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View Full Version : GRAND AUCTION!


BumSpud
22-02-2005, 00:27:08
This place has recently come to my attention as a bustling, lively tardmarket. A place where the poster of above average intelligence can leisurely select his chosen tard, tuck it under his brawny, masculine arm, and heft the skinny squealing thing back to his lair for further interrogation, mental dissection, and bizarre scientific experiments involving German Shepherds and Siamese twins.

However, it seems you are without an auctioneer, a sorry state of affairs for a busy little place like this. You need someone to run the day to day sales, an experienced tard trader who knows the ins and outs of the business.

That's right, you wretched little vulvic warts, you need... ME.

I know all the perks and pitfalls of commercial tard transactions, having been an official licensed tard dealer on several dubious internet sites. I once sold a fine tard to Prince Charles, with a little bow round it's neck and holding a box of Ferrero Rocher. I have also traded in imbeciles, mongoloids, spastics and halfwits, and once had a natty line in degenerate cretins. So it's blindingly obvious that I am the finest candidate for the job.

Let's get started.

Lot #1: Greg W

This is a simply fantastic lot. If you can iron out the latent homosexuality and get him to call you Daddy, this slobbering idiot could make fantastic breeding stock for the up-and-coming cretin farmer. Baseball cap comes as standard.

What am I bid for this rabid dunce?

The Bursar
22-02-2005, 00:28:26
A small rock!

Drekkus
22-02-2005, 00:29:08
baseball cap?

BumSpud
22-02-2005, 00:29:54
I have a small rock from the guy with the Bobby Charlton combover! Do I hear two small rocks, or perhaps a conker?

Sefirot
22-02-2005, 00:31:42
I've got some chewed bubblegum.

Drekkus
22-02-2005, 00:31:59
Bumspud, are you a gay nazi too?

zmama
22-02-2005, 00:32:14
A bottle of Old Peculiar

Sefirot
22-02-2005, 00:32:50
Is that what that person was sticking up his ass at that other site?

BumSpud
22-02-2005, 00:34:17
Originally posted by Drekkus
Bumspud, are you a gay nazi too?

I refuse to play dressup just so you can get your rocks off.

zmama
22-02-2005, 00:35:11
Damn...I love them gay nazi boys

HelloKitty
22-02-2005, 00:36:06
http://www.hermes-press.com/hitler_youth2.jpg

zmama
22-02-2005, 00:38:07
There's C@H..don't see Vinnie though

Drekkus
22-02-2005, 00:47:10
Originally posted by BumSpud
I refuse to play dressup just so you can get your rocks off. Scheisse

BumSpud
22-02-2005, 00:47:28
I'll take zmamas bid of a bottle of Old Peculiar up Sefirot's ass!

Are we all done... it's cheap as chips... fuck it, SOLD! To the disgustingly obese female at the back who has to wipe her arse with a rag on a stick!

Lot #2 HelloKitty

Interesting lot this... probably female, not sure what period it's from but it could do with a fresh tampon.

What's it worth to ya?

Venom
22-02-2005, 00:47:46
tardmarket :lol:

Drekkus
22-02-2005, 00:50:47
Originally posted by BumSpud
I'll take zmamas bid of a bottle of Old Peculiar up Sefirot's ass!

Are we all done... it's cheap as chips... fuck it, SOLD! To the disgustingly obese female at the back who has to wipe her arse with a rag on a stick!

Lot #2 HelloKitty

Interesting lot this... probably female, not sure what period it's from but it could do with a fresh tampon.

What's it worth to ya? Does it come with a cork?


:p

BumSpud
22-02-2005, 00:53:04
No. For safety reasons, the firing chamber is not loaded.

I am prepared to offer a range of ammunition, though - corks, ping pong balls, crappy flags with "BANG!" written on them, watermelons... however, you will need a Cavernous Vagina Operating License.

Venom
22-02-2005, 00:53:30
You're damn right she needs a new tampon. That dirty ho bleeds from everywhere.

HelloKitty
22-02-2005, 00:54:31
Thats because I won't let the dutch boy put his finger in me.

alsieboo
22-02-2005, 00:55:21
I have about 14p to bid for HK

BumSpud
22-02-2005, 00:55:29
Less backchat from the merchandise, dear.

The Bursar
22-02-2005, 00:55:58
Hah. 14p and a paperclip.

BumSpud
22-02-2005, 00:56:33
Originally posted by alsieboo
I have about 14p to bid for HK

We have a bid of 14p! Any higher bids, such as an unwanted keyring or a potato shaped like the Elephant Man's schlong?

alsieboo
22-02-2005, 00:57:13
14p, a paperclip, and some blank CDs!

Venom
22-02-2005, 00:57:25
How much is 14p in non-furriner money?

The Bursar
22-02-2005, 00:58:50
:( I can't match blank CDs.

Sefirot
22-02-2005, 00:59:43
Originally posted by Venom
tardmarket :lol:

I liked that too. He's much more creative then the other fucktards from yesterday.

jsorense
22-02-2005, 01:00:05
I'll give you Venom just to keep her.
Zat ok with you Keith?

protein
22-02-2005, 01:01:08
15p, five blank cds and a pint of milk.

Venom
22-02-2005, 01:02:03
Rancid milk or good milk?

alsieboo
22-02-2005, 01:02:25
oh you bastard, I'm a student, can't afford anything these days :(

The Bursar
22-02-2005, 01:03:27
I'll donate the milk to your bid if I can have her on Wednesdays and Fridays.

protein
22-02-2005, 01:04:46
No way, I'm not time sharing. I've always wanted a pet lesbian.

miester gandertak
22-02-2005, 01:04:57
15p & 6 empty bottles of die kanone

HelloKitty
22-02-2005, 01:05:00
Originally posted by Venom
How much is 14p in non-furriner money?

At the rate the dollar is going it will soon be 100000000$ usd.


Just to get the bidding up, I just sneezed and it smells very mucus rich.

Sefirot
22-02-2005, 01:05:06
Originally posted by The Bursar
Hah. 14p and a paperclip.

So is my chewed bubblegum ever going to buy me anything?

Venom
22-02-2005, 01:06:08
I think I should join the bidding. Get 2 members of the ToD on the same ticket. Could be devastating.

HelloKitty
22-02-2005, 01:06:32
Originally posted by Sefirot
So is my chewed bubblegum ever going to buy me anything?

Wait till they start selling the Germans.

alsieboo
22-02-2005, 01:06:33
Originally posted by The Bursar
I'll donate the milk to your bid if I can have her on Wednesdays and Fridays.

you got a deal there, and if you bring in your paperclip too, we can out bid that wanker protein!

Venom
22-02-2005, 01:06:44
3 dollars, at least 15 blank cds, and 4 tissues with my dried up spunk in them. Oh and anything else in my trash can.

The Bursar
22-02-2005, 01:07:05
Yeah!

The Bursar
22-02-2005, 01:07:56
Oh crap. 3 whole dollars. That's like more than 100p :(

BumSpud
22-02-2005, 01:09:12
Originally posted by protein
15p, five blank cds and a pint of milk.

We have a winner. I take only full fat blue-capped milk for payment, none of that watered-down green lidded shit. That's for people who eat Ryvita, the utter cunts.

Lot #3: The Bursar

Now, this is a lovely piece. A life-sized rubber replica of Gary Coleman, complete with three vibrating self-lubing orifices (mouth, anus, dodgy appendix scar) and REAL HAIR. Has various sexual perversions, is hopelessly addicted to Vicks Vaporub, and believes it can talk to sparrows. Endless fun either for the bedroom OR the office party!

We'll start the bidding with a chewed-up Lighthouse Family cassette.

Venom
22-02-2005, 01:09:43
Ha ha!

alsieboo
22-02-2005, 01:10:48
ooh! I can offer you a a slightly chewed Steps! - Step 1, B*wtiched, and various Michael Jackson, Simply Red and Right Said Fred cassettes

The Bursar
22-02-2005, 01:11:12
I fucking can talk to sparrows.

miester gandertak
22-02-2005, 01:11:36
mr bumspud, you really are a very good insult artist.
the best i ever met.
really really good really and insulting and all.
you make me laugh and you know what that is jolly.

Oerdin
22-02-2005, 01:13:08
Praise the lord!

BumSpud
22-02-2005, 01:13:43
I'd give you a sticky bum cuddle, but insult protocol dictates that this would be an inappropriate action at this current juncture.

I am therefore compelled to claim that you are a homosexual.

The Bursar
22-02-2005, 01:13:55
Please don't sell me for Simply Red cassettes. :cry:

alsieboo
22-02-2005, 01:15:24
Think of all the mick hucknall goodness I *wont* subject you too if I sell you for them.

HelloKitty
22-02-2005, 01:16:02
I will bid a quart jug of Louisiana hot sauce for Burser, and a coupon for cyber and a visit from the FBI with ajli!

Oerdin
22-02-2005, 01:16:11
I think I have a few early 90's rap CDs from back in the days when I was as young as our anal potato. Maybe one of them will work?

The Bursar
22-02-2005, 01:16:16
Thats true. Sell me for as much musical dross as possible.

BumSpud
22-02-2005, 01:20:43
Originally posted by Oerdin
I think I have a few early 90's rap CDs from back in the days when I was as young as our anal potato. Maybe one of them will work?

If you try to palm me off with any of that Vanilla Ice dross, I'll gut you in the car park. If it's MC Hammer, we can talk.

HelloKitty
22-02-2005, 01:21:40
It is venom ice!

zmama
22-02-2005, 01:22:12
Oh no no no

Venom ice

BumSpud
22-02-2005, 01:22:19
SILENCE, RETARD!

miester gandertak
22-02-2005, 01:24:53
silence?
this is a forum, do you think i am yelling at my computer?
i make excellent conversation with my microwave tho/

alsieboo
22-02-2005, 01:25:08
There's nothing wrong with Vanilla Ice! Could I buy him for some Prince?

Venom
22-02-2005, 01:28:14
Word to your mother.

BumSpud
22-02-2005, 01:29:17
No. Prince is far too short and hairy - he's like some weird kind of malignant elf. He scares me. He comes to me in my dreams and tries to put his hairy little finger in my bottom.

I scream sometimes.

Venom
22-02-2005, 01:33:43
Scream with pleasure.

BumSpud
22-02-2005, 01:36:56
Nope.

He chews his nails, you know. Leaves them all ragged.

Venom
22-02-2005, 01:38:07
Oooooh. Anus scraping should only be done by doctor.

Provost Harrison
22-02-2005, 01:54:05
Originally posted by BumSpud
If you try to palm me off with any of that Vanilla Ice dross, I'll gut you in the car park. If it's MC Hammer, we can talk.

STOP!...

hammer time :cute:

Oerdin
22-02-2005, 02:11:14
Originally posted by BumSpud
No. Prince is far too short and hairy - he's like some weird kind of malignant elf. He scares me. He comes to me in my dreams and tries to put his hairy little finger in my bottom.

Are you sure you aren't thinking of Michael Jackson? He's the one who likes sticking his fingers in little boys’ bottoms.

Still, BumSpud can't be all bad because he hates Prince so that puts him ahead of many people.

zmama
22-02-2005, 02:51:37
I like Prince

Greg W
22-02-2005, 03:56:32
Hey, not fair, Alsieboo wasn't on during my auction! :bash:

alsieboo
22-02-2005, 06:41:52
Zmama, I've always said you were a lady of great taste.

Greg, I'm sorry, but I'd have been outbid anyway. They're all plotting against me!

Jon Miller part Deux
22-02-2005, 07:09:00
Prince is a ponce.

HelloKitty
22-02-2005, 07:19:03
But he will kick your ass at basketball.

Jon Miller part Deux
22-02-2005, 07:19:54
Not likely since he's worried about his nails.

HelloKitty
22-02-2005, 07:22:04
Go here and watch b-ball with prince.

http://www.comedycentral.com/tv_shows/chappellesshow/showclips.jhtml?startIndex=7

Venom
22-02-2005, 13:05:38
Hilarious.

MDA
22-02-2005, 13:54:46
"and you damned sure didn't get that in the men's department"

Venom
22-02-2005, 13:57:50
3 best skits. Wayne Brady, Prince, and Rick James.

Drekkus
22-02-2005, 14:30:10
If spud's british, why isn't that wanker posting during the daytime?

The Bursar
22-02-2005, 14:52:26
He's in school?

Drekkus
22-02-2005, 14:55:29
Coule be, could be. Yet his writing is more mature then the other's, but that could just be because the others 5uX0r.