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Ninja Hampster
04-04-2002, 05:27:39
But i like feedback....

The cold vacum of space can be heard through your suits sonic filter. The harsh hiss of Oxygen seeping through a breach in your ships hull is like a death rattle. Klaxons are blarring in your ear, accompanied by the blinding flashes of the red warning lights. Your Co-Pilot lays dead in his pilots chair. The Naeron Ion spike had come through the view shield, impaling him to the seat.. "Like a nail in wood" you think as you scramble over fallen cooling/heating pipes towards the emergency beam out station. Blood can be seen streaming down your faceplate as you wander towards your goal in a dazed state. You cant even feel the pain of the shrapnal that hit you when the Ion spike breached the view shield, and sent shards of Stel into your control station. As well as your entire upper body. Your suits vacum support armor (V.S.A) stopped most of the blast, but a rather nasty shard made it into your Comm unit built into the head unit of the suit. It seems thats not all it made through to. You hit the activater on the B.O. Station, sending your body at the speed of light 500,000 meters away (5 K,s). You watch from eerie silence as your ship explodes under another barrage of Ion Spikes and Shriek Lasers. You slowly drift in the void you beamed to, like a lost soul, wandering the planes of a spirit world on a distant planet. You see the Naeron scout ship pass your cargo frieghter, sending the peices sailing towards an unkown moon as its main engines fire up. You realize they are on an intercept course for all thats left of the ship.... You. The question pops into your head like a burning sun. The question you never thought you would have to anwser. The one they taught you about in flight school before you launched on your first mission. Use the poison SeiT that was carried in all human suits in the universe, and die a painless death. Or risk being captured and tortured by the Naeron... That question would have to be anwsered now..

Koshko
04-04-2002, 06:05:12
I assume that's a part of a much bigger story. It's good.

Drekkus
04-04-2002, 07:32:43
Although burning suns rarely pop up in my mind, I really want to know what THE question is. Would be fun if it was something really vague, like: 'what is the kinetic energy level of the green bouncing smilie?'

Shouldn't this be in the creative writing section? Peices of frieghters sure sounds creative to me.

Vincent Fandango
04-04-2002, 07:34:40
Too many words

Drekkus
04-04-2002, 07:36:22
It's only one paragraph.

Sir Penguin
04-04-2002, 08:11:44
Too many paragraphs.

SP

Resource Consumer
04-04-2002, 08:44:19
We do have a literature forum, you know.

Vincent Fandango
04-04-2002, 09:11:41
We need a grammar forum as well

Shining1
04-04-2002, 10:15:05
Give the boy a break. Twas good:).

(Yeah, okay, preferably a line break or two, but...)

Drekkus
04-04-2002, 11:20:43
Dismissing comments at forehand as: 'not that they matter' gives people more room to be less kind. And the comments weren't even that negative, just on spellling and layout.

Vincent Fandango
04-04-2002, 11:24:54
Where are the days when "u suck" was considered a good comment? Long, long gone.

King_Ghidra
04-04-2002, 11:26:43
My personal opinion is that stories written from the 'you blah blah this, you blah blah that' are a real turn-off. Why not 'I blah blah this, I blah blah that' or 'Buzz Lightyear blah blah this, Buzz Lightyear blah blah that'?
The story is about someone else, not me.

The funny things is I only ever see stories written like this on the internet - when i used to browse Literotica.com i was literally turned off by the stories written like that :o

Drekkus
04-04-2002, 11:31:01
Damn, just read the last bit of the story again and saw that THE question was already stated. Now I've lost interest, not all, but still some. It would have been a good cliffhanger, what will that damn question be?


KG, many, many times stories that start off in the you form magically turn to the I-mode somewhere halfway, when writers get involved in their own story too much.

Vincent Fandango
04-04-2002, 11:38:38
Easy. the question is "r u a gay twat?"

Maybe I should start writing german stories? Even if they are bad, they would annoy Venom

"Es war einer der üblichen regnerischen und grauen Tage, und selbst das einst so stolze Forum, dessen äußere Erscheinung zum Abglanz früherer Größe und Allgegenwärtigkeit herabgesunken war, schein sich unter der Last des sich gegen den Herbst aufbäumenden Nordosts zu ducken ..."

Drekkus
04-04-2002, 11:51:02
Now that is writing. Is that Goethe? That quote of his is one of my favorites:

'Das Leben ist kein Lölletje'.

Vincent Fandango
04-04-2002, 11:57:51
This is Goethe:

Eins wie's andre

Die Welt ist ein Sardellen-Salat;
Er schmeckt uns früh, er schmeckt uns spat:
Zitronen-Scheibchen rings umher,
Dann Fischlein, Würstlein, und was noch mehr
In Essig und Öl zusammenrinnt,
Kapern, so künftige Blumen sind -
Man schluckt sie zusammen wie Ein Gesind.


here (http://www.geocities.com/Athens/8307/sauerkraut/sauerk9.htm)

that's the worst piece of shit/lyric I know.

Ninja Hampster
05-04-2002, 02:37:29
i wrote it out in an msn messanger window, thus no indentations..

second.. its in the you see format because im heavily addicted to DMing V:TM games, thus i am used to writing like that


second, it was a combination of story and elaborate RPing.. but i just wrote it to write it...

i didnt post it in the creative writing forum (although i did after i posted it here) because there are more people here...

.. i dont write... so i have no idea about any rules that apply
i dont pay attention in engrish class either...

.. i just posted it to post it...

for the hell of it

because i can.

thanks for the comments

Lurker
05-04-2002, 06:08:31
2 mene wrdz iz stoopid