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View Full Version : Words of vizdom. Some quite funny...


Nills Lagerbaak
23-09-2005, 16:05:22
Actually I just decided that the pun in the thread title (which I made up myself) is funnier than any of these ideas from the adult comin Viz.

> New Top Tips from VIZ

>

> DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune

> and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song

> you like and hum that instead.

>

> CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a

> p*ss before the film starts.

>

> RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by

> actually speaking clearly in the first place.

>

> DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your

> identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with

> your old bank statements.

>

> WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red

> wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove

> the stains.

>

> SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid a court appearance after a

> trip to Truprint.

>

> MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to

> yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

>

> BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking

> out at 90degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their

> dogs on you.

>

> EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs

> into the bin.

>

> MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the

> volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your

> wife from having to do it.

>

> GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending 50 to yourself by

> Royal Mail.

>

> BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very

> small horse is approaching.

>

> BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not

> wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

>

> ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

>

> DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn

> and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send

> them on their way.

>

> PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving

> everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the

> morning, simply move it all back again.

>

> CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the

> valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

>

> DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',simply

> shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

>

> MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.

> Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you

> are listening to the sea.

>

> JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your

> bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

>

> SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

>

> SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside

> Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally

> glancing inside.

>

> BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg

> into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph.

> After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

>

> ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the

> pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

>

> McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in

> with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

>

> WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a sh*t

> anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards

protein
23-09-2005, 16:07:58
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
:lol:

Nills Lagerbaak
23-09-2005, 16:09:35
I like
ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the

> pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

mr.G
23-09-2005, 16:18:48
> SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

Funko
23-09-2005, 16:20:12
ARCHITECTS last twice as long if only kicked every other day.

mr.G
23-09-2005, 16:20:51
no , but maybe they grow a bit

DaShi
23-09-2005, 16:22:18
FORUM POSTERS: don't waste time writing thoughtful responses that will just be ignored, a simple 'blah' will do.

Immortal Wombat
23-09-2005, 16:34:01
blah. (http://www.counterglow.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=30312)

MoSe
26-09-2005, 11:42:30
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

LOL :lol:

I mean, blah :lol:

Drekkus
26-09-2005, 11:45:17
I actually said that to my boss last week, while talking about hiring new people. She look at me perplexed, then finally saw the joke. :D

Gary
26-09-2005, 11:57:08
;) (http://www.counterglow.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=30312)