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Lazarus and the Gimp
03-02-2005, 20:07:04
Mission- roll out training on new imaging/workflow systems to 600 staff across three sites- Buckinghamshire and two in Somerset. Piece of piss.

Deadline- 3 weeks away. Ooooh crikey.

Problem 1- What we were told would be one integrated program is actually 5 autonomous programs. The fifth is still being written, and the other 4 don't like each other very much.

Problem 2- The 5 programs are being developed by three seperate companies. They don't like each other and try to avoid talking to each other. Their system, however, have to integrate seamlessly.

Problem 3- None of the five systems have user manuals yet.

Problem 4- The Buckinghamshire site has all the PC boxes in place, but nobody to set them up. One of the Somerset sites has someone to set them up, but no PC boxes. He won't travel. The second Somerset site has everything, but it's been set up wrong and doesn't work.

Problem 5- We haven't got enough PC boxes. The ones we need use NT4. Nobody makes NT4 boxes any more.

Problem 6- The deadline is not negotiable as the existing server will be decomisioned and several licences will expire.

Problem 7- The temp who can write the training software has gone sick.

Welcome to my job.

Venom
03-02-2005, 20:08:42
Yeah....that's uh....that's not gonna work.

Japher
03-02-2005, 20:09:03
So blow it off til next week and post some more

Lurker
03-02-2005, 20:16:32
Itssssssssssssss MILLER TIME!

Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr HAMMER TIME!

Whichever.

Lazarus and the Gimp
03-02-2005, 20:19:33
It goes against every fibre of my being, but I'm going to have to spend tomorrow shouting at, threatening, cajoling, ratting on, and starting legal action against people. On a Friday, godamnit. That's wrong.

Japher
03-02-2005, 20:25:48
you're going to love it

Lazarus and the Gimp
03-02-2005, 20:29:20
No I'm not. I have to remain professional and refrain from offensive behaviour or acts of violence. Even if they're seriously asking for it.

Venom
03-02-2005, 20:35:40
One could make an argument for the professional execution. Double-tap to the head.

Provost Harrison
03-02-2005, 20:38:42
Good luck Laz, bonk some heads as they say :lol:

zmama
03-02-2005, 20:40:13
make sure to pick up a very nice bottle of wine for tomorrow night...you'll need it

Lazarus and the Gimp
03-02-2005, 20:43:16
On the plus side, I managed to work the word "synergy" into a presentation today. A little piece of my soul died, but the sheer tidal wave of smugness I experienced almost made up for it.

Japher
03-02-2005, 20:45:14
One of the Somerset sites has someone to set them up, but no PC boxes. He won't travel.

Start with this guy.

miester gandertak
03-02-2005, 20:45:53
Fuck 'm all Laz.
Did you make the appointments deadlines and are you responsible for the improper equipment?

Fuck 'm, that's not work that's impossible.

Japher
03-02-2005, 20:47:04
Get it on tape... oooh! hire a camera crew to follow you around!

Provost Harrison
03-02-2005, 21:07:31
Surely he'll move a bit for The Right Money™.

I pride myself on my non-materialist nature and my socialist integrity, but I'll travel a bit for a while for The Right Money™.

Darkstar
03-02-2005, 22:28:42
Sorry to hear about your challenges, Laz.

So, it's alright to shout and threaten people on days other then Friday?

Dyl Ulenspiegel
04-02-2005, 08:46:45
Why aren't you just going medieval, Laz?

Lazarus and the Gimp
04-02-2005, 20:53:21
Originally posted by Darkstar

So, it's alright to shout and threaten people on days other then Friday?

You bet your arse it is.

Anyway, after a day of some considerable strife, we have a way forwards. It means that I'll be working 70 hour weeks for three weeks, but it should get us there.

Venom
04-02-2005, 20:57:52
Fuck that. I'd asassinate some people before I worked 70 hours a week.

Lazarus and the Gimp
04-02-2005, 21:03:03
The funniest part was this-

There are 20 Team Managers in one of the Somerset sites. After today, only 8 of them will have PC's, because I've stolen them. They're all hot-desking now. They hate me sooooooo much.

Venom
04-02-2005, 21:25:36
At least you're fucking up other people's lives.

Japher
04-02-2005, 21:27:11
It's more than a full time job

BigGameHunter
04-02-2005, 22:59:59
Beware--my wife's company (huge health insurance) tried a similar software rollout that ended up so FUBAR they had to layoff huge chunks of their workforce to make up for the massive loss of dollars (including my wife who was on maternity leave at the time!). End result: no new software, lots of missing workers, remaining workers overtaxed...ahh, the sweet, sweet corporate toilet spiral dance. Gotta love it.
Current employer no better.

Lazarus and the Gimp
04-02-2005, 23:04:49
This company is huge and has very deep pockets.

BigGameHunter
04-02-2005, 23:08:38
So was/is Blue Cross Blue Shield.
So was/is Totalfina.
So was/is Dow Chemical.

All companies I have (or wife has) been employed by, only to get it in the neck due to local branch mismanagement.

Not to say that's going to happen...and trust me, I am currently feeling similar violent dissatisfaction with autonomous, blind, groping, buck passing mis-handlers of simple tasks. Oh yes...we are brothers in arms.



*edited for increasingly disturbing same sounding word juxtapositions that I pray to god are not indicative of a festering brain tumor. Who's cooking almonds and oranges?

sleeping_satsuma
04-02-2005, 23:52:56
almonds and oranges?

HelloKitty
05-02-2005, 00:10:55
Problem 7- The temp who can write the training software has gone sick.

Log ont eh temps password etc when he gets back and delete all the files etc relating to the project. Then destroy the backup disks.

The next morning freak out and tell your boss everything is gone.

Bye bye temp! Bye bye work since the deadline will be far too close for the liscense to expire to finisht he project.

Hello a few weeks of slacking.

Lazarus and the Gimp
05-02-2005, 08:29:21
Bye-bye to bonus, however. Sod that.

Lazarus and the Gimp
05-02-2005, 08:36:03
Updates.

Problem 1- Just got to cross our fingers and casually remind the developers what's at stake (their contracts, reputation and testicles).

Problem 2- On Friday I moved them all into one room to work from now on, emphasising that blaming the other companies is not an acceptable excuse.

Problem 3- I'm writing the fuckers myself.

Problem 4- Mr "I'm not travelling" is now in a Holiday Inn in Aylesbury, and we'll draw a veil over the whole sordid affair of how he got there.

Problem 5- I've stolen the boxes off people's desks, and laughed at their pain. Ha ha ha! Like that.

Problem 6- Fuck the licences. The servers are going to keep running for another week, and we'll just deny everything.

Problem 7- If he's back on Monday, we can get back on course in time.

self biased
05-02-2005, 08:37:34
do you get overtime, laz?

self biased
05-02-2005, 08:55:10
if they don't, then they likely don't pay you enough to care.

Lazarus and the Gimp
05-02-2005, 09:25:53
You bet your arse I get overtime.

Dyl Ulenspiegel
05-02-2005, 17:09:07
I'm always stunned by the incompetence of our civil-service-styled university. And then I'm outstunned by the incompetence of the average company - how come they're not broke in milliseconds?

BigGameHunter
06-02-2005, 22:21:37
I'd have thought you were a salary guy and this was a lot of pointless overwork.

Darkstar
07-02-2005, 23:21:57
Laz sounds like the boss you want to work for... not the boss of the other sections.

Go Laz!

protein
07-02-2005, 23:45:52
I've never heard anyone with Laz's accent in a temper.

Any chance you could record some shouting and swearing for us? ;)

Lazarus and the Gimp
08-02-2005, 17:38:22
GIT AFF MOI FUCKING LAAAAAAAAAAARNND!!!!

Lazarus and the Gimp
08-02-2005, 17:40:42
Originally posted by BigGameHunter
I'd have thought you were a salary guy and this was a lot of pointless overwork.

US unions must be crap. Yes- I'm salaried, but I can (and you bet your arse I do) claim for overtime.

zmama
08-02-2005, 17:44:23
It's federal wage law here. Salaried do not get overtime...there are a few exceptions (for SOME low salaried employees)since they just changed the law.

Lazarus and the Gimp
08-02-2005, 17:52:00
That's obscene. You need a revolution.

KrazyHorse@home
08-02-2005, 17:54:20
I'm working on it. ;)

Dyl Ulenspiegel
08-02-2005, 18:33:39
Originally posted by zmama
It's federal wage law here. Salaried do not get overtime...

Yaaay for free labour markets!

zmama
08-02-2005, 18:36:06
Oh I'm sure you COULD pay overtime...but the law is you don't have to.

Dyl Ulenspiegel
08-02-2005, 18:40:16
But you can't put it into a contract.

zmama
08-02-2005, 18:42:19
Possibly with a good lawyer $-)

Gets all involved with IRS rulings and such *shudder*

Japher
08-02-2005, 18:44:55
My last job I was paid a salary, but also receive OT, shift differential, and holiday pay when needed.

They call it "exempt" or "non-exempt", and then add a payment method to it.

Oerdin
08-02-2005, 19:42:40
My last job didn't pay us for overtime but we did get comp time. That was nice.

Funkodrom
09-02-2005, 09:30:45
I don't get paid overtime so I don't do it - except in exceptional circumstances I'll stay late if there's a crisis and it'll make my life easier if I do.

Dyl Ulenspiegel
09-02-2005, 09:37:44
Here it's either compensation time or overtime payment. Unless you have a really atrociously crappy union, like us university people. :(

Tizzy
09-02-2005, 09:39:25
I get overtime or time back in leiu for exceptional things like all the weekends I was working before Christmas. But if I have to stay late or whatever I don't.

That reminds me, still got a day to take.....

King_Ghidra
09-02-2005, 11:36:25
Originally posted by zmama
a good lawyer

the only good lawyer is..., etc.

Funkodrom
09-02-2005, 11:37:55
That one who got OJ off?

The Mad Monk
09-02-2005, 11:44:43
There are things even OJ won't do.

Funkodrom
09-02-2005, 11:47:26
He wouldn't become Frozen and Concentrated so he could be in Trading Places.

The Mad Monk
09-02-2005, 11:48:10
Originally posted by zmama
It's federal wage law here. Salaried do not get overtime...there are a few exceptions (for SOME low salaried employees)since they just changed the law.

Not entirely true, I'm salaried with overtime, and it's been that way since before I started working here (over four years).

IT was a bone tossed to QC staff to keep us non-union in an otherwise union shop. :)

MoSe
09-02-2005, 12:30:17
Originally posted by Funkodrom
I don't get paid overtime so I don't do it - except in exceptional circumstances I'll stay late if there's a crisis and it'll make my life easier if I do.

I stay late
to navigate!
:coolgrin:

what a L I am

Venom
09-02-2005, 13:41:39
Trading Places rulz.

"We are moving We are moving!"

MoSe
09-02-2005, 13:43:21
sonofabitch? MOI???