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Gears of War Review
Posted: 16/11/06 by Venom | Comments (29)


This game looks better than a $1500 call girl. Or a $20 hooker after 6 hours of heavy drinking. Whichever you can afford. After shelling out for a few 360 games, Iím firmly in the $20 hooker category. Ok, ok, ok, you got me, $10.

Anyway, as I was saying: This game looks amazing. Next Gen=High Definition games. Itís like the lottery. Everyone wins! Except poor people. But no one cares about them. Am I right?!?!? Huh? HD games make me giggle like a Japanese school girl in a hentai video. Hold, I need a minute. I said giggle. Which makes me think of jiggle and now Iím thinking of boobs. Go get a snack. Itís gonna be 5 or 10 minutes.

Iím back, and I bet half the audience isnít. Thanks to the both of you for sticking around. The textures, animations, and models are the best Iíve ever seen. The devastated city environments are so stunningly rendered I think I ruined 6 pairs of underwear playing. Gears of War has set a new bar for console graphics. Truly outstanding stuff. Sony will surely raise that bar in the future, but I guarantee nothing at the PS3 launch will look this good.


The best sound in any game Iíve played since Medal of Honor: Allied Assault. Big bangs, caps being busted, and good voice acting. Longtime readers probably already know how I like to describe a gameís sound effects. They probably also ride the short bus.

Let me sum it up like so: BANG! POW! BOOM! KABLAM! HELL YEAH! That should about cover it.

Like Yosemite Sam I give the sound two six shooters up. Way up. Bonus points to the cursing too. It made my brother-in-law re-think buying the game for his dad (who is my ex-boss that can barely look me in the eye now). Thereís no better endorsement than that.


This is a new category Iíve added for this review. I added it because itís my review, so write your complaints down on a piece of paper, ball that paper up, and shove it up your ass. I donít care. Besides, with somewhat limited options, controls are key for console games. Hell, bad controls can ruin a good console game (Red Faction, Iím looking at you).

The controls for this game areÖdare I say itÖ.perfect. Aiming is smooth, movement is true, and all your complicated cover maneuvers are covered by the all powerful A button. Youíre left to focus on fighting, not concentrating on your bacon grease covered fingers fumbling all over the controller like a 14 year old trying to undo a bra.

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