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The Mad Monk
29-01-2005, 05:16:40
[quote]"Obvious dry humping to inappropriate music doesn’t cut it in a horror flick – at least give us some skin."
-- Joshua Tyler, CINEMABLEND.COM

"I didn't see director Uwe Boll's zombie dud House of the Dead, but on the evidence of Alone in the Dark, he belongs in the pantheon of hopelessly inept directors."
-- Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER

"Some concepts are meant to stay in the gaming console."
-- Bob Strauss, LOS ANGELES DAILY NEWS

"Saying Uwe Boll’s Alone in the Dark is better than his 2003 American debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV."
-- Nicholas Schager, SLANT MAGAZINE

"(Christian) Slater and (Tara) Reid share quite possibly the most awkward love scene ever recorded on film."
-- Larry Ratliff, SAN ANTONIO EXPRESS-NEWS

"This is jaw-dropping, awe-inspiring, 'I-can't- believe-someone- made-this-crap' badness we're dealing with."
-- Dustin Putman, THEMOVIEBOY.COM

"...asking the viewer to accept Tara Reid as a scientist is pure insanity, requiring a staggering leap of faith that I can't even begin to contemplate."
-- David Nusair, REEL FILM REVIEWS

"Reid delivers her lines as though she is calling for another round of Mai Tais for the house."
-- Nell Minow, MOVIE MOM AT YAHOO! MOVIES

"No subtext, no moral, no cultural observation, no substance; if it had calories, they would be empty"
-- Marty Mapes, MOVIE HABIT

"A laugh-out-loud turkey."
-- Timothy Knight, REEL.COM

"you need an actor who can make the words SOUND smart, and Reid won't be winning a Nobel Prize anytime soon (she's proof that alcohol kills brain cells … with a vengeance)."
-- Willie Waffle, WAFFLEMOVIES.COM

"The film is filled with hilariously bad performances, expository dialogue and production values that suggest it could have been a low-budget film-school project."
-- Jeff Vice, DESERET NEWS, SALT LAKE CITY

"The three stars have seen better days, but I'd like to think they could still do something classier and more dignified than this. Like gay porn."
-- Rob Vaux, FLIPSIDE MOVIE EMPORIUM

"None of it hangs together enough to make a coherent narrative."
-- Pamela Troy, CULTUREVULTURE.NET

"Actually has an entire group of adults call out to a lost comrade, 'Marco!' What does he expect the audience to do when they hear that? I mean, come on."
-- Fred Topel, ABOUT.COM

"They say that even ugly babies have faces their mothers love, but this is truly a film that not even hardcore genre fans could appreciate."
-- Brent Simon, NOW PLAYING MAGAZINE

"so far off the scale bad that the only possible reaction is to laugh at it -- and I do mean at it and not with it."
-- Steve Rhodes, STEVE RHODES' INTERNET REVIEWS

"Thanks for the surgical enhancement, Tara Reid. As I always say, if saline made you a great actor then Sean Penn would have gills."
-- Mark Ramsey, MOVIEJUICE!

"Worse than you can imagine... see 1997's The Relic instead."
-- Chuck O'Leary, FANTASTICA DAILY

"Too stupid to watch, too loud to nap through, Alone in the Dark shows just how tenuous Plan Nine From Outer Space's hold on that 'worst movie ever' title really is."
-- Roger Moore, ORLANDO SENTINEL

"The film looks like it was made for $1.05 with its murky cinematography, sloppy special effects, and cheap sets."
-- Mike McGranaghan, AISLE SEAT

"...films like "Battlefield Earth" and "The Adventures of Pluto Nash" await a film of this magnitude because it gets awfully lonely on the island of misfit movies."
-- Jeffrey Lyles, GAZETTE (MD)

"If nothing else, Alone in the Dark proves that it's possible to 'dumb down' a video game."
-- Philip Wuntch, DALLAS MORNING NEWS

"There are some stupid films that rock, if you turn your brain off and enjoy them. Alone in the Dark isn't one of these, though it is very stupid."
-- Michael Wilmington, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

"Frighteningly bad cinema is the only thing scary about Alone in the Dark, which gives video-game movies an even worse name, if that's possible."
-- Bruce Westbrook, HOUSTON CHRONICLE

"Alone in the Dark co-stars perpetual party-girl Tara Reid as an archeologist. That alone should give you some clue as to how bad this movie is."
-- Bob Townsend, ATLANTA JOURNAL-CONSTITUTION

"This is definitely for people who 1) love the video game, 2) think Slater and Dorff are eminently watchable, no matter what bad flick they're in and 3) are wearing industrial-strength ear plugs."
-- Desson Thomson, WASHINGTON POST

"As silly as it is stylish."
-- Kevin Thomas, LOS ANGELES TIMES

"It doesn't even qualify as 'so bad it's good,' although by that standard it does have its moments."
-- Russell Scott Smith, NEW YORK POST

"Ultra-violent, hyper-mindless and bruisingly loud, Alone in the Dark makes its video game predecessors look like Masterpiece Theater."
-- Lisa Rose, NEWARK STAR-LEDGER

"As video game adaptations go, even Pong: The Movie would have a lot more personality."
-- Michael Rechtshaffen, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

"Alone in the Dark presents splatter fans with garden-variety gore, and gives action-horror fans loud, unscary special effects rather than genuine suspense or bang."
-- Janice Page, BOSTON GLOBE

"A hokey, recycled collection of mumbo-jumbo that unabashedly steals from a multitude of other horror films."
-- Bill Muller, ARIZONA REPUBLIC

"It's tempting to call Alone in the Dark one of those movies so bad that it's almost good. But that might send the wrong signal to Hollywood."
-- John Monaghan, DETROIT FREE PRESS

"Alone in the Dark is no better than whatever you might pick up while wearing a blindfold at Blockbuster, even if you happen to reach into a trash can."
-- Jack Mathews, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

"Alone in the Dark is so awful, anyone who spends 10 bucks seeing it ought to get 11 bucks change and a written apology from the director and cast."
-- Peter Howell, TORONTO STAR

"Veers tantalizingly close to being one of those movies that is so bad it's good, but in the end, it's so bad it's just ... bad."
-- Ann Hornaday, WASHINGTON POST

"This horror film, spun off from an old Atari video game, is so inept on every level, you wonder why the distributor didn't release it straight to video, or better, toss it directly into the trash."
-- Stephen Holden, NEW YORK TIMES

"Never trust a movie that opens with a written introduction scrolling by that's longer than the collected works of Tom Clancy."
-- David Hiltbrand, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

"A film so mind-blowingly horrible that it teeters on the edge of cinematic immortality."
-- Peter Hartlaub, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

"If you took the 100 worst ideas ever conceived for a science-fiction film, rattled them around in a Lotto tumbler and spilled them out onto the screen at random, you could not produce a more asinine hodgepodge than Alone in the Dark."
-- Colin Covert, MINNEAPOLIS STAR TRIBUNE

"Alone in the Dark offers ample evidence that House of the Dead helmer Uwe BollUwe Boll should put down his joystick -- quickly, before anyone else gets hurt."
-- Justin Chang, VARIETY

"Quite possibly one of the worst movies of the decade."
-- Michael Booth, DENVER POST

"If you are alone in the dark with Alone in the Dark, be sure to bring chewing gum -- it will provide entertainment."
-- David Elliott, SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE

"There's a point in the movie where it's best to stop trying to make sense out of this unintelligible story... right after the opening credits."
-- Cherryl Dawson and Leigh Ann Palone, THEMOVIECHICKS.COM

"Director Uwe Boll (is) a latter-day Ed Wood who fancies himself a cross between action-sytlish John Woo and B-movie horror-ific John Carpenter."
-- Rob Blackwelder, SPLICEDWIRE

"I laughed. I was bored. I couldn't believe my own eyes."
-- Jeffrey M. Anderson, COMBUSTIBLE CELLULOID

"On the short list of Worst Movies Ever Made."
-- Walter Chaw, FILM FREAK CENTRAL

"Alone in the Dark is amateurish at best and asinine at worst."
-- Mack Bates, MILWAUKEE JOURNAL SENTINEL

"[A]n instant classic of cheeseball cinema, an orgy of overblown dialogue and hammy overacting, 90-some-odd minutes of cheap-looking, jaw-dropping incoherence..."
-- MaryAnn Johanson, FLICK FILOSOPHER

"Tara Reid responds to the camera like she’s just caught a paparazzo; every line of dialogue begins with, ‘Hey guys,’ be it ordering lunch or reacting to mortal danger."
-- Todd Gilchrist, FILMSTEW.COM

"Once the poorly staged mayhem erupts, there's no disguising the fact that it's all been a pointless buildup to 40 minutes of running, shooting and screaming, and you've wasted whatever time and attention you devoted to following any of its minutiae."
-- Ken Fox, TV GUIDE'S MOVIE GUIDE

"There is a reason to fear being alone in the dark: it’s this movie."
-- Mike DeWolfe, APOLLO GUIDE

"As an audience-participation midnight movie, Alone in the Dark has potential."
-- Robert W. Butler, KANSAS CITY STAR

"Perhaps hoping to be a sort of hybrid Matrix meets Indiana Jones meets Alien, Unfortunately, Alone in the Dark is just a bad movie."
-- Ross Anthony, HOLLYWOOD REPORT CARD

"So poorly built, so horribly acted and so sloppily stitched together that it's not even at the straight- to-DVD level."
-- E! ONLINE



http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/alone_in_the_dark/

2% rating.

Gigli has competition.

:lol:

edit: A few favorites have been bolded.

Darkstar
29-01-2005, 05:28:21
Those reviews are hilarious!

Vincent
29-01-2005, 08:28:48
Uwe Boll should put down his joystick -- quickly, before anyone else gets hurt.

He did not

Plot Summary for
Far Cry (2006)

An adaptation of the first-person-shooter video game where Jack Carver, a retired ocean patrol cop who now transports people and cargo to various islands, goes through hell when his boat blows up off the coast of an uncharted Micronesian island. His goal is to simply survive and to rescue a female reporter who had tagged along on the trip but was kidnapped by mercenaries who protect a laboratory hidden somewhere on the island.


http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0400426/

The Mad Monk
29-01-2005, 08:46:12
Nice catch!

Vincent
29-01-2005, 12:08:59
http://www.moviefans.de/a-z/d/dungeon-siege/index.html
http://www.microsoft.com/games/dungeonsiegeloa/movie.asp

He's making also a Dungeon Siege movie. Oh LOL

alsieboo
29-01-2005, 15:23:55
fandabbydosy, I know what I'll be looking out for now!

MDA
31-01-2005, 13:42:00
Doom is being done as well. :lol:

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news04/041203i.php

Immortal Wombat
31-01-2005, 13:50:30
Originally posted by MDA
Doom is being done as well. :lol:

Now there's a project that's guaranteed to fail.

Venom
31-01-2005, 13:54:50
Uwe Boll is the worst director in the entire world. And he owns some good film rights too.

Funkodrom
31-01-2005, 13:58:02
You wee bull.

MDA
31-01-2005, 14:04:31
More quotes from IMDB forums...

"Just Tara-ble." [NYP]

"Think of the lamest horror movie you’ve ever seen. Now think of Tara Reid in the lamest horror movie you’ve ever seen. See how much worse it could have been?" [Boston Globe]

Venom
31-01-2005, 14:30:21
He's almost finished a Bloodrayne movie.

Trailer here: http://media.cinema-post.de/BRay_TTeas.mpg

Vincent
10-02-2005, 17:27:20
Note: Bollen means also "shit" in the Ruhr area. So Uwe Boll "oi shit"

zmama
10-02-2005, 19:05:58
Dieter Shit, too?