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maroule
22-10-2003, 10:01:55
hilarious piece from (yet again) the Guardian Online


Ten fairly new and relatively rational reasons to hate rugby union

Steven Wells
Tuesday October 21, 2003



1) In the film Brief Encounter, the main love affair (between two quacking poshos) is shadowed by the comic tryst between the idiot maid and the drooling postman. It's a bit like that episode of the Twilight Zone where David 'Man From Uncle' McCallum plays a slack-jawed retard who is given an amazing new IQ boosting drug. Dave starts of with a thick Yorkshire accent. But, as he gets more and more intelligent, he starts to speak more and more posh. Until he ends up sounding like those RADA kids from the Dairy Lee advert who honked "Hee-arve yow-uh a-hevver wondurred heow yow get triangels fram a ce-ow-ah?" But then - tragedy! The drug starts wearing off and he turns back into a Yorkshireman. The average rugby union fan will have read the above paragraph and said - "Yes? And? So?" This is the first reason to hate rugby union.

2) In an amusing (if rather sad) parody of the real World Cup, the rugger buggers are having a mass frottage session "down under". And the trophy these chaps are competing for is, get this, The William Ellis cup. Young Ellis, you might remember, was the idiot who picked the ball up during a game of football and thus invented the game of rugby. Which means that this is the first ever top level international trophy to be named after a known sports-cheat. It's like if the Olympics were re-named The Ben Johnson Championships. Or the Booker became the Archer. This is the second reason to hate rugby union.

3) Someone called Hywel wrote in the proper, grown up Guardian that the reason why proper football has always and will always kick rugby's over-muscled "ass" is that the general public prefers soccer's effete, lank-haired lady-boys to the smash-faced beefcake puglies of the union code. The subtext being, of course, that football is gayer than rugby. This is true. But then again, marriage is gayer than rugby. Actually doing it with a real lady while smoking a pipe and worrying about the mortgage is gayer than rugby. Rugby is in fact the ungayest thing in the world. The opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality. It is rugby. In fact homosexuality can best be described as a complete absence of rugby. This is the third reason to hate rugby union.

4) I stayed up to watch the "highlights" of England v South Africa. What highlights? There are no highlights. Rugby does not "do" highlights. They're probably illegal. They were probably made illegal at the same time as they banned the exciting forearm in the throat tackle. OK, so there was about 15 seconds when the South Africans sort of ran into some vaguely open space. But that was it. This is the fourth reason to hate rugby union.

5) All the players act as if they're scared of the referee. This is despite the fact that they could all "do" the ref, no problem. And let's not forget what rugby players are like in real life - be-blazered, drunken, honking, smash-faced scum of the earth. So they're obviously not refraining from "doing" the ref because they're good people or anything. No, the only reason that rugby players always do what the ref tells them is that they want to make proper football players look bad. The bastards. This is the fifth reason to hate rugby union.

6) Line outs.

7) Scrums

8) Mauling rucks

9) Rucking mauls

10) The rules. They just make them up as they go along. One minute these peeled triceratops style meat-statues are savagely kneeing each other in the face willy nilly. The next the ref's given a penalty for triangular dispensation - but the ball went out of play within the15 second (or three yards - which ever fluctuates the most egregiously within the given time=space equation known as eH) advantage variance zone so...so bollocks, basically. This game is being sold to us as fast! Exciting! And fast! Really fast! It's not! It's slow! And dull! Very, very dull! And massively overcomplicated! And no fun to watch! And bobbins! Basically! This is the tenth reason to hate rugby union

Funkodrom
22-10-2003, 10:05:12
Excellent. :)

Funkodrom
22-10-2003, 10:11:23
The thing about the rules is certainly true.

Me: "That's offside!"
Shakey: "Why?"
Me: "No idea."

maroule
22-10-2003, 10:13:23
The thing about the rules is certainly true.

Me: "That's offside!"
Julia: "Why?"
Me: *looking embarrassed* "shh, I'll explain later"

Resource Consumer
22-10-2003, 10:14:36
I am sure Shining1 will deign to pass comment :lol:

Funkodrom
22-10-2003, 10:14:48
I kind of have an instinctive reaction to offside.

King_Ghidra
22-10-2003, 10:27:06
you lose control of your bowels?

MoSe
22-10-2003, 10:35:04
"And bobbins!" ???

Beta1
22-10-2003, 10:35:54
Still better than football though.

MoSe
22-10-2003, 10:38:11
But when after 20 years of occasional rugby watching whitout that you could find anything or anyone able to explain you the rules, when you finally realise one, like that there's offside in rugby too, you feel like sorta an achievement, like elation...

MoSe
22-10-2003, 10:39:50
understanding hockey or american football or baseball rules is pretty easy and straightforward, in comparison.

Funkodrom
22-10-2003, 10:40:00
:lol:

Very true.

MoSe
22-10-2003, 10:46:38
yeah, but what about "bobbins"???

Lazarus and the Gimp
22-10-2003, 10:48:57
Steven Wells is a genius- he's the only thing worth reading NME for.

His novel "Tits-out teenage terror totty" is a classic.

Noisy
22-10-2003, 11:44:13
"relatively rational"? Relative to what, one may ask.

Union is for failed League players.

Funkodrom
22-10-2003, 11:45:39
Now all joking aside League really is a dull game.

Noisy
22-10-2003, 11:50:52
The greatest sporting event I have seen in my life was a League Cup final about eight years ago. I have seen nothing close to it for skill, excitement, passion.

Resource Consumer
22-10-2003, 11:52:12
Actually, I prefer League....

Funkodrom
22-10-2003, 11:53:21
I've never been able to sit through more than 15 minutes of a game.

Gary
22-10-2003, 12:02:22
After that you're jumping up and down and cheering ?

Funkodrom
22-10-2003, 12:15:24
I turn over and see if an interesting sport like lawn bowls is on.

Gary
22-10-2003, 12:39:23
Ah bowls... now you're talking !

Funkodrom
22-10-2003, 12:40:09
Bowls is fantastic. Curling is good too, all the tension of bowls with added brushing.

maroule
22-10-2003, 12:40:57
my bowls are heavy with tension too

MoSe
22-10-2003, 12:41:27
what can you expect from any sport you play on a surface rhyming with yawn...

zmama
22-10-2003, 13:23:29
Originally posted by Funkodrom
Bowls is fantastic. Curling is good too, all the tension of bowls with added brushing.

Curling is great! I don't know of another sport where so much drinking is done during competitions...by the competitors!

Funkodrom
22-10-2003, 13:24:21
Bowls is very similar. Plus there's a chance half the audience might die because they are so old.

MoSe
22-10-2003, 13:24:29
maybe.... drinking competitions????

;)

Noisy
22-10-2003, 15:57:41
Originally posted by zmama
Curling is great! I don't know of another sport where so much drinking is done during competitions...by the competitors! It seems that darts (http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/in_depth/2000/world_darts_championship/1109730.stm) isn't the sport it once was ... especially now that Bill Werbeniuk is dead.

Rekrul
22-10-2003, 16:04:06
I don't know of another sport where so much drinking is done during competitions...by the competitors!

Well I'd have thought darts players get through a fair amount per game, although it's debatable whether you'd call darts a sport.

And let's not forget the late great Bill Werbernek (sp?), who was on doctor's orders to drink something like ten pints of lager every time he played a snooker match.

As for rugby - love Union, can't stand League. Played by northern monkeys!

King_Ghidra
22-10-2003, 16:05:52
darts players don't booze any more, not whilst playing at least

having been to two embassy world darts tournaments, i would say they were probably the most friendly and enjoyable sporting events i have ever been to

Rekrul
22-10-2003, 16:18:10
That's just shattered my 'Jocky Wilson' image of darts players

Shining1
22-10-2003, 23:08:29
Number 3 is so grossly, incredibly, totally wrong it's hilarious:).

And I'm good at rules. It took me only three different explainations and 5 games to understand the ice-hockey offside rule, for instance. I can ALMOST understand the offside rule in rugby. The real question there, though, is WHICH offside rule they're talking about. Seriously, rugby is utterly fucked up for anyone watching the game without a clue. It would take years to understand anything from just watching it. League is a much better introduction to the game.

League is great - except for the stuff the British play. The British play league without any of the fun things like skill and flair and timing. Watch the Aussies play before you diss it.

Curling is the sport of kings. It's the complete opposite of rugby - incredibly easy to understand, very friendly looking, just a great, simple, elemental game:).

Sean
22-10-2003, 23:29:14
Leamington has just gained the 2006 World Bowls Championships, as Kuala Lumpur had to pull out due to lack of funds.

Sean
22-10-2003, 23:39:36
Whoops, it’s not 2006, it’s next year.

notyoueither
23-10-2003, 01:26:02
Did someone say 'curling'?

Funkodrom
23-10-2003, 07:48:57
I understand the offside rule in ice hockey - but purely in a theoretical sense. I read the rules once so I could make some ice hockey puns and read the offside rule and understood it. But I haven't seen very much ice hockey so I've never seen it happen in a game.

Shining1
23-10-2003, 09:04:50
Reading the rules is cheating. You need to have it explained to you by people who don't understand how you could possibly not understand it. And then work it out from watching the game. Reading the rules is sooo cheating.

Hell, even rugby is learnable if you read the rules.

MoSe
23-10-2003, 09:10:02
???? are there WRITTEN rules ??????

Shining1
23-10-2003, 09:11:23
A very great many of them.

Funkodrom
23-10-2003, 09:15:43
Yeah, but I don't know anyone (in this country) who watches Ice Hockey, let alone anyone who understands the rules and I could sit and watch a game with.

Anyway, it's quite a simple rule.

You are right that reading the rules makes it simple though.

Shining1
23-10-2003, 09:23:51
Perhaps that's why I used it as an example - it IS a simple rule, functionally, it's just really complex when Ice Hockey players try to explain it to you.

Funkodrom
23-10-2003, 10:03:10
If they are actual players they've probably had too many bashes to the head.

MoSe
27-02-2006, 13:27:58
^bash^

I mean, bump :D

A thread with curling, Sean, Maroule and Rekrul
a forgotten gem

Drekkus
27-02-2006, 13:33:18
I was heavily confused until I saw the date of this thread.

mr_G
27-02-2006, 13:40:54
you??
confused????


that will be the day

LoD
27-02-2006, 14:22:36
Point 3 looks like it was written by the bastard child of Terry Pratchett and Laz.

Venom
27-02-2006, 14:31:38
Rugby sucks.

Drekkus
27-02-2006, 14:32:21
Bunch of butch guys groping each other.

Venom
27-02-2006, 14:37:59
The amount of fisting going on is tremendous. Both double and single.

Funko
27-02-2006, 14:39:04
That's why the Dutch are Rubgy World Champions.

Drekkus
27-02-2006, 14:41:42
Originally posted by Funko
That's why the Dutch are Rubgy World Champions. Holland is a rugby midget.

Funko
27-02-2006, 14:43:26
holland = rugby midget
mr g = holland midget

therefore

mr g = rugby midget^2

Gary
27-02-2006, 14:47:26
Did anyone ever explain "point" 1 (assuming there was such an explanation).

Drekkus
27-02-2006, 14:47:28
Rugby = gay

MrG is the Rugby King of the World.

Funko
27-02-2006, 14:51:28
mr g = rugby midget^2
Rugby = gay

therefore

mr g = gay midget squared

And people say algebra is boring.

Venom
27-02-2006, 14:56:07
Because it is.

mr_G
27-02-2006, 15:03:25
:lol: at mr g = rugby midget^2

Greg W
28-02-2006, 00:00:55
Rugby is great when it's played by the Kiwis, French or Fijians. Aussies and English occasionally lapse into good Rugby, which is odd, cos Australian Super 12 teams play a more exciting game than the national side does, and odd for the English cos it means the ball occasionally isn't given to Wilks for a kick.

Unfortunately the rules do bog the game down into unnecessary tedium at times. The advantage rule is supposed to compensate for this somewhat, but refs cut that short far too often.

Oh, and since fisting = gay...
mr g = fisting midget squared

Shining1
28-02-2006, 12:32:37
When I was sick I got to watch several games of regular English Premier League football.

Okay, Rugby doesn't do Highlights. Football ONLY does Highlights. Those shows where they present you with a godly looking Brazilian guy doing a backwards cartwheel to smash the ball into the goal from a deflection? That 5 seconds of pure atheltic glory any sport would be proud of? Well, that was it. Absolutely nothing else worthwhile happened in the entire NINTY FUCKING MINUTES of play - some guys kicked a ball down the field, then the other guys kicked it, then it went out. And half the time, perhaps *more* than half the time, what you think is going to a sudden rush of excitement, ends with that same, godly, Million Dollar player kicking the ball twenty yards above and to the left of the goal.

I understand why football fans riot so much now - smashing the crap out of something must be about the only way to deal with the sheer fucking frustration that accumulates from watching a game of football you actually care about.

MoSe
28-02-2006, 12:47:30
:lol:

I only saw 3 soccer matches live with my granpa when I was about 10, and only kept vague memories.
Then got used to what you see on TV, with the camera focused on the ball and the action.
Then around my 30s I had the chance to use the season card of a sick friend for a couple of matches:
I was shocked to realise that when the players were not in camera view, they stopped and just stood there, they did NOT keep running all the time like we did in our highschool matches!!!
:eek:

:lol:

Funko
28-02-2006, 12:53:16
How did they know the camera was on them?

They might not be sprinting all the time but whenever I go to live matches you see a lot of interesting off the ball stuff.

Chelsea especially. Their off the ball movement was really good. Someone like Frank Lampard really doesn't ever stop running.