View Full Version : 10 reasons to hate Rugby

22-10-2003, 10:01:55
hilarious piece from (yet again) the Guardian Online

Ten fairly new and relatively rational reasons to hate rugby union

Steven Wells
Tuesday October 21, 2003

1) In the film Brief Encounter, the main love affair (between two quacking poshos) is shadowed by the comic tryst between the idiot maid and the drooling postman. It's a bit like that episode of the Twilight Zone where David 'Man From Uncle' McCallum plays a slack-jawed retard who is given an amazing new IQ boosting drug. Dave starts of with a thick Yorkshire accent. But, as he gets more and more intelligent, he starts to speak more and more posh. Until he ends up sounding like those RADA kids from the Dairy Lee advert who honked "Hee-arve yow-uh a-hevver wondurred heow yow get triangels fram a ce-ow-ah?" But then - tragedy! The drug starts wearing off and he turns back into a Yorkshireman. The average rugby union fan will have read the above paragraph and said - "Yes? And? So?" This is the first reason to hate rugby union.

2) In an amusing (if rather sad) parody of the real World Cup, the rugger buggers are having a mass frottage session "down under". And the trophy these chaps are competing for is, get this, The William Ellis cup. Young Ellis, you might remember, was the idiot who picked the ball up during a game of football and thus invented the game of rugby. Which means that this is the first ever top level international trophy to be named after a known sports-cheat. It's like if the Olympics were re-named The Ben Johnson Championships. Or the Booker became the Archer. This is the second reason to hate rugby union.

3) Someone called Hywel wrote in the proper, grown up Guardian that the reason why proper football has always and will always kick rugby's over-muscled "ass" is that the general public prefers soccer's effete, lank-haired lady-boys to the smash-faced beefcake puglies of the union code. The subtext being, of course, that football is gayer than rugby. This is true. But then again, marriage is gayer than rugby. Actually doing it with a real lady while smoking a pipe and worrying about the mortgage is gayer than rugby. Rugby is in fact the ungayest thing in the world. The opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality. It is rugby. In fact homosexuality can best be described as a complete absence of rugby. This is the third reason to hate rugby union.

4) I stayed up to watch the "highlights" of England v South Africa. What highlights? There are no highlights. Rugby does not "do" highlights. They're probably illegal. They were probably made illegal at the same time as they banned the exciting forearm in the throat tackle. OK, so there was about 15 seconds when the South Africans sort of ran into some vaguely open space. But that was it. This is the fourth reason to hate rugby union.

5) All the players act as if they're scared of the referee. This is despite the fact that they could all "do" the ref, no problem. And let's not forget what rugby players are like in real life - be-blazered, drunken, honking, smash-faced scum of the earth. So they're obviously not refraining from "doing" the ref because they're good people or anything. No, the only reason that rugby players always do what the ref tells them is that they want to make proper football players look bad. The bastards. This is the fifth reason to hate rugby union.

6) Line outs.

7) Scrums

8) Mauling rucks

9) Rucking mauls

10) The rules. They just make them up as they go along. One minute these peeled triceratops style meat-statues are savagely kneeing each other in the face willy nilly. The next the ref's given a penalty for triangular dispensation - but the ball went out of play within the15 second (or three yards - which ever fluctuates the most egregiously within the given time=space equation known as eH) advantage variance zone so...so bollocks, basically. This game is being sold to us as fast! Exciting! And fast! Really fast! It's not! It's slow! And dull! Very, very dull! And massively overcomplicated! And no fun to watch! And bobbins! Basically! This is the tenth reason to hate rugby union

22-10-2003, 10:05:12
Excellent. :)

22-10-2003, 10:11:23
The thing about the rules is certainly true.

Me: "That's offside!"
Shakey: "Why?"
Me: "No idea."

22-10-2003, 10:13:23
The thing about the rules is certainly true.

Me: "That's offside!"
Julia: "Why?"
Me: *looking embarrassed* "shh, I'll explain later"

Resource Consumer
22-10-2003, 10:14:36
I am sure Shining1 will deign to pass comment :lol:

22-10-2003, 10:14:48
I kind of have an instinctive reaction to offside.

22-10-2003, 10:27:06
you lose control of your bowels?

22-10-2003, 10:35:04
"And bobbins!" ???

22-10-2003, 10:35:54
Still better than football though.

22-10-2003, 10:38:11
But when after 20 years of occasional rugby watching whitout that you could find anything or anyone able to explain you the rules, when you finally realise one, like that there's offside in rugby too, you feel like sorta an achievement, like elation...

22-10-2003, 10:39:50
understanding hockey or american football or baseball rules is pretty easy and straightforward, in comparison.

22-10-2003, 10:40:00

Very true.

22-10-2003, 10:46:38
yeah, but what about "bobbins"???

Lazarus and the Gimp
22-10-2003, 10:48:57
Steven Wells is a genius- he's the only thing worth reading NME for.

His novel "Tits-out teenage terror totty" is a classic.

22-10-2003, 11:44:13
"relatively rational"? Relative to what, one may ask.

Union is for failed League players.

22-10-2003, 11:45:39
Now all joking aside League really is a dull game.

22-10-2003, 11:50:52
The greatest sporting event I have seen in my life was a League Cup final about eight years ago. I have seen nothing close to it for skill, excitement, passion.

Resource Consumer
22-10-2003, 11:52:12
Actually, I prefer League....

22-10-2003, 11:53:21
I've never been able to sit through more than 15 minutes of a game.

22-10-2003, 12:02:22
After that you're jumping up and down and cheering ?

22-10-2003, 12:15:24
I turn over and see if an interesting sport like lawn bowls is on.

22-10-2003, 12:39:23
Ah bowls... now you're talking !

22-10-2003, 12:40:09
Bowls is fantastic. Curling is good too, all the tension of bowls with added brushing.

22-10-2003, 12:40:57
my bowls are heavy with tension too

22-10-2003, 12:41:27
what can you expect from any sport you play on a surface rhyming with yawn...

22-10-2003, 13:23:29
Originally posted by Funkodrom
Bowls is fantastic. Curling is good too, all the tension of bowls with added brushing.

Curling is great! I don't know of another sport where so much drinking is done during competitions...by the competitors!

22-10-2003, 13:24:21
Bowls is very similar. Plus there's a chance half the audience might die because they are so old.

22-10-2003, 13:24:29
maybe.... drinking competitions????


22-10-2003, 15:57:41
Originally posted by zmama
Curling is great! I don't know of another sport where so much drinking is done during competitions...by the competitors! It seems that darts (http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/in_depth/2000/world_darts_championship/1109730.stm) isn't the sport it once was ... especially now that Bill Werbeniuk is dead.

22-10-2003, 16:04:06
I don't know of another sport where so much drinking is done during competitions...by the competitors!

Well I'd have thought darts players get through a fair amount per game, although it's debatable whether you'd call darts a sport.

And let's not forget the late great Bill Werbernek (sp?), who was on doctor's orders to drink something like ten pints of lager every time he played a snooker match.

As for rugby - love Union, can't stand League. Played by northern monkeys!

22-10-2003, 16:05:52
darts players don't booze any more, not whilst playing at least

having been to two embassy world darts tournaments, i would say they were probably the most friendly and enjoyable sporting events i have ever been to

22-10-2003, 16:18:10
That's just shattered my 'Jocky Wilson' image of darts players

22-10-2003, 23:08:29
Number 3 is so grossly, incredibly, totally wrong it's hilarious:).

And I'm good at rules. It took me only three different explainations and 5 games to understand the ice-hockey offside rule, for instance. I can ALMOST understand the offside rule in rugby. The real question there, though, is WHICH offside rule they're talking about. Seriously, rugby is utterly fucked up for anyone watching the game without a clue. It would take years to understand anything from just watching it. League is a much better introduction to the game.

League is great - except for the stuff the British play. The British play league without any of the fun things like skill and flair and timing. Watch the Aussies play before you diss it.

Curling is the sport of kings. It's the complete opposite of rugby - incredibly easy to understand, very friendly looking, just a great, simple, elemental game:).

22-10-2003, 23:29:14
Leamington has just gained the 2006 World Bowls Championships, as Kuala Lumpur had to pull out due to lack of funds.

22-10-2003, 23:39:36
Whoops, it’s not 2006, it’s next year.

23-10-2003, 01:26:02
Did someone say 'curling'?

23-10-2003, 07:48:57
I understand the offside rule in ice hockey - but purely in a theoretical sense. I read the rules once so I could make some ice hockey puns and read the offside rule and understood it. But I haven't seen very much ice hockey so I've never seen it happen in a game.

23-10-2003, 09:04:50
Reading the rules is cheating. You need to have it explained to you by people who don't understand how you could possibly not understand it. And then work it out from watching the game. Reading the rules is sooo cheating.

Hell, even rugby is learnable if you read the rules.

23-10-2003, 09:10:02
???? are there WRITTEN rules ??????

23-10-2003, 09:11:23
A very great many of them.

23-10-2003, 09:15:43
Yeah, but I don't know anyone (in this country) who watches Ice Hockey, let alone anyone who understands the rules and I could sit and watch a game with.

Anyway, it's quite a simple rule.

You are right that reading the rules makes it simple though.

23-10-2003, 09:23:51
Perhaps that's why I used it as an example - it IS a simple rule, functionally, it's just really complex when Ice Hockey players try to explain it to you.

23-10-2003, 10:03:10
If they are actual players they've probably had too many bashes to the head.

27-02-2006, 13:27:58

I mean, bump :D

A thread with curling, Sean, Maroule and Rekrul
a forgotten gem

27-02-2006, 13:33:18
I was heavily confused until I saw the date of this thread.

27-02-2006, 13:40:54

that will be the day

27-02-2006, 14:22:36
Point 3 looks like it was written by the bastard child of Terry Pratchett and Laz.

27-02-2006, 14:31:38
Rugby sucks.

27-02-2006, 14:32:21
Bunch of butch guys groping each other.

27-02-2006, 14:37:59
The amount of fisting going on is tremendous. Both double and single.

27-02-2006, 14:39:04
That's why the Dutch are Rubgy World Champions.

27-02-2006, 14:41:42
Originally posted by Funko
That's why the Dutch are Rubgy World Champions. Holland is a rugby midget.

27-02-2006, 14:43:26
holland = rugby midget
mr g = holland midget


mr g = rugby midget^2

27-02-2006, 14:47:26
Did anyone ever explain "point" 1 (assuming there was such an explanation).

27-02-2006, 14:47:28
Rugby = gay

MrG is the Rugby King of the World.

27-02-2006, 14:51:28
mr g = rugby midget^2
Rugby = gay


mr g = gay midget squared

And people say algebra is boring.

27-02-2006, 14:56:07
Because it is.

27-02-2006, 15:03:25
:lol: at mr g = rugby midget^2

Greg W
28-02-2006, 00:00:55
Rugby is great when it's played by the Kiwis, French or Fijians. Aussies and English occasionally lapse into good Rugby, which is odd, cos Australian Super 12 teams play a more exciting game than the national side does, and odd for the English cos it means the ball occasionally isn't given to Wilks for a kick.

Unfortunately the rules do bog the game down into unnecessary tedium at times. The advantage rule is supposed to compensate for this somewhat, but refs cut that short far too often.

Oh, and since fisting = gay...
mr g = fisting midget squared

28-02-2006, 12:32:37
When I was sick I got to watch several games of regular English Premier League football.

Okay, Rugby doesn't do Highlights. Football ONLY does Highlights. Those shows where they present you with a godly looking Brazilian guy doing a backwards cartwheel to smash the ball into the goal from a deflection? That 5 seconds of pure atheltic glory any sport would be proud of? Well, that was it. Absolutely nothing else worthwhile happened in the entire NINTY FUCKING MINUTES of play - some guys kicked a ball down the field, then the other guys kicked it, then it went out. And half the time, perhaps *more* than half the time, what you think is going to a sudden rush of excitement, ends with that same, godly, Million Dollar player kicking the ball twenty yards above and to the left of the goal.

I understand why football fans riot so much now - smashing the crap out of something must be about the only way to deal with the sheer fucking frustration that accumulates from watching a game of football you actually care about.

28-02-2006, 12:47:30

I only saw 3 soccer matches live with my granpa when I was about 10, and only kept vague memories.
Then got used to what you see on TV, with the camera focused on the ball and the action.
Then around my 30s I had the chance to use the season card of a sick friend for a couple of matches:
I was shocked to realise that when the players were not in camera view, they stopped and just stood there, they did NOT keep running all the time like we did in our highschool matches!!!


28-02-2006, 12:53:16
How did they know the camera was on them?

They might not be sprinting all the time but whenever I go to live matches you see a lot of interesting off the ball stuff.

Chelsea especially. Their off the ball movement was really good. Someone like Frank Lampard really doesn't ever stop running.