View Full Version : The best die-roll rpg review ever ...

03-09-2005, 20:40:49
It's really long but it's really enjoyable.


05-09-2005, 13:15:28
great review. terrifying game.

Just for example: Charisma includes Facial Charisma (how good you look), Vocal Charisma (how you sound,) Kinetic Charisma (how pretty you look when you move), and Rhetorical Charisma (how fast you CAN FUCKING SPEAK.) That's right, everybody: You can determine how fast your character can speak, in words per minute. What a statistic.

Sartin: Yeah, where to begin? I mean, I can't count the number of campaigns I've seen where it matters whether your face can be THAT much prettier than your body. But don't worry. Even if you blow that 4d100/2-1 roll for it, you can beat it by wearing a bag over your head, like most FATALites probably do in real life.

And while we're on the subject, it's cool that Kinetic Charisma is entirely separate from Hand-Eye Coordination and Agility. That's right! You can be the clumsiest, most spastic sack of shit who ever lived, and yet still inspire boners because the way you pick up that bottle of Jack Daniels to help you get through this game is just so Kinetically Charismatic.


05-09-2005, 13:45:58
Wow, look! Enunciation! Naturally, this is a sub-ability of Dexterity. You'd think it would be under Charisma or Intelligence, but I guess you see something stupid every day. Anyfuck, I really like how Enunciation determines your "Maximum Speech Rate", but Rhetorical Charisma determines your "Average Speech Rate". Ugh. NO ONE FUCKING CARES.

Of course, since both sub-abilities are (say it with me) totally random, we don't really know what happens when your Maximum Speech Rate ends up being lower than your Average Speech Rate, but it's just on this side of "totally possible".

Tying into these two nicely, of course, is Language (an Intelligence sub-ability). Especially that "possible # of languages learned" column. Naturally, with FATAL being the "detailed" and "realistic" game that it is, it's possible to get a high Enunciation and Rhetorical Charisma without rolling high enough in Language to actually be able to speak a language.

Am I amazed that Hall came up with all those bullshit interconnections for Bodily Attractiveness, but didn't bother to imagine how any of his other attributes might fit together? If FATAL were a movie, it would make Battlefield Earth look like an utterly convincing, well-considered masterpiece.


05-09-2005, 15:30:45
As is so often the case, the worst game in existance produced one of the best reviews in existance.

05-09-2005, 16:10:25
Still reading it.. sounds like fun. The guy writing in red is rather eloquent about his dislike isn't he?

But then, those games weren't designed by misogynistic human accidents who would lose a battle of wits with an plus-sized assplug dressed up as a crack pipe

almost sounds like something Laz might call some rightwing Poly poster.

05-09-2005, 16:24:49
While we're on the topic, I should point out that the wound tables are marked by the same painfully creepy obsession with sexual organs and defecation as the majority of FATAL. The individual parts of a woman's genitalia can be hit separately, including the clitoris, and of course the worst thing about it - as this piece of shit game suggests - is that she won't desire sex for 3d6 months. If you get hit in the ass, you actually roll to find out how many chunks of shit come out as a result.


05-09-2005, 16:28:56
Nice find Koshko, lol.

05-09-2005, 16:29:07
And some more :lol:

"Have Her Cadaver": You can rape a corpse, but it'll feel like a real woman. Why do I have the feeling that this spell was created out of a real-life need on the part of the author?

Sartin: Because it's probably true. Obviously, the dead can't toss a drink in your face or scream "Rape!", making them attractive to the average FATALite. [I don't know about that. If I were a corpse near a FATALite, I'd probably be making deals to return from the dead long enough to throw a drink and slap a face or two.]

05-09-2005, 16:49:50

05-09-2005, 17:08:38
"But speaking of realism and Urination, what's really cool is that you can't piss unless you roll over 5...and the roll is d100 + Urination Skill Points + (average of Health and Hand-Eye Coordination skill modifiers) +/- ("Time Since Last Urination vs. Ounces Drunk" modifier). Of course, you'll have to drink at least 16 ounces if you want to urinate without a penalty or having to wait more than half an hour, but that isn't very hard. FATAL characters can practically urinate at will! I have this stupid image in my mind of them beating down their opponents, chugging down those drinks, and standing around holding their dicks (and diddling every open hole in sight) for that half an hour just waiting for that Urination roll. Hell, they probably carry huge funnels so they can be extra quick with getting in the 256 ounces (and +80 mod) that will all but guarantee a "flood". Fucking shit, they probably have greasy T-shirts over their armor that say "PENIS! CUNT! ANAL CIRCUMFERENCE! Put a condom on my head, I'm a FATALITE!" God with a flying orgasm, SenZar has never looked so mature and deep as it does this fucking moment."


Resource Consumer
06-09-2005, 11:16:16
Terrific. I think Le Reynolds writes a real mean review. There are too many good bits but I rather liked this mild part

Sartin: On the "bright" side, FATAL is arguably not as mind-numbingly written as Aria or Multiverser. On the "you haven't been huffing butane" side, that's much like saying "Okay, so I slid naked down a giant greased razor blade, but at least I'm not the guy who was thrown into a vat of fire ants."
In both cases, either outcome is totally stupid and painful, and the party responsible should be gang-beaten with cattle prods until the God of Bitch-Slapping finally comes down and says "Alright, I think he's had enough..." Except that in the most obnoxious case of all these, the God would suddenly add "Oh, wait, this was for writing FATAL, wasn't it? Here, let me recharge those for you."

Yes, I'm actually saying that writing FATAL is more worthy of a cattle prod beating than throwing someone into a vat of fire ants.

Resource Consumer
06-09-2005, 11:47:26
And this one really takes the biscuit (if indeed biscuit is the right word)

Sartin: Their knowledge of nipples is sadly lacking, too: "A nipple that is not erect may have no length whatsoever." Come on. Even recluses who wank to porn know better than that. And it's nice to see that both "nymphomaniacs" and "sluts" have separate modifiers to the Vaginal Circumference roll. That might keep them from rolling too low a circumference for even an average infant to pass through.
And I love that Vaginal Depth Potential: "A female’s Vaginal Depth Potential equals her height in feet converted to inches (such as a female of 5’ 6” becoming equivalent to 5 1/2”), and then (2d20)% is added."

It doesn't amaze me that Hall felt this was so important that such a detailed rule was needed for it. If he's ever fucked, it was missionary and in total darkness.

And there's your Anal Circumference roll, in case someone needs to figure out if they can fit their penis or blade or fist (yes, there's a Fist Circumference roll, too) in there. Try to get out of rolling it, though, because you don't wanna read sentences like "Should any anus be stretched beyond the limit as determined by the table below, which differs from anus to anus, the orifice will rip to accommodate the incoming object. First, consider all relevant modifiers, then roll percentile dice and proceed to the following table" without the assistance of alcohol.

Of course, no true discussion of FATAL would be complete without Hymen Resistance, too. This is a 5d20 roll for female virgins, the result of which is the percent chance per intercourse that the hymen will resist breaking. They must grow membranes pretty tough in FATALworld...the average roll for that is around 52%, and I'm pretty damn sure they break way more often than that. While we're on the subject, the length of the intercourse or the size of the man's manhood don't figure into the breakage roll at all. God fucking almighty. You can't even stick your dick in the realism here.

06-09-2005, 13:06:02
:lol: Maybe I should start a guild called FATAL on a WoW RP server

The Mad Monk
08-09-2005, 21:08:41
And while we're on the subject, it's cool that Kinetic Charisma is entirely separate from Hand-Eye Coordination and Agility. That's right! You can be the clumsiest, most spastic sack of shit who ever lived, and yet still inspire boners because the way you pick up that bottle of Jack Daniels to help you get through this game is just so Kinetically Charismatic.

I can't dance, I can't talk, only thing about me is the way that I walk...