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View Full Version : Steven Seagal vs Jean Claude Van Damme


Funko
02-06-2005, 16:05:21
VOTE!

Venom
02-06-2005, 16:10:49
Now this is a contest...both wildly overrated martial artists and actors..who's the best? Or the worst?

Funko
02-06-2005, 16:11:46
Exactly I leave it up to you whether you vote for the best or the worst or how you judge those two things.

Venom
02-06-2005, 16:14:59
Or even, who would win in a fight?

Or who runs more like a girl?

protein
02-06-2005, 16:29:41
Steven Seagal is a genuine martial artist. 7th dan in Aikido but he's also studied Kali and Goju-Ryu Karate.

Van Damme did karate when he was a kid but went on to study classical ballet for five years. That's why he can do beautiful and completely meaningless kicks. In real life Seagal would rip him to shreds.

Another thing to consider, Seagal is massive and Van Damme is a tiny wee fellow.

Funko
02-06-2005, 16:32:27
In general Seagal's movies sucked much more than Van Dammes though and he was an even worse actor and you wouldn't have thought that was possible.

Nav
02-06-2005, 16:50:34
Van Damme has a fictional twin and Seagal doesn't.

Beat that.

Venom
02-06-2005, 17:39:07
Also, Seagal really does run like a girl.

Lazarus and the Gimp
02-06-2005, 21:10:53
Originally posted by protein
Steven Seagal is a genuine martial artist. 7th dan in Aikido but he's also studied Kali and Goju-Ryu Karate.

Van Damme did karate when he was a kid but went on to study classical ballet for five years. That's why he can do beautiful and completely meaningless kicks. In real life Seagal would rip him to shreds.

Another thing to consider, Seagal is massive and Van Damme is a tiny wee fellow.

Another thing to consider. Seagal's really gone to seed over recent years, and is now a big fat biffa.

Japher
02-06-2005, 21:17:05
Steven Segal vs. Van Dame vs. Chuck Walker Texas Norris Ranger vs. Hillary Swank vs. Ralph Machio vs. Hong Kong Fui

mr.G
02-06-2005, 21:46:26
heil snorris

JM^3
02-06-2005, 21:47:48
yeah.. where is Chuck Norris?

JM

mr.G
02-06-2005, 21:49:36
SNORRIS

SNORRIS

SNORRIS

SNORRIS

SNORRIS

Kitsuki
02-06-2005, 22:07:11
Vin Diesel would kill them all with his x-ray vision.

FACT.

Lazarus and the Gimp
02-06-2005, 22:07:27
Bruce!

Venom
02-06-2005, 22:11:29
When Bruce Lee rises and starts using zombie kung fu on everyone he's going to site that poster as a main reason why he came back to kick ass.

Also, a zombie kung fu movie would totally rule. If done the right way.

Lazarus and the Gimp
02-06-2005, 22:16:42
Like "Bubba-Ho-Tep"?

Japher
02-06-2005, 22:36:04
Also, a zombie kung fu movie would totally rule. If done the right way

Rotting Tiger, Zombie Gaiden!

Kitsuki
02-06-2005, 22:51:13
Jackie Chan would also be up for some major pawnage with his spasming arms stance:

http://www.annotatedmst.com/episodes/masterninja1/jackie%20chan.jpg

Japher
02-06-2005, 23:08:20
You aren't allowed in this poll if you did Disney movies.

MRT144
03-06-2005, 02:03:32
seagal. that dude shows no mercy in his movies

protein
03-06-2005, 02:09:28
I know someone who is a master in that style (northern praying mantis).

Venom
03-06-2005, 02:15:35
Also called, double eye poke.

mr.G
03-06-2005, 06:14:10
Never seen my one-eyed-snake-trick did you?

Koshko
03-06-2005, 06:36:12
Seagal's movies have 'morals' implanted into them and appear more often on USA. Plus he's fat and thus never goes shirtless. He wins.

mr.G
03-06-2005, 06:43:33
I think he is the last of the Fat Ninjas

http://www.ninjaburger.com/comic/chars/coworkers.jpg

Funko
03-06-2005, 09:18:26
Chuck Norris is too shit to get into this contest. By which I mean his films obviously not his martial arts ability.

Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan are too good - for different reasons.

The Higgelhoff
03-06-2005, 10:14:32
What about Sly Stallone?

mr.G
03-06-2005, 10:15:56
He got beaten by birgit nielsen, what about him?

Funko
03-06-2005, 10:16:45
Sly Stallone would be vs Arnie. His obvious rival.

MDA
03-06-2005, 12:09:24
Van Damme is from Quebec. He wins, that trumps anything Segal can bring.

Provost Harrison
03-06-2005, 12:12:49
Van Damme is just too strong for one Steven Seagal. Perhaps what is needed is a 'flock of Seagals' :p :lol: :D

Funko
03-06-2005, 12:13:47
Originally posted by MDA
Van Damme is from Quebec. He wins, that trumps anything Segal can bring.

Own goal

He's from Belgium.

He's the only reason there is an answer to the question "Name a famous Belgian" (no you aren't allowed Poirot, he's fictional).

protein
03-06-2005, 12:40:41
That film where Seagal is a chef and he single handedly takes out all the baddies on a warship is a masterpiece. It shits on anything that ballet dancing dwarf has ever done. Jean Claude's films are like the fighting is done in slow motion its so laboured and unnatural for him.

MDA
03-06-2005, 12:52:52
Originally posted by Funko
Own goal

He's from Belgium.

He's the only reason there is an answer to the question "Name a famous Belgian" (no you aren't allowed Poirot, he's fictional).

Sorry, inside joke gone wrong. He's from Coo-beck in one of his movies, I guess, and we always made fun of the way he said it.

Over the years, it got refiled as truth. :lol:

Be very, very careful what you put into that head; because you will never, ever get it out. - Cardinal Thomas(?) Wolsey

Venom
03-06-2005, 12:59:56
Originally posted by protein
That film where Seagal is a chef and he single handedly takes out all the baddies on a warship is a masterpiece. It shits on anything that ballet dancing dwarf has ever done. Jean Claude's films are like the fighting is done in slow motion its so laboured and unnatural for him.

Oh yes Under Siege is a classic. I have that one on DVD.

I will say that Lionheart and Kickboxer were both on last night and they weren't as bad as I remembered.

King_Ghidra
03-06-2005, 13:08:47
Never ever forget Seagal's Marked For Death. A superbly quotable film thanks to the number of Rastafarian characters.

On the van damme front, the Street Fighter II-style Blood Sport was pretty good.

I like seagal because he doesn't do big kicks he just twists the baddies round by their fingers and makes them run into each other and stuff. Also he has a ridiculous ponytail, a stupid big jacket and his legs appear to be two sizes too small. He is a most unlikely film star.

Funko
03-06-2005, 13:50:59
Originally posted by protein
That film where Seagal is a chef and he single handedly takes out all the baddies on a warship is a masterpiece. It shits on anything that ballet dancing dwarf has ever done. Jean Claude's films are like the fighting is done in slow motion its so laboured and unnatural for him.

It does have Erika Eleniak popping out of a cake topless but other than that it's pretty shit as far as I remember.

It's no Kickboxer or Hard Target that's for sure.

protein
03-06-2005, 13:58:01
If you have anything more than the slightest interest in real martial arts you can't help but get upset and angry at van damme bullshit.

The homo-erotic focus on his ballet-sculpted physique instead of fast paced exciting real action also gets on my tits. I'd rather see a big guy doing fast as fuck filipino knife fighting on a warship than a slow motion ballet kick any day.

Venom
03-06-2005, 14:08:30
You cannot malign Under Seige. That's a great movie. Easily better than Kixkboxer.

Funko
03-06-2005, 14:22:43
Originally posted by protein
If you have anything more than the slightest interest in real martial arts you can't help but get upset and angry at van damme bullshit.


Well I don't have any interest in real martial arts.

Seagal is an such a bad actor he makes Van Damme look like a member of the RSC.

Under Siege wasn't as bad as his others but I wouldn't say it was good and he hasn't done another decent movie has he?

Chris
03-06-2005, 14:24:12
It sucked, all I remember about it was seagal saying 'what about my pies?'

BTW, Chucky kicks these two homos asses, he beat off an entire terrorist invasion back before terrorism was popular.

http://www.wasteoftechnology.com/reviews/invasionusa/norrisbig.jpg

Venom
03-06-2005, 14:29:09
You people busting on Under Siege are idiots of the highest class.

Chris
03-06-2005, 14:30:07
What about my pies?

Venom
03-06-2005, 14:42:44
The man loves pie. He obviously got fat off them.

Chris
03-06-2005, 14:46:33
I also seem to recall Brain damaged Gary Busey running around in drag in that movie.

King_Ghidra
03-06-2005, 14:47:09
sure it wasn't a wet dream?

Lazarus and the Gimp
03-06-2005, 14:59:36
Originally posted by protein
If you have anything more than the slightest interest in real martial arts you can't help but get upset and angry at van damme bullshit.

The homo-erotic focus on his ballet-sculpted physique instead of fast paced exciting real action also gets on my tits. I'd rather see a big guy doing fast as fuck filipino knife fighting on a warship than a slow motion ballet kick any day.

You're slinging homo-erotic accusations around, but (let's face it) martial arts are where a group of boys get together to wear fetish gear and wrestle each other, with crypto-fascistic ranking systems, before hitting the showers. I think you're on pretty shaky ground there.

Funko
03-06-2005, 15:02:48
Although Van Damme was in a gay porn film so the accusations have a bit more weight where he's concerned.

Chris
03-06-2005, 15:12:25
Seagal looks like he should be in gay porn.

King_Ghidra
03-06-2005, 15:34:57
i'm not familiar with such things, i'll have to take your word for it

Venom
03-06-2005, 15:38:21
You've been up more asses than a proctologist's finger.

Drekkus
03-06-2005, 15:51:28
Van Damme is a gay belgian, Steven Seagal just sucks.

Lurker the Second
03-06-2005, 15:52:56
Originally posted by Lazarus and the Gimp
You're slinging homo-erotic accusations around, but (let's face it) martial arts are where a group of boys get together to wear fetish gear and wrestle each other, with crypto-fascistic ranking systems, before hitting the showers. I think you're on pretty shaky ground there.

:lol: Nothing like perspective.

protein
03-06-2005, 16:09:34
That's martial arts where you come from? Are you greek?

Where I come from it's where men and women of all ages learn to fight.

King_Ghidra
03-06-2005, 16:17:27
laz comes from the west country, the mind boggles as to what martial arts means round there

Nills Lagerbaak
03-06-2005, 16:17:37
But Steven Seagal has a pony tail.

Nills Lagerbaak
03-06-2005, 16:19:51
Originally posted by King_Ghidra
laz comes from the west country, the mind boggles as to what martial arts means round there

I belive it involves prancing around an apple tree hittin it with sticks

King_Ghidra
03-06-2005, 16:21:11
:lol:

Originally posted by Nills Lagerbaak
But Steven Seagal has a pony tail.

exactly, that makes him the quintessential cheesy american martial arts-looking dude

protein
03-06-2005, 16:22:03
Doesn't it involve stuffing straw down your trousers and kicking your friends really fucking hard?

protein
03-06-2005, 16:23:08
http://www.iskratv.co.uk/sns1/clips/cfC/ukh001_005.html

King_Ghidra
03-06-2005, 16:25:02
Pain and pleasure combine

maybe if you're insane

Nills Lagerbaak
03-06-2005, 16:39:43
Originally posted by protein
http://www.iskratv.co.uk/sns1/clips/cfC/ukh001_005.html

"Oi! Mate, what do you think you're doing? Me? I'm just enjoying the shindig"

Lazarus and the Gimp
03-06-2005, 18:18:03
Originally posted by protein
That's martial arts where you come from? Are you greek?

Where I come from it's where men and women of all ages learn to fight.

AHA! There you go! Round this way, men and women snog and shag each other. Owned! QED!

Shining1
05-06-2005, 02:26:07
The first half of Under Siege was fucking brilliant.

Then it just sucked. Van Damme wins because he at least *tried* to act, even if he wasn't very good at it.

OldWarrior_42
05-06-2005, 09:13:33
Jason Statham and Jeff Speakman both, own Seagal and VD. ( :D ) (Ha... I called him a sexually transmitted disease.... Ha fuckin ha)

Chris
05-06-2005, 14:43:45
Laughing at your own jokes is incredibly gay.

Tizzy
05-06-2005, 21:02:34
Today's OC (Funko made me watch it, ok?!) started with a debate about Seagal vs Van Damme vs Stallone and a few others.

The OC is turning into CG :eek:

JM^3
05-06-2005, 22:46:15
OC?

JM

Provost Harrison
05-06-2005, 22:48:31
Own Coal :D

Tizzy
05-06-2005, 22:58:12
Something like that!!

Orange County, showing on Channel 4 here, it's been mentioned in a couple of threads lately.

Funko
05-06-2005, 23:33:12
Originally posted by Tizzy
Today's OC (Funko made me watch it, ok?!) started with a debate about Seagal vs Van Damme vs Stallone and a few others.

The OC is turning into CG :eek:

That constitutes making you watch it? :hmm:

Shining1
06-06-2005, 03:18:13
Gotta be better than Aussie soaps, at least. =)

OldWarrior_42
07-06-2005, 05:09:05
Laughing at your own jokes is incredibly gay.

Bite me. I was mocking Van Dam in a sarcastic manner... so that means I am not gay. :-P~~

I do scratch my balls on occasion. Does that make me gay, Dom?

:D

Venom
07-06-2005, 13:33:56
Originally posted by Funko
That constitutes making you watch it? :hmm:

For the same bizzare reason you post here.

Funko
07-06-2005, 13:39:27
Huh?

Tizzy
07-06-2005, 15:35:50
That's not even Venglish, that's a whole new language.

Venom
07-06-2005, 15:54:47
Venglish is a whole new language.

Funko
07-06-2005, 15:57:41
It was, now it's an old language.

Tizzy
07-06-2005, 15:58:12
A whole other new language

Venom
07-06-2005, 16:06:59
It's the youngest of the languages.

Tizzy
07-06-2005, 16:08:32
Maybe it needs to grow up?

Venom
07-06-2005, 16:12:57
It likes to live in Neverneverland.

Tizzy
07-06-2005, 16:14:04
Neverneverland doesn't want it anymore

Venom
07-06-2005, 16:15:13
Too bad, it has tenure.