View Full Version : Banks, bondage, balanced midfields and the Bath of Temptation

08-04-2005, 22:38:43
Shakey's thread about opening a joint bank account with his missus reminded me of this little bit I wrote a few months ago. It was supposed to be part of a series, but this is the only one I could be bothered to do in the end.

Those of you with an adult attention span might even be able to read the whole thing.

Banks, bondage, balanced midfields and the Bath of Temptation

Is there anything more serious and grown-up than the joint bank account? The thought of someone, even my beloved Emily, having unfettered access to my money is enough to bring on a panic attack; yet this is what we are discussing. It might seem like a good plan for all sorts of practical reasons, but that doesnít stop me feeling slightly uneasy about it. Why should I have this reaction? When you consider that I donít even have any money to speak of, and what little I do have is spent almost exclusively on Playstation games and Roloís, it seems hardly worth making a fuss over.

Itís not that Iím miserly, either Ė or at least Iíd like to think Iím not. I buy my round at the pub as freely as the next man; I donít mind if my flatmates borrow a tea bag or a couple of tomatoes; Iím always happy to give people a life in my car; if someone asks me if they can change a load of coppers for a 10p piece Iíll just give them the 10p and refuse all offers of compensation with a smile. Thatís the kind of guy I am: a good Samaritan and a real humanitarian, albeit one who hates having his pockets cluttered up with useless copper coins Ö which I fear loses me some karma points on that last example I gave. As it happens I donít have a car either, although I genuinely do have a very liberal attitude towards tomatoes.

The truly scary stuff about joint bank accounts (remember them?) doesnít stop there, though. Not only will Emily have access to my money, but perhaps most horrifyingly of all, I will have access to hers. It remains to be seen whether I will have the will-power necessary to resist all those impulse purchases we would all make if only it werenít our own money we were spending. The possibility exists that Em will come home one day to find me sitting in a bath full of half-melted Roloís whilst attempting to play three games of Pro Evolution Soccer simultaneously, but I guess those are just the risks you have to take in any relationship.

For these reasons it seems to me that opening a joint bank account requires a level of trust and commitment that things such as co-habitation, marriage, parenthood or sadomasochistic sex cannot come close to. With the latter of these, at least, thereís a mutually agreed safe word that one part can utter if they feel as though theyíve become too committed and want to extract themselves from the situation. If only other aspects of relationships could be escaped so easily. I feel sure that many a nervous bridegroom, when standing at the altar and seeing his blushing bride walk elegantly down the aisle to join him in the state of holy matrimony, has felt the sudden urge to start screaming ďTEDDY BEAR! TEDDY BEAR!Ē at the top of his voice in the desperate hope that this will somehow cause the whole affair to come to a swift and amicable termination.

Despite these perfectly reasonable concerns, however, the proposed merger of assets is set to go ahead in the near future. We all have to make these compromises for the ones we love, I guess. Only the other week, for example, I waxed lyrically about my predication for the England v Wales football match over a morning cup of tea in bed with the aforementioned Emily. I was terribly insightful about how Erikssonís proposed 4-3-3 formation was intriguing, but could prove vulnerable if Mark Hughes chose to play Bellamy on the right wing and flood the midfield in an effort to control the pace of the game early doors. I went on to expound my theories on how the England side might be able to makes the most of their abundance of talent at centre-back, how Iím not convinced Wayne Bridge is the answer to the thorny question of midfield balance, and how I feel the ability of Mark Pembridge to mark Wayne Rooney would have a big impact on who would pick up the three points at Old Trafford.

She was making appreciative noises throughout, but I couldnít help noticing that her eyes glazed over and drifted back to her book before I got through the first sentence. Still, she gamely sat through all my pontificating without complaint, bless her, and faked sufficient interest in the things I had to say during the match itself. It canít have been a very scintillating afternoon for her, and I did say that whenever I started talking about football in future she should feel free to say ďStrawberry!Ē at any time, but I donít think she understood what I meant.

08-04-2005, 23:07:58
Not bad. Lacking in any conclusion or a well-defined ending. Just sort of stops. Bring it home with a moral or a point or even just a concluding paragraph that lets you know the thing's about to be over.

08-04-2005, 23:09:32
Some good imagery. Definitely made me chuckle a couple of times.

08-04-2005, 23:11:25
Originally posted by fp


Qaj the Fuzzy Love Worm
09-04-2005, 00:27:48
Originally posted by fp
I donít mind if my flatmates borrow a tea bag or a couple of tomatoes;

"I'll give them back when I'm done with them." :gasmaske:

Greg W
09-04-2005, 00:58:35

09-04-2005, 01:51:55
More of an Autumn vibe really.

Qaj the Fuzzy Love Worm
09-04-2005, 03:47:09
Summary: I'm scared to commit.