View Full Version : Scientific Flying Sheep

20-06-2005, 18:00:08
Just for the norks...



A small set of a gate in the country overlooking a field. A real rustic in smock and floppy hat is leaning on the gate. A city gent on holiday appears behind him. Off-screen baa-ing noises throughout.
City Gent Good afternoon.
Rustic Afternoon.
City Gent A lovely day isn't it.
Rustic Eh, 'tis that.
City Gent You here on holiday or...?
Rustic Nope, I live 'ere.
City Gent Oh, jolly good too. (surveys field; he looks puzzled) I say, those are sheep aren't they?
Rustic Ar.
City Gent Yes, yes of course, I thought so...only...er why are they up in the trees?
Rustic A fair question and one that in recent weeks has been much on my mind. It's my considered opinion that they're nesting.
City Gent Nesting?
Rustic Ar.
City Gent Like birds?
Rustic Ar. Exactly. Birds is the key to the whole problem. It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under the misapprehension that they're birds. Observe their behavior. Take for a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field on their back legs. (off-screen baa-ing) Now witness their attempts to fly from tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as...plummet. (sound of sheep plummeting) Observe for example that ewe in that oak tree. She is clearly trying to teach her lamb to fly. (baaaaaa...thump) Talk about the blind leading the blind.
City Gent But why do they think they're birds?
Rustic Another fair question. One thing is for sure; a sheep is not a creature of the air. They have enormous difficulty in the comparatively simple act of perchin'. (crash) As you see. As for flight, its body is totally unadapted to the problems of aviation. Trouble is, sheep are very dim. Once they get an idea in their heads, there's no shifting it.
City Gent But where did they get the idea from?
Rustic From Harold. He's that sheep there over under the elm. He's that most dangerous of animals, a clever sheep. He's the ring-leader. He has realized that a sheep's life consists of standing around for a few months and then being eaten. And that's a depressing prospect for an ambitious sheep. He's patently hit on the idea of escape.
City Gent Well why don't you just get rid of Harold?
Rustic Because of the enormous commercial possibilities should he succeed.

Two Frenchmen stand in front of a diagram of a sheep adapted for flying. They speak rapidly in French, much of it pseudo.

First Frenchman Bonsoir - ici nous avons les diagrammes modernes d'un mouton anglo-français ... maintenant ... baa-aa, baa-aa... nous avons, dans la tête, le cabinc. Ici, on se trouve le petit capitaine Anglais, Monsieur Trubshawe.

Second Frenchman Vive Brian, wherever you are.

First Frenchman D'accord, d'accord. Maintenant, je vous présente mon collègue, le pouf célèbre, Jean-Brian Zatapathique.

Transfers his moustache to Second Frenchman

Second Frenchman Maintenant, le mouton ... le landing ... les wheels, bon.

Opens diagram to show wheels on sheep's legs.

First Frenchman Bon, les wheels, ici.

Second Frenchman C'est formidable, n'est ce pas ... (unintelligibly indicates motor at rear of sheep)

First Frenchman Les voyageurs ... les bagages ... ils sont ... ici!

Triumphantly opens the rest of the diagram to reveal the whole brilliant arrangement. They run round flapping their arms and baa-ing. Cut to pepperpots in supermarket with off-screen interviewer.

The Norks
20-06-2005, 19:25:42