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View Full Version : Van Helsing - Complete and Utter WANK!!!


MOBIUS
04-05-2004, 18:40:58
Saw this at a press screening today - god I wish I'd stayed in bed!:clueless:

Apparently I heard today that it has been compared in style to Wild Wild West and League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, except that Van Helsing actually makes WWW & LXG look like epic movie classics!

This has to be without doubt the worst movie I have seen since 'Signs'... Sure it is a popcorn actioner and yes after Mummy I&II I knew what to expect - but I actually enjoyed those movies as they were harmless mindless fun!

But this, this drivel! This is puerile tosh of the lowest order!

To think I was actually looking forward to seeing this, as I was intrigued by the idea of a ball-busting Van Helsing going after the pantheon of classic cinematic movie monsters, some great action and Kate Beckinsale (GRRR:D). In fact I was hoping for another 'Underworld' style movie in which she also starred recently...

Apart from the beautiful cinematography and costumes (both by Oscar winners) and some great one-liners (not the ones mentioned above), this film is an INSULT on the memories of Dracula, Frankenstein et al, it has been CGIed to death (even the actors need to be CGIed for the many utterly unbelievable stunts!), the plot is pathetic, the action is so over the top as to be completely unbelievable - yes it is about monsters, not very believable I know, but what you're asking me to do is not just suspend my disbelief, but to manhandle it's shocked and broken corpse into an airtight safe, concrete it over, chuck it into a titan missile and blast it into deep space, from there... you get the picture!?

Only 12 year olds will find this entertaining - and even they would leave the cinema with brown paper bags over their heads lest they were actually recognised by their friends!:shoot:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

*runs away screaming*

Chris
04-05-2004, 18:47:05
Must be why they made a FPS about it already.

MOBIUS
04-05-2004, 19:10:22
Or the Universal Studios ride, or the cartoon spin-off etc, etc...

This could have been such a good movie - if it was half as good as Underworld I would have been happy...

alsieboo
04-05-2004, 20:33:53
Damnit, and I was going to waste good money on that soon

BigGameHunter
04-05-2004, 22:24:56
*sigh*
I was hoping it would be good, too.
Someone needs to take control of the comic/movie market.
I'll talk to my buddy at Dark Horse.

MOBIUS
05-05-2004, 00:40:51
The movie tagline should read:

"The only thing that could kill Dracula was if he watched this film!"

maroule
05-05-2004, 06:54:19
:lol:
great review

Funkodrom
05-05-2004, 10:24:32
That review makes it sound fantastic. (actually having seen the trailer that's pretty much what I expected from it).

King_Ghidra
05-05-2004, 10:42:51
yeah the trailer looked like dreadful tosh

Drekkus
05-05-2004, 13:33:23
Talking about great reviews!

http://www.moviejuice.com/2004/vanhelsing.htm


Nosfera-tutu. :lol:

Venom
06-05-2004, 12:54:26
It is what the trailer shows it us. A stupid ass movie. Might be fun though. Everything I've seen about it has been completely negative though.

Immortal Wombat
06-05-2004, 17:44:16
Something that appalling has to be worth seeing. :D

Darkstar
06-05-2004, 20:31:11
You'd think so... but so many of them fail at being such total and absolute failures to be funny viewing.