View Full Version : When is it acceptable to murder fellow band members?

11-01-2002, 17:00:16
This is totally hypothetical, of course. :bash: :bash: :bash: :bash:

11-01-2002, 17:10:01
You should ask Venom.

11-01-2002, 17:11:25
I can guess what his answer would be.

11-01-2002, 17:27:38

There you go.

11-01-2002, 17:35:31
In that case I won't say anything.

Ok, I tried. That didn't work. Kill them all! Right now!

11-01-2002, 18:40:45
Well, MikeH,
I suggest two possible strategies; the 'lone gunman' route or the
'Orient Express' type conspiracy.
Or not.

Lazarus and the Gimp
13-01-2002, 13:36:47
The touring musician's etiquette guide restricts it to one sole event- when some bastard uses the tourbus toilet to have a dump.

The Shaker
13-01-2002, 16:37:16
A) Lock the door.
B) Prioritise your victims.
The drummer is sat down and no immediate threat.
Guitarists are encumbered by guitars and any retret towards the door will result in much stumbling and moaning, plus they'll all be fighting to be at the front.
So go for the Vocalist.
This has two advantages:- Removing the loudest screamer quickly and quietly will maintain the element of surprise and allow you to get the jump on the other victims. Also it is probable that the vocalist will be too self absorbed to notice the garotte slipping quietly around their neck. Although you might think the others would notice, this in unlikely as there will generally be much staring at fretboards (guitars), fingers(bass) and wildly into space, dribling slightly (drums).

Now go for the guitarists, but be careful to avoid the flailing arms, legs and heads which so often associate themselves with this strange breed.
In order to negate this effect try unplugging their amps. This will result in a bewildered individual, completely at sea, probably still strumming away in an attempt to see if their strings have broken and unable to comprehend the consequences of the petrol you are pouring over them.
For best results tell each of them that the other has their favourite plectrum.
As they reach the optimum distance from each other, and you, offer them a light, very politely.
Don't forget to laugh manically.

Of the final two go for the drummer, as the bassist, being generally the coward of the group will be heading towards the door. Of course with the big fingers they will be unable to open the door and will therefore be trapped.

To take out the drummer, take the snare and smash it down over their head, thus ensnaring them.
Following this I always like to use the buffy like method. Take the sticks from the poor fool's flailing arms and skewer each lung.

The bassist is now at your mercy.
Take the bass from the idiot and use the useless tool to club the useless tool.
Now using some of the strings left over from the flaming wreck that was a couple of guitarists, remove each of their fingers individually. Take the time to place each severed digit in the mouth of poor fool.
Ask them questions, and if they choke instead of answering politely then inlict further body part removal on them.
Once the pieces are small enough take the still living torso and head, and tie them to the bass. Form a crude mast and sail and take the fantastic new ship down to the nearest body of water.
Using any remaining petrol you can now enact a viking funeral, casting the bass off into the blue yonder, and the bassist off to the halls of valhalla, to be a cleaner or something.

Don't forget to burn down the house before you leave.

14-01-2002, 09:20:43
And people wonder why I lock my door with him around. :nervous:

14-01-2002, 13:04:57
brilliant plan- but one flaw: killing the vocalist removes the most attractive and talented member of the band and kills any chance any other member might have (no matter how slight) of achieving fame and fortune (and groupies - although probably only the attractive vocalist would have got them anyway).
So perhaps the question should be rephrased:
'when is it acceptable for the talented and attractive lead singer to dispense with the clod-hoppping plebs who make up the rest of the band?'

14-01-2002, 13:34:04
Also it is probable that the vocalist will be too self absorbed to notice the garotte slipping quietly around their neck.

Seems like Shakey was right.

04-02-2002, 23:33:13
I was digging old threads searching for the date of the unholy gig and...

ROTFL! :lol:
How could I have missed this thread?

You should write a song about this story! :lol:

05-02-2002, 02:30:04
I wish I was good enough to be in a band :(

Vincent Fandango
05-02-2002, 08:04:00
Get into a band and you'll get better

05-02-2002, 09:22:00
But what about Mike :bounce:

05-02-2002, 09:51:01
Fist: 18th May.

05-02-2002, 10:24:06
There is a remote possibility that my company is sending me to London this spring. Unfortunatly yesterday we were talking about the end of April and that seems awfully far from the date of the gig... :(

05-02-2002, 10:34:16
Lucky for you!

If you are in London in the Spring we'll have to try and get everyone to meet you anyway.

05-02-2002, 14:42:42
That would be great! :beer:

Vincent Fandango
05-02-2002, 14:47:34
Originally posted by MattHiggs
But what about Mike :bounce: It's better because the rest of the band is so loud you can't hear Mike (Mikenophon)

05-02-2002, 15:47:40
That's the truth.