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Lazarus and the Gimp
30-01-2005, 22:20:16
All for a job I'm not going to get. I love the smell of futility in the evening! It smells like abject failure.

Having homework to do on a Sunday gives me flashbacks to school. Staring stupefied at "Songs of Praise" and "Last of the summer wine" with a growing sense of doom. I hate interviews, and I'm crap at them. I start getting angry in them, and then it all goes wrong.

alsieboo
30-01-2005, 22:22:20
I remember that feeling.

zmama
30-01-2005, 22:23:47
A growing sense of doom was the feeling of my whole school life...uugh

Lazarus and the Gimp
30-01-2005, 22:24:29
What? Failing to do homework, or getting irrationally angry with HR Advisors trying to interview you?

alsieboo
30-01-2005, 22:24:49
latter obviously

Lazarus and the Gimp
30-01-2005, 22:29:05
I understand.

Prediction for the interview....

Q- "Do you feel you have a developmemnt areas or weaknesses?"

A- "What? Are you saying I can't do my job? Is that what you're saying? Is that it? Are you calling me stupid? You heard. Are you calling me fucking stupid? Is that it? No, don't try worming out of it. I heard you. Yeah. Now we know where we are, don't we? Too right we do. Think it's easy do you? On that side of the desk with your fat fountain pen and hair gel. Do you? What? Why are you crying? What did I do?"

alsieboo
30-01-2005, 22:30:53
good luck

Provost Harrison
30-01-2005, 22:37:10
I hate them too Laz, and I've never, ever been able to strike a correct balance in them. Too confident, under confident, underexperienced, overexperienced, incorrectly experienced, overqualified, underqualified...it's a complete fucking lottery in all honesty. But you have being the doer of the interviewer so you know what to respect and what they expect. Reverse psychology dammit ;)

Provost Harrison
30-01-2005, 22:40:57
...although in recent years my interviews done:job got ratio is pretty good...

sleeping_satsuma
30-01-2005, 22:42:45
Originally posted by Lazarus and the Gimp
All for a job I'm not going to get. I love the smell of futility in the evening! It smells like abject failure.

Having homework to do on a Sunday gives me flashbacks to school. Staring stupefied at "Songs of Praise" and "Last of the summer wine" with a growing sense of doom. I hate interviews, and I'm crap at them. I start getting angry in them, and then it all goes wrong.

:lol: are you sure you're a dad? I used to watch those exact same programmes in the hope that Compo or Harry Secombe might know something about the French plural of 'pillow' or why the Vietcong were ultimately successful..

sleeping_satsuma
30-01-2005, 22:52:23
Originally posted by Lazarus and the Gimp
I understand.

Prediction for the interview....

Q- "Do you feel you have a developmemnt areas or weaknesses?"

A- "What? Are you saying I can't do my job? Is that what you're saying? Is that it? Are you calling me stupid? You heard. Are you calling me fucking stupid? Is that it? No, don't try worming out of it. I heard you. Yeah. Now we know where we are, don't we? Too right we do. Think it's easy do you? On that side of the desk with your fat fountain pen and hair gel. Do you? What? Why are you crying? What did I do?"

just look at it as an opportunity to show what you can do, find out more about the job you're applying for, and to lie through your teeth about your achievements :D

Interviews are like a game, its all about reading the opponent and telling them what they want to hear/what you want them to hear (assuming you want the job). I've temped for years so I can interview in my sleep now.

My advice is- Focus on your strengths, smile lots, stay relaxed, keep it moving, and make sure you seem curious but respectful. Remember why the interviewer is there, and consider what they are looking for in a candidate. If this is an interview where you already know you don't have the job (do you really know that?), don't sweat it, just keep it simple, answer what they ask you, and stay calm. No one is there to persecute you, they are as nervous as you are. K? :)

Provost Harrison
30-01-2005, 22:58:55
This job was one which came up and paid an extraordinary amount of money compared to previous jobs I had gone for...I thought there was no chance but I got it...

sleeping_satsuma
30-01-2005, 23:02:42
exactly- lots of people feel like they have no chance when they really do.

And Laz, you are like the brightest most articulate man EVER so you have all the skills, you just need to demonstrate, demonstrate, demonstrate..

Gary
30-01-2005, 23:45:38
I hate interviews. In fact I hate any situation where I have to justify my worth to someone else. If they can't see I'm the best thing since <whatever your favourite thing is> then bugger 'em all.

Provost Harrison
31-01-2005, 00:04:24
Ditto Gary.

Also I noticed an inconsistency in The Omen. You know Damien has a 666 on his head. If he had been truly evil, it would read 'HR' ;)

sleeping_satsuma
31-01-2005, 00:36:06
thats just bad attitude. Why should someone recognise your inherent worth if you cant be fucked to show it?

If you take a piece of gold and cover it in dog shit and show it to someone random, they'll think its a piece of dog shit (or something more eloquent)

Gary
31-01-2005, 00:42:54
So you're suggesting I appear as dog shit ?

sleeping_satsuma
31-01-2005, 00:48:27
no, I'm suggesting you wipe the dog shit off and show the gold, man!

KrazyHorse@home
31-01-2005, 00:50:39
So they can eat it?

sleeping_satsuma
31-01-2005, 00:52:22
you can eat it

self biased
31-01-2005, 05:48:07
harr harr harr!

Koshko
31-01-2005, 06:42:22
Just tell me the things I can say to them without making it obvious that I'm lying through my teeth.

Sir Penguin
31-01-2005, 07:11:46
"I'm a loser," "You're ugly," "Given the chance, I would kill you." etc.

SP

MDA
31-01-2005, 14:43:04
Asking questions that show your interest in the job can tip the scales between a good and a forgettable interview.

Most interviewers already think you have the skills for the job, they're just looking for how you would "fit" within their organization. Personality is part of it, but they'll also sometimes look at your level of ambition. Low if its a job with no upward mobility, b/c you'll be unhappy and leave. High if they've got people at higher levels retiring, or a high level of turnover.

Funkodrom
31-01-2005, 15:10:25
Originally posted by sleeping_satsuma
And Laz, you are like the brightest most articulate man EVER so you have all the skills, you just need to demonstrate, demonstrate, demonstrate..

According to some informal research amongst furrin posters he's also the most confusing to someone who isn't a native English (AND WHEN I SAY ENGLISH I MEAN ENGLISH NOT AMERICAN) speaker ever.

zmama
31-01-2005, 15:16:42
I have no problem understanding Laz :confused:

Funkodrom
31-01-2005, 15:18:07
Maybe you're the smart one.

zmama
31-01-2005, 15:19:16
YAY!

I'm todays toaster

Vincent
31-01-2005, 15:22:21
Toastie please

miester gandertak
31-01-2005, 15:27:20
there can be only one

Funkodrom
31-01-2005, 15:27:57
Toastij

zmama
31-01-2005, 16:08:35
Toastie on the way...
Deutsche Post will get it there right away :D

Lazarus and the Gimp
31-01-2005, 17:34:01
When I say "a job I'm not going to get" I should add that I've already discussed my application with the hiring manager, and as a result I know with about 99% certainty that I won't get the job.

Dyl Ulenspiegel
31-01-2005, 17:38:09
Wine me, dine me, toast me!

sleeping_satsuma
31-01-2005, 18:27:25
then turn up to the interview, punch the head guy, shit on the desk, throw a chair out of the window and leave...what have you to lose? :D

Lazarus and the Gimp
31-01-2005, 20:25:16
My job. It's an internal interview. That also rules out bullshitting, because these people are well aware that I deal with workplace setbacks by screaming "FUCK EVERYTHING!" and threatening to lynch Management Consultants.

Provost Harrison
31-01-2005, 20:27:48
Yeah, but that is no more than what management consultants deserve though...

sleeping_satsuma
31-01-2005, 20:40:31
Laz, have you ever thought you shouldn't have applied for this job? Any job? :)

Funkodrom
01-02-2005, 09:08:24
Originally posted by Provost Harrison
Yeah, but that is no more than what management consultants deserve though...

True, but it's seen as bad form to actually do it.

Lazarus and the Gimp
01-02-2005, 18:18:05
Aptitude tests today. I normally breeze through them, but I've got a cold so bad that I feel lobotomised. It was a struggle.

Oerdin
01-02-2005, 18:29:55
On the 18th of this month I'm signed up to begin the hiring process for the local police department. First there is an 8 hour long aptitude test, then the next day is spent with physical tests (running, push ups, sit ups, god knows what else), then if they like you then they call you for your first interview. After that there is a backgroound check, lie detector tests, drug test, and likely everything short of an anal probe.

The whole process can take up to 10 months I've been told so it looks like I will be looking for another job as I wait for this one to pan out.

Japher
01-02-2005, 18:31:52
My college roommate went straight into the police academy after college. He really likes it.

fp
01-02-2005, 18:38:22
Can he do those really cool sound effects that sound like a helicopter or a vacuum cleaner or an electric tin opener or something?

MDA
01-02-2005, 18:40:45
You do know that the ability to do sound effects is a function of race, not occupation, right?

Provost Harrison
01-02-2005, 19:13:27
Originally posted by Japher
My college roommate went straight into the police academy after college. He really likes it.

Or is he that weird one with the really strange voice? :D

Caligastia
01-02-2005, 19:37:49
Poor Laz...so angry all the time....why?

Provost Harrison
01-02-2005, 19:44:27
Anger leads to the dark side...and the force is strong in that one ;)

Darkstar
01-02-2005, 19:48:32
Sorry to hear that Laz. I hope you did as well on the aptitude test anyways. Or better then you seem to think you did.

Oerdin, good luck!

Lazarus and the Gimp
01-02-2005, 20:04:24
Originally posted by Caligastia
Poor Laz...so angry all the time....why?

It's wholly due to the witless opinions of twats.

Lazarus and the Gimp
01-02-2005, 20:05:48
Originally posted by Oerdin
On the 18th of this month I'm signed up to begin the hiring process for the local police department. First there is an 8 hour long aptitude test,

Covering how to eat doughnuts, aimlessly cruise around in police cars, and beat a confession out of a suspect?

Gary
01-02-2005, 20:14:35
Originally posted by Lazarus and the Gimp
It's wholly due to the witless opinions of twats. Then stop coming here !

MDA
01-02-2005, 20:15:52
...but not really.

Lazarus and the Gimp
01-02-2005, 20:22:18
Cal's just looking to start a fight. Beats me why, seeing as he should have worked out by now that I enjoy them more than he does.

Caligastia
01-02-2005, 23:33:39
:lol: I don't see how that's possible, but if you insist.;)

Caligastia
01-02-2005, 23:36:15
Often angry with occasional delusions of omnipotence - no wonder people find you so interesting.

fp
02-02-2005, 12:54:03
Originally posted by Provost Harrison
Or is he that weird one with the really strange voice? :D

Ah, a classic PHd from the master. :smoke:

Provost Harrison
02-02-2005, 16:56:35
Originally posted by fp
Ah, a classic PHd from the master. :smoke:

I'm afraid not...

Lazarus and the Gimp
02-02-2005, 17:40:51
Originally posted by Caligastia
Often angry with occasional delusions of omnipotence - no wonder people find you so interesting.

Often outrageously racist, with frequent delusions that you're in some way immune to the description if you think you can scientifically back up the racism by linking to enough poorly thought-out discourses on the subject. No wonder I find you fairly distasteful.

sleeping_satsuma
02-02-2005, 18:10:44
SCRAP! SCRAP! SCRAP!

Caligastia
02-02-2005, 18:14:52
Originally posted by Lazarus and the Gimp
Often outrageously racist, with frequent delusions that you're in some way immune to the description if you think you can scientifically back up the racism by linking to enough poorly thought-out discourses on the subject. No wonder I find you fairly distasteful.

:lol: That's right, I'm just an evil, evil racist.:lol: :lol:

Japher
02-02-2005, 18:16:25
You're busted Cali!

http://www.jimmystare.com/dec2003/catfight.jpg

Lazarus and the Gimp
02-02-2005, 18:18:22
Admitting that you have a problem is the first step on the path to recovery. Reach for the light!

Caligastia
02-02-2005, 18:20:50
Uh-oh, what's my penance?

Japher
02-02-2005, 18:21:53
Your first born child will marry an ethnic minority...;)

Caligastia
02-02-2005, 18:23:27
Nooooo!

Lazarus and the Gimp
02-02-2005, 18:24:42
Originally posted by Japher
Your first born child will marry an ethnic minority...;)

........and at the wedding they'll read out all of Cal's posts on the subject of differences between the races. Yup- that's a good one.

Japher
02-02-2005, 18:24:44
best plan your move to Idaho

Japher
02-02-2005, 18:25:13
Cali: When is she due?

Caligastia
02-02-2005, 18:27:32
:lol:
Fat chance of that.

Caligastia
02-02-2005, 18:28:01
Originally posted by Japher
Cali: When is she due?

August 24th.:)

Japher
02-02-2005, 18:28:29
HA! We're August 23rd!

Caligastia
02-02-2005, 18:30:03
Whoah! We might hit the same day!

Japher
02-02-2005, 18:32:17
I feel for the both of us... it's going to be a long, hot summer

Caligastia
02-02-2005, 18:34:17
Hey, at least we don't have to carry wombs stuffed full of baby.

Japher
02-02-2005, 18:35:46
No, we'll just have a hormonal female who has a womb stuffed with a baby...

Caligastia
02-02-2005, 18:37:32
Better stock up on foot lotion...you know she'll be wanting you to rub those trotters.

BigGameHunter
04-02-2005, 14:23:57
Pussies!
I found a pregnant belly is almost perfect for resting a sixer on.

Caligastia
04-02-2005, 14:33:05
:lol:

Lazarus and the Gimp
07-02-2005, 17:58:22
Didn't get the job! Exactly as predicted.

Japher
07-02-2005, 18:05:10
suks

MDA
07-02-2005, 20:44:32
:(

Lazarus and the Gimp
02-03-2005, 17:12:21
Got my feedback today!

They think I'm a slightly scary smartarse who uses too many big words.

On the plus side, my aptitude tests kicked arse. 96th centile on verbal reasoning, and 98th centile on numeric reasoning.

Funko
02-03-2005, 17:14:05
They have you pegged.

Lazarus and the Gimp
02-03-2005, 17:16:30
I took exception to the "slightly". How dare they belittle my reign of terror?

Funko
02-03-2005, 17:20:38
They were too scared of you to say how scary you really were.

Gary
02-03-2005, 17:29:21
Wow ! And to think I never trusted those tests

Japher
02-03-2005, 17:41:29
There's a fine line between insanity and genious... Laz appears to be straddeling it.

Lazarus and the Gimp
02-03-2005, 17:50:34
Both straddling it and making pelvic thrusting movements at the same time.

MDA
02-03-2005, 17:51:56
You put the address of your blog in your paperwork, right?