybe you should just become a hermit or something.

Being more careful about flirting might also help.

Greg W
14-11-2005, 00:29:24
Jeese, he sounds like a male bunny killer!

Best suggestion I can come up with - write him a letter, detailing all that stuff you have typed above, and telling him to stop contacting you. Don't threaten him with anything, even going to the police, as that's a threat. Well, in our fucked up legal system it is anyway. Just tell him (in the letter) that you don't appreciate what he is doing and that you no longer wish to have any communication with him, outside of work related matters.

Sign it, and give it to him. Give a copy to your boss as well. Keep any further correspondance from him, and if he keeps it up, seek some legal advice.

Must admit that it's outside my area of expertise, but that's probably what I'd be tempted to do. If there's a free legal hotline that you can call and ask, then do that rather than follow my advice.

Greg W
14-11-2005, 00:30:45
Originally posted by Debaser
Tell him this bit "My parents want to go to the police, my uncle wants to break his legs..", he'll stop then. And treat that statement as a joke. If you ever threaten him, you become the wrongdoer, and he will win any complaint that you lodge anywhere.

Debaser
14-11-2005, 00:34:49
Not at all, this is hardly a legal matter, once he knows that her parents know he'll stop pissing about.

Greg W
14-11-2005, 01:06:10
Believe you me, if she threatens to go to the police (yep, that surprised me too), or especially threatens to get an uncle to break his legs, it becomes a legal matter. The guy may not have the nouse to realise it, but if he does, Alsie could find herself up on charges.

Greg W
14-11-2005, 01:07:12
Oh, and I am kind of presuming that it's the same in the UK, seeing as our legal system is based largely on yours.

alsieboo
14-11-2005, 01:54:31
I know I shouldn't flirt so much, but it just kinda happens, I'm young and naive, what more can you expect.

I think I'm going to go with the letter idea, if he doesn't take any notice of that, then I'm all for letting him enjoy some hospital food.

Colon
14-11-2005, 03:34:23
Well, for what it's worth: if the guy says he's confused he probably means it. So make sure there's absolutely no room for misinterpretation, be straight and crystal-clear, and don't use subtility to get the message across because he won't get it. Also be cold and consistent. He'll use every anchor to keep hope alive, so you don't want to give any.

BigGameHunter
14-11-2005, 03:56:41
Get your dental records on file at the local constabulary.

Gary
14-11-2005, 07:50:58
Dunno about "too long". I know it isn't split into manageable paragraphs. Rather daunting.

Gary
14-11-2005, 08:00:26
We live and learn. Sounds like you are giving out the wrong signals which came back to bite you. That said if you say you aren't interested and was just flirting, he ought to accept that. At the moment it is something he has to deal with.

I think you just let it fizzle out. May take a while. But you have the new phone number. Just avoid him in the meanwhile. Don't be nasty, but stop being friendly. And don't get in that situation again.

I'm sure you could investigate the possibility of making a complaint to the police, but as you admit, it could be embarrassing. Best see if it gets better or worse over the next few weeks. Resort to the 'last resort' if and when you feel you have to. Or, maybe before you do, you could threaten to do so. That might work.

mr.G
14-11-2005, 08:14:20
Originally posted by Sir Penguin
Use paragraphs. :lol:

mr.G
14-11-2005, 08:15:47
Ow and my advice: kick a seagull, that will be a great relief.

orrr dooooooooo di doooooooo that bastard

mr.G
14-11-2005, 08:18:10
Originally posted by alsieboo
I know I shouldn't flirt so much, but it just kinda happens, I'm young and naive ppl who say they are naive are not naive.
and Bells if you wanna be a cockteaser tease the right cock

Drekkus
14-11-2005, 09:01:01
What SP said.

Dyl Ulenspiegel
14-11-2005, 09:06:43
You have to make clear to him that your no is not a flirting-girl-no, but a real no. Also drop the friendship crap, it hurts the credibility of the no.

Unless it's all about a flirting-girl-no - maybe dig into your mind and check what you want and/or what signals you send.

mr.G
14-11-2005, 09:28:45
What Drekkus said.

mr.G
14-11-2005, 09:29:07
and what Dyl said.

Gary
14-11-2005, 10:08:24
What Gary said.

mr.G
14-11-2005, 10:11:43
What Funko is going to say!!!

Nills Lagerbaak
14-11-2005, 10:23:25
Just say no, it's not rocket science

mr.G
14-11-2005, 10:27:11
rockets.........jets...... no propellers

mr.G
14-11-2005, 10:28:48
Originally posted by mr.G
What Funko is going to say!!! well........

Dyl Ulenspiegel
14-11-2005, 12:21:52
Say no with rockets!

mr.G
14-11-2005, 12:45:03
say no no

no no no no

no no no no

there's no Limit.

Funko
14-11-2005, 12:47:45
I have no idea what advice to give.

LoD
14-11-2005, 12:55:23
Instructions on reading this post: pointers on what have you done wrong and how to avoid are found above the dashed line; advice on how to handle the current situation (which you actually want know), below it.


I'm with SP (including the paragraphs bit), Colon and Dyl on this. Flirting with guys you don't really know should be done with extremere care. And believe me, feeling up someone leg goes beyong flirting and into "thinly-vailed proposal" territory.

Guys do have a tendency to stick to any hopes you give them, especialy when they're infatuated (or horny). Saying that you will still be friends gave him that sort of thoughts. Why? Becase some idiots perceive this as "wooo, you still have the chance!" instead of "no!". Why did you say that him anyway? Because you felt sorry for him? Screw that? Did he tried to get in your shoes before he made you scared, anxious and otherwise unhappy? NO, AND BLOODY WELL SHOULDN'T YOU!
------------------------

Here's what do know: if the guy does keep it up, become increesingly hostile. End all conversations in which he even tries to make an innuendo. Don't laugh at his jokes. Refuse all his proposals to go out to a cinema, gallery, restaurant, a walk, anything, just by principle. If he tries to give you presents/flowers, refuse to accept them. If he still tries to get on your good side become stern at him (just think how annoying he is), but do not offend him or abuse him verbally.
He may start sending you hate texts or some such. Either don't reply (might be better) or tell him that you've already said "no" and he should have absolutely no hopes of anything more than an aquaintance. If he keeps doing that, talk to your parents about it and ask whether they think it's high time to discuss matter with the employer and/or the police.

The Norks
14-11-2005, 19:06:30
Out of curiosity- how old is this guy?

what he's doing IS harassment, and thats illegal, but its a difficult route to pursue for lots of reasons, so I'd avoid it unless it becomes the only course left open to you. Personally I would recommend you to talk to your employer (HR if necessary) explain the escalating situation and that you don't want to pursue him formally but you are prepared to do so if they don't step in. They should take that pretty seriously and talk to him/threaten him with disciplinary action.

Secondly, stop trying to be/saying you will be his friend- he's reading that as a 'maybe'. Ignore him except to speak to him about work matters, keep it polite and formal.

Thats the symptoms, now the cause and a bit of a stern lecture I'm afraid:

What are you doing sending rude pictures and messages to someone you barely know, and worse, someone you work with???? Why do you need to seek that kind of attention? I've said this before and I'll say it again: you are a bright, pretty, intelligent young woman and you don't need to invite all comers to slobber over you for validation. You've basically created a very uncomfortable situation for yourself and others. I'm not saying he's blameless- he's obviously a twat who doesn't know when to back off, but you're giving him totally mixed signals. You're not naive at all, you're just trying to avoid responsibility for the way you've acted by saying that- naive girls don't send risque pictures and run their hands up people's thighs. I think you knew exactly what reaction you wanted to engender, but you also wanted to switch it off when you didn't like it any more, and you're finding out the hard way that not every guy understands or respects 'No' (not that it sounds like you've really said a clear no). I don't like the word cocktease, it absolves the man of any responsibility for his behaviour, but basically its easier for you to avoid getting in these situations than clearing them up afterwards, so you might want to think about changing your sexual behaviour towards men in general and work colleagues in particular. Flirting is fun, but half the skill of flirting (as opposed to blatantly coming on to someone) is knowing the people you can safely flirt with and where to draw the line.

Anyway, I'm not saying this to have a go, or because I think its all your fault, or because I think you shouldn't have fun or whatever, or because I think you're bad, its more that whenever you post stuff like this, I get this wave of fear that you will one day end up getting yourself into REAL trouble. I think this sort of situation at work is pretty bad in the general scheme of things, but if you keep pushing it one day you're going to go too far with someone who will physically hurt you in one way or another. You should have enough self respect to try and avoid that. No excuses. You deserve more than this Allie.

Funko
14-11-2005, 19:11:25
ok now I have some advice...


Listen to Norks. :)

Lazarus and the Gimp
14-11-2005, 19:13:25
Norks is right about the works stuff. You're being harrassed and need to report it if it's troubling you.

LoD
14-11-2005, 19:15:04
Seconded!

Japher
14-11-2005, 19:23:03
so he gives this girl R2's number and gets her to really put it on in the hope R2 will forget about me and go for her, leaving the way open for R1, even though I've told him more times than I can remember that it's not going to happen.


That was clever... this guy is clearly disturbed.

And, you should post the pics you sent him.

You know, for prosperities sake

Lurker the Second
14-11-2005, 19:24:15
Personally, I think you should get another job and block the guy's phone calls if you don't want to talk to him.

I can't believe I posted in this thread.

Colon
14-11-2005, 19:37:46
You moron.

Greg W
15-11-2005, 00:39:42
Hmm, now I'm agreeing with Norks? Has the world ended, and nobody told me? :noidea:

DaShi
15-11-2005, 02:13:44
You do seem to draw these kinds of desperate freaks, losers, and weirdos. Anyway, my number is 555-5329.

Sir Penguin
15-11-2005, 06:23:35
Originally posted by The Norks

what he's doing IS harassment, and thats illegal, but its a difficult route to pursue for lots of reasons, so I'd avoid it unless it becomes the only course left open to you. Personally I would recommend you to talk to your employer (HR if necessary) explain the escalating situation and that you don't want to pursue him formally but you are prepared to do so if they don't step in. They should take that pretty seriously and talk to him/threaten him with disciplinary action.
^
|
This is what I meant to say.

SP

KrazyHorse@home
15-11-2005, 06:29:56
Originally posted by alsieboo
I know I shouldn't flirt so much, but it just kinda happens, I'm young and naive, what more can you expect.

Bull.

KrazyHorse@home
15-11-2005, 06:32:41
How old are you, kid?

Grow up a bit and stop sending out raunchy messages with dirty pictures.

Especially to weirdos.s

mr.G
15-11-2005, 07:16:10
Originally posted by Japher

And, you should post the pics you sent him.

You know, for prosperities sake
what Japher said...

John Doe
15-11-2005, 13:43:36
The way you described him, he sounds like a psycho...

I'm seeing shades of fatal attraction

shagnasty
15-11-2005, 18:14:01
Wait till you get a txt from him at work then shout as loud as possible "WILL YOU FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE YOU PSYCHO TWAT". You might get told off for using naughty language but the look on his face when everyone stops and stares at him will be worth it, but remember to stare at him until your eyes turn black.

YAAAAAAAAAAY

Hello everyone. I'm back.

YAAAAAAAAAAAY

Lazarus and the Gimp
15-11-2005, 22:25:25
Blimey. He's returned from the dead.