View Full Version : Scottish Jokes

18-08-2005, 12:03:16
How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Och! It's no auw that dark!

18-08-2005, 12:05:57

18-08-2005, 14:26:50
Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"

18-08-2005, 14:27:18

18-08-2005, 14:29:48
A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says
"I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?"
The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid"
He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"

18-08-2005, 14:33:13
A plane was shot down over Iraq and Saddam Hussain captured a Scotsman,an Englishman and an Australian. Saddam says "I'm not as cruel as George Bush says I am You will be given 50 lashes each but you can have whatever you want on your back"
The Australian goes first and asks for the finest Kangaroo hide there is to cover his back. This is granted and he receives the kangaroo hide before he receives 50 lashes. His back is all torn and bleeding but he survives.
The Englishman says "I will take it as it comes I will have nothing on my back and will be proud to bear the scars" he shouts defiantly"Stiff upper lip you know eh what" His wish is granted and he receives his 50 lashes, his back torn and bleeding, his ribs fractured and protruding, a terrible mess to behold.
"Now Jock It's your turn you have the same choice as the other two what would you like on your back" says Saddam.
Jock replies quickly and without hesitation "I'll have the Englishman"

18-08-2005, 14:36:27

18-08-2005, 14:36:39

18-08-2005, 14:38:26
[i] "I'll have the Englishman" [/B] remind that one Tizzy

18-08-2005, 14:39:00

18-08-2005, 14:40:08

18-08-2005, 14:47:26
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions:
“I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg.”
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could right between his legs.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching himself and howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said,
“Now its my turn to kick you.”

The Scotsman said, “Keep the damn egg.”

18-08-2005, 14:49:15

18-08-2005, 14:49:24
:lol: :lol:

18-08-2005, 15:00:50
Sandy was drinking at a pub all night. When he got up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand again, but to no avail, falling flat on his face. He decided to crawl outside and get some fresh air to see whether that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and, sure enough, fell flat on his face. So, being a practical Scot, he crawled all the way home.
When he got to the door, he stood up yet again, but fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door into his bedroom. When he reached his bed, he tried once more to stand upright. This time he managed to pull himself to his feet but fell into bed. He was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He woke the next morning to his wife shaking him and shouting, "So, ye've been oot drinkin' as usual!" "Why would ye say that?" he complained innocently.
"Because the pub called an' ye left yer wheelchair there again!"

Greg W
18-08-2005, 15:14:14
A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!

He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"

He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Greg W
18-08-2005, 15:17:00
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall ,holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently.

Then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo time aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.

Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. The the two turned once again to gaze out over the lock before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well,noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"


18-08-2005, 15:22:29

Greg W
18-08-2005, 15:23:56
3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scot, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."

So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.

The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

19-08-2005, 07:29:03
Some good ones. I liked the egg one best.

19-08-2005, 09:09:35
Many I've heard before but the nationalities have been changed.

Nills Lagerbaak
19-08-2005, 09:25:39
Yeah, you may have heard this one in another guise.

Englishman Irishman and Scotsman are sitting together on their lunch break.
Enlishman opens up his lunch box and says "Oh how ghastly! Cheese and pickle sandwiches again? If I have one more day of this I'm going to drown myself in that there pool"
Irishman opens up his lunchbox and goes "ooh dats not roit, guiness sandwiches again?! If I get guiness sandwiches one moire toim I'm gonna drown moi slef in that there pool!"

Scotsman opens up his lunchbox and exclaims "Haggis sandwich again. Och nooo! If I get Haggisw one more time I'm gonnae throw myself in that there pool"

So next day the three men convene at the usual time, usual place.

Englishman: Cheese and Pickle again!? - Drowns himself in the pool

Irishman: Guiness again?! - Drowns himself in the pool
?Scotsman: Haggis again?! - Drowns himself in the pool.

The day after that, the three grieveing mothers are sitting together. The Englishmans mo0ther says "If I knew he hated chese and pickle so much I would never have made him them...sob sob"

The Irish lady replies "to be sure, if oid known he hated guiness so much I woul dnever have made them for him...sob...sob..."

The scots lady who has been silent till now, shakes her head and says "I donnae understand it.....he always made his own sandwiches."